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She has an R.O, but it's an in home one.If she violates it in any way, she goes back and it's a felony. I didn't have the heart to send her out for 90 days. As you can imagine, it was incredibly tramatic and of course my doing. If I didn't tell people about all this and if I didn't ask for affidavids, this would not have happened. And if I didn't have a recorder, I'd be in jail. She has been angry, surley, nice and all kinds of stuff since coming home. Mostly sarcastic and stuff. This morning I talked with her calmly and said maybe it's time to stop all this crazy. I said I think it's time to file. I have two months then to find work and we can move ahead. No, she doesn't want to. Okay, what do we do then. I don't know, but lets just try and get along and see what happens for a while. The jackpot in this is when they left, I had her phone and computer. Well, she has not lied about OM. She has texted and he her, but it's very short and things like hope all's well. Bye. She told me that's what it was and she said she still want to talk with him. Right now, that's not the major problem, just getting through this mess is. Now the very STRANGEST thing of all was last night. She was being sarcastice and all and so I went to bed. She comes in and asks if she can sleep with me. I said just put some pillows between us (kidding) Very strange. Even tried something, but even in my present state, I had to laugh that one off (I know TMI). Not sure what that was about. Anyway, the kids seem okay from it. I know they are not, but kids are resiliant and can put stuff away easier than adults. I had to go to the neighbors and appologize because my kids play with theres and I didn't want that affected. So we move ahead. Not sure what sybil will do next. Really not sure why she dosen't want a divorce other than I'm her crutch. Well, I really think that within the next couple weeks it will be time to file. I am not real bothered by the prospect anymore and I really want some stability in my life. She has two months then to come on board, or move along.
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She has an R.O, but it's an in home one.If she violates it in any way, she goes back and it's a felony. I didn't have the heart to send her out for 90 days. As you can imagine, it was incredibly tramatic and of course my doing. If I didn't tell people about all this and if I didn't ask for affidavids, this would not have happened. And if I didn't have a recorder, I'd be in jail. She has been angry, surley, nice and all kinds of stuff since coming home. Mostly sarcastic and stuff. This morning I talked with her calmly and said maybe it's time to stop all this crazy. I said I think it's time to file. I have two months then to find work and we can move ahead. No, she doesn't want to. Okay, what do we do then. I don't know, but lets just try and get along and see what happens for a while. The jackpot in this is when they left, I had her phone and computer. Well, she has not lied about OM. She has texted and he her, but it's very short and things like hope all's well. Bye. She told me that's what it was and she said she still want to talk with him. Right now, that's not the major problem, just getting through this mess is. Now the very STRANGEST thing of all was last night. She was being sarcastice and all and so I went to bed. She comes in and asks if she can sleep with me. I said just put some pillows between us (kidding) Very strange. Even tried something, but even in my present state, I had to laugh that one off (I know TMI). Not sure what that was about. Anyway, the kids seem okay from it. I know they are not, but kids are resiliant and can put stuff away easier than adults. I had to go to the neighbors and appologize because my kids play with theres and I didn't want that affected. So we move ahead. Not sure what sybil will do next. Really not sure why she dosen't want a divorce other than I'm her crutch. Well, I really think that within the next couple weeks it will be time to file. I am not real bothered by the prospect anymore and I really want some stability in my life. She has two months then to come on board, or move along. My comment is: Do not announce any deadlines, unless you are 100% certain you will follow-through.
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Keep that recorder with you at all times. Do not have sex with her. In states where adultery matters, resuming sex vitiates the fault.
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Hope you're still carrying the recorder so it's ready to go at any moment. I also hope she doesn't know you recorded the previous dispute. Glad you're OK, but you know you've got a tough row to hoe here in the days ahead. Hang in there.
tl
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Pat,
I would INVEST in recorders if I were you. Put them all over the house, in her car, your car, everywhere. As well hidden as you can. She probably knows you recorded her so will ambush you the next time. Perhaps coming out of the shower, or after you are working in the yard and probably not have your recorder on you, in the garage.
She is having huge issues now, and as you seem to understand that are all about her not you. She cannot face what she has done, and what she seems to WANT to do (that would be OM not you), nor does she want any serious consequences like losing her children or limited access to them.
Document, document, save tapes, write notes and save them all some place where she cannot access them. Get a new safety deposit box, but document all of this. Don't forget to get the names of the officers that came to your home.
She may hit bottom and then turn around, but really if her issues are deep, she may never do that and you/children need protection.
God Bless,
JL
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Glad you're okay.
You need to increase your operational security. How did she get into your email? Did she guess the password or did you leave it open? You really need to have hard copies of all your documentation and affidavits stored securely offsite - a safe deposit box that only you have access to, or your lawyer's office. Now that she knows about the affidavits she may go looking for them and try to destroy them.
Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
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Pat, ""I am not real bothered by the prospect anymore and I really want some stability in my life."" Stability..AMEN brother. But just think, you are the most stabilest (?) thing in her life right now. Maybe jail was the rock bottom. Maybe she did some hard thinking in there. And of course there is... ""If I didn't tell people about all this and if I didn't ask for affidavids, this would not have happened.""  I am pretty sure that coming back with the following would not be a love buster... ""If you did not commit adultry this would not have happened"" (ya wacko  under your breath, out of earshot.) Stay strong, kirk
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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Hi Patriot, I�m not a psychiatrist, but here is my 2 cents worth as a FWW in a recovered marriage:
�Well, she has not lied about OM. She has texted and he her, but it's very short and things like hope all's well. Bye. She told me that's what it was and she said she still want to talk with him.�
Texting is contact and keeps the affair alive.
�Right now, that's not the major problem,�
Yes, it is, or at least one of the major problems. Communicating with him in any way keeps her emotionally involved, addicted to the way the A makes her feel, and consequently also makes her emotionally unstable, insecure, and confused.
�Even tried something�
She might be trying to reconnect (as well as cake eat). If you want to recover your marriage, sex can be very healing, BUT she needs to be tested for STDs first.
�it was incredibly tramatic and of course my doing. If I didn't tell people about all this and if I didn't ask for affidavids, this would not have happened.�
This is not your fault. Having an A is what has gotten her into this emotional mess.
�kids are resiliant and can put stuff away easier than adults.�
I�m a mother, grandmother, and teacher, and I disagree with that statement.
Have you thought about calling the Harleys for phone counseling, or at least encouraging your W to get help somewhere (counseling with a therapist or trusted religious leader)?
I�m praying for you,
Rose
FWS-me
BS-H
Dday-8/2002
Recovering, still!
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Well, I told a couple more of her friends and she blew up. I had to leave for the night so the kids would not be involved. I have to wonder when exposure is over exposure. I think it has reached that point. Everytime things seem better, the exposure seems to backfire. I told two of her friends, but one of them is a peer. Now she is concerned for her job because her friend wont call her back. I am not sure telling her was such a good idea. Of course she would not have nown, but her sister told her I did..Errrrrrrrr. That sent it to a whole new level. He father told her today that he supported me and the kids and if that meant losing a daughter, so be it. She told me tonight that it funny, I have alinated everyone in her life, so now all she has is the OM. Everyday is new drama.
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You left your home?
BAD IDEA.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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GO HOME!
SHE had an affair. You have done nothing wrong. Sleep in your own bed tonight.
GO HOME!
SHE has an RO against her. If she goes nuts again you can have her taken away. You are in the drivers seat.
GO HOME!
Your kids need a responsible, rational adult...and she isn't.
Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
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Well, I told a couple more of her friends and she blew up.
Yes, as you remove the places and people she can go where she can spin a story and rewrite history about her affair she will get very angry. It hurts but so doesn't it hurt after a rotten tooth is pulled.
I had to leave for the night so the kids would not be involved.
I hope she can't run with them to some other place, she is not in a healthy place Pat. I know she probably loves them but it will effect them if they see you leave and then leave also
I have to wonder when exposure is over exposure. I think it has reached that point. Everytime things seem better, the exposure seems to backfire.
Accually its good news that this bothers her so much, Ask yourself this.. Did you marry her because you wanted everyone else to think you were right about every desicion you made and wanted them to trust and respect you, or did you want your wife to trust and respect you? Right now.. She thinks you guys are over IN HER MIND, not nessesarily in her emotions yet, she doesn't know what to feel, so she will try to run away and if she leaves and nobody knows what really is going on, she will spin a story out of embarrassment and need for acceptance. The sooner her peers know the truth the better for her also. Because if they see that you are fighting for your marriage and are a rational, honest, sensitive, loving Husband who is out to do whatever it takes to restore love and respect to both of you they will see thru whatever your WW is spinning.
People who love each other are not afraid to fight to protect them and anyone worth their salt knows this. They also know that people make mistakes and are afraid to admit them. But the truth will set you free. If exposure and embarrassment is more painful than losing you then she has some very seriuos issues to solve in her life. If she leaves for that reason ask this... Would you be doing her any favors by giving her a place to hide and stay sick? Even if she never came back you would be loving her more by exposure.
I told two of her friends, but one of them is a peer. Now she is concerned for her job because her friend wont call her back.
Any friend with two brain cells to rub together would give your WW time to process what she wanted to say before she talked to them. As well, The peer should also be allowed that time don't you think? Your WW is looking for imediate gratification and absolvance for her mistakes and again she wants to spin the story to all her friends. The peers are the best to expose to because they are the most important support for them. If you didn't expose to them they have even less of a chance to get thier head screwwed on straight. So you again are doing her a favor.
As far as the job goes, as long as she is doing her job,(assuming her job isn't as a counselor), I think that it would be a poor job where outside issues would cause her to lose it. Many employers offer help for ppl in this sitch and can have charges brought against them through the labor board if they fire someone because of something like that. As long asyour wife does her job, she should be able to keep it, or its not a real job.
I am not sure telling her was such a good idea. Of course she would not have nown, but her sister told her I did..Errrrrrrrr.
Sister tells on you? Hmmm doesn't sound good.
That sent it to a whole new level. He father told her today that he supported me and the kids and if that meant losing a daughter, so be it.
If he is being honest and you can trust him than he might be your best ally in healing your marriage but let me ask you something if I may. What does WW Mother say? Also, what kind of relationship does WW Mom and Dad have? Does MIL treat FIL like a mushroom? Feeding him Sh_t and keeping him in the dark? I have seen many Husbands with strict standards be gaslighted by their wife as they let the kids get away with all kinds of BS. It teaches the children dishonesty and that it doesn't matter what you do wrong only matters if you get caught. Many childish brats come out of that and they love to pit Mom against Dad, brother against sister, husband against wife.. you get my drift.. its manipulating and its allways in the guise of "They just don't understand!!".. "OH yes.. you are so kind Mommy,(or daddy) you love me so much!!"
I am not suggesting you try and fix the Father In Laws marriage just be aware of the learned behavior if its there
She told me tonight that it funny, I have alinated everyone in her life, so now all she has is the OM. Everyday is new drama.
Well this is like telling a drug addict that they can't get any more money for crack from thier freinds because you told them all about the dangerous habit they have, ...and then for the addict to say now the only place thay can get support for the habit is the street so they will be moving there. Any addict that ends up there soon learns what their addict freinds liked about them fast was the money. Substitute the word "money" for "social acceptance" and the word "crack" for "dopamine high from emotional escapism" and you can see why we all call people with active affairs addicts. Without trying to give a chemistry lesson you must know that the feeling of being in love is part of a chemical process in our brains. The honeymoon period in any relationship will wear off but that does not mean that romantic love dies. The honeymoon period is when everything is just perfect and you can't see how anything could ever go wrong that would make the euphoria go away. ppl will go to great lengths to protect this relationship at the honeymoon stage because of feelings alone, even if its just hormones and sex. They just want to feel good. Its chemical and its temporary at first. AS you might have read or heard this site is dedicated to bringing back much of the romance that gets lost in marriges. Many ppl have recovered to find that they love each other more than ever before. But it takes two humble and willing ppl who want to work at it and are able to change. Marriage and recovery isn't for wimps. Go back home and be there for yourself and the children and just in case your wife gets a clue that you love her she won't have a wild thought of you cheating on her. Follow all the advice aboveabout protecting yourself because I think your wife has a lot of work to do on herself before she can be trusted. Especially if she gets violent, that signals right there that she has emotional issues that might, might mind you, have a long history. None of us are perfect but what do you want to tell the children someday. That Mommy just had to many problems and I decided it wasn't worth the effort to try and help her get better? Thats just like telling the kids never get sick or go to war and come back with issues or I might have to give up on you too. Wheres the love in that. God bless ya Pat I know you love your wife and kids and I for one am rooting for you. You sitch strikes a few chords with me
Last edited by SortedSomeOut; 02/05/10 06:48 AM.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Her mom and dad have a relationship of mutual need. Not a lot of affection, but they have been together so long they wouldn't suvive without each other. No, dad is the boss in that house. All decissions are his and his alone. She is really concerned that he wont talk with her ever again. Right now like I said the really big concern is her friend at work. Her friend is a very by the book Christian women. We had to lie to her job about her being in jail and I hope she will not repeat that. If she does it could be the end of her career. Then it's a whole new game. As for her sister. That [censored] was playing me bad. She did tell my wife all the positive things I said, but she also told her some of the things I said in confidence. She played us both and I will never forgive that. If she keeps her job right now that is the most important part. No job, no house and a move would have to happen. Don't need all that right now.
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How long have you known your WW? Has she been violent before?
My H and I got in a huge fight (It was HIM in the EA, not I) and we both said/did wrong things. He called the police, he says he thought they would make me "just leave" for the night if HE called. WS are so entitled.
Yeah, I wear that scarlett letter. It is more like a scabby brand.
When the po got there, I refused to say one word- for or against. I don't know what he said. Well,- I got arrested, they were very angry with me for not talkin'. We live in a "zero tolerance" community apparently. In 23 YEARS of friendship and marriage- no issues with "abuse". But I lose it. goodby. pht.
Luckily for me, everyone who matters who knows me/us looked with disdain on HIM. But it still left me humiliation, anxiety attacks, PTSD and I still (4 years later) have not compleatly forgiven him. I have the scars, baby. It took 3 years to sleep through the night. Still don't without Tyenol PM. Writing this I still tear up.
Sorry for the TJ, but I hope my expereince will give in sight on how she may be feeling, or may feel in a few years.
I hope your W "bounces back" better than I. It sounds like she really deserved what she got, but you really, really need to seperate your children from this. WHY on gods green earth did you allow them to see their mother get handcuffed? Really? Did not the police seperate them? Very stupid on their part.
I mean my situation was different, but my kids have huge issues with their DAD over this, and they were not even home the night it happened.
I hope you are OK
I hope your kids are OK
Last edited by barbiecat; 02/05/10 08:48 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Whatever you choose to do...
you need to do it from a standpoint of compassion and concern for the well being of you, your children and even your wife.
1. You ARE still her husband
2. IF you ever do get into a custody dispute her attorney will scrutinize your behavior and attempt to portray it as though you were the angry vindictive instigator of this whole mess.
3. There are many wonderful people on these boards that were former fog out waywards. IF your wife ever pulls her head out of her netherregions she will remember how kind and compassionate you were during the lowest moment(s) of her life and appreciate all you done to protect her and her family.
I'm not saying be soft on her...FIRM, follow through with a restraining order and state your boundaries just be calm and compassionate while doing so.
[you also don't want the mother of your children to harm herself no matter what the outcome]
Mr. Wondering What he said. Mr W always has great advice.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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"If she keeps her job right now that is the most important part. No job, no house and a move would have to happen"
So what your saying is that it's better for WW to keep the job that allows her to bang the OM.
Also never leave the house. She had the affair.
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Her mom and dad have a relationship of mutual need. Not a lot of affection, but they have been together so long they wouldn't suvive without each other. No, dad is the boss in that house. All decissions are his and his alone. She is really concerned that he wont talk with her ever again. Right now like I said the really big concern is her friend at work. Her friend is a very by the book Christian women. We had to lie to her job about her being in jail and I hope she will not repeat that. If she does it could be the end of her career. Then it's a whole new game. As for her sister. That [censored] was playing me bad. She did tell my wife all the positive things I said, but she also told her some of the things I said in confidence. She played us both and I will never forgive that. If she keeps her job right now that is the most important part. No job, no house and a move would have to happen. Don't need all that right now. Consider the following: 1. Go home. 2. Do not leave your children alone with her. 3. Do not expect her blood relations to be 100% on your side. Assume that anything you tell them is going to get back to WW. 4. Keeping her job isn't the most important part. Keeping your M intact is the most important part. 5. No more lying to people. Nothing good comes from it. 6. GO HOME.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Patriot,
Don't get discouraged. You could have done yourself a favor by exposing all at once, thereby limiting the lovebusters to a single, one-time event. That's why we recommend to expose all at once. The fury over exposure will die down after a few weeks. I think you have exposed enough right now. Let exposure take it's course. Now just work on doing a good plan A. Meet her needs, avoid LBs. As long as there is no contact w/ OM, I'm telling you that your chances of marital recovery are very high. Forget that your WW hates your guts right now. Your goal was to kill the affair first and foremost. If you've done that, then you have succeeded. The recovery will come later. I know you are going through absolute hell right now, but happiness is on the other side of this pain. Keep your head up, keep fighting, and DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME FOR ANY REASON. If you must, lock yourself in a room to get away from your WW or call the cops again.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Well, I went home after talking to her and insisting no crazy. So as soon as I walk in the door, crazy hits. She insists I call her parents right then and make it right. I call her parents and start talking to them and she is yealling in the background. Her Mom started crying and saying I know Joe, I wish we could help. Whatever you need to do we will support you 100%. Ten she demanded I snd e-mails to everyone saying what a crazy person I was so on. She had a conference call so I showered and left. Can't deal with crazy right now. I'll go home when the kids get out of school. Now she e-mails me every minute asking me to come home and speak calmly. Said no thanks. Tried that and it didn't work. Her friend from work finally called and it's all good there (thank god). So now I don't feel so bad about that. As you all have said, her support system has erroded and she thinks I'm trying to trap her. I have kept the message the same the whole time, I want to work on this. There is nothing that can't be fixed. Yes, lots of damage and no promise it can be undone, but I at least want to try. As you can imagine I get a big FU, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. While I'm writting now just got an IM saying if I am planning on filling please don't. How flippin crazy are people. I know it's difficult to gauge how you would react to a situation until you're in it, but this is kookoo for coco puffs. Now I'm getting an i.m I'm concerned for you and your mental state. OMG...really.
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It's all good, patriot! Your wife's fantasy is being shredded. She's in the tail-spin of all tail-spins. Even her support system has been eroded, and she knows it.
I admire you keeping your cool in all this. I know it would be hard for me to maintain any semblance of composure with the bovine effluvium whirling about. But keep it up. You are witnessing the death throes of her A.
I am in awe at how effective your exposure has been.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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