I just had a bit of a run in, my WS though I had been messing with her laptop which i wasn't. She said "at this point we might as well just be 100% honest with each other, if you want to see my history and what all I do on my laptop then your more than welcome to it" then she said "I don't like all this sneaking around and snooping all the time, we need to just be open and honest at this point"
once i told her I wasn't messing with her laptop she said "well you can see how i would think you were messing with it" I said yes i can see that it did look as if I was.
I was in the bathroom where her laptop was and the kids were in living room playing, she came in and said "what are you doing"? i said "I'm rinsing out my mouth" after she got out of the shower she came and said "your toothbrush isn't in the bathroom you couldn't have been brushing your teeth". I said "I was rinsing my mouth out not brushing my teeth"
After all of this she had to carry her computer to the car which is way up on the hill and she couldn't carry it because it was way to heavy, so i helped her carry up to the car which she got stuck in the snow, then I had to come get the car unstuck and get it to where she could drive it out.
Am I doing to much for her? There was no way possible she could have carried the computer up there by herself nor could she have got the car out of the snow.

No, you are doing a very effective plan A. I would though instead of defending yourself try to reverse babble her.

I forget Jon, did you expose at her/OM's work?

yes everyone knows about it at her work place. Today when she left she said "does this outfit make me look whorish"? I said "no i think you look hot" she said "well i wasn't trying to look hot, i wanted to look professional." then she said "everyone at work thinks im a whore anyway" i said "well I can understand why they would" and she didn't respond. I don't know if that was a good thing to say or not...

I think the only reason she has been in such a good mood the passed few days is because of the possibility of her seeing him and even a chance of her talking to him at work today, or it could be she is finally SLOWLY defogging.
At this point I don't know what to think anymore.

Guys i think I had moved into plan doormat previously. i had been doing pretty much opposite of all the advice HTLD posted. I had been constantly asking her if theres anything I can do for her and everything was about HER.
I just had a wake up call right when I thought everything was going good, and from reading my previous post earlier you can see why I thought that.
Tonight she got news from her work that if she fails to meet her productivity this month she will be fired. So she came out to me upset saying "everything is crashing down on me to fast, I don't want to talk, I just want to do nothing, I want to sit back and do absolutely nothing" then she mentioned all the things going on and said "I'm at risk of losing my job, I still have to get attorney and get this divorce over with etc.." I got up and walked out of the room and didn't say anything, she asked "where did you go, what are you doing"? I didn't answer then she went back into her work room.
I truly had been so naive in thinking we were passed the divorce stage and was moving forward on the right track. someone SLAP ME HARD! I am going to try the 180 plan A to the fullest and make everything about ME. I need your help because i am easily persuaded back to being her doormat.

It's very clear that she has not put her priority in R her M with you. This is very sad to say but another well known author by the name of David Carder has written a book about infidelity and unequivocally states that without "godly sorrow" on the part of the unfaithful spouse, there is little chance of recorey.

The book is entitled "Torn Assunder" and has a lot of invaluable information.

Her priority now should be saving the M, not her job or her status with fellow employess. They all know and have formed their own opinion about her already.

All Blessings,
Jerry










All Blessings,
Jerry

180 is not Plan-A

180 is a plan that comes from a different site I believe. I think it is Divorce Busters.

my wife is so far from God right now I don't know if she will ever get back. She is supposed to start a women's bible study with her friends this Wed and I hope and pray that she really starts getting into it. I am going to do the 180, not plan A. i have been on plan A for around a month now and obviousy it's not working.

actually let me restate that, I have pretty much been plan doormat for awhile, plan A is about ME everything I have been doing was about HER. I need to move on with my life, I am literally being mentally tortured on a daily basis, it's exhausting, frustrating and downright evil on her part. She mentions D like it's no big deal at all, and finding an attorney is one of her biggest concerns right now....give me a break!

Jon ,
The bible study might be good for her, because my guess is she is looking for biblical grounds to divorce you. Guess what? She is not going to find it and will quickly quit that group as soon as she realizes it.

She still has to meet Jesus!! "Godly Sorrow' is what will bring her home again.

All blessings,
Jerry

I did Plan-A for several months, about 5 I think. A good Plan-A makes Plan-B very potent.

180 would not have worked on my wife, it does on some, but not as man as Plan-A.

Plan-A is also not Plan-Door mat, it is firm love. Showing the WS what the M could be.

180 is Plan-I don't care what you do.

shinethrough she is fairly knowledged in the bible and knows she has no grounds for divorce. she knows I DO have grounds for D bust she is to far gone to care what God thinks or what the bible says.

Strangely, she has not filed Yet.

Then why all the pretense except to sheepishly pretend that that she did everything she could to save the M?

talk to your pastor or priest and ask them to intervene.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I think that I did a 180 Plan by instinct before I found MB. It had a slight effect on my WH but the effect it had on me was the part I didn't like. When I did Plan A, it was my giver working over time but I felt REALLY good. I started wearing my hair different, and dressing differently. People started to compliment me all of the time at how good I looked. I was even wearing makeup. I changed my perfume back to the brand my WH likes.

I got some really BAD feedback from my WH. It hurt me to the core. I had to go out for drives and scream at the world. I drove in my car with the music blaring and me screaming to the point where I would lose my voice. I would come on here and vent to people and they would explain what my WH's reactions were.

When my WH was uncomfortable and sleeping so far away from me that he could have fallen off the bed, that meant that he was uncomfortable and for me that was a positive. When he was comfortable, it meant I was going along with what he wanted and that was bad for R. It was frustrating.

I slipped. There were even times when I wanted to give up. Then I would talk about it on here and people would tell me I was a "Rock Star" and how well I was doing. I didn't believe them. I felt like it was having no effect. But then I realized that it must have been. He started doing things for me. That was strange.

It wasn't enough though and I knew there was an end in sight. Will I R? Yes. Will I R my M? That remains to be seen. The best thing about following my Plan is that I know that in the end, I will have done everything I could have to save my M. There will be no guilt and no What ifs.

On a side note about Plan A, sometimes I wonder if I did it long enough before I went Plan B. All I have to do is re read my thread and remember what it felt like then. I am a better person for having done it with a plan and I will be okay either way.

The best advice I can give you is to react out of intellect and not purely on emotions.

Don't give up.

I don't plan on being mean. I still plan on keeping up with ALL the housework, and having a great time with my kids. I will be polite when she talks to me but I will not engage in conversation.
I did look weak and pathetic before and I think I was doing plan Door-mat and doing everything for HER and nothing was for ME. I am going to start getting out and hanging out with my friends, I am not going to make myself available 24/7 like I was before. plan 180 isn't that far off from plan A it's more of a change of attitude.
After doing a solid plan A for a month with NO response other than her being upset because she doesn't have a divorce attorney and when she says this to me expecting me to be all happy and still do everything for her.
My wife threw herself out there and trusted the OM and now he doesn't want anything to do with her, she is at very high risk of losing her job, she has ALOT going on right now and the one thing she mentions to me that she is worried about is not having a divorce attorney.

Also, my WS sleeps on the couch and won't even DARE come sleep in the bed with me, not because I won't let her or don't want her to she said "It would be way to ackward to sleep in the same bed now" etc.... I did think things were going great for awhile but then she mentioned D like it was nothing and that she is worried because she don't even have an attorney. She acts nice and happy like nothing is going on when she is around me, but she is depressed and is going through alot mentally right now. Thats the one reason I am still sticking around because I took a vow through sickness and in health and right now I believe she is just sick.
Also if and/or when it comes to plan B thats going to be complicated for the no contact, but thats another story completely.

Jonpen,

I doubt she is going to divorce you right now. She's just hitting rock bottom. You need to do stuff for you, but you can also be there to help her back up when she reaches bottom. You are starting to do plan A better. The walking away when she brought up the attorney was perfect. If you keep that up and avoid getting baited into arguments like that, eventually she'll stop bringing it up. She doesn't want to take the financial hit of divorce right now, especially with her job at risk. You will have an opportunity to start meeting more of her needs. If you avoid lovebusters (by lovingly detaching and doing the 180 thing), she will feel more comfortable with you and want you to meet more. Pretty soon, if you can keep this up she'll possibly start wanting to work on the marriage again.

I know you don't realize it, but you are in a much better situation than about 90% of the other posters on this board. Your OM ended it immediately with your WW, and there is no active affair. Sure, your WW isn't through withdrawal, but she'll get there. If your WW has no active affair, there is no impetus to leave. 90+% of women will not leave their marriage if there is no other man around to at least meet some of their needs. If you keep an eye on her, and no OM#2 comes around, you have a chance to start chipping away at the wall. Keep up the good work.