yes that�s fine.

Some of us are NOT american or canadian or european... I am southamerican

What bother me is this...When I did my first round of exposure. My wife found out a day after when her mom did not talk to her and just cry. She send me an email saying that why should I involve other people...(I have seen this)...No one knew what happens between us. She love her mom but her mom can't change her mind. Her mom is not the person she is going to spend the rest of her life with. What she does make her happy so she is willing to chose it. At most, she will be a bad daughter and bad person in other people's eye. I could make her loss everyone and if that make me happy she cannot stop me. I think she sent the day OM called.

I saw it the next morning. Then I came running back home just to see her smiling talking to OM. I said what next. ANd, she just calmly said I guess a divorce. I told her I don't want a divorce and just trying to get help from the people I told. She said it does not matter since everyone know we should get a divorce. But, then I said that her father does not known and that seems to stop her wanting a divorce. And then she ask me to call her mom to try to give her hope which I said to her that my wife is upset but she will be here for a while and she might change her mind. And that seems to stop her mom from attempting to do more. BTW, her mom has a history of depression...That is why I reluctant to tell her at first.

What bother me was her calmness...I have not seen this in other posts.

Look, exposure doesn�t always produce immediate results although sometimes it�s really surprising. Did you see what happened to Patriot? he had given up on his marriage when he got here and he was told to expose. He stalled and stalled until he finally did it. All together and the next thing he knew, the M had dropped his wife!

Get it all done with. Expose to everyone that matters. After all you are only protecting your marriage by telling the truth.

Don�t discuss divorce. If she asks you say you are not interested in divorcing, you are interested in marriage, and marriage does not include boyfriends.

Don�t have discussions with her.

You should try o think of her as an alian who has taken over your wife�s body. This is NOT the person you married is it?

Tell her father, respectfully. Tell him that you are struggling trying to save your marriage because your wife is seeing other men and you would be grateful for any help he could give you.

Be calm, detached and insistant on the fact that you want your family to be a family, no strangers messing with your wife and your children.

BTW, you do not move out. If she doesn�t like the situation then she can go, but YOU DO NOT give her money to finance her affairs!

so get your finances straightened out ASAP.

Do you realize you are exposing your children to these other immoral men?

She mostly gave me the silence treatment this morning. I guess it is because she thinks I know more that she thought previously because of the keylogger.

Somehow I asked her about giving me some info and control about our finance. She said she will give all my money back and asked how much I will give her to spend monthly. I haven't though that through so I did not answer. Any suggestion? How many % of my income? This just happened today so I am going to read more on the net what other people do...

I saw a few tear dropped after that.

Hola,

YOU DON'T ASK HER TO GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY, YOU JUST TAKE OVER.

Act as if your wife is delusional, has been taken over by some evil spirit, so YOU have to take control.

where is your plan? have you written it out?

it doesn�t matter if she gives you the silent treatment, you continue acting calm, serene, positive, being a good husband and father.

DO NOT discuss affairs or divorce. DO NOT get into arguments. if you don�t know how to answer just say, let me think about that.....


ACT DETACHED

Hi, here is my plan

1) Do more exposure, all in one day. Only a few left: Her father, her brothers, one of her cousin, my son, OM's brother (emailed, he did not reply but have number now), OMGF (still no contact), may be called her mom and her aunt again.

2) Get my money back from her and give her allowance. I think this will take too long so exposure first. The money will still be there.

3) Do plan A for 3 months. Lots of travels to keep her from seeing the OM. Go places with no mobile signal.

4) Get her to leave (separate)....somehow without the children....


5) NC ...Should I allow her to see the children?


6) D after 6 months of separation. NC

About exposing my son, the thing is I live in a big family with my dad, mom, a brother and his wife and a few servants under the same roof. My son is quite innocent and may tell others. If all of these people know, then my wife would hate it here. She hates my mom already. I am trying to make it comfortable here for my wife....Should I just tell and hope for the best? I did not tell many of my family since they don't interact with my wife anyway...I only need support from my mom.

Is it looking OK?

Your plan is NOT to get her to leave without the children, your plan is to get her to believe in your marriage again.

But if exposure makes her too uncomfortable, as it SHOULD if she is a decent person, she may want to leave and that�s where YOU have to be prepared to keep your children in the family home. Do you understand the difference? You don�t want her to leave but you can�t control what she does and she may want to leave. NO WAY are you to let her take the children and the reason is that she is seeing strange men and you don�t want your children exposed to those men.

About teling your son, he needs to know that you are having problems and that it�s because his mother has a boyfriend which is not a correct thing when you are married. Keep it simple because he�s young, but he needs to know that he can talk to YOU about what he feels because otherwise who knows what his imagination is telling him about what he perceives. You have to be his confidant and reassure im that no matter what happens you will be there for him and that his mother also loves him very much.

Hola, do the people you live with not know yet?

My mom and one of my brother (just moved out last week) know.
My dad and the other brother and his wife do not know.
My "long-served, trusted, but may gossip" servant did not know.
The other servants and workers did not know.

My mom don't want near by family to know. My family will lose "face".

I know that "saving face" might be important in some cultures.

Only you can decide what is more important, your marriage or saving face.

If your mother and your wife don�t get along, your mother knowing won�t have much effect on her. The best people to expose to are those your wife respects and admires. Focus on them.

Pepperband posted the whole of the description of how to do plan A here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296184

You can also read all Gary44�s thread because his experience is similar to yours

I am have been thinking about more exposure. I think only the strongest target left is her father and my son. I don't know about the father. Everyone said he is weird and I don't see him talk to my wife much. But WW and OM are still in contact by phone/email. I can't detect if the meet now.

Anyway, I think I will do it on Monday. Just need to think about who to tell. I am struggling to include her siblings and more relatives. I don't want to do too much. But if too little, there will be no effect and I don't want another round of non-important target.

I talked to her about handing over the finance. She said if I want all. I said yes. She was angry after that saying that she want a divorce and she might not be with OM in the future but certainly not with me. She said that I am trying to use money as a bait. She want a divorce and want to know how much she will get. I said I don't want a divorce and walk away. Now, nothing change but I just give her a love buster with no gain....

Which love buster?

Exposure will not work without doing it. Thinking about exposing just doesn't have the same effect.

OK, can people here help me with the exposure list?

Exposed (Jan 17-20)
WW side: mom, aunt, a cousin
OM side: mom, boss, brother (email-no reply), two of OM's friends (turn out they are not close friend)
OMGF side: her roommate (2 email-no reply)
My side: my mom, a brother

Next Round (Feb 1)
WW side: father, all siblings, one more cousin
OM side: father (I only found his mom at home. I think she may not tell him. His mom might be helping her son. Not sure how to reach him), two more of his friends (trying to get OMGF's contacts),
My side: my son

Actually there are lots of target on my wife side since I know them well just don't have the numbers. But I don't want to include them and think they will not matter much anyway.

I would like to concentrated on the OM but it is so difficult to get more target. Weak spots are on the OM side which I can't reach much. On OM's side I will keep on searching for more exposure.

Should I called the person I told again to say that they are still in contact?


About, my plan

I think after this either my wife will file for D or, if she did not, they will continue their contacts anyway after this.

So, I will continue with my plan A. Her EN should be communication and affection. However, without her love, she simply wont open up...

If OM did not brake off in about 3 months...I will go plan B...

About the plan, let�s be more specific:


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
which are they? you will have to guess. What are you doing to fulfill them?
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
What are you doing about this?

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
What did she like when you were dating?

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
What are the areas YOU need to improve and what are you doing about it?

Stop lovebusting behaviors.
What are your lovebusting behaviours and what are you doing about them?

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Write down the answers that you may need so that when she talks to you about divorce, or moving out or the OM you will know how to answer.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
get the exposure donw with once and for all! Tell her father and anyone wlse who may have an influence on her.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
write down the answers to possible accusations from her because of exposure. Many good ones have been suggested on Patriot�s thread

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Write down convenient phrases to express the hurt and devastation she is causing you so that you are prepared to say them when the moment is right

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
This is something you have to work on but since you are now a NEW man, I hope you will be able to make it clear to her

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Do not protect her from the consequences of her infidelity

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Remember that telling your child is to protect him, and to let him know that you are available to him. Keep him away from the OM. He is YOUR child.
What are you doing about the financial aspects?

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
remember you are doing this for your family. DO NOT accept a third person in the marriage, that does not make a family

hola, are your exposure targets talking to your wife and using their influence to try and persuade her to end her affair? Hopefully they are, because in order for exposure to be effective, she MUST KNOW THAT ALL THESE PEOPLE KNOW.

I would get these other exposures done NOW. Ideally it should all be done at the same time. Dragging it out weakens its effect. Tell as many people as possible. Exposure is a good thing, not a harmful thing. And when you call her father ask him to call her and use his influence with her.

Hi, Thanks so much. I think your list will be very useful.


I think it is communication and affection. I am getting about 0.5-1 hours of talking time (alone) a day. I found it easiest to talk about our relationship but that will have to change. I also think she likes my complements but this will have to be delivered at a good moment. Now after I talk to her about our finance, she stop giving me time now...


2)

Not sure now. At fist, I thought I will move our family to a condo. But people here are against this and there is no time now.
I will try to clean the house. But my house is a mess. My wife bought lots of books and have a room filled with cloth. She gets mad at me if I try to tidy up the room. I guess I should start somewhere. I also bought flowers and dessert for her once or twice a week now. I help take care of the baby which I always do.

3)

I have to think about this. Dining, walk around shopping, talk...


4)

I stop watching TV now. No more angry outburst, silence treatment, disrespectful judgment (this is hard to recognize), call her names (I was just trying to be funny).



I think I will say "I only want to save our marriage" and walk away. Other than that I will have to read now.







I will tell the father and my son. Her mom and her aunt are the only ones that she talks to. I will tell her siblings too but they will probably say nothing.....

To MelodyLane

Her mom cried once when she came to help take care of our toddler and write a letter. Her aunt also send an email to my wife.

I think if when I tell more, my son would talk to my wife and my wife would then know that more people know. Her siblings will probably do nothing. They hardly talk to my wife.

Yes, I am going to ask her father to call my WW. I am not sure though what will happen. He rarely speaks to my wife. Everyone said he is the weird one...