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I told Family on Friday night including an age appropriate witht the ten year old. That exposure hurt him terribly and I would not do it if I had the chance to do it over. The involvement of the child seems to have been WW's last straw. WW leaves with kids to go to mother's house. Calls and asks me to leave the house on Saturday. "I don't love you, I have never been happy, etc., etc." Followed by I want a separation and divorce. I left the house Yesterday and the depression nearly drove me to extinction if you know what I mean. I survived. Do I go back to the house against her wishes? She did not stay in the house last night. I do expect legal separation papers shortly based on her comments. Thoughts?
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I told Family on Friday night including an age appropriate witht the ten year old. That exposure hurt him terribly and I would not do it if I had the chance to do it over. The involvement of the child seems to have been WW's last straw. WW leaves with kids to go to mother's house. Calls and asks me to leave the house on Saturday. "I don't love you, I have never been happy, etc., etc." Followed by I want a separation and divorce. I left the house Yesterday and the depression nearly drove me to extinction if you know what I mean. I survived. Do I go back to the house against her wishes? She did not stay in the house last night. I do expect legal separation papers shortly based on her comments. Thoughts? Just go home. There is no reason to leave your home. Tell her if she wants to separate, she can leave.......without the kids.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I left the house Yesterday Thoughts?
WW says "JUMP !"
You jump.
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Why did YOU leave. YOU are not the one betraying your spouse and children. So what if she is "hurting" over exposure. Just remember all you did was tell the truth. BTW, your 10 year old child would be more damaged by lies about his life than the truth.
Last edited by faithful follower; 02/22/10 12:45 PM.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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HT, the important thing is to assure her you will not cooperate with any separation schemes. If she files on you, tell her you will counterfile on grounds of adultery and have the OM hauled into court to give testimony. [if you are in a fault state, that is] Let her know you would go for full custody of the children and possession of the house in the event of a separation.
That will cool her jets ASAP. Just don't REACT to her anger and she should calm down. She is just mad that you exposed her fantasy, that is ok. She will get over it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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HT, the important thing is to assure her you will not cooperate with any separation schemes. If she files on you, tell her you will counterfile on grounds of adultery and have the OM hauled into court to give testimony. [if you are in a fault state, that is] Let her know you would go for full custody of the children and possession of the house in the event of a separation.
That will cool her jets ASAP. Just don't REACT to her anger and she should calm down. She is just mad that you exposed her fantasy, that is ok. She will get over it. I think this deserves its own thread since it seems to be a fairly common problem for MEN. About once a month a newcomer will show up here who has left his own home at the behest of a wayward wife in an active affair. She asks him to leave so she can have space� and think about the marriage.
The poor devastated soul usually believes that appeasing her will save his marriage. It is the EXACT OPPOSITE. She is asking him to move out so she can carry on her affair without his interference.
Moving out only serves to ENABLE the affair at the expense of his own marriage and children's security. The WW is now free to carry on her affair from the safety and comfort of her own home. It is not uncommon for her to actually INVITE the OM into the home and introduce him to the children.
She often has fantasies of replacing you with the OM. Of course, the BS is still paying the mortgage so he is, in effect, not only enabling the affair but FINANCING it. Otherwise known as the ContributeToYourOwnDemise Program.
Some reasons why moving out is dangerous:
1. It enables the affair
2. It is viewed as abandonment by many courts
3. Separation INCREASES the risk of divorce and impedes chances of recovery [you cannot recover if you aren't there!]
4. Many men on this very forum have had to get COURT ORDERS just to get back into their own homes
5. Children are exposed to affair partner, which is morally confusing and increases the odds they will be sexually molested/abuse
6. It is DEVASTATING to children! Your children need you now more than ever. You are ALL THEY HAVE since their mother’s brain has been abducted by aliens.
In short, moving out is always a huge mistake unless it is to effect Plan B.
I am always baffled about why men will do this, because a woman would never consider sacrificing her own home and her children because her husband was in an affair and wanted some space.
The only way I would leave is if my husband's pistol was BIGGER than mine! Even at that, I am a better shot than him, so that might not even do it. It might take a SWAT TEAM!
If your wayward wife asks you to move out so she can have space,suggest she either go in the bathroom and shut the door or be a gentleman and clean out a corner in your garage for her. But, whatever you do, DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME, GUYS!!
If you have fallen for this manipulation tactic and left your home, don't despair. The mistake is usually easily corrected by packing your bag and GOING HOME NOW. No warning, no nothing. Just get in the car and go home and move right back into your OWN BED. When you walk in simply say "HI HONEY, I AM HOME!!" and give her a smile and a peck on the cheek. If she objects tell her you live there and intend to stay. SMILE.
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Of course your son was hurt by the affair. But you did the right thing in telling him. Often, even very young children know about an affair, or that something inappropriate is happening, and they are stuck keeping an awful secret. They want to protect the BS by not telling, but also feel horrible for NOT telling. What a terrible thing to do to a child, but it happens frequently.
At least now your son can talk about what is happening in his life, without fear.
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At least now your son can talk about what is happening in his life, without fear.
YOU are the sane parent, to whom your child can turn to with his fears/feelings/anger/.... everything.
You become the patent who will not lie to your son.
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I am going to reiterate what everyone else is telling you. Go back home. Don't worry about telling your 10 year old.
In my case, at the moment, my DSx2 are the only soldiers against my WH's affair. I didn't recruit them, and I don't tell them what to do. All I did was teach them right from wrong and tell them the truth. DS7 even told me one time, "But Daddy can't have a girlfriend, he is married to you. We should call the judge and have Daddy put in jail for not following the rules." He is 7 and he gets it.
Just explain to your son the truth about the sitch. Kids always know that something is amiss. They might as well know the truth because their imaginations can create something way worse.
Your WW is just mad because she wanted to keep this A in affairland and not have it interfere with her reality. Now she has to deal with consequences. Good. Keep up the good work.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Thank you for all the support. I am barely surviving by the hour, and am expecting the worst. She is hiding my ten year old from me. Very hard on me. Thining about going to school and asking for him but very fearful of consequences. He is all I have now.
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Don't go to school. Move back home, and avoid any confrontations - you might want to have a tape recorder on you. Sometimes WS's will pick fights or lie just to get rid of you with a restraining order. Be calm and cool.
She is angry right now, but will cool down. If she continues hiding your son, go to family court and petition for contact.
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Move back home.
She won't want to "hide" at her parents or elsewhere with a 10 year old for very long. That's just too much disruption for everyone. It messes with her space, his space, the get up and get to work/school schedule, the after school routine.
I lived at a girlfriend's house with my children for a week or two when my first marriage dissolved, because I feared for my safety if I stayed in the marital home. They were delightful people, gave us an entire bedroom and empty dresser and a bathroom to ourselves.. and it was still a royal PITA.
Move home. She'll show up eventually. I'd reckon before the weekend.
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Oh, just rereading one of your posts. Are you certain the OM died? Just seems kind of convenient.
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No, nuking was not a mistake. Leaving was. You have heard this from several on this board.
My niece was asked by her H to move out (with child) so he could "have space, think about our marriage", all the blah, blah, of WS talk. She did not have any education about affairs, WS, etc. as you see on these boards.
Guess what? He was in an A and it made it easier for the A to continue. Now he could bring the OW to his home with his daughter to meet while she visited her dad.
When it came to separation/divorce, the husband pulled out the ,"You abandoned me" card. She was shocked.
So, you are hearing the best advice here. She should leave if anyone leaves, not you. An she does not get your son.
When we exposed to our daughters, they already knew something was wrong. One daughter had already figured out who the OW was.
That daughter said before exposure was hell because she saw what I was going through and "I went right through it all with Mom."
The older daughter said she never again wanted a secret. She wanted to know what was going on and not be blindsided.
It is good you exposed. Even when my H and I told our children together, he minimized and omitted. They didn't know, from what he was telling them, that it was A on his part we were talking about. They didn't understand until I said more. My H did not come clean. He didn't want to "uncover" the OW. His thoughts were more about protecting her than his own children (unfortunately a commom WS practice.)
They yelled at him, "quit beating around the bush, spit it out, Dad!" Even after that he didn't make it clear, I had to.
You need access to your son. If he only hears from your wife, who is in the "fog", he will become as distorted as she it.
Go home. Stay home. Tell her SHE betrayed the family, not you. You get to stay in the home you honor, not her.
You must know from reading these boards that letting the A hit the light of day and letting the WS deal with her A on a daily basis with only the OM (no cake eating) can often bring a reality adjustment to the situation.
Don't buffer her from the consequences of her actions. You just duck expecting flak - you burst her bubble. She will rant and rave for awhile. Don't be surprised if she serves you.
You and your son must live together.
Get counseling for you and your son.
My children both had ongoing counseling for a while and still do occasionally when things come up. It has been less than 2 years DDay for them.
BS -me 69 WS - him 68
Married 40 years
OW - "daughter" added to family 1/05 for "Fathering healing" - 26 years younger
EA 1/05 - 12/07 PA 8/07 - 12/07
NC 1/08
DDay March 30, 2008
Separation Feb. 17, 2010 two days before our 33 anniversary
DDs 31, 25
WH served me for divorce Sept. 18, 2014
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It was not a mistake to do what you needed to do.
It was a shame that she took actions in her life that required you to reveal the truth to your precious child.
She did the actions. You reported the facts of her actions.
Your child is undoubtedly very appalled and wants to believe his mommy is what a mommy should be....selfless and putting her family first. She goofed on that.
The truth will be assimilated by your child with time. He will be a stronger person knowing the truth in his life than faux facts and gaps of knowledge.
Your WW blew it....you did not.
They do all get incredibly pissed when their adultery is revealed. It isn't a pretty, fantasy thing at that point and they don't like having others know.
Let is roll off you.
Love your child and offer him support but do not harp on it with him.
Do not feel like you erred. It was a dreadful task that needed to be done.
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Thank you for all the support. I am barely surviving by the hour, and am expecting the worst. She is hiding my ten year old from me. Very hard on me. Thining about going to school and asking for him but very fearful of consequences. He is all I have now. Absent any custody orders or orders of protection, there is nothing limiting your interaction with kids. Absent an order of protection or custody orders, there are no consequences of seeing your kids at their school.
Me BH 49 WXW 50
Married 1998
DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08
Divorce Final 3/19/2009
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I think you did the right thing. When I exposed, my wife went nuts. She went to a lawyer and threatened harassment. She is still mad about it. But, it gained me a lot of allies. A lot of people believed the bull she was spreading before. Now, even her family turned against her. She quickly went into damage control but it was too late.
Don't move out of the house. My wife threatened she would leave too. She still might, but I've been here for 43 days since exposing and she is still here making my life miserable in withdrawal. Don't give into her threats. Try to be better than me and not let her drag you into an argument.
I believe in honesty and integrity. My wife, and yours, are angry because they prefer the lie that allows them to be the poor incident victim of a bad marriage, not the bad guy. At first I thought I should protect her reputation, but remember, at this point she has no respect for you and will not appreciate that gesture. It will only enable the affair.
Chin up man. This is rough. We know. It will get better. It will probably get worse before then so come here for support.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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One suggestion I did that was a huge help to me. I went to Dr. and told him of my marrriage troubles. Asked for a temporary prescription, something mild, for anxiety.
Takes the edge off, helps you think clearly, avoids angry outburst and love busters. Just temporary. You won't regret this.
BH Age 45
WW Age 44
M 20 yrs
Son 14 yrs
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YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO GO TO SCHOOL AND SEE YOUR SON
YOU ARE HIS FATHER
YOU.....ARE NOT THE ONE CHEATING
All that said don't use your son as a pawn stay on the High Road
What ever the WW says or does your son will see thru it ....Trust him he'll want to be with you and if the WW tries to poison him he'll push away from her and you will win in the end...
Last edited by stillcommitted; 02/23/10 01:52 AM.
Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
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Your children are not your W's property. Never have been, never will be.
They are your children and you are 100% responsible for their welfare.
Make sure, no matter what, that you are in their lives. And taking care of their needs, emotionally and financially.
Chrysalis
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