Hmmmm...

Why cant I see the smileys ya'll are posting?

All I get is the old red X

Browser settings?

Looking from work and the IT police have images filtered out?

Reading in threaded mode instead of flat mode?

Preferences settings?

Can you see the smiley's from this website?

[/tj]

Next month, she'll say I'm going to file next month and so on until she finally starts working on the marriage again. It's something she likes to hold over you to control you.

Unless, of course, you keep trying to beat some sense into her in which case she might file just to get the beatings to stop.

When she says "I want a divorce" it means that you are making her unhappy at that very instant. What were you doing at that very instant? Stop doing THAT.

How's that been workin' for ya?

Mark

Jon, you need to realize that the exchange you wrote about sounds like begging and pleading. Unless you accept that you'll be stuck. Do not let her get under your skin. This is the same point that folks here are trying to tell you. She's a WS. That's what they do. DON'T LET HER.


You may feel much better NOW. My questions is: How do you think you'll feel if you D? You may have said that you don't want to D but YOUR actions are taking you in that direction.

You need a wake up call brother. Man up.

--ElCamino72

Cowboy up!

Yes

Who watches the kids when she goes out?

Jon does

You might want to keep a journal about this if it eventually comes to divorce. With you being in school, her working, and going out all the time, you would be in an excellent position to get at least 50/50 if not primary custody. You also may be eligible to receive spousal and child support. Then, the prospect of going through with the divorce may seem a little less appealing to your WW.

sounds to me like Jon might have a business meeting coming on some night, one that happens at the last second.

Let it go. You don't need to underscore the flavor of the conversation by apologizing for 'arguing'.

Doesn't have to last all night, just till about 10:30 or so by the time he gets home.

Or maybe a friend of his will call and ask him to help him out somehow, at about 7 or whatever time WW usually thinks she is getting ready to go out.

Jon, I did it too, before I knew better.

And Pep, I'm at work, it was that or English style, and that ain't nothin' like cowboy ridin'. Silly tight britches and shiny boots and all that stuff. They only have to jump fences 'cause they put 'em too close together to begin with.

I was too lazy to keep looking for the one I wanted.

Yeah, them ferners are turning up everywhere...

Don't know what 'Merica is comin' to.

I understand. That was the first mention of D in weeks, We had not talked about the D since the end of Jan or so, and even this time we didn't "discuss" it she just mentioned she is DOING IT etc... I personally KNOW i am a new man and I KNOW i'm not the same critisizing, rude, lazy person I was before, she just doesn't believe it yet. She cleaned both our kids rooms last night and they are SPOTLESS now, they were a disaster before, she also washed and dried clothes, this is WIERD for her because she never helps around the house.

I sent her a note on facebook thanking her. Truthfully she can say the word Divorce 1000 times to me and it bounces off at this point, used to I would break down, cry, mope around etc...
I now realize I can't stop her from doing anything, I can only show her that doing things with the family is more fun and more rewarding. Mark your a very intelligent person and seem to know your stuff. The thing is I do not EVEr talk about our relationship, the OM, D, commitment, change, whats right and wrong etc.... TODAY was the first time this has happened in a long time. When this first happened I was the OPPOSITE I told her how wrong she was and i begged and pleaded her to stay, I would cry to her and mope around all day. I am not this same person anymore.

Jon- I wanted to add that I was a former WW in my first marriage. You seemed too clingy. All of these questions and continually bringing up our marriage is why I just finally got an apartment. Hard to do plan A when one is in an apt.

Quit worrying about that stuff or pointing out to her those things- she knows you don't want her out, etc. She's doing it anyway- as most terrible WW do.

She's WW, not FWW. Think James Bond- cool.

Jon,

OK. Stay focused on not doing it again. Your post today began with how you went to her and said...

Then you listed all this stuff and talked about the rings and all the stuff that triggers you to react.

If your opponents in the game score on their first possession you don't suddenly panic and begin to pull out all the stops to see if you can find some trickery that might make them give up early. You execute your plan and use the time left to win the game.

The score only matters when the clock says 00:00.

A lot of the trouble a BS in Plan A has is that you are trying to make your Giver work overtime while your Taker is screaming at you for equal time, or at least for some kind of return on investment. But you have to get your Taker to shut up and stop nagging you so that you can stop nagging the WS.

The more you allow yourself to get sucked into the drama of the affair, threats of divorce, doing things like making a show of taking off the rings...all that stuff that is designed to get you to back off so the WS can continue the affair in peace, the harder it is to work from your Giver.

Your Taker's job is to make you happy. An affair certainly doesn't do that, so your Taker steps up and demands satisfaction. If you let your Taker do what he is supposed to do, you end up using what is in HIS plan and playbook rather than what is in YOURS. His plays are SDs, AOs, DJs, IB, Dishonesty and pure thoughtlessness. These are all things that make Love Bank withdrawals instead of Love Bank deposits.

This is the hardest part of Plan A. You have to keep your Taker locked up for the duration so that you don;t undo what you thought you already did already. At best you are being allowed to fill a bucket with an eyedropper and any time you cause a leak or worse than a leak, you kick over the bucket, you are right back to square one rather quickly.

In my personal experience, I struggled right up till the day I decided that I was going to keep trying as if this stuff would work while not worrying any more if she didn't get it before Plan B. I was becoming a better man, person and husband. If she didn't see it in time, it would be her loss and not mine, because I could take all of that with me if I left.

I still wanted to strangle her when she said her fog bound blah-blah-blah, but I just grinned, reverse babbled back and got back to my plan.
Her: "I'm so sick of living like this!"
Me: "Me too. Hey, what would you like me to fix for supper tonight? Why don't we go out so we don't have to do the dishes."
Her: "Why would I want to go out with you?"
Me: "You're right. We could order Chinese."
Her: <Slams bedroom door>
Me: <Call my buddy and he'd let me vent a while>

Later...

Me: "So, have you decided if you want me to fix supper or would you rather I ordered Chinese?"
Her: "I don't CARE WHAT YOU DO."

Me: <Call the Chinese place and order her favorite entree.>

I didn't sleep much, only really ate when we were eating together and cried while driving to and from work...AND read everything I could find on this site and a bunch of others as well.

It's hard to do, but you have to have the plan in mind all the time. The GOAL is to do what will cause her to fall in love with you and not just to avoid conflict or to placate her whims. You also have to be sure that you avoid doing what will cause her to fall out of love with you, because those are the things that you have to pay for on the other side. Don't let your Taker write a check if your Giver hasn't covered it a hundred times over.

It has to be like planning for retirement instead of living from paycheck to pay check. Your account in her love bank is empty. You have to make deposits and avoid making withdrawals because there is a minimum balance that you have to maintain for her to be in love with you. If you can keep the balance above that minimum then almost all the rest of this stuff will either take care of itself or become a whole lot easier to get done.

Best thing you could do would be to talk to the coaching center. That isn't a commercial, just a statement of truth.

Read, study and understand SAA. Use information from here to tweak your plan. Get so you understand the way it should work so you know when it isn't and be ready to fix it in your plan so that it does without having to wait for someone to tell you what to do. The more questions you can answer for yourself, the fewer questions you have to ask here and the faster you can respond as changes are required.

Mark

So basically our spout today "kicked over the bucket" and now I am back to ground 0? I went out and bought a really nice looking shirt just to give me that small confidence boost. After today I should have been having a horrible day, but I actually feel really good because I can tell I have changed just due to the fact her flaunting the word Divorce around doesn't have any impact on me.

Now she is asking me "is it ok if i go to the dollar store"? "is it ok if i still go with my friends tonight"? "is it ok, is it ok......" I laughingly said "you don't have to ask me if it's ok if you do anything" she said "well you just said i don't spend enough time home and that I am away all the time" I said "did you hear about that guy in Haiti that was trapped....." and we started talking about that, then we started playing with the kids together.

I feel awesome I truly see now that her words are just nonsense and like you said I just treat them like they are coming from a fallen down drunk. Thank you mark, and everyone else that is helping me, my M would have already been over and i would still be that weak, pathetic person I was at the start of all of this.

She seems to go out all the time. Why don't you get out of the house and do something with friends? Make her stay at home a night or two and get left behind (but invite her out sometimes still). Then she starts wondering why you are going out all of the sudden. Then she starts feeling insecure about not having you wrapped around her finger and wonders if you are moving on, so she starts showing some commitment.

And the crowd goes wild.