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I've got a question.
Are you always right?
You wrote:
>My point was I don't really believe me not telling him is going to hurt him more than the fact I slept with my friends husband.
You also, once upon a time, believed you would never sleep with someone other than your husband.
I'd like to point out that you've been wrong at least once before. Can you concede that you might just be wrong here, too...or have you talked yourself into this belief so that you won't have to face that you've made a terrible mistake?
I want you to be healthy and happy - but neither of those things thrive in the midst of a lie. I've been facing the mistake I made for the last 2 days I know it was wrong I know I [censored] up, I may tell my husband have not decided yet. I don't want to make a rush desicion out of guilt, I don't want to destroy other peopples lives just so i can have a clear concience. This isn't about you having a clear conscience. That's one part of it. Mostly, it's about you realizing that you don't have the right to force another person (your H and your "friend") to live a lie. You've already destroyed their lives. Just because they don't know that yet doesn't change anything. Until you realize that, there's probably not much more anyone here can do for you.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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My point was I don't really believe me not telling him is going to hurt him more than the fact I slept with my friends husband. Now that's just silly and self serving. Of course not knowing will hurt him because he can't protect himself from you if he doesn't know. He may choose to not be married to a cheater and that is his right. You have no right to deny him the right to make decisions about his own life. To not tell him is manipulative and deceitful; it is to trick him into staying married to you. Can you imagine using that logic if the situation was about your neighbor's bookkeeper embezzling money from him? Wouldn't it sound insane to say that you didn't want to warn your neighbor about his stealing bookkeeper because you "didn't want to hurt him?" Your justifications are silly, lokil. Your problem is that your husband will eventually find out some way - they always do - and the damage will be much greater if he hears it from the OM's wife. The damage will be HUGE when he finds out you lied to him about it too. Every day you don't tell him is a new lie added to the list. You are just compounding the crime and making it worse. I am not a cheater I cheated but I have never done it before and never do it again, i dont wnat a divorce, and yes as his iwfe I do feel a responsability to protect him from pain.
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And if you slept with someone once and you thought you would never do that...its most likely gonna happen again if you keep this secret...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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I've got a question.
Are you always right?
You wrote:
>My point was I don't really believe me not telling him is going to hurt him more than the fact I slept with my friends husband.
You also, once upon a time, believed you would never sleep with someone other than your husband.
I'd like to point out that you've been wrong at least once before. Can you concede that you might just be wrong here, too...or have you talked yourself into this belief so that you won't have to face that you've made a terrible mistake?
I want you to be healthy and happy - but neither of those things thrive in the midst of a lie. I've been facing the mistake I made for the last 2 days I know it was wrong I know I [censored] up, I may tell my husband have not decided yet. I don't want to make a rush desicion out of guilt, I don't want to destroy other peopples lives just so i can have a clear concience. I hope you tell your husband for HIS sake. He has a right to make decisions on his own behalf and for you to withold something so important for him will be crushing when he does finally find out (if you decide not to tell or to wait). Can I tell you something? The longer you wait to tell, the worse your imagination will make his reaction. My husband had no clear idea of the reaction he'd get from me and that hindered his telling me. He thought it would be a zillion times worse than it was and he was very stunned when I didn't kill him. It is a human thing to do, imagining the worst. What you are doing is not out of the ordinary....just out of the ordinary for you right now. I suspect your poor brain is on overload right now. I'm sorry for that. I really am.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Well congratulations, you are now a cheater, by continuing to lie you will always be one.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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[
I've been facing the mistake I made for the last 2 days I know it was wrong I know I [censored] up, I may tell my husband have not decided yet. I don't want to make a rush desicion out of guilt, I don't want to destroy other peopples lives just so i can have a clear concience. You are just making excuses. Your guilt and your conscience are irrelevant. What is relevant is your husband's need and right to know the truth about his own life. You know what is right to do, so making excuses to delay this decision is nothing more than that, making excuses. You already did destroy the lives of 2 people with your bad behavior. Now, they need to know so they can protect themselves from you. Honesty is the solution to adultery, not more lies. Withholding the truth is deceitful, cruel and manipulative.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why did you decide to have sex with this guy, anyway? Were you relatiuvely promiscuous before marriage? Maybe you need to assess what having sex means to you. To some folks, it has meaning. To others, it is merely a pleasurable bodily function, like taking a dump or eating.
If you find you do not put much significance on the sex act, as your actions would seem to indicate, you should assess whether your H has a similar attitude. If youu gous do not match up in this area, you need to consider divorcing and looking for someone who has values similar to your own in this area.
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I know... I know I slept with someone else every second I'm awake, it kills me everytime I talk to my husband on the phone.
My point was I don't really believe me not telling him is going to hurt him more than the fact I slept with my friends husband. So it worsens...
FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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You are a cheater. You slept with another man. That makes you a cheater. Doesn't matter if you did it once or 100 times. A cheater cheats. You cheated.
If you felt such a huge need to protect your H, you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. You aren't trying to protect him. You're trying to protect yourself from the consequences of your own actions.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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In a way Marriage Builders is like AA. I work the AA program and therefore it works for me, same deal with MB, lokil obviously refuses to work the program and thus will remain unrecovered and a cheater for the rest of her life, sadly enough.
I will pray for you.
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I am not a cheater I cheated but I have never done it before and never do it again, i dont wnat a divorce, and yes as his iwfe I do feel a responsability to protect him from pain. This is a lie. You are a cheater and a liar. You do not feel a responsibility to protect him, you already proved that is a lie. These are more lies. You want to trick him into staying married to you by lying to him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I was lonely, he travels a lof for work, he is changing positions so he doesn't have to travel that much, when we are together we are happy but it sucks when he is away.
Amd yes this guy is my friend we have known each other for ages, never slept together before
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Yes ALL cheaters have excuses.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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A "friend" wouldn't sleep with you in a moment of weakness...
At least none of mine ever has...
Of course the Wookie being a huge and hairy beast with cop toys polly helps, too.
This man isn't your "friend." He is barely a "man."
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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you ask me why i tell you and then you say they are jsut excuses wht else do you want...
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I was lonely, he travels a lof for work, he is changing positions so he doesn't have to travel that much, when we are together we are happy but it sucks when he is away.
Amd yes this guy is my friend we have known each other for ages, never slept together before Excuses....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've got a question.
Are you always right?
You wrote:
>My point was I don't really believe me not telling him is going to hurt him more than the fact I slept with my friends husband.
You also, once upon a time, believed you would never sleep with someone other than your husband.
I'd like to point out that you've been wrong at least once before. Can you concede that you might just be wrong here, too...or have you talked yourself into this belief so that you won't have to face that you've made a terrible mistake?
I want you to be healthy and happy - but neither of those things thrive in the midst of a lie. I've been facing the mistake I made for the last 2 days I know it was wrong I know I [censored] up, I may tell my husband have not decided yet. I don't want to make a rush desicion out of guilt, I don't want to destroy other peopples lives just so i can have a clear concience. You tell because your BH has the right to know. Clearing your conscience is a side benefit to you.
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The lying about it was worse to me then the actually adultery...JMHO. I don't know I mean I believe you think so but the reality is that what hurts is that your spouse cheated, I mean what if your spoused lied to you about eating a candy bar and then you found out 21 years later would it destroy your marriage the same as finding out about an affair. YOU don't know what you are talking about. Yes the cheating hurts like hayul...my H had two A's and the second we had multiple false recoveries. Let me tell you something, lokil it was the constant lying and gaslighting that gave me PTSD symptons. I can tell you also from my H's POV that it was the years of lies by ommission that angered and hurt him the most, not my affair. You are in the process of building a wall around you that will keep you from having true intimacy with your H. You can recover from this if he chooses but I doubt he will want to recover if you fail to tell him the truth AND expect him to continue to be "friends" with the OM.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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you ask me why i tell you and then you say they are jsut excuses wht else do you want... We want you to HONOR your husband like you promised. Lying to him and keeping things from him will NEVER allow you to honor him like he should be.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Listen, you made that mistake, everyone makes mistakes...now its how you deal with this mistake that will show how much you love your husband. Hopefully more than yourself...a lot of pain now vs. horrendous pain down the road...your choice for your husband.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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