Pat: your WW is acting nice because OM is back in her life. I saw this time and again throughout the 5 months WW lived in my house - when there was brief NC with OM, WW was just a general b*#&h. But when contact resumed, everyone was happy (except me).

Now, others may argue differently, and every situation is unique, but I filed first for two reasons: to protect my kids and to gain control.

I'm in CA and when you file for divorce here, it immediately puts the relationship within the jurisdiction of the courts and provides certain protections. For me, the most important was that WW could not remove my children from the state. My lawyer also said that by filing, any attempt to remove the children from their "home base" would be heavily frowned upon by a judge and I could easily get them back.

Secondly, filing first insured that I chose the court to file in and it forced WW to reply, rather than hit me off guard. I don't know about Texas, but in CA, WW will have 30 days (maybe more??) to reply to filing and if she doesn't she is in default, which can be bad for her.

To file or not is your choice, but this is why I did it. And to be honest, the more time I spend away and the closer I get to the final decree, the better I feel. Some women just aren't worth it...my WW is one of them.

her parents wont speak to her, not the other way. I know she could put in for temporary custody and all, but agin, the situation is that she needs me for her job. Trust me, she has no intention of filing for primary custody. If she did that, she knows I would beat her over the head (not literaly)hire an attorney and go for custody myself. I really don't have anything to lose right now and it also gives me time to shore up the job sitch. Finding a decent full time job can only help, so if she files later, I have an even better chance if she fights me. I know and appreciate whatyou all are saying and you're right, she could be back with him. Right now that is a secondary problem. Getting my life in order and then doing what's best for the kids is all that really matters right now.

Just keep in mind that if you do get a job that is out of state, she may file to keep you and the kids around, if she can (not sure if it works that way in TX or not). WW are unpredictable, so best to be prepared for any situation. Good luck.

BTW, some people on this post are giving you a hard time. I think you're doing the absolute best you could do. Stick to the high road and in the end you will come out the best man, no matter what happens.

Are you assisting her in avoiding the domestic violence charges?
Are you retracting your story or writing a letter to assist her?

Yes Lexxxy....he is assisting her. He's in plan doormat....

Plan Doormat is no place to be.

Plan A or Plan B, dude. This in-between junk you're embracing is a one-way ticket on the D train. You just don't know where you're getting off.

Hello?
For the last time. The domestic charges are no "ace" in the hole. It does not guarentee ANYTHING.

She is going to get her sentancing taken "under advisement"- that means if she completes all her P.O. sessions, and goes to whatever program is directed, her record will be erased.

Pat can help with a letter, but there will be many other character whitnesses, too. She is entitled, and they will be produced. That is the way the system goes.

Now if she had other arrests, assults, DV things it would be different, but this situation alone is not the smoking gun you all think it is.

Namecalling is not going to help him, the truth and a good atty are.

While it may or may not be the "ace" in the hole, him writting the letter and assisting her in any way to get the charges dismissed is nothing more than telling her what she did was OKAY....... It does nothing more than ENABLE her to do it again.

Only next time Pat may not be her target, it may be one of her kids.....

YOUR advice Barbie, is nothing but fool hearty thinking.....it does Pat a great disservice

And telling Pat that he is in Plan Doormat is not name-calling. It is telling him what he refuses to see........

Not2fun

My thoughts exactly N2F! I think Barbie is a little to close to this situation due to her own arrest. There was no name calling and Pat helping his looney tunes WW get off is plan doormat. Period.

Barbie is right. As the charges were pretty minor, it won't be a shoo in for automatic custody. Most states go by the best interest of the kids which are anywhere from 7-14 factors which is a score card. Evidence of domestic violence is but one of the factors. Thus, Patriot's WW would lose on that factor if it went to court. Now, if Patriot's WW was convicted of a felony level offense against Patriot, it would be a slam dunk for him.

Attached is a link to a recent case in the Delaware State Supreme Court where minor DV was at issue. It also gives a good overview of the custody factors.


Delaware State Supreme Court Cases

Oh sure. PLAN doormat is different from saying someone is a doormat. That makes perfect sense, ok.

What I am saying is reality. I still VOULENTEER at the shelter for women in Oakland. (I have a great R.E.B.T. lesson) I have heard many stories, real stories from real women (they keep the men and ladies seperate)on BOTH sides of the DV "fence". First offences usually boil down to the same end results.

This has only been 7 weeks. Pat should set personal boundries and enforce them, he has stated a few times that he does not believe his wife to be a further threat. He has to learn the MB principles and apply them as he feels appropriate.

MS, my arrest was of a totaly different situation. There are many, MANY BS here on this site who have acted out against a WS, thank you.

Thank you, PSUB.

There isn't a huge difference in who files first in a divorce. Patriot just needs to keep his antenae up. If his WW starts to make moves to move the kids out, he can file putting an injunction on everything and aggressively get her and the kids back into the jurisdiction.

Wow, such a spirited response. I agree with all points (if possible) yes, I am being a doormat, but no, I am not being stupid. Let her wipe her feet until I get to work, then Plan B or D. I have new reasons to believe he is back and I am really not that concerned. 1. Get a job. 2. Put her out. That's it. If I start rocking the boat now, the kids suffer. Keep the peace, let her have her jollys then close this chapter. She has no family support or anything else through this, so the heck with her. What's sad is I am not all that bothered by this anymore. Ya, I wanted it to work out, but the price is getting way to steap. She's not going anywhere or doing anything. She thinks I'm her "doormat" which I kind of am. But as they say, kick a dog enough times, it's eventually going to bite you. She'll get hers in due time.

Although the DV charge will not do anything in real impact against your WW's case for custody, your willingness to help her through this sitch speaks VOLUMES.

You have stated in your own words that you have comforted her telling her that you two will get this over with together and then move on. Did she not then try to get YOU arrested???? Did I misunderstand that the ONLY reason that you didn't get arrested was as a direct result of the excellent advice that you received and followed on here? Do you remember posting this on Feb 3rd?
Now you are going to choose NOT to listen to the advice given to you and you are going to get yourself where? If you want to know where you will be, I am sure there are many people who can tell you and it is not good.

I believe that there is a FINE line between Plan A and Plan DOORMAT. What side of the line do you think you fall on? Prove that with some examples. There are many examples that the vets can come up with that are sometimes following a Plan Doormat or a NO-Plan Plan.

Seriously, there are many good people on here who are spending some of their time trying to help you. This is free advice and sometimes you get what you paid for, but there are many others on here that are worth way more.

What do you want to do? What is your PLAN? What steps are you taking to meet your objectives? Where do you need help in getting to your objectives? Do you just want YES MEN to tell you that you are great and keep up the good work even if it's not what they truly believe? How will you ever grow as a person? Will you be able to look at your children in 20 years and tell them that you did everything you possibly could to save your marriage to their mother?

I don't remember where I read an article about what happens to children who are raised by single mothers. It was EYE OPENING for sure. I wish my WH had read it. I will give you a brief synopsis of what it said. Boys who are raised in a home by a single parent, being only their mother, are more likely to become drug addicts. They are more likely to be in prison. They are also almost 85% more likely to commit suicide.

Now what about the fact that your WW is in a fog and not thinking clearly about your children or their welfare at all?

GET A PLAN. STICK TO IT. ASK FOR ADVICE IN ACCOMPLISHING YOUR DAILY GOALS.

Good luck.

Ok, if this is true, then you should KNOW from experience that this.....


is what ALL victims say at one point or another......

You ADVOCATE that he go forward with his idiotic plan to HELP get these charges reduce. Is this what you advocate to those you are helping when you do your volenteer work??

Further more, this is NOT about using these charges to get a better outcome IF a divorce happens and custody is disputed. It is about holding his wife RESPONSIBLE for her actions. It is NOT responsible to throw crap and break things in a temper tantrum. It is NOT responsible to issue DEATH threats in front of YOUR children. And it is NOT responsible to give this man advice to go ahead and write this letter and drop the charges......I find it quite appauling that this has been even SUGGESTED on here. As if Pat, as a BS, hasn't had enough abuse.

It does not matter if this has only been going on for 7 weeks. It does not matter if he hasn't done a great Plan A.....what MATTERS is doing right by his children and HIS wife....and the RIGHT thing to do is let her face the consequences of her actions....IN THE COURTROOM


I was one of those, and I will tell you (AND you will find this in my thread during the time it happened.....) that I was NOT pleased with my actions. I was APPAULED. In fact, I was so EMBARRASSED I called my MIL the next day and APOLOGIZED to her for my actions against her son. Actions that happened when I found my H and OW going into his condo together after 4 1/2 months of severe gaslighting.....I cannot even FATHOM putting passing it off as no big deal, even IF my actions were warrented at the time.....

not2fun

Why are you so angry? Yes, I help at a shelter. Also have donated children's and my clothes, would you like to see the reciepts?


I am not commenting about how I felt, how I feel about or my reflections/actions about my arrest. For you to assume so is not appropriate. I was posting my very painful experience as a help, and I am not happy with the way it is being thrown back at me. My situation is in my past.

I do not remember advising him to write a letter or not to write a letter. I was just telling the what I know from listening to my mother, who worked as a accountant in a atty firm for over 25 years-- in a very, very small town. Plus my expereince.

If anyone wants to ask me about it, and really wants infomation or help, I will kindly give it. If it is just thrown around to attempt to disgrace or humiliate, well, I have had enough of that.

I am only trying to help Pat. His wife has an arrest. She will be held accountable, unless there is a full dismiss.sp? and that I doubt will happen.
I know DV is a hot button to many people and I apologise if it triggers some. It is Pat's reality now.

Pat needs to set boundries and know what is really going to happen. I have no idea if his wife is going to continue to be abusive or not. I hope she has learned.

I do not counsel any person. I lead a positive discussion, and give general support that's about it.

I am sorry, I do not know how to consolidate this better. I never said he should or should not write the letter. I told him to expect it. I also said he should stick with his descison, and not try to use the letter as a barganing tool for other things. I clearly stated that if he was going to not write the letter, if this was a different descision from his first, that he should tell his wife right away, and stick to THAT descision.

Sorry this is long. Know what? I am here to help and follow MB principles for myself.