We have been swapping beds for around 3 weeks now, how can I bring it up to her i am no longer going to swap beds without commiting LB's? Today I am back to plan A. I made cookies for the family, my wife loves my cookies (ya real manly i know
Also when she came out on break she mentioned the toilet was clogged, so i went in and fixed it, I came out and put my arm around her and said "I fixed the toilet for you" She said "oh thank you so much" I just got done cleaning the entire kitchen, she will be shocked when she sees it.

She has been in a good mood today and i have been happy all day as well. I was being kind of goofy with her and I had her laughing like crazy. She was telling me about her day at the gym and how her friend fell off the treadmill.
There is no daycare there, it is a VERY small gym so I have no way of going with her, she goes with her friend which is very much for saving our M. Her friend told me she will help me any way that she can.

Jon should NOT be talking about the relationship, wanting to work things out, how his wife is "feeling", changes he's making to improve himself, etc.

However, if Conversation is one of her top three ENs then he would be a fool not to fill that EN. He can chat about the weather, her favorite actor/actress, a new restaurant opening around the corner, a fund raiser at the school, etc. If he does not fill her EN for conversation, someone else will.

He can do this without being a needy doormat. He can do this and still be witty, vibrant, and attractive.

ETA: I do agree that his attempts to "Converse" have come across as needy and clingy thus far.

"I'm no longer willing to swap beds. I belong in this bed and I'd like you to share it with me. If you're not comfortable with that then you are free to sleep on the sofa/in the guest room."


Where do you see a love buster in there?
You *might* say there's independent behavior but when you are fighting to save the marriage and your WW is trying to destroy it, most of what you do is going to be seen (by her) as IB.

I don't see any angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, lack of honesty... do you?

Please re-read about love busters and be sure you understand what they are. Love busters fall into very specific categories. "Not love-busting" does not mean "tippy-toe around your wife so she is never upset."

Good advice turtle
meeting her EN for conversation isn't too hard, we still talk all the time about little things. However, she will NOT let me "be there for her" she doesn't talk to me about any of her problems, and I don't probe for info on any of them. Admiration is her top En and it's the one i have a hard time with because atm she doesn't do ANYTHING admirable. I do sometimes compliment her when she deserves it, and I tell her she does a good job on certain things but there isn't enough there to constantly meet this EN.
The next 2 nights is my night in the main bed anyway, I will tell her when it's my turn to sleep on the sofa bed that I am no longer willing to swap beds.

Do you have a lock on your bedroom door? If not, I would just walk in to MY room and crawl in to the bed and lay down. When she says, "What are YOU doing? This is MY NIGHT." I would just ignore it and say, "Good night. Sleep well." and go to sleep.

If there is a lock on the door, while you have these 2 nights, break that lock "by accident".

I hit my forehead when you said this, because I think you were told NOT to switch beds. What did you do wrong? You didn't have to A, so don't give up YOUR bed.

Also, as far as what HTLD said, I know he is coming from a place of "making you into a man again." Sorry, but the only thing I see with this kind of PLOY is that you would have to do it over and over again. It also seems to me like lying.

I had thought about doing something like this before I found MB. I got advice that if I made my WH think that I didn't give a chit about him and that I was "dating". I was seriously contemplating that. I remembered that my WH was attracted to me in the beginning of our R and that's how I was. I was very aloof and I didn't always pay him attention. The reason I went against this is because was this something I was going to do every 2 years or so? Every time that I felt my WH pulling away, was I going to "pretend" I didn't care anymore? NOPE and you know why? Part of it is because I believe that this is how we got here in the first place. We started leading independent lives.

Follow this if you wish, or you could try to MB way.

It's your choice.

What are your plans for Plan B? Where are you going to live? Do you have IM's yet? Who are the children going to live with? What are your finances going to be like? What are visitations with the children going to be like?

These are just a few questions you have to answer before you can move on.

OOh boy . I am a great cook and now im like uncle charlie on my three sons. I used to be a Car mechanic,Tree trimmer, truck driver,concrete finisher, carpenter and just about any of the "manly" professions.

So don't say that cooking isn't manly lol. I also danced with my kids and changed thier diapers. Real men are not afraid to do those things lol


Im just bustin yer chops jon

lol

Think about all of the FAMOUS chefs that you know. How many of them are MEN?

My dad is a better cook than my Mom BAR NONE.

Hey Jon, a lot of attention has been given to your reactions to your wifes attitude and her lack of love for you. Using words like clingy and needy for example.

You are in charge of your emotions Jon, you own them. they don't own you. Whenever you start to get upset you need to bridle them. Only beleive what you know is true.

Some day in the future you might be able to show weakness to your WW. Not right now, she is in the enemys camp and you are her enemy. Right now trust your heart to God and protect it by putting your faith in Him.

You can do this and you must be strong to save your marriage.
Rooting for you

Yesterday went really well. After the cookies and cleaning the kitchen, I asked my WS if she was hungry, she said not really. So I went in and fixed dinner anyways. after it cooked for awhile and she could smell it she said "is there enough for me or should I get something else"? I said "of course there is enough for you, I made it for us". So normally we just eat on paper plates and sit in different rooms, but this time I got out our nice dishes and set the table. We sat down at the table and ate as a family, we talked, laughed and had a good time.

Then, when we were done eating, she actually cleaned up, i said "I don't mind to clean up" she said "no it's ok, you cooked it I can at least clean it" so after we cleaned up I said "ok you have 2 choices either you can do the dishes or take out the trash". she said "Oh I'll definately take the dishes :)" so after I took the trash out i came back inside to help her finish up and I started drying the dishes after she would wash them, so we both just stood there next to each other talking, smiling and laughing, the mood was amazing.

After we got done with the dishes i decided I was going to put a movie in for me and the kids, I always invite her to join but she never does, this time she actually did. we layed on the bed next to each other through the entire movie and we were both playing with the kids during it too. It's hard to describe but yesterday was the most normal she has been since the A, again I caught a glimpse of my realy wife.

Alright, 4 weeks down of plan A since returning to the marital residence, and about 20 more to go before she starts committing again. Keep up the good work. These are the little moral victories you need to tide you over for now. Trust in the plan.

Which is it, Jon? These seem mutually exclusive. Perhaps you could clarify how you are meeting your WW's EN for conversation, and how well you think you are doing at that, and why.

GREAT job on dinner **and setting the table**. Make your family back into a family again. That was spectacular. She might pick up her plate and go into another room, but keep on setting the table anyway. Don't focus on HER reactions. Focus on YOUR goals.

Well done.

She actually sat down and ate with us and turtle when I said I only speak to her when she speaks to me first, I reply in as few words as possible, that was me trying something different for a few days. I think it depends on what mood she is in as to how well I am meeting her EN for conversation. There are days where she will just ignore me completely even if i try to talk to her, then there are days where she is a chatterbox.

like last night, after the kids were in bed, me and her sat in her bed and messed with her computer and talked a little, everytime I would start to get up to go to bed, she would say "come here and check this out" or "how do I do this" etc... at least 3 times she called me back in there. Her sister gave her an I-pod and she didn't know how to use it, so I was helping her with it. She was in a very good mood all day.

Jon, what you did yesterday was GREAT plan A stuff. You are making home and family life inviting and she couldn't resist. Do not fall back on the 180 stuff you were doing, keep the plan A going and if/when the time comes people here will tell you it is time for plan B.

Jon,

Good work.

Just be aware that the ride is called a rollercoaster for a reason. It goes up but then plummets like you're falling off Mt Everest. Know that those days will happen and that they don't mean the end result is in peril merely that things can't always be perfect.

yay Jon woohoo.

Jon- You are DA MAN. I was so pumped to hear this. You know what. I have to thank you. I have been rying my best to help you and I was going to go back on my own plan a little because of a possible reaction from my WH. Last night, I was thinking about my sitch and I thought about you. I thought about how often people would tell you not to do this for her possible reactions, but just to do YOUR PLAN. I am taking that advice.

Ya, I mean it works out perfect when you do realize that you don't NEED that person, when I first came to that realization that things will be ok either way, it took alot of pressure off my nerves and allowed me to just do my plan. I will try to save this marriage no matter what she says or does. When she mentions D now it just goes in one ear and out the other, her WS actions don't even bother me.

I am sick and lost my voice tonight my wife called me and when I answered I could barely talk but she didn't know I had lost my voice, she said "hey, what wrong, are you ok"? real sympathetically, she must have thought I had been crying or something, but I told her i lost my voice, it just shocked me she acted so concerned. Everytime i see her I always think be James Bond and it helps ALOT, I just act cool and calm.

As far as I know she still hasn't seen the message he sent her, if she has she hasn't replied back to him yet. Days like yesterday do give me hope, but I still sometimes question if this is what I really want, It's hard to get the image of my Wife being with another man out of my head. I know God will take care of me no matter what happens and there is a verse that I try to live by daily;

Proverbs 3:5,6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understaing. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct thy paths.

My own personal heart verse, Jon. I have it on sticky notes everywhere.

God's Blessings,

Say

Delete it before she sees it and let OMW know he attempted contact. Don't let threats like this to your marriage go unanswered.