Stop being a wuss and grow a set! Trainwreck, my foot. The train went off the tracks last night. Not you've got to clean it up.

I'm with you, Mrs. W. The post you quoted wasn't mine.

lokil,

I used to give a short "Children's Sermon" on Sunday mornings about once per month. These were typically about 5 minutes long and usually object lessons of some kind.

One of the lessons I used was to have all the kids gather around. I laid out a piece of plastic to cover the floor, set out a paper plate and then had them take turns squeezing the contents of one of those super family sized tubes of toothpaste onto the plate. There were about 25 kids from about 3 to about 11 or 12 and each one got a turn.

When they had it all out of the tube, I said we going to do a real magic trick. We would say the right words and put all of the toothpaste back into the tube.

I said I couldn't remember the words and asked several adults in the room if they knew the trick (they were plants of course) and nobody could come up with the right thing to say. I looked through my pockets, had the kids look under the chairs in the room, had folks looking in their Bible for the answer. We just couldn't come up with the words that would make the toothpaste be back in the tube instead of making a mess all over the plate in front of everyone...

You see, lokil, once we have done something or said something, we can't undo it or unsay it. Once we have crossed the line from friend to lover even moving back across the line does not restore them to friend. They are forever a former lover and no longer simply a friend.

And once we have hurt someone, we can't unhurt them. The damage is done when we do the hurtful thing. In this case you and the other man know that you did it but your husband and his wife do not yet know. It isn't the knowing that is hurtful to them, but the action which already happened and it is too late to not do it or to undo it now.

Once we hurt someone and after they find out that we did, they might decide to no longer have anything to do with us. If they say that they will give us another chance to prove our loyalty it will be what we do from then on that will either help them heal, remain in relationship with us or continue being hurt until they can no longer take the pain and walk away forever.

You can't lie your way out of having committed adultery. That happened. The circumstances of who was drunk, who seduced whom, and all the rest really don't change that fact; you did in fact decide to cheat on your husband. Lying to him about it will not change that fact. Lying to him will not make it go away. When he learns that you did it, he will be hurt. If he learns ten years from now that you lied about it he will still be hurt by it but will now have ten years of lying to be hurt by as well.

What you do now will determine whether you become a person of honor or remain forever a liar and adulteress. What you do from this point forward will make you a person of integrity or one who will forever live in fear that the secret you hold within will be found out.

Mark

And I'll throw this in:

When I look back at the months of my H's A, and realize that the by-then suspicious OWH was threatening to call ME, asking OW why she and my H weren't even considering me or MY feelings...I was stunned to hear that people I didn't even know were having furious discussions regarding me and my H, and there I was at home, totally clueless.

It's surreal to be reading this thread. It's the same thing - you are discussing the most important person in your life with people you don't even know. If you're going to be open and honest with him, let him know that, as well.

Deja vu, all over again.

Sorry, but that's quite funny.

Not the subject itself, obviously. Fooling your spouse about an affair is evil.

OWH and I each kept the other in ignorance after our discoveries, without working out the implications of the pain we were causing. We each independently found out about the affair LONG before either of us took the decision to expose.

If I had exposed after D Day 1, six weeks into the affair, it would not have turned into the entrenched mess it became after 3.5 years.

If he had done so eight months in, ditto.

If I had done so immediately on my D Day 2, two years in, when I snooped and got full details of OW and her marriage, I could have avoided the false recoveries that took place even after that.

I think possibly even more than my own pain, I wish I could have stopped OW's children reading explicit text messages from my H on their mother's phone. Her 14 year-old son once used her phone without asking, and found the messages from my H. He told his 17 year-old sister, and together they decided not to tell their father, who would be heartbroken. Also they did not want their family to break up. Every now and again they would read her phone and see the messages continuing.

Those poor babies took the burden of saving their parents' marriage onto their own heads. I could have stopped that if I had exposed after 6 weeks.

Not only is NOT telling cruel; it will help to increase the pain when the affair is revealed, and make something that is already the worst it could be, even worse.

This happened to me. My now XH had an affair with my young cousin (she was 19 and he was 37). They kept the secret for 7 years even though they were both asked point blank if the rumor was true. 7 years!!!!! I used to sit around and day dream about ways to find out if it was true...never thought I would know the truth...and then Marriage Builders introduced me to the concept of a keylogger and I happened to catch them discussing it on line one. I can't tell you the torture I go through over the lie that last 7 years. It was as painful as the act of adultery itself.

Listen to these vets! Fess up TODAY. Do not let one more day go by with this ugly secret inside of you. Let the chips fall where they may, but the Truth deserves to be told.

thank you all.
I have read all the replies, I'll wait til my husband gets home to do anything about it.

At least get the STD testing done right away.

What about his wife. She needs to be tested, as well. She has now been exposed to your and your H's sexual history partners.

How long until your husband gets home?

Check out this situation:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2219402#Post2219402
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=156359&Number=2222186#Post2222186


some threads have disappeared due to a problem that MB had last year...

'Smilingwoman',the same thing happened to me, but it was 21 years later, I felt the same as you for all of those years, never thinking I would know the truth....wrong..! It is very very painful to find out years later, its double the pain.

This happened to me. My now XH had an affair with my young cousin (she was 19 and he was 37). They kept the secret for 7 years even though they were both asked point blank if the rumor was true. 7 years!!!!! I used to sit around and day dream about ways to find out if it was true...never thought I would know the truth...and then Marriage Builders introduced me to the concept of a keylogger and I happened to catch them discussing it on line one. I can't tell you the torture I go through over the lie that last 7 years. It was as painful as the act of adultery itself.

Listen to these vets! Fess up TODAY. Do not let one more day go by with this ugly secret inside of you. Let the chips fall where they may, but the Truth deserves to be told.

I will get tested tomorrow.

Do you really feel pain over something that happened 21 yearws ago I can't imagine.

It seems very understandable that a person would experience a great deal of pain after finding out that their spouse has lied to them throughout most of their marriage.

You BOTH must get tested.

You might show negative for something that you have passed on to him.

He has a right to know that he has been exposed to diseases, and a right to get himself tested.

You do not have the right to take that decision and knowledge away from him, by getting yourself tested, and not telling him if you are clear.

You are not doing a good or brave thing by deciding to get yourself tested without telling your H. You are still playing the same game of deciding how your husband must live in his marriage. Stop abusing him like this.

I'm pretty sure i could be able to forgive my usband over a mistake that happened 21 years ago but who knows.

YEPPERS !

It's 21 years of LIES and falsehood.

A couple of weeks ago I got a ton of bloodwork for other issues and had hiv/std testing as well so I know I don't have anything.

You are not listening. It is the LIE. He will be much more likely to FORGIVE that which he is given the opportunity to FORGIVE. You do not have the right to keep this information from him. You made a mistake...(and you do need to work on your boundaries because you were already too close to this OM for this mistake to have happened)...You can't undo the mistake...it is done. The immediate truth, NOW, is the only chance you have.