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You'll get more responses if you talk more about what you're doing. What's in your brain, your Plan A, how WW is responding, that sort of thing.
When you just say "Hi, I'm here, any advice?" there isn't a lot to go on.
Talk to us.
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i've been plan A, Not talking about relationship, just doing and acting "as if". Going to plan a get away soon. Am continuing to show the great guy i am.Hoping she'll come to her senses, or get tired of this long distance phone affair. She is of course nice, polite,even cuddles in bed some. We go to gym sometimes together. I Will keep the board advised of what is occuring for direction.
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Way to go, Gary! Every opportunity you have to be with your wife and to work Plan A on her is a deposit in your "recovery bank."
You've got the odds going for you! Your wife gets to see how great a guy she married every day. OM is long-distance, and merely a disembodied voice.
Which isn't to say this is not emotionally tough on you. We get that.
So please, make sure you check in here as often as you can. We are the place you can vent steam, express doubt, come for hugs (alas, only virtually) and have an army of well-wishers and cheerleaders behind your computer screen.
Go get 'em, tiger!
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Thanks Fred for some positivity!!! good nite, Gary in CT
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I REALLY think I'm being a GOOD plan A guy. But.. i'm feeling really down and lonely. My wife and i are together, do things like go out, shop, enjoy our dog, movies. She's even talking about me accompanying her to a seminar next month and making it into a vacation. She even cuddles a bit like i said earlier and is a bit playful. BUT...there is no sex for 2 months now, and not much before that, and she Seems "distant". I'm not sure what i should be doing. I don't want to press her as in the past she reacts negatively to relationship talk and feels "smothered". Any advice from the board??
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You're doing great, Gary! It's only been a week since you first posted here, and look how far you've come.
This is the place to vent your frustrations, and that's what you're doing -- keep it up!
Know that withdrawal from -ANY- addiction takes a while. Alcoholics admitted to inpatient programs often have to be medicated for -days- just to get them past the acute withdrawal stage. Dr. H. likens an affair to an addiction, so your wife is still in the early stages of withdrawal.
It's important that you support your marriage --and her withdrawal-- at this stage. Just keep piling on the Plan A and use this place to blow off steam. Done well, and NC in place, she'll start coming around (heck, you've already seen glimpses of improvement; don't stop now!).
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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You're putting a lot of effort into Recreational Companionship. Is that one of her top needs? Usually it is a man's top need but with women, not so much. Not saying it's not possible, but you need to think about this and put your efforts into meeting HER top needs. The point of Plan A is not to meet the needs you would like met, but to meet the needs SHE would like met, and in the way she prefers.
Sorry to say but you need to forget about sex for a while. This is usually a man's top need but usually falls lower on the scale for women. This is a generalization, of course, but on average it's how things fall out.
I'm concerned that you're doing things for her that you wish she'd do for you.
Women's top ENs are usually things like financial support, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment. So think about this and see if you'd be getting "more bang for buck" by putting your efforts into different ENs.
I can't remember... who did you expose the A to, and when? When was D-Day?
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Thanks Fred. And Turtle; I Really believe i am meeting her emotional needs. Recreational IS a biggy for her. I'm there in every way. While i don't speak spanish very well, her english is great and we have great convos. She DID ,however,in the past indicate that sex was important. It is to me also! She USED to initiate and i was fine with that, thinking she'd never need to feel pressured and i was always ready, willing and able. BUT..in future conversations she told me that she didn't want to always be the initiator. SO..i started to be the initiator these past few years, BUT..she didn't respond so well to me. She said that she can't turn on like a switch. Then, in november, she told me she just DIDN'T FEEL IT with me. YOU CAN IMAGINE what that does to my confidence. SEX would give me hope, but I am afraid of the rejection and pressure she may feel. I hope i'm making sense here?
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I can't remember... who did you expose the A to, and when? When was D-Day?
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She, admitted her affair to her brother , sister ,aunt and friends. I told my brother ,sister and my close friends. Like i said before, the guy's in south america, in a small, poor community. Any contact with him (he is single) is probably impossible for me. D-day, (the time i found out about this) was thanksgiving. The exposure on her part i can't really say, i suppose it was gradual with her family and friends. I told my family and friends around late dec.
Last edited by gary44; 01/29/10 04:22 PM.
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In my opinion you need to expose to her family and friends. For all you know she's said "gary44 and I are not getting along; he's controlling, abusive, distant, and uninvolved. I don't think he loves me any more. Fortunately I have a good friend who speaks my native language and he is helping me see things from a man's perspective. I'm so glad I have someone to talk to, I would be lost without that..."
Her friends and family need to hear from you that "WW and OM are having a long distance affair. I love my wife more than anything and I will do everything in my power to make this marriage stronger and better than it ever was before. Do you have any advice for me?"
You also need to tell your son.
What are you doing to make her affair difficult?
Who pays for the phone bills?
Does she talk to him via chat, email? Who pays for that? Do you have the ability to block email/chat in your home?
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The thing is, the carrot part of Plan A is good, but right now she is cake-eating. You need some stick, too. I think the following was written by Pep:
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
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She uses her cell to communicate via phone cards. I have spoken to her sister and some friends of hers..they are upset at her behavior but seem to support her decisions. They've advised me to give her an ultimatum or leave. My family , of course, wants me to leave. Her son, 18, is having some emotional an behavioral problems affecting his schooling and I don't want to further his difficulties. How do i make this affair difficult?
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So, how do I stop her from cake-eating? I know i'm doing the carrot well, and trying to do some stick. You know how much this hurts and drains. Seriously, how do i stop her from talking to this guy. Please! And during this carrot phase, do i pursue or back off (not cool off) ,so as not to "smother' her. thanks
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gary, is this you? hi. rich here 48. wife 40 m 10 years , together 11. have on stepson 19. wife told me love but not in love. she's strayed i'm sure on occasion last 2 years. she saw a psych who said she's confused and immature. oct 1 she moved out for supposedly 2-3 months to think. She admitted to having a male in south america (where she is from orig. 20 years ago) with whom she had affair with on a trip there. She moved back in 12 days after she left and said she loves me and wants to work on things. we never fight nor have financial woes. we have a nice little life but she's always bored and thinks there's more to life . for 2 weeks after she came back after moving out with only a suitcase, she was doing all the right things. but i noticed she's still in contact with this guy. he has no visa and can never come here. i try, try!! to ignore this chalking it up to fantasy but have seen and heard explicit stuff. last week we found out she is pregnant. I am almost 100% sure it's mine. the timing makes sense (about 3 weeks prgnant) . neither of us wants another kid. she wants to terminate but i said we could keep the child if we could work things out. She is very upset and does not want to have it. It seems that since sunday when we found out she's gone very dark on me. She does not want to talk about us or anything. My adviser told me NOT to try to force communication. But i'm dying here for something....I don't know what to do???? sorry to ramble but i am physically sick with nausea. thanks, richs61
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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She uses her cell to communicate via phone cards. Who pays for the phone cards? Is there any monthly charge for the cell phone? If so, who pays that? Does she communicate with OM in chat or emails? If so, who pays for the internet? Do you have the ability to block IM and email in your home? I swear... I thought I asked all this already. Talking to you is like pulling teeth. Toss us a bone, man. I have spoken to her sister and some friends of hers..they are upset at her behavior but seem to support her decisions. Did you say "WW is in an affair with OM, blah, blah, blah"? "Speaking to her sister and some friends" is not necessarily exposing. What about her parents? Did you expose to them? Her son, 18, is having some emotional an behavioral problems affecting his schooling Why is that, do you think? And during this carrot phase, do i pursue or back off (not cool off) ,so as not to "smother' her. thanks Be fun, happy, and upbeat. Don't be needy, whiny, or clingy. Do interesting things. Invite her along and if she declines, oh well her choice. Mention what a great time you had and how much she would have enjoyed it. Give her a quick hug or touch or kiss in passing but don't linger.
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her phone, her cards she buys for 2 dollars
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gary, could you please answer my question?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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