where is everyone?

So... While my WS was taking a nap, which I told her to try and get some rest because she is sick, I cooked dinner, fed both the kids, gave them baths, and put on thier pajamas. My WS said "thanks for cooking dinner, but you didn't have to make so much it's wasteful" I made spaghetti and I always make a whole thing of it and yes there are leftovers but....It's spaghetti, it cost like $3.00 to make a HUGE batch of it.

Then she kept being rud about how she told me over and over just to make half etc...after I all did, this is how I get thanked.
I offered to go out and get her some medicine she said "no, but I could use a soft drink" so I actualy went to the neighbors and got her one (read the previous posts to understand that ordeal)
Guys, am I doing to much? I am trying to show her I am here for her because she is not feeling good. How much is too much? She kind of hinted towards me giving her a backrub which is NOT going to happen right now.

Used to when she would want one she would say things like "my back really hurts" etc... she said this tonight. Help me out here, I rely on you all.

Why wouldn't you be up to giving her a back rub?

Maybe you can make spaghetti pizza for dinner tomorrow and use up those leftovers.

do you think after all that she deserves a back rub?? I do plan on eating most the leftovers too. She is back to listening to her depressing music, she is looking at his facebook page again, she is being RUDE to me.... this = NO BACKRUB.

It's not about deserving, Jon. She does not deserve anything that you are doing. If she has given you an opportunity to touch her in an intimate way, comply.

You are not doing too much, you are expecting too much. That will come but not when she is going through withdrawal.

God's Blessings,

Say

Did you google the recipe for spaghetti pizza? it is a real thing you can make with leftover spaghetti and it is YUMM-O(Rachael Ray fan here)

I agree that when WW gives you an "in" to touch her you should take it. Not that she deserves it or doesn't, it is what you deserve. You would be touching your wife.

Is there SF? I know you said that she isn't sleeping in the bed, but you don't have to sleep together to "sleep" together.

The back rub turn down, was it the way you punished her for being rude? If you take her rudeness outta the pic, would you have done it on a normal day?

You can't go back and offer now, it would sound fake, but don't let an opportunity like that pass itself up again.

Keep up the good work and understand we nudge you back on course every once in a while.

Does not make sense. Cook diner, not rub back. Has WW complained in the past about you making too much pasta?

Yes she has complained in the passed. unfortunately there is no SF, we haven't since she had the PA with other guy even though I didn't find out until 2 weeks after they did it. I wish i would have offered it now, I sat up all night last night thinking about it. She is sick and is still sleeping on couch, last night I heard her tossing, turning, and coughing etc.

I came in and said "WS why don't you sleep in our bed tonight because I know your not sleeping well" she said "I will be ok in here but thank you for the offer" I didn't "turn down" the back rub I just didn't offer it when she said her back hurts. Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I do aprpeciate all of you.

I wouldn't second-guess on passing up the back rub. I think you're doing great!

BTW - I am famous for two things: burning the garlic toast when I broil it, and making enough spaghetti to feed a small nation. I figure neither of those things is a very big issue when it comes down to what's really important in my life, so the fam has learned to joke about the bread ("Aargh! She's making garlic toast! Get ready for the smoke alarm to go off!") and H knows to just grab an extra box of noodles when we're at the store.)

It's just SO not a biggie when you really think about it.

Thank you Bliss, if only my WS didn't think it was a big deal. She is back to being in her major withdrawl period because one of her friends is telling her "just give OM time" "you will be so much happier after the D in the long run" up until she talked with her she was being nice and things were getting better it seemed.
She is at least going to be coming to the B-day party my brother is having for his little girl this Sat, this will be the first time she has been around my family since this happened.

I just wish I could get into her head to see what she is thinking. I want to know if she has even considered working things out with our M, anything to give me some hope.

This "fiend" (not friend) is an active enemy of your marriage. Is there any way to block access to her?

Theres not, i can't even mention that I know they are talking. They only chat on facebook and I cannot let her know I can see her facebook. I agree she is an active enemy, do you think she will have enough influence to sway my WS?

She already IS influencing your WS, Jon. Is there possibly a way you can triangulate an "attack" against the fiend? Do you perhaps have mutual friends on FB that might run interference for you?

No,I just started facebook like a week ago. Her 2 friends she actually goes out with the most want her to work out our M, so she still has that balance. The girl on FB was a friend from LONG ago and they don't actually go out together.
There for a few days I caught a glimpse of my actual wife, she was kind, she called me when she was out, and things were looking up.
Now she is back to withdrawl mode after talking with this friend and sits in our room crying listening to love songs.

Jonpen, I'm no psychologist, but it almost sounds to me as though "the fiend" is a surrogate for OM. Every time WW contacts her, she goes into the withdrawal funk, and it's like resetting the clock.

We have to find a way to separate or at least minimize contact with her. Do they only communicate via Facebook? How about if you send her a message to her FB account telling her to back off?

This gets very tricky, I know. But this person is causing great harm to your recovery efforts and needs to be stopped.

Pepper? Mel? Anyone?

Stay in Plan A, Jon and work on you. Don't let her see the whiny, clingy, unsure of himself, looking for reassurance from her BH Jon that you were a few weeks ago. There is nothing that you can do about her friend without tipping her off and even if you could, WW is not going to listen to yoy at this point. Just keep up your good work. Apparently talking to this toxic friend is almost has bad as breaking NC.

God's Blessings,

Say

Jon, she is grasping for someone to justify her previous actions.

Tell us everything you know about this "friend".
Marital status and past.
Last time they actually saw each other.
Have you actually met her.
Does she know, communicate with, or have any contact with OM?

Everything you know about her.

It is almost as bad as the NC. I am still in plan A, but this has had a major setback. They do only talk on FB. See the worst part of this is that the OM never officially told my WS "It's over" all he told her was "I am still trying to get my wife over the initial shock" and hasn't contacted her since.

The friend is my WS same age and is already D. Thats why she is telling my Ws "it's ok, you will be so much happier" etc... She is also telling my WS "just wait for him, give him time" in reference to the OM. On the other hand she doesn't talk about the OM to her friends she goes out with because not only do they want her to save her M but they do not like the OM at all.
So she doesn't even bring up relationship talk to them.

All I can do is stick to plan A and keep the same attitude I have now. Today is VERY hard for me though, the pain is overwhelming. I can't even give my own wife a hug or a kiss or tell her how much I love her.... yet i live in the same house with her and see her everyday.

ok the "friend" They last saw each other about 9 months ago for a birthday party for her little girl. I was at the party and me and this "friend" has always got along really well. The "friend" does not know the OM nor has she ever met or seen him. She was married then got D, then got back together and seperated again. Since this time she has had MULTIPLE boyfriends. My WS has only told her the bad things about me and nothing about the changes I have made. This is the only person my Ws knows that will justify her actions. I can send this "friend" a message on facebook, but I don't know what I would say or how I could word it.

Don't worry about the friend, she's harmless. You know how I told you that your WW vascillates between wayward and good. The friend is just someone for the WW to talk to, someone to justify her actions. As long as NC is maintained, she'll feel the need to talk to her less, and will spend more time talking to her REAL friends who disprove of the OM and approve of you.

My WW was the same way. She had her affair friends and her real friends. Once the affair was over, she gradually lost touch with those friends because she didn't need them any more.