this next post is my plan B rough draft letter, it is VERY long!

My precious Ashley,
I remember the night I came into Skip�s and asked you for your number. I remember all the nights we talked for hours upon hours, even when I was at my brother�s and he would get mad that I was not spending time with him. I remember our first kiss, you were still in your band uniform out in the parking lot and I kissed you goodbye as I left. I remember all the times you had to drive me around because my car was messed up, and though your car smelled like vinegar from the apples you left in there I still loved every second I was with you. I remember all the times you would come over to my dad�s and play pool or go swimming, I remember how upset I would get when it would snow and I wouldn�t get to see you. I remember the night I proposed to you at your prom and I had the dj stop the music as I got on my knee and confessed my love to you and asked you to spend the rest of your life with me, I remember how nervous I was and then how excited and honored I was when you said yes. I remember our wedding as I anxiously stood at the altar, then the room lit up when you walked in, you were so beautiful and my heart stopped when I saw you. I was the luckiest man alive. I remember our honeymoon like it was yesterday. That was one of the greatest months in my life. I remember when Dawson was born and I was so nervous. I tried my best to help you and the nurses, and I held your legs while you gave birth to our precious boy. I remember the day Loralai was born, again I was so nervous, but I still tried to help. I remember all our trips to Gatlinburg and the first time we drank alcohol together, wow what a night . I remember our beach trips with the kids, I remember when me and you would go to the beach and hold hands as we walked together without a care in the world. I made a promise to you on our wedding day that I would love you and cherish you until death do us part, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and in good times or bad. I still plan on keeping the vows.
I am writing you this letter to preserve what love I have left for you and to keep it from turning into hate. Your affair has hurt me more than words can describe and I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you whatsoever. You can speak with my mom and she will forward any information to me that you wish to give me.
I admit I have made many mistakes in our marriage, and I own up to every single one of them. I neglected you, I was rude to you, I criticized you, I sometimes even hurt you on purpose. I did not listen, I was not there for you when you needed me, and I made these choices without any consideration to you and our family. For all of these mistakes and many others I am so sorry.
I want you to know there is a way back to that happy, loving marriage we once had. There is a path to that new marriage, it will take a lot of changes from both of us. If we both cannot commit to the changes our chances for a new marriage are minimal. Together we can make a marriage where no other person of the opposite sex could ever pose a problem. There would be no place for them in our marriage. We can have an open, honest, loving, trusting, and faithful marriage, we would never have the need to hide anything from one another. We must avoid being the source of one another�s unhappiness and learn to be the complete source of each other�s happiness. I can only be married to someone who wants these same things in life, and values these principals.
I still have hope for our marriage and our family, rekindling the fire we once had is possible, forgiveness is possible, and sharing the passion we once had is possible. Recovering our marriage is possible. The answer to my prayers would be that we would grow old together and have a loving marriage with a happy warm home our kids would love forever. I have already made permanent changes and I am still willing to avoid all the mistakes I made in the past and create a new life for the both of us and our kids. If we can learn to make these changes there will never be a reason for us to be apart. I want to be your best friend again, I want you to need me and I want to be there for you when you do need me. I still love you and I would still give my life for you even today, but I cannot see you, talk to you, or help you in any way until you are willing to completely separate yourself from Chris or anything else hindering our recovery. I am more than willing to discuss our future together, as a family.
Your best friend and loving husband,
Jon

Are those real names, and if they are, do you want to edit them out?

tl

I will defer to the experts Jon but I want to highlight what I like just coming from my point of view. The vets know what works and because this letter might be her only link to you during a separation, This is your Plan B letter right?), its important that its clear.


Maybe also something about not losing those precious memories of young love and confidance that all marriages go through growth periods that require adjustments within each other. God forbid we throw the baby out with the bathwater as we separate whats preciuos from what is a lie.


I like the letter Jon. Others will come along with tweaks to it.
What are your plans for separation? Are you going to move to Moms if the aunt wont let you stay? Will you take the children? The fact that WW makes the money will make it hard to appear to be the responsible party. Its not fair but its true in most cases of the law. If the aunt will not back you, but mom will let you move in. you will have to go to court if you plan on getting the kids. If you take that route, you will have to further embarrass her and bring proof to the court that you are the better choice for the children. I hope you don't have to do this but I suggest that the children will be better off with you if she slips into affair land.

You are a young couple, Whatever temptations that your wife is subject to could just as well be yours if you were out in this evil world. The workplace is full of powerhungry lowlifes and pride goeth before a fall. I don't know what she is buyin but somewhere in there is a root of bitterness and entitlement. Any relationship, now or in the future will fail without discipline and boundaries. As far as affairs of the heart there is a scripture

Proverbs 25:28
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.


The boundaries we draw around what we feel like doing and what we know are right will protect us. Whatever you and/or your wife go thru those hedges that keep out the emotionally driven rebellion that us human beings live on the edge of are the best blessings we discover. Sometimes we only see them as valuable when we are suffering from what happens after we stop respecting them. It takes a humble and wise person to recognize it.

God bless

A wayward wife will read two paragraphs, three if all are pretty short.

Make it shorter and to the point, Jonpen. Two or three paragraphs.

A wayward spouse won't read your emotional missives. If they do, it will just be seen as begging, whimpering and drivel. Sorry, but that's from experience.

Three paragraphs:

1) I want to retain the love I have for you. Therefore, I putting you out and will not have any further contact with you until OM is completely out of the picture.

2) If there is any need to contact me, use ______ as an intermediary. I will not communicate with you directly.

3) Here is the path back, beginning with NC Letter, etc. etc.

Jon, that is way, way to long, and way too mushy.

There is a Plan-B letter building thread here somewhere. Let me look and see if I can find it.

Here is one.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2318552&page=1

ok the sample letters in that thread are much longer than mine. look at Amazin's letter, or Rod's letter. I used those letters as the basis of my letter. Mine is WAY shorter than either of thiers.

Maybe they just seem shorter because how they are broken up in paragraphs.

Thats not the best thread for a guide to building a Plan-B letter. There is a really good one that I used to build mine, but I just cant find it now. Maybe another poster can get you a link for it.

Also, sorted I have had the same temptations and I turned them down. I had the opportunity to cheat on my wife, and this was even in the middle of our worst times. there was a very attractive girl from school, we used to talk after class and sometimes she would drive me to my car because I was parked so far away. She knew I was married and she was single. After a few months of this 1 week before school was out, she drove me to my car , as I was getting out she grabbed me and pulled me back in. She leaned over to kiss me and put her hand on my leg, I pulled away and said "I'm sorry I can't, I still love my wife" and got out of the car. She never talked to me again.

Oh, and Gack about the B of A thing, thats not who she works for and I thought that was hilarious. i just now went back and saw where you thought i might get offended. I am the last person on this earth you will offend. I used to work where she does and they make B of A look like a happy clown circus. They fired me over a year ago because I hung up on a customer. Anyways back to real life My WS joined a gym now, she got up at 6:00 am to go workout then had to come back home and be at work at 8:00 am.

I am still being indifferent to her and not taking any of her crap. Like I said before, I do still love her and I do want to save our marriage but...she is still so far in the fog that by the time she comes out it will probably be to late. You all said "James Bond" and thats how I'm acting. Cool, and I only speak to her when she speaks to me first, I reply in as few words as possible, but I am still polite and kind. I went out with my friends last night and got home around 10:30 pm she didn't even know I was home until 11:45 pm.

She is used to me saying "honey I'm home" etc.. or at least coming in her room, but lately I just walk in make my bed in the living room (the past 2 nights it's been my turn for the couch bed) and go to sleep. Should I keep this act going for awhile, so that she might start craving my attention?

Yeah most of us have been there to some degree.

Jon,

Plan B will have a better effect if you turn up your Plan A to the max then hit her when she's not expecting it.

--ElCamino72

Best not to think about that right now. Dwelling on what I did not do when I had the opportunity due to my self control, and comparing it to my WW's lack of self control, made me build up extra resentment that hindered recovery.

Unpossible!!!


The problem with this indifference Jon, is that if Plan-B does become necessary it wont be nearly as affective as it would have been with a Firm, but loving Plan-A.

So keep being positive and attentive and if she lashes out at you ignore it. Have some canned answers ready when she pulls out the big guns.

You must know some things she likes when you do them. Like order her favorite food or get the kids to do something special for her. Do as many of them as you can without her asking.

Avoid asking her how she feels, discussing the A, or telling her you are hurt. Have a smile on your face and accually be happy and confidant. Be aware that if she responds and starts talking about emotional issues or past hurts you might get drawn into a conversation that could end in an arguement. If she starts these convos you should set a time with her to discuss said issues. If she hits you with something you don't have a response that you feel is good tell her you have to think about it a little bit. Act, don't react. Think before you speak and everything you do should be deliberate with the intention of care for her and the kids.

This si what you would be doing if she wasn't having the affair too. She needs to know that. If your actions depend on how she treats you then she will see it as weak. Right now you have a chance to save the marriage but also to change how you treat her permenantly. If she sees you love her no matter what you will be building the foundation for a healthy marriage.

After she sees this for a time it will be time for plan B if nessesary. In plan B you will have a break from any pain she causes you. Right now she is gonna be the queen of pain as she continues to DJ you and dismiss you like you don't matter any more. You must resist the temptation to react to the pain while smiling all the while and loving her anyway.

Seems like most ppl here and the vets feel a stronger Plan A is in order and I agree. You can do this Jon. In the end either way you will be a better man for it and glad you gave it everything possible.

These guys will help you when it comes time for Plan B

Jon,

I keep getting this feeling that you are still looking for a magic bullet or some incantation you can recite that will undo all of this and turn things around.

There isn't one.

Meet her ENs as much as she allows...
Do away with all Love Busters.

Do not talk about the relationship.
SHOW her what it can be if she stays with you.

Don't try to convince her, coerce her or leverage her into staying.
Give her more reasons to stay than she has to leave.

The PROBLEM is that she doesn't love you.
Fix the PROBLEM by making Love Bank deposits and avoiding withdrawals.

Meet her ENs
Avoid Love Busters

You don't have a failure to communicate; you have a failure to be in love.

Communicating what you want is not the answer. Her falling in love with you is the answer.

Meet her ENs
Avoid Love Busters

Do things you know make her happy.
Stop doing things you know make her unhappy.

From her side the problem isn't that she doesn't understand, so stop trying to make her understand. Her problem is that she isn't in love with you. Help her fall in love with you.

Meet her ENs
Avoid Love Busters.

She wants to leave because she is not in love. Give her reasons to fall in love.

ENs
Love Busters

Do it a while without expecting anything at all in return.While you do it, get your ducks in a row for Plan B since you can't do it with nothing in return fro a long time.

But you still have to do it for a while if you expect it to accomplish anything for your cause.

ENs met
Love Busters gone

Leads to falling in love.

Basic premise of MB = Just about everything we do affects our spouse either positively or negatively.

Do the positive
Avoid the negative

Meet ENs
Avoid Love Busters

Have no expectations...

Mark

Can you go with her? Do they have daycare there?

You are killing yourself if one of her top needs is conversation.

Quit swapping beds. You sleep in the marital bed. If she's not comfortable sleeping with you she can sleep somewhere else.

I disagree with the idea that he must be engaging in conversation.

She is a woman who hungers for attention. He's been pining after her and she gets upset when he does, yet she responds to him when she pulls back.

She likes his attention, therefore he shouldn't be so willing to give it out. Part of Jon's weakness is being so readily available. He needs to use the 180 as a guide and not be so available.

Think of it like dating again. How would a woman who was just starting to go out with a guy feel if he wasn constantly there and calling her, etc? She'd feel smothered.