Guilt, confusion about your actions, and an attempt at reciprocating. But don't worry Jon, she will flop back to mean and resentful in a few days, then flop back to kind and nice. There is a reason this whole thing is called a roller coaster ride, it goes up and down.

The good news is the longer into withdrawal and NC you go, the farther apart and less severe the "Mean/Resentful" stages are, until you realize one day there aren't anymore.

The bad news is you are very early into this. Withdrawal will take anywhere from 3 months to 2yrs, and recovery cant really begin until withdrawal is over, then recovery takes 1 to 5yrs.

This is a long ride Jon, not a quick sprint.

Perhaps, but she is not going to follow through.
There will be no D Jon, she will not file.


Jon, did you read the "Carrot and Stick of Plan-A" thread I linked you to?

Have you read any of Dr. Harleys articles on affairs?

How about the book "Surviving an affair"?


One other thing, fill out you sig line with a few basic details. It helps new people understand you, situation better.

Gack, i did read the carrot and the stick of plan A. I also read alot of DR.H's articles, I have not yet read the surviving an affair book but I plan to get it next time I'm out. I tried the Sig thing and it keeps giving me an error for some reason, I will keep trying to update that though.
Ok, about Valentine's day coming up.... I know I probably shouldn't get her anything but in order to show admiration for the things she is doing I could pay for her a spa visit and say "I know were not getting each other anything for V day but I figured since you have been working so hard and are very stressed right now you could use a spa visit". what do you all think?

What do you normally get her for V-day?

Usually, a card, some roses and candy you know the typical V day stuff

I probably would not go over the top this year. But a little extra would not hurt.

Does your W know what Feb-15 is?

Feb 14th is V day whats Feb 15th?

Hey guys and gals, just giving you the latest update on my alien infested WS
Today she has been in a REALLY good mood, Today she was on the internet searching for Taurus and Pisces love compatibility etc... Good news is I'm a Pisces and before she was always searching for Sagitarius which is the OM she hasn't pulled up his facebook page in awhile since he removed all his pictures.

I was in our bedroom watching tv when she went into our bathroom to take a shower, when she got out she came into the bedroom only wearing a towel, then she went back into the bathroom (which is in our bedroom where I was) and left the door cracked just enough to where I could see in and removed her towel. then she put her underwear on and came out to put her pants on. this may be nothing but it was kind of like she was flaunting herself to me.

She also bought a new outfit and when she put it on and was leaving i said "Wow you look so sexy, i love that outfit on you" instead of brushing it off like normal she blushed and said "oh, thanks"

She went out to get a haircut with one of her friends and called me while she was out, she was VERY outgoing and cheerful and said i just wanted to check in with you and see how things are going, then she gave me the daitls of where she was and she said "I thought it may cross your mind that i was out with someone else so you can talk with my friend (which i know her friend really well) I said "no of course not, It didn't even cross my mind" which of course I was thinking that the whole time.

She has been very nice and happy after she talked to my mom, which it was the first time they talked since all this happened, and it was a big emotional conversation because her and my mom are very close.

now i'm not getting my hopes up but I think if she TRULY wanted the D she wouldn't call in to confirm her whereabouts, or being looking up our love compatibility, which good news is...according to the Horoscope nonsense we are VERY compatible what do you vets think about all this?

She's not going to file...she's not going to file...she's not going to file.

Just be confident and know that your plan A is working. A few more months of this and you might get somewhere, but you got quit overanalyzing everything or you will drive yourself crazy. There will be highs, there will be lows. You just have to learn and accept that. Keep working to make your positive changes permanent. Don't slip back to your old ways of treating her. If you don't and you don't drive yourself crazy with the day-to-day rollercoaster of recovery, then I think you'll be fine.

Trust us.

Hi Jon,

I'm glad that you are getting a break from the drama. Your WW's behavior seems encouraging. Stay guarded.

During my WW's withdrawal I kept repeating myself: "don't get too high on the highs and don't get too low on the lows". You may want to look at it that way to avoid expectations in any direction.

Keep up with your plan A. 100% giver without expecting anything from WW in return. Just expect your own improvement.

--ElCamino72

Why did you lie to her? A strong marriage is not built on a foundation of lies, it is built on honesty. Honesty that is easy does not count for much but honesty when it's difficult to be honest counts for a lot.

She KNEW you were worried. You lied about it, and ignored the elephant under the rug, which pretty much gives her permission to ignore it too.

Next time tell her: You have no idea how much I appreciate this gesture. Thank you. Have fun with your friends!

No, I meant it didn't cross my mind that she was with someone else. I knew she was with her friend. I can see how you misunderstood that

But that's not what you posted. You posted she said "I thought it may cross your mind that i was out with someone else so you can talk with my friend (which i know her friend really well) I said "no of course not, It didn't even cross my mind" which of course I was thinking that the whole time. And it's okay to think the white lie you told her is understandable. It is, because you're not used to being completely open & honest. Wait until you see how freeing it is to be able to honestly tell her everything you're thinking.

Lol, I've caused a contraversy now when I said "which of course I was thinking that the whole time" I meant I was thinking she was with her friend not the OM.
I wouldn't lie to you all. I KNOW she wasn't with the OM and I really didn't think that she was. If I had any assumptions or reason to believe she was with him I would have told her.
She called me again and is saying stuff like "your not mad that I went out are you"? and "if you want me to come home I will" etc... What is going on with her?

Somewhere here the is a thread called "The art of war"

Its a very explicit example of how to fight the enemy. You guys are in a battle for your marriage and you should not stop fighting for it after the emergency is over, if it gets over.

Many false recoverys happen because ppl don't continue with building the marraige foundation after the initial "pain" stops. They get so scared to mess anything up, they stop working on the reasons they had a problem in the first place.
Lets all be honest, if we were still in love with our spouses and them with us and there were no problem we wouldn't be here. Something happened to mess it up, its different for all of us but we lose the original "in love and everything will be alright" feelings and we lack the tools to maintain the emotional bond we crave.

Recovery is hard, we must face our failures as well as our spouses and forgive and forget. That takes repentence, a demonstrated result of change and time to heal. Trust needs to be earned again and the secure feeling we had prior to the affair is absent untill enough time goes by with absolute complete transparancy with each other.

The MB principles work. They are based on what it takes to have a healthy marriage, not nessesarily personal growth because you can both enthusiastically agree and trust each other EVEN IF, you are doing something stupid and childish together. The point is you are doing it together. The point here is that even if two ppl are as dumb as a post they can grow up together. I was married 24 years and thetough things we went through together with honesty were really tough but when we were dedicated to honesty and truth we made it thru some really bad stuff. As soon as lies and deception crept in, we were sunk, we had to work on what we had, and we were never perfect. Many times we acted like we were suppossed to even if we didn't feel like it and then later examined why we didn't feel like it. We had to get over betrayal on many levels including adultry and it took time to get back from that awful place.

Guess what I am saying is now is the beginning of what can be the best marriage you would ever experiance but as soon as you stop the constant care of each other and assume you are ok, something can sneak in so be ready for a fight with fear and insecurity and don't let anything get in the way of useing the tools found here in MB. I wish we had found this place years ago and you knowwhat? Many of the principles we used to recover when we did are the same ones I see here in MB. If we had support like this our time together would have lasted longer and would have been healthier.

Make no mistake, its a fight to the finish for a prize that gets more precious after every battle

Her friend she went out with last night said that she could tell my WS was happy and wasn't in the same depressed state she's normally in. She did say that she brought up the D a few times but never actually talked about it. The only things she said were "I'm so stressed still because of my job and I haven't even got an attorney for the D" and then she said "I never would have thought I would be in this position, I cheated on my husband and now I'm getting a D, I wish I could go back 10 years eralier and be a kid again."

I called her friend last night when my WS wasn't with her and talked for awhile with her, thats how i know my WS said these things. She seems to think she still probably won't file. Plan A continues....

WW should not be out bar hopping morning noon or night.

Being a bar fly and a wife do not mix.

Gee, where have I heard that before?

Props to Gack!

Whatever, I said it first.

lol you all, I still think she will file but thats just me
And she wasn't bar hopping, my WS doesn't drink at all. they went out to eat and went to a few different stores.
Today is a hard one, because I love my wife so much and I want to walk up and be able to hug her and kiss her and I know I can't. She got a haircut yesterday and I complimented it and she said "it's just trimmed" I said i like the way you fixed your bangs she said "my bangs have always been like this" and it was just an ackward moment.