How would it be complicated for the no contact? You get yourself ready and get IMs in place. You write out a visitation and financial addendum to your plan B letter and give it to her. It is easily accomplished, even in your sitch.

Jon- I honestly think that what has happened is that you are letting your TAKER come through. There is a fine line between Plan A and Plan Doormat. Your taker will be screaming in your ear, "WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?" It is something that you have to deal with yourself.

Plan A is about yourself but none of your needs are getting met and WW is making a lot of withdrawals in your LB account right now. That is why Plan A is a temporary state. You are supposed to change to Plan B before you lose to much love for your WW in the event that you can R your M in the future.

Have you read other people's threads who have completed a successful Plan A? or R?

If you don't want to follow MB concepts in an attempt to R your M, no one here will argue with that choice. If you want help on getting D, there are many people who can help you achieve that. It's your decision to make and you have to live with the consequences. Best of luck to you.

If one of her top EM's is conversation, this won't help meet that need.

But you should not talk D, just walk away when she brings it up.

Well don't do that.

Thats why Plan-A has a time limit.


You have posted better responses from your WW than I have seen from several after many Months of Plan-A

Jon, your just not getting it are you?

Stop listening to her and look at the facts!

She has the money to hire a lawyer and get a divorce.
She has an Aunt that is pushing her to get a divorce.
She has time to go interview and hire an attorney and file for divorce.

Then why hasn't she?

Seriously, I want you to post an answer to that here. I want to know why you think she has not filed yet when she can at any moment.

Typical Wayward crap.

I agree 100%

Your chances of recovery is high.

Yup, and I don't think anyone can blame him. But if he wants R then he needs to either rein his taker in, or go to Plan-B.

She's not going to file, she's not going to file, she's not going to file.

Your recent setback was because you moved back in. That was just a temporary setback because you now have the opportunity to meet her needs and keep OM#2 from coming into the picture and meeting her needs. OM was her escape, he's now out of the picture, and now she's stuck. Show her through your plan A that being "stuck" with you isn't so bad.

I'll go even further. If you can keep up a good plan A, she'll be sleeping in the same bed with you by the ned of the month. You've just got to suck it up for a little longer until she gets through withdrawal and you start building up some love units. Think of fun things to do that could deposit some love units that aren't heavy, relationship things.

HMMMMMM I had an interesting thought, but I don't know that it goes along with MB. Is there any way that you can make sleeping on the couch uncomfortable for her, in a way she wouldn't know it was done on purpose? Maybe you could place a toy under a cushion, or close a vent in the LR to make it colder at nighttime? Nothing too intrusive but maybe make it more "comfortable" to sleep in the same bed as you.

JP-I think you need to listen to these vets, they told you before what her reactions would be and that she wouldn't file and you didn't believe them then. They were RIGHT. They may not be right forever but they know of what they speak. You are doing GREAT and you are getting responses from her. Don't let her foggy babble D talk ruin what you have been doing so far.

Honestly, how much better off are you than 1 month ago? You sleep in your own bed every night, your children are with you and your wife is in the same house. You'll get there. It is a long hard journey but anything in life worth getting is worth fighting for. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

This is fine if her top EN is domestic support and conversation is #10 on her list. For most women, though, conversation is in the top 3 and usually #1.

I think this is a gross strategic error.
What are her top 3 ENs?
How are you meeting them?

IMO another strategic error. You are supposed to spend your fun time with your wife, not outside the marriage. Do fun things but invite her to join you!

Do not concern yourself with what she's saying. She is insane right now. You get your Plan A lined up and stick to it. MANY a WS has said later that they saw the changes, became angry because they didn't know how to deal with the conflict the changes created, and in the end that is one of the main things that drew them back home.

Write down your Plan A.
Stick to it.
Don't concern yourself with her words. Plan A is about *acting* and you are *reacting*.

Read this Jon
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...t&Number=2296184&nt=2&page=1

Your WW is in crisis now. She's starting to realize that her poor choices have far-reaching repercussions.

Can you convince her to tackle one problem at a time? As in: "Honey, you've got a lot on your plate. Let me help you tackle these things. Let's hold off on any talks about D and concentrate on saving your job. It could be that you're trying to do too many life-altering things all at once. That's too much for anyone." Then brain-storm a plan with her to salvage her job.

That will buy time from her divorce mind-set, possibly save her job, and you'll look like a hero for helping her get her priorities straight. You'll be working on Priority #1 - saving your M. She'll think you're working on her job.

Just a thought.

ble. It is hard to see Plan A as more than doing really nice things for someone who is undeserving and who gives nothing back. I think that Plan A helps you to rediscover yourself and the good that lies within you and as a side effect, your WS may also see the person that they fell in love with. Thinking of yourself as Ark describes it may help you to go that extra mile.

I hope some others find comfort from the storm...


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK

God's Blessings,

Say

Jon,

Some of my previous post got cut off by my own deplorable lack of computer skills. The previous post was posted by PepperBand to another poster. I thought it might help you to get through the hard days of Plan A.

God's Blessings,

Say

Jon, you are getting GREAT results from your plan A. Plan A is not plan doormat...plan A is making YOU the best H you can be and meeting her top 5 EN's without expecting anything in return. That includes making home a welcome, safe haven and taking care of your children. It does not mean engaging in R talk or D talk or letting your WW walk all over you.

Jon, you are letting your taker out of its pen too soon! Get your ducks in a row for a pitch black plan B while doing a STELLAR plan A. I have more hope for your M than many this early.

I'm glad you all can see things from the outide where I am only able to see them from the inside. Your right in the way I feel, like I am supposed to do all these nice things to this undeserving person. Her aunt said she will not assist in the D until she finds out if my WS gets to keep her job, so that buys another month.
It's almost impossible to meet her top EN's when she is so openly hurtful. And JMWC I'll take you up on that she will be sleeping in the same bed by then end of the month

Jon, you CAN meet her EN's while she is openly hurtful but you need to put the armour of MB on first. Get yourself pumped up for plan A and tell yourself over and over this is not about "you", this is not about "your" failings or shortcomings, this is WW needing a life preserver while she flails around in the deep, dark waters of her sin. Be her life preserver, Jon. Be the beacon of light that draws her out of the darkness. You CAN do this!!!

Well why not?

And did you hear this directly from the Aunt?

Is this Aunt currently married?
How many divorces has she had?

Probably because whether WW is employed or not will have a huge impact on child support, alimony, and division of assets. Just a guess.

I used the "armor of God" as I had not yet found MB. It works every bit as good. :-D

God's Blessings,

Say

Me too, saynomore..I am just not certain where jonpen with his faith. Since I believe Dr. H's plan was God given it is a good analogy as well.

I am a christian, and I have became alot closer to God since this happened, I read and study my bible around 1-2 hours daily. And yes Gack I heard it straight from her aunt that she would not assist with the D until after she finds out about my Ws job. Also she told me she doesn't want the D and is praying God will help my WS come back to being herself. Aunt was married 1 time for a long time and her husband passed away from cancer.

Show the aunt you are fighting for you WW and your marriage and you will have an ally.

Good, Jon, then write down Ephesians 6:10-18 on a note card, carry it with you and read it often. It was my mantra for many months during our R.

God's Blessings,

Say