That's fine and dandy, but I would counter with, "then why did she not bring this up before the affair. Why didn't she just leave then. She's using my actions to justify her affair." Yeah, your marriage was struggling because of your past actions, but that is not why she wants a divorce. She wants a divorce to save face.

You don't have to justify anything to them. Just be the best possible husband you can. If there is no OM, there will be no affair. If you don't treat her bad, she has no reason to leave or look for OM. Just keep it up. These things don't turn around overnight. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

I assume by now that you have enough information to prove what you are saying. I mean about the affair, witchcraft and th dirty deeds youe WW and OM have pulled so far.

With that assumition in mind Jon. I ask you guys here who have been counseling Jon so far, With all that info does he really need to hide his source?

I mean, if he prints,emails,or shows/mails the incrimidating evedence to the Aunt, employers,church, wouldn't that clear up a lot for Jon?

One of the things about nueclear exposure jon is that when you have the facts in front of you and you make it clear the ONLY reason you exposed is because you want to get your mariage back, most people totally get it.

I will let the others counsel about this because I still have'nt read thru the whole thread and maybe its allready been discussed.


Still , it seems that some of you and your wifes aquaintences are not clear on the details. It will be in your best interests no matter what to set them straight and printouts showing affiar activitys speak louder than you panicing and desparatly explaining things on the phone with Auntie or whomever.


Yes Gack , I love Gump too. another favorite line.


"I'm not a smart man Jenny, but I know what Love is."

OH Jon BTW, Nobody,Male or Female, weak or strong, leaves a relationship without a backup plan for having another.
Even if there is not an active affair happening now, in her head she is hoping to find love again someday.

Its up to you to give her love right now while not getting walked on and disrespected.
I know what yur thinking.. its a fine line.. we will be here to help.

Talk to Doc H if you can

JP- it is perfectly fine to vent ot us and tell us how mad she made you and how crazy her WW fog babble was. What I was getting upset by was that you seemed to be coming on here and saying you were giving up. There are many of us who have been taking time out of our lives to help you. We believe in MB and DrH. We really think that there is a chance for you to R your M. No Guarantees, but are there any in life anyways.

Don't get me wrong, if you come to a point that you really want to give up, then we will support you in that. I really believe that you tend to react out of emotions instead of intellect. That's why you have to take a deep breath, calm down and remember YOU HAVE A PLAN

Now, I know this has been mentioned many many times but what are her top 3 EN's? Give us your proof as to why you think those are them. If one of her top 3 ENs is NOT DS then all of your cleaning and cooking will not deposit anything into her LB.

Please list the her top 3 EN with proof.

Don't leave your home, period.

It seems to me in a way you want to just make a decision- and that you're leaning towards D because you think it will stop the pain. It won't- maybe a little but you're still going to have to coparent with her if you have children. And you'll still have to get over her.

I'm not clear about whether or not you guys have kids- but don't you want to be able to tell your kids that you did everything you could to work out the marriage.

When she brings up divorce- you say "I talk marriage- I do not talk divorce"

And don't leave your home!

Scotland, her top 3 EN's are in order as follows, Affection, Conversation and Domestic support. We converse now more than we did when we were happily married, we just talk, about movies, the kids, her work (only when she brings work up.) and I look her in the eye and listen when she talks now.

I would USED to "give her advice" instead of listen and tell her she was doing things wrong, and I critisized her, I told her that I hated her glasses when she got them and I told her she is prettier without them etc... I even broke the golden rule of women and mentioned her weight a few times. now I tell her she looks "hot" when appropriate or if she gets something new I will mention how nice it is.
I don't over do the compliments and I only compliment her when I am sincere. As for the domestic support thats a given. Sometimes I do feel like giving up, but it doesn't mean I will.

As for proof of why those are the top 3 EN's #1 reason the OM gave her conversation and affection when I wasn't, he told her she was beautiful ALOT and they would talk for HOURS online. they only met up 2 times and had sex only once so I know it's not recreation or sexual. I can do the conversation ok and the domestic support but affection os SO HARD right now and it's her #1 EN.
I am VERY strong willed and when I set out to do something, I do it. I will keep giving it my best as usual.

Also when I exposed I did not leave out ANY details, they know about the witchcraft and even that he curses and smokes etc... Her mom used to work with the guy and she would always hear him talking about cheating and hurting women etc.... So her mom HATES HIM.
Her aunt is a christian woman also and she told my WS he will never be welcome on her property (which is where our house sits)
I have tried telling her family there would be no D if not for OM but they fall into her trap and believe her lies, I will keep telling them and they don't want us to D I hung out with her family more than she did and they LOVE me.
I was always the center of any party or get together we had and i always had everyone laughing etc... I am very outgoing.

Okay, here is what you do.

1) Keep cleaning and helping out around the house. Keep it up. Don't stop. She may not say anything, but she will recognize it.

2) Talk to your wife. Ignore the WW who talks about divorce. Talk to your wife when she is in a talking mood. Talk about current headlines, celebrity gossip, whatever she is interested in and will engage her.

3) Work up to affection as she lets you. Start slow like touching her arm when you are walking by. Get a feel of what you can and cannot do and back off when she starts having a problem.

Jonpen,

""They are not talking anymore she just gets on there and looks at his pictures, I know it will delay the withdrawl but it's better than them talking.""

Ok, brother, I just had a crazy thought...How about being pro-active and stirring up the pot a little. Contact his wife concerning the facebook pages and ask her to block your wife from his and his wife's facebook pages.

Tell her how she keeps mooning over him on the FB.

If you can do that on facebook pages. I am not familiar with what can and can't be done. But that would put a stop to her pouting from afar, gazing at the pages.

It would help speed up withdrawal and, realizing her true soulmate just blocked her from even viewing him might give her the big hint she needs.

imho

kirk

Krusht, The OM and his wife beat me to it!! they deleted all thier pictures off facebook today! Things keep getting better. My wife keeps trying to talk to me and is being overly nice now. I was wrong about affection it's Admiration and it's probably her #1 EN, i missed it somehow, but my mom found it and when I read it i know it's her #1! any tips on the best ways to meet this EN?

Exactly why I asked you to show proof. I had this funny feeling that you were missing the boat on something. I am glad Mom could help out. As far as how to meet this need, I will let the vets handle that. I am not on my "A" game today.

We just set up talking about doll clothes for our daughter and she was excited about showing me all the different types of clothes and accesories you can get for the dolls, we talked for like 30 mins then she mentioned she got a movie and said "it's a chick flick you won't like it" I said "I do like chick flicks" she said "well I don't know if this one is good but it's got Jude Law in it and he is SO HOT" not sure if she was trying to make me jealous or what...? I said "well I won't lie i've watched movies just because it had hot women in it too so I don't blame you"
I did tell her i appreciated her picking out the clothes for our daughter etc... and I was excited about the cool stuff you can get for the little dolls, you can actually send them off to the "hospital" if it's head comes off or something messes up with it...wiered.
Why is she being so overly nice today when just last night she was the most hateful and evil woman i have ever seen.

Vets I need some tips on how to REALLY meet her EN of admiration because it's certainly her #1.

Oh I also forgot to mention she got this lotion stuff for us because I have dry skin, she said "it's not a gift but I just thought since we both have dry skin this would help, and I picked a non girly smelling one so you can use it to" I don't know why she HAD to point out it's not a gift.
I said "I know it's not a gift I wouldn't expect you to get me a gift" but I did thank her for it and told her I appreciated it.

You have an "in" to put it on her now

She may turn you down, but at least you put it out there.

As far as what to do with admiration, you should try to talk her up to someone else while she is within earshot. Like you said though, don't overdo it or it will come off as fake. Make it also be things you would actually do or say because you are showing her what you intend to do in the future. Maybe even send her a text or an email telling her how HOTT she is. Keep up the GREAT work and don't let her foggy babble D talk EVER get to you and make you give up.

Jonpen, the root of the word "admiration" is "admire." This means that your W wants to be admired. If she's brainy, admire her intelligence. If she's attractive, admire her looks. If she's deft, admire her nimbleness...

Some examples: You picked out doll clothes for your daughter. Say to her, "I really think you have a good eye for color coordination, the way you matched up those clothes." She bought lotion for both of you, tell her, "That was very thoughtful of you to think of getting something for our dry skin." Admiration is a close cousin of flattery, except it doesn't have the baggage or payback associated with flattery.

Some other examples, NOT using your experiences today: "That was really cool the way you arranged those flowers in the centerpiece. I would never have thought of doing that." "You did a great job sorting and filing the bills. It makes them a lot easier to find." "You make the absolute best chocolate-chip cookies! The Girl Scouts should be nervous with you around!"

Do you get the idea? It's not flattery. It's commenting on her strengths, the things she's good at, the things she's proud of!

Appreciation for maybe things you never complimented her on before will be hard to pull off and not seem fake but look around and I am sure you will see stuff you are thankful for.

I told you that you aren't getting divorced. Just believe it and continue plan A. You don't know how lucky you are.

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again... (I watched Silence of the Lambs last night)

Why is she being overly nice? also she cleaned our son's room and I told her I appreciated her doing that and that it looked really nice. she said "no problem" and that was it
Personally, I think she is being nice to try to get me to go along with the D.

Don't try to figure out why she's being so nice right now. I suspect her emotions are all over the place because she's still in withdrawal. But DO take advantage of her weakened state by meeting her EN's.

As far as admiration goes: I personally don't need a lot of high fives for simple things that I do, like washing dishes, clothes, arranging flowers, etc, although that's nice to hear. What I DO really like is hearing H making admiring comments about me to others. Try that in addition to what you're doing now.