Sorry, my bad. What is obvious is that once she realizes I have exposed, she moves on to people I have not exposed to. I probably missed 2-3 mid value targets due to time and circumstance.


That is good advice. Exposure is no longer my top priority, but I should capitalize on opportunities when they present themselves.

Should I pursue these last 2-3 mid value targets? I did manage did get to 21 people when I undertook my nuclear exposure, so it has been reasonably thorough, but not 100%.

I almost feel like I should not, because:

- these people will naturally hear about it through the rest of the network
- I need to be Plan A massive now
- leaving her some internal support might keep her from engaging strangers

What do you think?

Thanks Fred, once again my bad though. Which chapter is it in? The page numbers are different in the digital version... Cheers ~

Hi mfoss, Chapter 6: Preparing for Marital Recovery (it's actually just a few pages before Chapter 7).

My perspective on exposure is that as long as one is in Plan A, exposure is a "go." It's part of the Carrot & the Stick. It's only when Plan B takes effect that exposure stops (as much as I'd like to continue when I see targets of opportunity, I have been advised not to).

Found it, thanks. I do not have a Kindle, and I am using the Kindle app for the iPhone, which leaves a lot to be desired, but I found it. A very good section for me to re-read.

I struggle a LOT with talking to WW when I feel she enters alien mode. It seems that happens often right now, and I have to balance not LBusting by listening and being available for any non-alien parts, while not buying into/listening to alien mode and responding with lbusters!

I feel "would you like a cookie" is a lbuster, no?

My take is that right now I need to Plan A through actions, and less through conversation about pain etc... I will try and direct conversations towards practical matters and being helpful, or share humour etc...

Thoughts on this appreciated.

No.

The "I have a cookie" strategy is a deflection. Its purpose is to keep us from making LBs when WS tempts us to do so.

WS: "I don't want to remain married to you. I don't love you any more. I think you're a horrid human being."

You: "Hmmm, I'll have to think about that. Hey, isn't [insert WS' favorite TV program] coming on now?"

(Then you retreat into the computer room where you come here and vent).

Being the best husband you can be is always the best path to take. This doesn't mean being a doormat.

Hot dang it Fred, right on the money. Thanks for being around. I have to be honest, I had a bad middle of the day, and I was feeling confused and discouraged. I feel better now.

I knew there was a reason I've been spending so much time on this board today. Well, that and the seven inches of anthropogenic "global warming" that's been falling all day...

Alright MFOSS,
Just read your thread......took me awhile ... I have to say I think you have done an outstanding job so far.....Most would have walked away by now ....it says volumes about your character and your commitment to your family and marriage.....

I have my Plan-B letter on my thread if you will click on my name and look at my posts it's "Under Plan-B looking for input" on 5/13/09 I think......I think now I would have changed it a little ...not offered the money for the apartment...

Anytime you make an ultimatum you have to be sure you are ready to suffer the consequences.....Plan-B is an ultimatum and the consequences are

1. not being able to plan-A anymore....your best chance of recovery is for her to be in the home with you....
2. WW says upyours I'm not leaving the house you are.....
3. WW leaves with the kids after tapping all your cash and moves in with the OM....
4. Insert your worst nightmare.....

Knowledge IS POWER..... she doesn't know what a Plan-B is or that it's about to be thrust upon her.....It's your job to as best as you can to plan what your response will be to any curves she throws at you......The last thing you want is to loose control of your plan because of poor planing!!!!!


For instance my best friend advised me to take anything I didn't want to loose out the house before the WW started to pack up (like the family albums) because it's much easier to GIVE it back than it is to GET it back.....

As you face this next step I want you to consider.....

1. Start your "War Chest"..... that's all the evidence of the A's
2. Protect your money....you've already been advise on that
3. Protect your kids....
4. Talk to a lawyer.....Part of the plan so you know what your options are

In the great state of Tennessee the assets are not necessarily divided equally..... her miss behavior matters..... and if you can get her out of the house and she is living on her own WITHOUT your support you will pay less if any alimony.....my goal was to have my WW own her own for a year be for going to court


Don't stay in this environment (with the WW) to long ....In hind sight I wish I had Plan-B sooner.....but my WW did finally agree to NC.....I wish I could say were in recovery now but I call it treading water....still waiting for the fog to clear......

You continue to get great advice here...... Use it and stay the course!!!!!

hi still committed - thanks for your guidance and encouraging words.

I am still struggling with my plan b plan a bit, but making progress to be sure. I drew up a list of IM's last night.

My real dilemma over planb is now that I have killed two affairs (one not sexual, one a one night stand), when picking a date for planb, am I resolving to stick to that date no matter what happens, or if there is another OM, should I just graduate to plan B. This will effect my date selection.

In SAA and on these boards, many who recover seem to persist some absolutely horrid and re-occuring acts, I am not sure where my limit is, but I feel like I am approaching it.

Thoughts?

Hey Fred - I am helping you shovel in spirit!

Here is another issue on which I would like some counsel. I have to take a business trip later this month, and I have suggested that my mother come and stay with WW and the kids while I am away. She has agreed to this.

I could cancel the trip, but it is actually quite important for my company, so I am looking for ways to make it happen.

Thoughts / suggestions?

Hi mfoss, when is the trip? And to save me time re-scanning your story, how much in your corner is your mother? Is it possible for your mother to be an "extension" of Plan A?

By that, I don't mean being a stand-in for meeting WW's EN, but as a proxy, perhaps being able to speak with her one-on-one, without being judgmental or critical? How well do your mother and WW get along?

How does WW feel about this, or does she not know?

You want to avoid giving the impression you are having WW watched or "baby-sat."

If you go on this trip, I'm sure you've read about some of the things you can do to Plan A while you're away. You can probably get your mother to help here, too. You know, stash little "love notes" about where WW is sure to find them. If you write them out beforehand, your mother may be able to "distribute" them randomly at intervals.

For the rest, I'm going to punt and ask the assembled experts to chime in...

The trip is in two weeks.

I spoke to WW about it before talking to my mother. WW was initially against it, but eventually came to me and said it was ok.

My mother is quite neutral, and gets along with WW well. She really is the best available candidate for the job.

With respect to "watched", I hear you. I think my mom can provide some stability and helping hands / ears without being resented by WW.

I will need to work on my remote plan A in advance for sure.

How long is the trip? From what you've said, I think you have the best solution short of canceling given the circumstances. If the trip is one two-three days, I think it's a go. If it's longer, some backup contingencies may be necessary.

The trip is 4 days. I will keep trying to work it out and prepare.

I sat down and did some writing about a bunch of things, and came up with some things I could use guidance on...

- "open to reconciliation" versus "committed to saving the marriage", I have been inconsistent on this, and I am more comfortable with "open to reconciliation" at this point, esp. publicly, am I hurting my cause by not being more open and certain

- how to deal with social/peer pressure to just "give up"?

- I have found occasionally myself making plans to go out so that she has to be at home with the kids, as opposed to creating an opp for her to go out; this strikes me a not "great husband" behaviour, and I am guessing I should stop it?

Should I become a homebody?

How do I express my concerns when she makes plans to go out, without being demanding or disrespectful?

Sorry for the large dump, appreciate your thoughts.

I am not a vet but I do have a thought on one of your questions. The part about the social/ peer pressure. I actually stated to people that I would talk to that it was not supportive to tell me things like that although I understood that they were doing what they thought was best for me.

Just today I spent my hour lunch telling an older lady that I was not going to file for a D unless I wanted to be D. Then I explained the concepts of Dr H's and about this website and if she wanted to check it out and talk to me about it I would. Then I spent another 20 minutes talking to another co-worker about how I did not want to move on and find someone new and how I was still married and I wasn't ready to give up on my M just yet. She replied with, "I think you need a man for companionship and you are a good person and I know there is someone out there to make you happy." To which I responded, "I can get a dog." She laughed but I really wasn't joking(okay maybe a little).

It is a foreign concept to MANY MANY people as to how any BS could WANT to save their M. Well, we might be a minority, but I do believe in Dr H's basic concepts and MB principles. I believe that even if I don't have a chance to R my M, that this advice on here will give me the best chance. I firmly believe that if people followed MB principles that they would have fulfilling marriages. I direct people here all of the time. Some of my friends have even followed through and it is a lot easier to talk to them after they know some of the basic concepts themselves. Hope I helped.

It's hard to see when they do not walk in your steps.

Though most people remain married after an affair. Level of recovery is all over the place though.

Thanks Scotland, some good advice there. I often say something along the lines of "I am not in any position to make a decision about what type of relationship we might have in the future, I only know I want it to be a high quality relationship".

I often talk about MB principles and facts as well, and that helps sometimes. There are some people who just want me to give up. interestingly they have often just spoken to WW...

Hi all -

Pretty good day here in many regards. Did some very healthy things, and feel good for it. Also got some planA in. I would appreciate thoughts on the following...

What are my NC terms with no active OM? I feel I (obviously) need to protect against new relationships / one night stands. Is there a way to express all this without being demanding?

Thanks!

So, the last few days have been interesting, and generally good. I am putting 98% of my focus into Plan A, and 2% into preparing for Plan B.

The last exposure was very effective, and caused a lot of stress for WW. Because it was a sexual one night stand (and the second exposure), a lot of friends and family are reacting strongly. There has been some anger/fallout directed towards her from third parties. She has largely withdrawn from contact, and is quite prone to alien mode.

A couple of things I would appreciate guidance on:

- she is accusing me of being controlling, mis-representing things, and not listening to her, this seems to be WS alien talk 101, and I suppose I should just deflect and prove her wrong through my actions, it is hard to not be drawn into it though. anything specific I should be doing to counter these assertions?

- she met with a family member that I did not expose to directly, but who likely has heard lots through the grapevine, is it more of a lovebuster for me to reach out to this person to give her "my side", or should I just focus on Plan A?

Thanks!

- she is accusing me of being controlling, mis-representing things, and not listening to her, this seems to be WS alien talk 101, and I suppose I should just deflect and prove her wrong through my actions, it is hard to not be drawn into it though. anything specific I should be doing to counter these assertions?

Just deflect and let your actions speak louder than words.

- she met with a family member that I did not expose to directly, but who likely has heard lots through the grapevine, is it more of a lovebuster for me to reach out to this person to give her "my side", or should I just focus on Plan A?

I'd ignore this entirely, unless your WW starts relying on this person heavily. Right now, it may be something that calms her down a little. But watch it closely.