throughagrinder...WOW, what an amazing post full of invaluable information. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you, and all the others, that have posted on here!!!

Thank you so much! I'm reading and re-reading everything!

I just think of all the people out there that have this happen to them and don't know about this website....and believe all the lies and bull they are told!

So my H just left me a mssg. saying he has filed for legal separation and I should be getting the papers in the mail either today or tomorrow.

I made an appt. with a lawyer soon after he left, however they were not able to get me in until next week.

Does it make any difference that he filed before I did? Is it common for Waywards to do this so soon after leaving?

Jill, where do you live? Some states don't even recognize "legal separation," so this could be just a smokescreen.

My sense is that waywards go one of two ways regarding separation: They either talk a big game and then never do anything, or they file right away.

Remember, filing means nothing. In some cases it can set the ground rules for property and child support for future consideration, but it is not a divorce (which my attorney made perfectly clear to me when The Leopard and I put together our Separation and Property Settlement Agreement. Incidentally, Virginia is one of those states that does not recognize "legal separaion").

I'm in KS.

I think he wanted to make sure that he gets to see our daughter (even though I have been fine with letting him see her when he wants to) and he said this would help 'map out visitation for Holidays, etc."

I also wonder if this helps him to feel even more removed from being married, thus making his affair seem a little more 'ok'.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know for a fact that my WW seems to think that being "legally separated" grants her immunity from sleeping with someone else.

It's all bullch!t.

Yep, just as I suspected in my case as well. Thanks for the input.

Get a good lawyer and hit him hard. Get as much custody as you can (you can always let him see the kids more than custody calls for) and get the child and spousal support deducted straight from his paycheck. Make him pay for legal fees as well. You want this separation to be as uncomfortable as possible. This is his "trial" to see what getting divorced will feel like. Let him know the grass isn't greener. At the very least it will put a strain on his affair.

Jill, I can't speak for all of KS but I can speak for the Salina courts which unless your in KC should be par for the course. I have no knowledge about legal seperation. But likely your atty will file an answer to his petition which will outline a bit of your case. From there y'all will have an initial appearance at which time "Temporary Orders" will be argued and issued for custody and support. Kansas changed their support laws about 4 years ago and the HIGHLY favor the custodial parent with little regard to time spent with the non-custodial as was the case before. The chances of him being the custodial parent or 50/50 custody are almost nil unless you're nuts and/or you agree to that. Around here he would likely get every other weekend and a weekday evening. Of course this is all subject to the Judges temperment which your atty should be able to advise you of. Then y'all will be ordered to Mediation, this is where the real work can be done. A good mediator is priceless.

Wow, I just had another thought.

My husband is very familiar with a lot of the lawyers and judges in town, as he does a lot of testifying for his job. They have always liked him because he is very thourough in testifying, and they tell him so.

He has made friends with many of them between hearings. This cannot be good for me.

One thing that I do have going for me right now is that he seems to just want OUT and doesn't really seem to care about personal posessions or money at this point. I know the fog can do that, and I also know that he might not always be so non-chalant (sp?) about it.

Again, thank you all for the input. It's really helpful!

And by the way, have I mentioned that my husband is a Marriage and Family Therapist????

What a flippin' joke!!!

My wife was a substance abuse counselor. A lot of the counselors there had problems with overeating, prescription medicines, and just "stinkin' thinkin'."

The number of "counselors" in almost any helping profession who have issues far surpassing those of their clients is inordinately high. I think it's because they start defining themselves by what they do and not by who they are.

And I say this as one who spent more than 18 years as a non-clinical volunteer in a treatment center.

EDIT: Some of the reading and studying I have done as the result of my own marital meltdown suggests that a higher percentage of Borderline Personality Disordered and Sociopathic people find their way into the "helping professions." {Shudder}

Report him to the board.

Well, I got the paperwork. Only this paperwork doesn't say anything about a 'legal separtion', as my H said. It says 'Petition for Divorce'!

It also says he agrees to pay $400 a month....and that's it. The rest of EVERYTHING (house, bills, etc.) is all left for me to pay! Please tell me that a man cannot just decide to go get himself a new apartment and a new lover and walk away from his family only paying $400???

I see my lawyer on Thursday.

You were nice for long enough. Now it's time to show him exactly how much he will have to pay monthly to walk away. Hopefully, the single life won't feel as enticing if he realizes he'll be broke.

Again, as I said before. Your husband needs to be reported to the boards that he is accredited with. There is no way this man should be counseling other couples right now.

Jim, I will have to have solid proof before I report anything. But believe me, once I do I will not be holding back on my findings! This includes at his job, which is a Christian based corp. and would likely find an affair VERY distasteful.

As far as the divorce papers, will most lawyers (and judges) think his offer is as ridiculous as I do? Abandoning his family and paying only $400?

Also I've been wondering, are lawyers generally in favor of their clients hiring PI's? Are they good at recommending who's the best?

It depends what state you are in. If you are in an at fault state, definitely, but in some no-fault states it doesn't even matter, so they figure why bother.

I'm sure some attorney's know some good PI's. I forgot that you had no proof of an affair yet. He's defitely in one, so I would get a PI so you have proof for your exposure.

And yes, $400 is a ludicrous amount. I forgot how many kids you have, but in reality, you should get over 50% of his income. That is, if he even has an income after you expose what you find.

In my opinion, he's really trying to protect the person he's having an affair with. He knows exposure will absolutely kill the affair. Maybe it is someone at this "Christian based organization" who he works with and knows they would lose both their jobs.

Jill, Kansas is a no-fault state so PI stuff really doesn't matter. Depending on length of marriage and your ability to obtain gainful employment, Allimony may or may not be available for a period of time. As far as Child Support, there is a formula that is set up for that. Make sure you have copies of income taxes for the last couple of years as well as W-2's for this year if you can get them.

Thanks Bill. My H took all the income tax info. with him when he left. I do have his W-2's that came in the mail since he's been gone, can I legally open them and take them to my lawyer's? Also, keep in mind he quit his job (out of the blue) and was unemployed for 2 1/2 months before going back to the job he quit, so that will effect what his earnings look like, right?

I have a job and actually make more than he does, will that effect what he has to pay? I just can't get over the fact that he can abandon his family and not have to be responsible for any of our JOINT bills...like the mortgage.

And that's too bad about the no-fault state. I'm still going to get the PI for peace of mind, though.

I really appreciate all your input.

He's on the hook for the half the marital debt.

Getting a PI might not make much difference in the divorce, but it might make a difference for exposure, ending the affair, and saving her family.

If you filed joint returns, you can request a copy of the returns from IRS. If you paid a tax preparer to fill out your returns, you may be able to get copies from the preparer.