Would her aunt want you to move out? What does she think about the A?
Just remember that your marriage is more important than whatever inconvieniences it costs you. Maybe you will have to stop school and get a job. Then rent a place yourself. If wife just keeps threatening D to you every time you speak up then ...well.. I do agree with you. she doesn't care about you or how you feel.

I am just goingon the assuption that there was love there in the past, and that you can rekindle it. Maybe you are nothing but a babysitter to her if that is not true. I am confused Jon. Was your marriage a plan to experiance life together with all the changes and pitfalls or a financial arrangement for education and proffessional advancement? If it is the latter then your in the wrong place. Your kids will have very little security in life if they can say when they grew up,"My parents? they are divorced but they both are financially succesful and published. Yeah..the marriage was getting in the way of thier carreers.

Sorry thats my opinion, Jon If you want to stay and get beat up by your wife I can't help you. I will check back and see if your prioritys have changed later. Until then do some thinking about what is really importat to you.

I just have days that really hurt inside, but other days are easier. My wife still "acts" like she cares about me but her words are whats hurtful, your right I think she just see's me as a housekeeper and a babysitter right now. There was a great love in the past and I want to rekindle that. Our marriage was a plan to experience life together to the fullest.
Do you think I should jump to plan B after only 1 month of plan A? Like I said today was just a hard day and I came here to vent, I am not ready to move into plan B yet.

Sometimes i catch a rare glimpse of my wife and this has just started happening recently. I still have a lot of love for her and I don't feel like it's to the point where I need to leave and save what love i have left. I will stick with plan A for the meantime but I do need to be more assertive and honest with her.

Ok then you just keep doin plan A then as long as you can. Thats a very important part of the process. We will be here to listen to you and help

Hang in there man its hard but do-able

jmwc, can you look over my last few post and see what you think? i know our situations were somewhat similar. Your FWW kept in contact with the OM for MUCH longer than mine, in fact there has been NC now with my WS and OM for around 1 month as far as I know, But it seemed your FWW still let you touch her etc and seemed more open to R at first then mine. please read over my past few post, I appreciate everyone's advice.

Good morning everyone. I didn't get any sleep at all last night.

Jon, you are second guessing yourself into insanity. Plan A is to be done with no expectations. You are simply building a better you and a warm inviting family and home life and inviting your WW into it. You are showing her what she will be missing if she goes the divorce route. She may or may not take you up on the invitation but you have not even given her a chance to get through withdrawal. What she id thinking or saying to her friends at this point is moot. As long as she is not contacting OM don't read her chats with her friends. It is sabatoging your own Plan A.

Your clingyness is driving me crazy. I'm sure WW feels the same at this point. Be open and honest with your WW when she asks you something but you must try to get yourself under control. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Could you start some new and fun family projects? You may need to do some 180 here. You need a certain amount of detachment to follow through with a good Plan A. You can't watch for her reaction to every little thing you do.

God's Blessings,

Say

ok, I'm feeling better this morning. Thank you for the nudge say I needed it. I have been to worried about her and what she likes and her wants, it is hard not to fall back into making everything about her. I agree I need to detatch a bit.

During the first 5 or so months of Plan-A my wife would take her rings off constantly. But that was because I could not get her to establish NC, once NC was established, that stopped ofter several weeks. NC is the most important thing, and you have it, or at least no evidence against it.

Jon, ask her why she does not wear her rings?

Next time she goes out and asks you if it makes you mad, tell her "No, I just wish you would spend more time here, with your family. We miss you"

Or something along those lines.

What does she go out and do?
I still think she tries to hard to prove where she is sometimes, that makes me very suspicious.

She just goes out with her friends. I did put a voice recorder in the car and they were just having a fun girls night out. I know I am supposed to "pick my battles" do you think the rings is a battle I should start or just let it happen over time?
She has been asking me if everything is ok even when she lays down for a nap she says "is that ok"? "you don't mind if i take a nap do you"? etc...

When she goes out with friends she just goes shopping with them, sometimes she buys little toys for the kids, sometimes her and her friends go out to the movies. I DO trust her friends because I talk with them all the time and they are praying that through my actions my WS will open her eyes and want to R our M.

Both of her friends she goes out with are on my side, and thats why my WS stopped even talking about our M or the OM in front of them because she doesn't want to hear what they have to say.

I may give the rings ordeal another month or so to let her come out of this fog, then press the issue. Right now I don't think it would do any good and it would only stir up more trouble. thats my opinion and i could be wrong.

I would definately skip the rings battle. A ww spouse in withdrawal who has not made a decision to committ to R sees no need to wear rings. Let her decide when to put them back on. If she does that, you will know that she is turning around.

Concentrate on you and your plan.

God's Blessings,

Say

If you like these friends, and they like you..Why not suggest a group outing, or having them over for dinner?

That depends on you and how important it is to you.

To me, it was super important, and she new it. I could not bring myself to NOT say something when I caught her without them on. I was gentle, but I had to say something.

But thats me

Waiting is understandable. But if it where I, I would ask...

Better yet,....... Have one of her friends ask her why she doesn't wear them any more

Jon,

What do expect from her at this point?

That is not a flippant remark, BTW, but a real question I'd like you to consider. Notice I didn't ask "What do you want from her" or "What do you wish she would do?"

I specifically am asking what you expect, that is, what expectations do you have right now whenever you attempt to "fix it" in ANY way.

Time for work, so I'll stop back later, but think about that question. What expectations do you have right now?

Mark

I totally agree.

Jon, you are WAY too focused on WW and not nearly focused enough on YOUR PLAN A.

You spend so much of your posting time wondering what hidden meanings there are behind every little thing she does. What's the significance? Is it a good sign? and so on.

You also focus on what she does that hurts you. I know how bad it hurts, believe me. I have been there. IT HURTS. But dwelling on her and the pain she is causing you does not do you or your marriage any good.

Every day you need to ignore what she says. Watch what she does, a little. But mostly, every day you need to:
Review what you think are her top ENs and consider if you are right about that. Then...
MEET HER ENs.
AVOID LBs.

Her top EN is admiration, how can I not focus on her and still meet this EN? Her next is Domestic Help, I am meeting that one by keeping up with the housework while she is at work. Her next would be conversation and I have been trying to meet that one but the only time we really talk is when it's something about the kids.
So I should just sit back and do my own thing but meet these EN's when she lets me? Should I let her come to me and stop coming to her? I am going to try to put it in God's hands and let him guide me, everytime i try i start to take it back in my hands and thats when I mess up.

I have to remember and recite Proverbs 3:5,6
Trust in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Just focus on meeting the need and don't focus on the reaction. It's going to take a long time. I would, however, try to schedule more time for you two to spend with each other. Take her out to dinner, take her out of the house. I know you are broke right now, but you can find something to do together that she might enjoy.

By jove I think he gets it!!!!

God's Blessings,

Say

jmwc, I can try but I don't think she will agree to go out anywhere with just me and her. how can I ask her? and if she says no thanks should I just brush it off and say "maybe next time" and still go out by myself anyway?

Yes, Jon. Create fun things to do and invite her. Do things with the kids and invite her. Watch the show the two of you enjoyed. Invite her. Let her see what she is missing. You don't have to spend money to spend time together. Go for walks or drives.

I asked Mark to post to you. He is spot on. Follow his advice.

God's Blessings,

Say

I would do it by speaking, typically hand signals and mime don't work for me....


Seriously Jon, just ask!

Just say, hey (Inset name here) I have really been craving (Insert food/Restaurant here) how would you like to go to (Restaurant) with me, just the two of us?

Whats the worst she will say?

Others may have ideas but I answered this a few pages back:

There is a huge difference between looking for things to admire and second guessing every tiny little thing she says:

Why would she be so worried that I would think she is out with someone else if she wants a D?

What does this mean? does it mean she just doesn't want to commit to spending this time with me since it was a good memory we used to share?

You wonder why she gets you dinner with the extra sauce.
You obsess over the fact she's not wearing her rings.
ALL of this is not productive and wears you out.

Suggestions for meeting her admiration EN are above.

For conversation, read the local paper and bring up topics.
Google "conversation starters" and you'll find pages upon pages with ideas for getting a conversation going and learning more about another person.