FWIW Jill, I had that same feeling and also felt guilty about it. There were a lot of other emotions too, and most of them were in the forefront, but I knew inside me there was a small corner that felt relief.

Looking back, I know now that what I felt was a sense of liberation. For so long I had been "walking on eggshells" and letting myself be emotionally tortured by my wife.

Call it my co-dependency. I wanted to make her happy and not make her angry. I had gotten to know her "hot buttons" and tried to stay clear of them. Because when she was triggered, her wrath, although not loud and violent, was intense and focused. On me.

When she left, I knew I didn't have to suffer from the emotional battering I had unknowingly allowed myself to be subjected to.

It's now been three months. I'm in the darkest of Plan B's right now, and I can tell you that I'm actually sleeping better now, and I have no problem keeping my own company!

Wow, this post is stunning because it describes me to a "T". The eggshells, the wrath, etc. It had gotten to the point where it was just easier to keep all my feelings inside because it wasn't worth the anger that was sure to follow if I were to dare share anything that he didn't like.

His mother just e-mailed me (the psychologist that I thought 'got it'). She says she does not believe he is having an affair and is only guilty of showing "poor judgement" by smoking pot with the other girl. In other words, she is believing everything he has told her (that his reason for leaving is my fault). I shouldn't be surprised by that, but I am disappointed and hurt.

Maybe my own pride, if nothing else, will prompt me to want to get a P.I. to find the truth. I honestly feel like he has cut off all other ways for me to spy or get info. on him without going this route.

And in honor of crazy-making, is it possible that he in fact was just so miserable with me that he did want to leave and found this facebook discovery the easiest route to go, without having an affair??? And is it possible he covered up all his tracks so well not because he had anything to hide, but rather because he's familiar with MB and didn't want me to 'read into' anything???

Peace of mind is priceless, Jill. Get the PI and yes, anything is possible with a wayward but you will make yourself crazy trying to figure out his motives.

God's Blessings,

Say

At the risk of incurring the wrath of the marriagebuilders here, if you think your experience is similar to mine, I can only offer you the same advice that I received:

Check out the possibility that your H has a personality disorder. Wouldn't that be something for his psychologist mother???

A few resources links:

• Real Mental Health: Cluster B Personality Disorders
• How to Know When Love is a Con
• A Shink 4 Men (well, even though it's geared toward men, the information there --by a woman clinical psychologist-- is good enough for everyone!

There are others, but these might open your eyes a bit...

Thank you. I'm wondering how a PI would be able to track anything if it's all long-distance and/or online? I feel like a lot of our problems started after my H got Facebook and started reconnecting with all those long lost 'friends'.

Jill, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

If Facebook is a key, you can use it effectively in exposing...

He is definitely having an affair, you just haven't figured out with who yet. I would recommend you take the following steps:

1) Hire a PI. I'm sure a PI can follow him and find out with who. They are professionals.

2) Expose. Once you have proof of his affair, his mother will be a whole lot more willing to put pressure on your husband. Ditto for other people. That is why he is being so secretive. He knows getting found out and having his affair exposed will ruin it.

3) File for legal separation if your state allows it. You want him to get hit hard, real hard. Nothing to throw cold water on an affair like real world consequences he hadn't thought of. Get custody firmed up, get support removed directly from his paycheck, make him pay for legal bills, protect your own finances. Right now he thinks he can walk all over you. Let him know that will not be the case.

Wow Fred, the personality disorder is an issue that has come up again and again in this marriage (I am actually a Clinician). Early on in our marriage I was convinced he was Borderline PD, but of course I never got very far in getting any help with that, and he resented the heck out of me even bringing that up. I'm sure he's at least BiPolar with OCD tendancies. His father is Narcissistic PD, which I've often wondered if H shares some traits with as well.

And Jim, thank you for that very specific and excellent advice. I'm reluctant to tell exactly what I'm planning to do, as I'm not convinced he's not on here following what my next move will be, but let's just say that is very helpful and I will tell more at a later time.

Do you all recommend I contact the the girl via FB (the one he partied with and who encouraged him to leave his family) and ask her what happened the night they were together?

Ok, I won't bother with possible OW then. Thanks.

I have another question. When my H changed out our computers and installed a brand new one in our house before he left, is it possible he could have put some kind of keylogger or tracer on it without me knowing? Could he get access to to that kind of thing long-distance? Is there any way I can tell on my computer?

Sorry if these questions are ridiculous. I am really struggling on focusing and trying to read as much as possible, it's just been very difficult. Between the shock of all this and trying to recover from the surgery I just had, I am struggling to focus.

Oh, it's very possible, Jill, and yes, keyloggers can be set to send the results to a remote email account. Your H could indeed be tracking everything you write.

I think that the very sophisticated keyloggers need specialist detection. You might have to take the PC to the shop and pay for this.

Others know more about the technical side, but as to the possibility - yes.

Oh wow, another thing to worry about.

Is it usual for cheaters to be interested enough to do something like this, or do they just usually worry about covering up their own tracks and getting out?

He is very litigtion-minded...(narcissistic father was attorney who made his career out of suing people) so maybe he's 'collecting evidence'????

Well, you first asked whether it was possible, not whether it was usual.

I wouldn't say that it is usual, based on the many stories I have read here, nor is it likely, exactly.

It is more "usual" for a WS to go to great lengths to avoid being caught, and if they are technologically aware, to search for the BS's keylogger, and disable it. Alternatively, they will stop using the home PC. You can always find a PC to use elsewhere!

I have never read of a WS removing the existing PC and leaving behind a brand new one with a spying device.

However, it is possible that this is what he has done, and also, your H is familiar with this website, so it is likely that he is reading here..

Geez, I wish I'd have known that sooner.

I had a crazy thought...if all the MB'ers pooled thier expertise and spying techniques we could open a chain of P.I. agencies around the world. It would be like the McD's of spying. I dunno, I have weird thoughts sometimes...

That has already happened.

A poster in Australia couldn't afford a PI in one of the US states, where her H was working. A poster here volunteered to spy, and got photos of H and OW together in a public place.

I don't know what happened after that.

If your WS has mentioned MB, I am pretty sure he has been on here and armed himself with a lot of the info here about proving an affair and has changed all passwords, gotten a new computer to prevent you from proving he is having an affair.

Just a reminder of what I posted to you earlier.

Also ITA with SugarCane.

I have never read of a WS removing the existing PC and leaving behind a brand new one with a spying device.

However, it is possible that this is what he has done, and also, your H is familiar with this website, so it is likely that he is reading here..

Is there some way you can check the new computer to see if it has spyware?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi JM,
I'm jumping in because I can relate to your story. I put up with increasing hostility and distance for almost 8 months before I was blindsided with a WAH and then discovering an A.
You are getting great advice and support here.

You are relieved because you now know you are not crazy, you know the hostility you have been dealing with are not because of you. WAS's cook up all kinds of "reasons" to justify their behavior. I was told, I was a bad wife, mother, housekeeper, you name it. I took these complaints to heart, and still sometimes wonder but I know intellectually these complaints are NOT valid.

The "gaslighting" is crazy-making! You are free of that now that he is gone. Being lied to by the person you trust most is hard to accept. His perceptions of reality are twisted right now and it is best you do not believe anything he says and hardly anything he does. You cannot reason with a irrational person (unless maybe if you are trained in cognitive behavioral therapy).

Here is a list of distorted thinking patterns. We all use them from time to time.
They are called distorted thinking, due to their irrational nature. Most of the time we use them unknowingly, therefore, by becoming more aware of our own distorted beliefs, we can rationally challenge the beliefs and change. Upon changing, our mood can positively change as well. Being able to identify them in you H, will free you to move forward.

1. Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a
situation.

2. Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you are a failure.
There is no middle ground.

3. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once you expect it to happen over and over again.

4. Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do.
In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you.

5. Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start the what game: What if
tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?

6. Personalization: Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also
compare yourself to others, trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.

7. Control Fallacies: If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate.
The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you.

8. Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what is fair but other people will not agree with you.

9. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain. Or take the other tack and blame yourself for
every problem or reversal.

10. Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the
rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules.

11. Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true-automatically. If you feel stupid and
boring, then you must be stupid and boring.

12. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure them enough.
You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment.

14. Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness.

15. Heavenly Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay-off, as if there were someone keeping score. You feel bitter when the reward does not come.

16. Passive Thinking: You believe that your wants, needs and rights are not important enough to assert with others.

Also, you need to know exactly what you are dealing with. Do you have a friend that can follow him for a few days or rent a car and do it yourself? I would advise Not confronting H with what you find right away. You will need multiple sources/instances because they tend to try to continue gaslighting with only one or two pieces of "evidence". Try to get the whole story first.

Then you can make a plan and we will help you!

T/J-- TAG - this is GREAT info... in fact I copied it to my notes on Facebook because there are some others in my life who need to see it. (Is that distorted thinking? lol)

End T/J