I'm not sure of what I want to say. It sounds silly but I feel like going through this has taken awa my ability to think and make decisions.

I guess I'd say I want to give him the facts about what is going on. Do I ask for his help in putting an end to the A. Last thing I want is to push OW toward my H. Right now I feel like if H had to pick he'd pick her. I'm working hard at plan A this weekend

It's OK, RedsWife. This is a major trauma, you're not expected to be thinking clearly and level-headed. That's why we're here to help.

Are you going to call or write? I had no choice, as the only phone number I could find for OMW was disconnected. So I wrote.

In my letter, I simply said, "The purpose of this letter is to inform you that your H, <his name> is having an affair with my W <her name>. I do not wish to know the circumstances of the relationship between you and OM, I just wish this affair to stop. I love my wife dearly and will go to any length to restore my marriage."

Incidentally, I gave her both of their names so that she would know I was talking about her H and was not some sort of crank.

Other than that, there isn't anything to say.

The purpose of exposure is to EXPOSE. You cannot determine or dictate what others are going to do. But once they have the knowledge of the affair, the bell has been rung.

You can't unring a bell.

And the light of truth begins to shine on the ugly darkness of a secret, illicit affair.

Your example is straight forward and to the point. I will try to do something like this. I wasn't sure if I needed to elaborate on details or not. This was really helpful.

You can say, "I have proof," if you want to add emphasis, but don't OFFER what you have. If asked, simply respond that you will be happy to provide it at the appropriate time and place. If asked where or how you got it, simply say, "from reliable sources."

You are not NEGOTIATING with these people. They are EXPOSURE TARGETS.

I sent the message to two email addresses I found for OWBF. One of which being his work email. So long as my messages don't go to spam he should get it. I wrote something similar to Fred's example above.

This evening H and I had a talk. He stated again that the A was not my fault and that he let his guard down and got caught in the emotion of it all. He has not finished reading SAA, I kind of feel like he prob doesn't want to instill the MB principles in our marriage. I'm not sure what Steve says to him but I sure hope he can sell him on the principles.
I did let H know that I saw he deleted his search for OW. He admitted to it right away and said it was a mistake. He said he deleted the history because he did not want to put any pressure on our relationship. That doesn't make any sense to me but I accepted his answer and did not get angry and yell like I would have in the past.

Am I on the right track? Does our situation sound hopeless? I'm having a hard time having hope that things will change but will keep trying to do my best.

I got a read reciept that my message to OWBF was opened this
morning. Do you think thus will cause OW to try to contact WH?

Yes. But not in a good way.

You see, exposure is like shining light on a sleeping vampire. Once the two realize their little secret is now out, they are going to start getting very angry.

Be warned: YOU are going to get the major brunt of their (his) ire. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. This is all part of the meltdown that begins the end of an affair.

It has begun.

OK, I'm nervous about the backlash as the last time it got really ugly around here. Nonetheless I'm ready to reclaim what is mine and will do what is necessary to save our M.

RW,

You are doing very well. Exposure is a necessary part of this process. Your WH is going to be upset with you when he finds out but do NOT get into a yelling match with him about it. If he gets angry simply state to him in the calmest and coolest manner possible "WH, I love you and I am taking the necessary steps to save our marriage". Don't say anything else beyond that. Just repeat that again and again if needed but stay calm and cool.

Also, it seems to me like you are making great progress! When you started posting your WH wouldn't even admit that he had an affair and now he is admitting to it and telling you it wasn't your fault. That's some serious progress already so try to keep your spirits up. You are doing well.

When do you next talk to Steve?

Mindshare

Thanks for the encouragement. Our call with Steve is tomorrow.

I haven't heard anything back from OWBF. I suspect tomorrow H will probably get a call or message from OW.

I found out tonight that he has visited her at her house. I'm not sure how many times because the question I asked pertained to where be was on a certain night. He still says that nothing physical happened because get this! They both respected marriage. Really?

Hearing that was painful because for two years he has lied about that night. I was pregnant at the time and really needed someone, it was two nights after our 2nd anniversary and I had asked him to take me to dinner. He said that he asked her if he could come over her house.

He said he would get a poly test to prove he didn't have sex with her. I can't believe this is my life. I'm very hurt by the fact that he lied for so long but hopeful that he will begin to uncover the whole truth.

I really want to slap OW in the face right now too. She's always got this smile on her face when she sees me all the while knowing what she's doing with my H.

Our discussion about going to her place was done over email so that I avoid an AO. Now WH seems down, is this normal? What should I do?

I did respond to his message saying thank you for being honest and telling him that the poly would help me feel more comfortable.

Right now I'm just trying to show him that I love him. I will cry tomorrow when I am in my car alone.

RW,

You are doing great!!! Be strong!! You are chipping away at it and getting the truth. He is trickle truthing you right now which is like a death by a thousand cuts. Try to explain to him that it would hurt so much less if he would just be honest and tell you everything now rather the letting bits and pieces out over a long period of time.

Call his bluff on the poly. Find one in your local area and set up an appointment for him. He's already agreed to do it so you would be crazy not to see it through to get to the truth.

Most importantly, hang in there. Come here when you need to. We are here to help you. Try to keep up the best Plan A that you can.

Mindshare

I called this morning to set up a poly and had to leave a VM. H wants us to go out of town for V-day, I'm wondering if I should schedule the testing for before or after our trip? Or does it matter?

WH has not written the NC letter or plan that Steve assigned to him. If he doesn't then I will have to move to plan B. I don't have any sound proof that H is still in contact with OW. I'm guessing that him not writing the NC letter or plan does say though that he hasn't given her up? I just confused myself with that last statement.

Steve also wants us to have a discussion about what happened before our next appoinment. H seemed upset after he talked with Steve so I'm not sure what that was about.

I'm still very hurt and confused. I'm not sure of who I can trust these days. I look at my son having fun and filled with laughter and it makes me cry. I cry because I want to be the same way, I want to feel that I have a safe place, that I have somewhere that I can find refuge. I'm tired of crying and feeling abandoned by the one person who I love so much. Words can never explain how deeply I am hurt by this.

Anyway just wanted to let you all know that I am still hangin' in there...barely but, nonetheless I am.

I know what you mean about wanting to feel like you can be happy again. It is awesome how resilient children are. Sometimes I get jealous that my children can still play and laugh but then I think that it just shows how well I am taking care of them. They feel safe and loved. That brings a smile to my face. Also, sometimes I find myself singing in the kitchen and dancing and I hold on to those moments.

Some days are better than others, but there is always tomorrow.

P.S I am sad to say I am secretly(not anymore I guess hahahaha) a little jealous of you too.

I haven't posted to you yet but just caught up on the last couple pages of your thread. Just wanted to add that both my H and my sister's H got really quiet and sad when they were faced with a poly too. I agree w/Mindshare, I would go ahead and get it set up.

I had told my H that I would forgive him and want to work on the M no matter what, but that I just needed to have the truth and I couldn't bear any more ddays. H is a major conflict avoider, so without that reassurance, I don't know if he would have ever told me everything.

I also just wanted to tell you hang in there and that things will get better

{{{{RedsWife}}}}}

Thanks for the encouragement Scotland. Jealous of what? I wish niether of us were in this situation. Although I know we will come out stronger and wiser in the end.

Thanks for the hugs SusieQ. My H is a conflict avoider as well. I scheduled the poly for this Friday. I'm finally no longer afraid to hear the truth. When he told me last night that he was actually at OW house on the night in question, I felt such a release. I knew I wasn't crazy for thinking that he wasn't truthful about the situation. He of course made me seem like I was a whacked out wife for ever thinking such a thing. Fog babble I guess...

Today is one of those days that I just feel like crying. I try not to let his quietness get to me. I'm focusing on being the best wife I can be for him and right now I only cry when I am alone; which means while in the bathroom since I have a 1 yr old who follows me every where. My son is my saving grace in a weird way.

I know it has been asked around here often but, I need help with a plan B letter. H is refusing the NC letter and plan and in my talk with Steve he said I wil have to move to plan B if H doesn't write them.

Forgot to add that I calmly spoke to H about both the plan and letter and he is protesting writing the letter, he wants to send an email. Doesn't want me to mail a handwritten letter. The plan he claims he just hasn't gotten around to doing.
Mind you we were snowed in all weekend long. We just left the house today since Friday.