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Print this out and mail it to OM�s wife!
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

You need to tell OM�s wife that this �Friend� is a possible contact souirce between OM and WW.

I thought you said OM and OM�s wife blocked your wife on FaceBook?

I was hoping to hear that jmwc, I can tell she is back to wayward mode. I was VERY worried about the "friend" because not only does she justify it she wants my WS to get the D because she thinks it will make her happier in the end.
I need a few more refreshers or tips. How can I give her admiration the most? this is my WS's #1 EN. I am good on the Domestic help part i still keep up ALL the housework, but the OM didn't get her by doing housework obviously. Also while she is in "wayward" mode do I just kind of back off and leave her alone?

Gack, the Om and OM's wife did block my WS from facebook. She can still get to his page but can't view his pictures or details etc...I know this friend is not a contact source, i monitor everything and this "friend" is only replying to my WS.

Wouldn't that "Tip your hat" about knowing they are talking?
If not, I would totally send her a message stating your love for your wife and your hopes for recovery, then ask if she can help.

Let me guess, this friend had an affair?

Jon, I found it easiest to show admiration (also my DH's top EN)by bringing up things from our past because for awhile, he was not doing anything very admirable. I "let him" find me looking at past vacation pics and told him how good he is at trip planning and how he should do it for a living. I started conversations with, "Remember when we..." If admiration does not ring true, it will do more harm than good.

God's Blessings,

Say

Admiration works great if you praise your WW to someone else, but where she can hear it. Like if you're visiting your family (or hers) then comment on how great her outfit looks or the new haircut or whatever. Be sure it's sincere and not fake or over-the-top.

Admire how well she interacts with the kids.
Admire how organized she is.
Admire how smart she is, or funny.
That you like the fact she reads, or has a large vocabulary and can express herself well, so she's interesting to talk to.
Her voice and enunciation when she speaks.
Her sense of color and how good the paint goes with the drapes.
How thoughtful she was for sending a gift to X.

Just *watch* her. You'll come up with more ways to admire her than you can accomplish without overwhelming her.

Thanks for those tips, I will do my best. How long do you think it will take before she will want to work on our M? I know it's probably months, but how will I know? Jim how long did it take before your WS agreed to recover? Did your FWS go through the same exact things mine is going through now? did they act the same?
My WS has NEVER 1 time said she wants to work on our M and even right now if the OM came into the picture again she would leave me for him in a second.

When will she realize she was being used? He told her he loved her and no matter what they would be together, he told her him and his wife were getting a D and all thats left was legal papers...yet when I exposed now all the sudden he is working things out with his wife and has not contacted my WS 1 time.

The OM's wife contacted my spouse a few weeks ago and it was not very nice I know it's alot of questions but even now I just need hope.

There was no time where my wife just said, "Okay, I want to recover our M," but slowly and surely she acted more and more married. Let's put it this way. Her last contact w/ OM was in January and we finally had SF again in June if that helps you with the timeframe at all. However, we did plan a vacation together for June in April, and she bought new furniture for the house that April as well.

were you not a very good husband before the A? I was not a very good husband, i commited multiple LB's daily.

The kids hardly want anything to do with her anymore. They can sense something is wrong but they are too young to understand. I am always in a good mood in the house and i play with the kids all day, when they get around her they get MEAN. they don't listen to her, they say "I want to play with daddy" etc...
I know deep down this hurts her but at the same it makes me feel good. It got so bad that she kept asking me "have you been saying bad things about me to them"? I said "I would never do that" and that is the truth. She never asked me again. I will say that if my wife does file for D my children will always know why mommy and daddy are not together, and that I did everything I could to save the M. I will not lie to them.

She's back in her room, listening to her depressing love songs. It makes me SICK!! This pathetic behavior of hers is starting to get to me. I can't wait, in another hour she gets off work and I get to get out of the house. I have to go fix a computer for someone. I DESPISE wayward wife! I want my good wife back.

The Temper Trap - Love Lost<----- one of the songs she plays all the time, look up the lyrics if you want. should I confront her on this horrible music?

No. Pick your battles wisely. This is not one of them.

Just keep coming here and venting instead.

No.

God's Blessings,

Say

DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE SONG.

This is the song my WH knew EVERY word to and sang it in the car while driving with ME and my kids. At the end I just said, "wow what an interesting song, I hope you play pool well tonight." With a smile on my face. Inside I was SCREAMING.

"Better Off"

Well I've packed my bags
I'm moving on
Yes I've been waiting far too long
Cuz living with you is like a hole in the head
I know that I'll soon be better off
Cuz living with you is like a hole in the head
I know, well I know

That I don't care about anyone
You know that I'm better off (better off)
Well I don't care about anyone
You know that I'm better off

Oh I've explained
Get off my back
Far too long that I've lost track
Cuz living with you is like a hole in the head
I know that I'll soon be better off
Cuz living with you is like a hole in the head
I know, well I know

That I don't care about anyone
You know that I'm better off (better off)
I don't care about anyone
You know that I'm better off

This is as good as it gets
And you know that

I don't care about anyone
You know that i'm better off, better off
I don't care about anyone
You know that I'm better off

I don't care about anyone
You know that I'm better off
I don't care about anyone
You know that I'm better off

I don't care about anyone
You know that I'm better off
I know that I'm better off


It's by Theory of a Deadman, which I love the band, and WH never used to listen to them until deep in his A.

Ok, I confronted before I seen your alls advice. I didn't say anything mean.. I said that music in there sounds odd and depressing. She said "It doesn't matter if you think it's odd and depressing, I like it and I can listen to them if i like" I said "of course you can if you like, if you get on pandora you can find more bands like them" she said "really? i have heard of that but i never used it" I said "ya if you want new music I can show you how to use it" she said "ok cool" Did I play my cards right?

Well, that was a cool spin on it FOR SURE. BRAVA friend. You are learning. I am listening to Theory of a Deadman on You tube now since I posted to you. I do love the band. I am TAKING THEM BACK HAHAHAHAHA. That is awesome for you though. Although remember that this is going to be some baby steps and you will feel like some of them are in the wrong direction, just keep it up.

Hi Jon,

You're doing good in your plan A. Stay calm in the face of her erratic behavior and consistently keep demonstrating how good a husband you can be.

Now, when it comes to you WW's behavior directly related to the A - at some point - you are going to have to be firm. Her FB and music listening actions are abusive IMO. You don't want to take that crap for too long or your WW may loose respect for you. She is probing your boundaries and she may progressively push them back.

Yes, you have to pick your battles but that doesn't mean you let your WW blatantly abuse you. That can turn you into a plan doormat practitioner. I am not saying that you react to her next FB, browsing, or music listening. But I think you definitely need a clear defined plan to address this problem. Otherwise, withdrawal may prolong or abuse could escalate.

--ElCamino72

Oh ya, she knows at this point what is acceptable and what is not. I was at Wal-mart and my wife called asking when I was coming home etc She said she was going to go to Wal-mart with her friend that lives down the road when I got home.. I told her I was on my way She called again 10 mins later to find out where i was....I told her I was almost home 5 mins later she called again and asked the same thing. I got home and her aunt was in there, I asked my Ws "why are you so eager to leave"? and my WS said that her aunt had to go to work and she had to take her home because her aunt was letting my WS use her car.

After she took her aunt home she called me and said "I know you have every reason to believe i would be out with someone else or doing something bad, but I will have "friend" call you. I said "no thats ok, I do appreciate the offer though" She kept on going on with it by saying "Well you said i was eager to leave so I know you must think something.."
I said "I was just wondering why you were in such a hurry because I really didn't know" then she kept repeating the same thing "I will have "friend" call you" etc... I said "no thanks, again I appreciate you offering but I could use some juice from the store and would you check the movie store on your way back"

This ended that ordeal, when i got home she sent me a text saying "your food is on the counter" her and her aunt went out to eat and she actually saved me some. I wrote back and said "thank you I appreciate you doing that for me" she said "well I just couldn't eat all of it..." She had to word it to where it didn't sound like a gift or nice gesture so I said "well if you just couldn't eat all of it then you can have the rest tomorrow and i will stop and get myself something" she said "No No! you eat it I got you extra sauce and i got you tater wedges, I got it for you"
Did I seem to handle everything ok? Why would she be so worried that I would think she is out with someone else if she wants a D? I'm about as confused as a chameleon in a bag of skittles right now.

So is SHE. Your Plan A is throwing her for a loop. She can't totally trust that the "old you" won't come back. Keep it up.

One thing though, are you being COMPLETELY honest with your WW when you tell her that you aren't thinking that she is out with someone else? I don't know how you could handle this differently, but you do need to tell her the truth.

I'll let the vets weigh in on this though.

So keep up the GREAT JOB. You are seeing little things change. Let the vets guide you on this.

I am being honest when i say I don't think she is out with someone else, I told her I believed her and if I didn't I would have said so. She is still VERY distant when she is around me. I want to hug her and kiss her and I want the SF but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Ok another question, We used to watch this show together awhile back and it was something we both LOVED because it was really the only time we were together. I recorded the new season and i keep asking her to watch it with me and she says things like "Well, i am kind of tired tonight" and "i want to go to bed early tonight" so I said "do you want to watch it at all"? she said "ahhh not really" What does this mean? does it mean she just doesn't want to commit to spending this time with me since it was a good memory we used to share? Should i watch it without her?

She keeps calling me right now while she is out at Wal-mart asking if there is anything else i can think of that we need. She has called 2 times, the first time was to see if I could think of anything we needed the second time was to tell me what she got and if she left anything out. It's like she is trying to "prove" that she really is at Wal-Mart.