OW is not married. She's someone he went to high school with and who he describes as a 'trouble maker'. He swears she would be the last person he would want anything to do with.

After she posted that mssg. on his FB he said he was so mad he told her he didn't 'need this kind of drama' and he said he defriended her as well.

Thank you. I searched on this site and didn't see it. I wanted to make sure I had MB's definition in case it was different from Google's.

He is definitely in an affair. Removing her from his friends list means nothing. My Wxh removed my cousin and they just took their conversatons to Yahoo chat.

However, it is possible that this FB friend is NOT the OW he is in an affair with. Might explain why he is ticked at her for bring suspicion upon him about his real affair.

Can you get access to his phone records before he switched them to his name only?

I have wondered if there is someone else besides the girl from FB. He also struck up a friendship with a female from his past that he used to be romantically interested in (they were very good friends, but apparently never officially dated). I discovered this about two weeks ago and that was a source of friction between us. I told him it seemed like a really unwise step to seek out old female friends at a time when he was not feeling good about himself(from being unemployed for over two months). That particular friend is married.

Unfortunately there is now no way for me to get his phone records since he took all of the bills with him when he moved out.

One thing that might happen is that I could get a paper phone bill in the mail for this past month. I wouldn't be surprised if he requested to cancel paper bills and have it all on line. He's been very thorough.

Sounds like you need to hire a PI, Jill. I am so sorry for your pain.

God's blessings,

Say

Was your name previously on the phone bill? You could call the phone co. And tell them you need the phone records from when your name was on the account. Same thing with bank records.

The phone bill never has been in my name, although I paid for it out of my bank acct. After months of telling DH that he needed to watch the # of text messages, I finally reached a point (after having the bill be over $100 more than usual) of telling him he was to take over payment of it all.

Our bank accounts have always been separate.

What amazes me is how he can now act as if nothing in the world is wrong. He almost acts cheerful and offers to shovel the drive, get groceries, etc. I am so mad and disgusted right now I can barely even stand to look at him.

His behavior sounds very much like my WH. I think the "nice" gestures are a way of appeasing his guilt; except my WH would alternate between the "nice, cheerful" guy and an evil vindictive demon sort. I also think they are trying to look like the good guy. JMHO

I think you're exactly right. Before this all came out he had been really short-tempered and irritable around the house, more than usual. It was very uncomfortable to be around him the past couple of weeks. And the kicker is that he walked out the day I came home from having a surgery! He tried to explain to my mother that he hadn't planned on doing that and had planned on helping me out. Trying to sounds like a good guy even though the facts show otherwise.

I have been keeping his mother informed about everything I know. She's very shocked but supportive of me and the kids. I have no idea what he has told her, but I'm fairly certain it involved putting all of the blame on me.

She's a psychologist, so I think she 'gets it' better than most people. Plus, she's been through this with my DH's father (her ex for many years), who had an affair and has always been a very miserable person.

Obviously.

If he went from electronic disclosure to underground, home to hotel to an aparartment lease in just a few days, I'd bet he is flip flopping all over the place and does not know what the heck he's doing. I wouldn't put much thought/worry into what he is saying right now, I bet he is going to change back and forth quite a few times.

Do you think his actions are "trying to teach you a lesson" from snooping on him in the first place? Childish I know.

This still does no change the fact the you need to read, find out the best snooping procedures (so an opportunity does not present itself and go undone) car phone/gps, computer keylogger, account numbers and records-- you need to educate yourself on this stuff.

Yep, the irritability before leaving was the same for me; except I thought it was stress form his deployment. Also lots of support from MIL. Also lots of lies and exaggerated truths being told about me so WH can look good and I can look bad.

I would bet money that your WH is having an affair. It took me 3 months of searching to find out for sure who it was, but keep in mind my WH affair was taking place halfway across the country. Also, it turned out it wasn't who I first suspected.

You have the benfit that it is much closer to home. Find out who it is for sure and then expose it.

I spent 3 months feeling helpless. It may sound weird, but i feel better knowing; not so helpless, I'm no longr wondering in the back of my head if I'm imagining it.

I'm not being very clear.

I think Jill knows very well that her H is having an affair. I think she was saying that she has evidence that it goes at least as far back as the New Year party. She was not saying that it has only happened in the last 6 days.

I think she is bewildered at how he could deny the FB entry on Monday and have moved out by Friday. I don't think she is bewildered about whether there is an affair, or what an affair is, but about how her life could have turned upside down in 4-5 days.

I don't think she is looking for us to tell her he is having an affair, but for help with what to do now.

Sorry Jill, to speak for you, but I am trying to clarify my own statement. If I am wrong about your knowledge, please tell me.

So my 7 year old dau. just came back from spending the night in a hotel (with a pool, of course) with DH. She came home dressed head to toe in new clothes, new gifts, pizza and ice -cream. She was so excited about her new 'princess bed' that daddy bought her for his 'new home'.

I know the Disney Land dad thing is going to happen, but wow...he didn't hold back on this!

Now he wants to know when he can see her again. I told him next weekend. He wanted her to stay the night with him during the week and I said no, it's too disruptive to her schedule. Besides the fact that he is chronically late for everything (she'd be late to school) her school is over 45 minutes away from where he's staying.

I don't know where to go from here.

I feel your pain. My husband and I have been married 9 years and were high school sweethearts. He all the sudden one day told me he didnt love me anymore and that there was no hope for us. We've had communication problems at times and focused so much on our two little boys but he just gave up one day and acted like he hated me all the sudden. I've been a mess and this has been going on for 10 weeks. He's been staying at his parents house and just found out this Monday that he was having an affair with the girl up the road, who we all knew, she's just turned 22 and he's 34. I don't get it! I confronted him about the message I heard and he didn't know what to say. I've been waiting to see what he may say to me, praying he's sorry and wants to finally try counseling or something but he hasn't done anything. He came to get the boys last night to go swimming and thanked me for letting him have them. I don't know what to do. I'm wanting to try to make the marriage work before he gets a divorce, or if he has.

((((Jill)))),

I am so sorry you are here. Of course you are in SHOCK.....you have just been dealt the 2 of clubs in your poker hand!!!...I suspect a dirty dealer.

BUT, since you came here, you have a whole arsenal of weapons at your disposal. That's the good news.....

I second Mel's advice. You need to snoop, snoop, spy and snoop some more. I feel for you. I was in exactly the same position 2 yrs ago. My H moved out, I had NO CLUE what was going on, H had spun me a story so good, I couldn't find info. for nearly 4 months. DROVE ME BATTY!!!!

Of course, he was threatening me with everything under the sun in order to get me not to snoop...and it worked....for awhile.....then the good people here helped me out, and with some major good snooping, a little luck, well, I got EVERYTHING......

First off, you said you have a DD14...does she have a FB page???....If so, has he friended her???...if she doesn't, well it might be a good time to let her have one..... . He probably won't friend her, but that's okay, it just puts HIM in an akward position. Try it anyway....

Second, get a GPS on his car. This is much cheaper than the PI route. You can track his where abouts.

Third, if you still have set of keys to his car (mine took my set, so this didn't help me, but I'm looking for holes here....), put in a VAR (voice activated recorder).

The GPS won't need a second set of keys, so that you can do anyway. Then plan for a weekend when you and some friends can follow him.

Next up, is meeting his EN'S. Do you know what they are?? Read up on here about them and try to figure them out. It is important that you do this part. You want to make the home a warm and inviting place. A place he misses and WANTS to come back to......

And lastly, take care of yourself. I know it is hard to get any sleep and to remember to eat. But you need to keep up your strength. You have two wonderful girls who need their mom......

Hang in there....the road is only beginning

not2fun

Thank you all again for the advice and support. And yes, I think I am convinced there is an affair (it's all staring me right in the face), it's just hard to get past the 'what if's' that he planted in my mind where he blames me for his misery and leaving. Going from Monday discovering the FB mssg. from OW to Wed. him moving out has left my head spinning.

Since he is aware of MB he already knows all of the tricks to discover things...I actually tried the Voice Recorder thing years ago and he found it. He is now living in a different town so it would be harder to put the GPS thing on his vehicle, but it could be done.

As far as emotional needs, that's tough. Like I said I am so disgusted with him right now I cannot even look at him. I have changed our locks and I will no longer let him in our house. I felt I had to do that after he removed our computer from our home...I had no way of knowing what else he would take from the house. Maybe that's wrong and I should be welcoming him with open arms. Honestly, I'm just not there yet and don't know if I'll ever be.

Again, thank you so much for validating what I have seen right before my eyes (but what has been twisted around with crazy-making and denial). I'm so grateful for all the support and information!

Jill,

Every betrayed spouse (BS) who comes here has the choice to make over whether they wish to try to save their marriage or not. If you decide you'd rather not, that's your decision and no one will blame you for it or hold it against you.

In fact, after coming here and working with the great 'veterans' who've seen and done it all, I came to the realization that "recovery" for me meant NOT staying in the marriage, but to work on becoming a better person. I am pursuing that goal even now.

This site is Marriage Builders. If you want to try to save your marriage, this is the best bet going. No guarantees, of course. But if you give it your all, you'll find peace knowing you did everything you could. And that alone is worth the effort!

Dealing with someone who knows MB and the concepts will make it tricky but not impossible. The one thing that has become apparent to me is that waywards screw up. After all, isn't that what an affair is in the first place? Your husband is no different. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. There are "pros" here who will tell you how to work around the defenses he's erected. And he WILL screw up.

Hang in there, Jill (by the way, I second the notion that you might want to change your handle if that's your real name). He's won Round One right now. But this is a title bout, and you're stronger than that!

So like Father like son? sounds like your H actually has the same genetic makeup as his dad, which doesn't bode well for success. . .

I would think that his FOO family of origin is his real issue, and not you. . . he is just acting out the same behaviors which are in his genetics. . .

sorry, best to procedd straight to lawyer to get him a quick dose of reality before it gets way too wierd

wiftty

All of us have half the genetic make-up of our fathers! What an odd statement.

However, I have never seen evidence that having an affair is genetically determined. Certainly, there seem to be social and cultural factors which might make infidelity more or less acceptable. In France, as I understand it, it is not frowned upon for a man to have a discreet mistress in an otherwise happy marriage. In societies such as the UK and USA, where traditional marriage is in long-term decline, we seem to have lost the sense of disgrace attached to an affair (in my view). Here, affairs might well appear in different branches of a family.

If families have tolerated affairs in one generation it might be easier for the next to have them, but affairs are not genetic, as far as I know.

Jill should be encouraged to think about whether to attempt reconciliation or whether to let this marriage go, but her H's genetics are not an issue. Dr Harley does not base his advice around that factor at all.

Jill came to MB, so rebuilding her marriage must be the way she is leaning at the moment. She should not be told to divorce now because her H's father had an affair.

I am really surprised by my feelings right now. Of course I'm hurt and angry, but the one feeling I didn't plan on having is ...relieved???

I'm just wondering if this is common, this early in a separation (remember, I just found out H wanted a separation this Monday and he moved out two days later on Wed.)???

Of course I have so much confusion about everything since it all seems so out of the blue, but I am really shocked by how I almost feel relieved that he is gone (he has been so moody, irritable and selfish for a really long time) and the lack of interest I have in trying to 'fix' anything right now.

Just wondering if these are common feelings at this stage or if this reveals something deeper, like a marriage that isn't really worth saving anyway?