Gack like I said before i usually take your advice and what you are saying sounds good. Now I know it's up to me to decide whether I WANT a D or not and truly I am unsure at this point. The proposal I can get out of her now sounds really really good, But staying married to her sounds good too.
This lawyer is highly recommended. He is trying to get me to file first for the advantage etc... I don't know what to do, I'm going to have to think it over and weigh out my odds I guess.

also, without me filing how can i get the orders for the belongings and 50/50 custody etc...?

This is all up to you.
But you don't have to do anything right now.
She may choose for you and force your hand, but I would not file until I was ready for a divorce.

But hey, thats just me.
You must do what is right for You!

If there is no divorce, why do you need these orders?

If there is a divorce you seek these things the moment you are served.

I've seen those same WWs get a bit of a wakeup call when the papers are in hand, the D has been filed, and they see it will neither be pretty, amicable, or easy.

The fantasy is lifted of the amicable D where you and her will be best buds who have the Hollywood style D where you guys get along splendidly and life is a Romantic Comedy and the kids live in total happiness in split homes and bunnies frolic about when you're around each other and rainbows fill the sky.

The man I have in mind was able to save his marriage, but he protected himself and his rights as a father just in case.

I think you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by filing first. You can always withdraw the filing and force the timeline to start all over again if she wants to pursue the divorce. But you hold the cards if you file first.

Filing first is a wakeup and one I would take. You force her to see the reality of D and what she stands to lose. I would make sure to mention adultery and marital misconduct in the filing.

You can make the charge. It may not hold up, but you can make it.

Others here think that this isn't marriage building advice, but I think the rules are different as a man dealing with female bias.

You can still do Plan A, Plan B, and pursue saving your marriage while ordering the lawyer to take as long as possible and drag his feet throught he process.

Also, she is liable for the legal fees since she's the income earner. Otherwise, how would any stay at home parent ever divorce?

Finally, if you do take this route, which is the smart and prudent one, I recommend you leave any talk of D to your lawyer. When she goes ballistic about you filing, you simply say,

"I want to save my marriage. I am happy to withdraw this if you re-commit to this marriage, have NC, and work with me to fix the problems. Otherwise, I have to protect myself and the children from your adultery."

If she continues about your demands in the D, you simply state, "I talk marriage. My lawyer deals with the D issues."

It's smart and prudent and you will get caught with your pants down if she does it first. You also call her bluff and wake her up.

This is a serious gamble if looking for saving the M, At this point.

The reason why, because you will be giving her exactly what she wants, Right now. She won't see it as a wake up call, she will see it as a release and a justification.


The good news is you will be able to take her to the cleaners, at least initially. The bad news is by the time she defogs enough that recovery might have been a possibility, the divorce process that was initiated BY YOU may have you so turned against each other that R will never be possible.


If you do take the D-In hopes of-R path, at least tell her before she is served (But not before you actually file) and explain that you only did it in order to protect yourself just in case, and that you do NOT actually want a divorce, but her insistence on it has forced your hand. Then tell her you want to call it off, but she has to commit to recovery first.

But, I don't think your W will bring herself to file. And if she does, I still don't think it will make it to court if you do Plan-A and she defogs.

If you file, I think you will be divorced within a year.
But I may be wrong.

Like I said, when it comes to D, I am a simple man.
Do or Do Not, there is no try!

I would make it fast and hit her hard, or I would not file.

Woops, double post.
My bad

Jon,

You have been at this a VERY short time. Why the fast jump to the D train? My previous post to you was this is a marathon not a sprint. Do a STELLAR plan A for about 6 weeks while she goes through withdrawl. At that point if she is still foggy you can go to plan B. Plan D should be the last thing you consider if you still want to save the M.

Well I KNOW she is going to file for D, I am 100% sure of it because her aunt is doing it for her.
You can say "she is bluffing" or "she won't go through with it" I'm telling you it is already done, she hasn't even had a free consultation yet but she is going next week for one.
Right now she knows NOTHING about D and once her lawyer tells her what all she can do to me then I'm screwed.
I can tell her I didn't want the D and still don't, but if she wants it then we can use MY lawyer. I want to save my M but you have to remember in my county the courts here favor women MAJORLY. I don't want to file but she literally is forcing me to do it in order to cover myself.

Right now with my lawyer i can get, 50/50 child custody, spousal support until I finish school, my bills paid until I finish school, half her 401k, she still has to pay my insurance until I finish school, around 70% of the belongings in the house and many other things in my favor.
This is with MY lawyer doing the deal, her lawyer will say NO thats INSANE! Her lawyer will most likely force me to drop out of school and find a job to cover my bills, pay her child support while i am working, I probably won't get 50/50 child custody and they will basically rip me apart and....SHE WILL WIN. I WANT to save my M, I really do, but I also want to save myself and my future with my kids. I am at a brick wall and don't know what to do right now.

A person can not file for divorce for someone else. They can pay for it and be there when it is done, but you cant do it FOR someone else.

If you are 100% sure she will file for divorce, and resonably sure she will go all the way through with it, then go file.

Either way she probably will Lawyer up before it is over, so this dream you have of an easy divorce is probably false.

Have you actually spoken to her aunt about any of this?
Or is this all coming from WW?

I have spoken to her aunt, and her aunt is the most persistant person you will ever meet. She will do ANYTHING for her lovely sweet little innocent Niece. Her aunt isn't filing FOR her but she is doing ALL the work in setting it up. I KNOW she will file for D but going all the way through with it is where i am unsure.
You have to remember this is a 16 year gamble with my kids, and everything I told you she will give me I am certain I can get it in writing right now while she is in the fog and have my lawyer draw it up.
The other thing is this is what SHE WANTS and she will not be mad at me for it she will be thankful I am cooperating and really appreciate it. See heres the thing right now her aunt and mamaw are paying for her D 100% I can tell her if she wants to use my lawyer that I can help with half the cost, her family would LOVE this. again I DO NOT want this D, and she knows it and I will continue to tell her this.

And what did her aunt say?

For now.
Later, it will be all your fault, and her lawyer, which she will hire, will still fight you on the settlement. The fighting for custody and child support will probably happen no matter who files first.

I don't know what else to tell you Jon.

I know Gack, I am in an odd and unfortunate predicament. Her aunt is working to get the D done. Her aunt wants this for my WW because she thinks it's what is going to make her happy.
If it does come down to a fight for CS and custody she WILL WIN. It's almost like I'm stuck between fighting for my M and fighting for myself and my kids. In which if I win the battle for my M this will also save myself and my kids.
If I fight for my myself and my kids legally then I need to accept the offer she is giving me now.

I do NOt every want another man in my children's life nor do I ever want another woman for that matter. this is one major reason I am fighting to save our M, I do believe with my whole heart that we could have a very happy M later on together, I know it would take ALOT of work on both of our parts but i do now know her top EN's and how to meet them i also know how to avoid LB's. I have been doing plan A for around a month now even though I haven't been on the forum that long.
Her affair was a very short one, she was probably only "In love" for about 2 weeks and she is majorly going through withdrawls right now.
The fact is she is 100% going to file. Now I don't really know for sure how long it would take for everything to be finalized and I don't know that she would even reconsider. I am stuck.
I do love my WW but I love my kids more, and I will do WHATEVER it takes to make sure i get to see my kids at least 50% of the time even if this means I have to file first, though this is not what I want. For now only time will tell what will happen, but I will not allow myself to be fed to the wolves by her and her lawyer. Also I cannot do plan B until the divorce goes through because in my state thats abandonement and I would get in ALOT of trouble for that. I live in Tennessee if anyone wants to research some of my rights and laws. thank you guys, and as always I am more than appreciative of all your advice.

There are 2 courts in my county of TN (Circuit and Chancery). There is one judge in Chancery court, he always favors the woman, even in a 50/50 custody (you can end up being a weekend dad). In the Circuit court the judges consider the 50/50 custody as being what it should be - 50/50. If the worman files first, her lawyer will have her file in Chancery court. If the man files first, his lawyer will file in Circuit. This is where the main issue of who files first comes in. There are only 4 judges in this county and 1 is Chancery the other 3 are Circuit. Most lawyers know, after many years of practice how the judges will rule. If my wife files first, and files in Chancery court, I don't have a "chance".

File first. You have nothing to lose. It gives you the best chance.

As far as having other men in your kids lives go, that's a simple reality of divorce.

But file first unless you want to find yourself a weekend dad.

My WW has been being fairly rude today and seems to be in a really bad mood. I am still being nice and doing plan A, but I am really sick today.
I can barely move because I have been so sick to my stomach all night last night and still this morning.
Normally my WW has always been real nice to me like nothing was going on but today she was acting like she just flat out hated me.

I disagree, and here is why.

Estimated percent chance of divorce.

No one files 0%

She files 25%

You file 75%

Granted, these numbers are from the Gack1 Institute for numbers pulled out of thin air. But they are about how I see it.

This is absolutely true. There are only two ways to prevent this.

1. Avoid Divorce.

2. Strip her of every bit of here parental rights.
(#2 is rare)

I can not argue that you will not have a greater chance for custody if you file first.

I can only argue that I believe you would have a better chance of raising your children with your wife if you don't file.

This is a gamble. It is one I would take, that does not mean you should.

If the risk is not worth the reward to you, then I back filing first 100%

Blame!
Normal part of withdrawal.
You took her crack pipe away.

Today has been a hard discouraging one. I am very sick (sick to my stomach, high fever etc...) I am so used to her being there for me and taking care of me when I am sick, today she said "I hope you feel better" not in a caring way, then wanted me to watch the kids while she went out for groceries with her mom. (I know it was with her mom because she came and picked her up) I am on the biggest, fastest, and worst emotional rollercoaster ever put on God's green earth.
1 second I keep thinking you know the divorce would be best..because even 5 years from now I will know that my wife would have left me for another man if he was available. My wife didn't even put me 2nd best because she still hasn't chose to come back yet. I know it is VERY slow during the withdrawl and defog process. Right now the way she has treated me even though I didn't LB.. . I don't think I did, it's supposed to snow about 12 inches here tomorrow and I said "you know if it snows that much you will be stuck in the house with me all day", and she kinda fake laughed.
I also patted her on the back because my daughter is sick too and she threw up because of how sick to my stomach I am I couldn't clean it so i went and got here. When she got done cleaning it up and giving them a bath I lightly rubbed her back and said "I really appreciate you helping me so much" she said "I was helping the kids not you" you know how discouraging that is? I just needed to vent because at this point i would throw in the towel and just get it over with, but tomorrow i probably wouldn't. If it snows we are all going to go out sleigh riding as a family, even though my evil in-laws will be there too.

You know what, don't worry about her saying she was just helping the kids. That is fine, my WH said that to me one day when he called home because the kids were home sick and he said, "I was ONLY calling to check on the kids." I simply said, "Okay." and hung up.

Hey Jon, is WW staying at home again?

Don't get discouraged by her reactions to the things you are doing. Just stick to your plan. Think about how awful you felt before this website and before you started following MB concepts. Doesn't it feel better now.

I did a Plan A. I am in Plan B. I actually believe that had I not found MB, that one day I had a chance that my WH would come home. Difference is that using MB concepts, if my WH does come home and choose me I have a real SHOT at a REAL recovery that could last a LIFETIME. I have seen people get back together after an A but they didn't do it right and they just D anyways. I am doing it the MB way to get the best chance. Who would fault anyone for taking the best odds? Not any of us.