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Take it or leave it  Waywards have a notoriously SHORT attention span so you pretty much have to make your point and run. Dear husband,
This is a difficult letter for me to write. As I am writing this letter I remember the time when you went out of your way to find the Hallmark kissing bears that I wanted and create Valentine's in July for us. You were hurt and angered by the way I had been treated by S and wanted to do something special to show me that our relationship would be different. I am writing this letter it with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. When you read it please know that it is from the bottom of my heart.
It has become evident that our M has suffered due to neglect by both of us. While striving to pay off debt and meet the needs of our family we have missed meeting each other's needs. I sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that hurt our relationship. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you the support you needed many times. I want to do whatever I can to work together to create a marriage that we both enjoy and want to be a part of. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband.
I can commit to a marriage based on honesty, openness and mutual respect and care for the other's well-being. I can commit to marriage with you on those terms - I cannot commit to a marriage on terms other than those.
I have thought about my mistakes and I am willing to work hard to correct them and create a new life for both of us that will meet both our needs. I cannot continue to do that until you end yYour relationship with OW and all other relationships and emotional commitments and anything else which requires you to maintain a secret second life that takes away from our relationship is causing me unbearable pain and destroying the love I once felt for you., for once and for all. I love you and I want our marriage to work but in order to preserve my love for you I am no longer able to maintain contact with you.
I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. I have written a plan below for you to maintain contact with C. If you need to contact me, please do so through my mom she will pass on any important messages to me.
* Sunday night- C at my home
* Monday Night- C at my home
* Tuesday Night- C at my home
* Wednesday night- C at your home, I will drop him off at daycare and you may pick him up
* Thursday night- C at your home
* Friday night- C at your home
* Saturday night- C at my home- You may drop him off at my mom's home at 3pm. each Saturday.
I will be seeking counsel on how to best protect C financially, specifically child support and how to set that up.
I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With God's help, our true healing can begin.
I want to grow old with you. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.
I will know that you have made that commitment when you let me know, through IM, that the following conditions are met:
* Maintain no contact with OW for life
* Finish reading SAA
* Admittance that you were involved in an emotional affair
* Full confession with a willingness to answer any questions I may have that will help "fill- in" the details.
* Willingness to be transparent in providing full disclosure of all email and phone accounts along with disclosing the passwords to each account.
Your loving wife,
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RW,
Can you post the exact questions that were asked on the poly word for word? I don't remember seeing the questions posted by you. If I missed it then sorry. I'd like to see the exact word for word questions if you have them.
Mindshare I'm not sure I still have the exact questions that were asked. I dealt with the poly examiner over the phone and wrote the questions on a sticky note. I will try and find this. I usually have a good memory but this whole situation has me out of whack. They were something like have you ever had any sexual contact with anyone other than your W since you've been married. Have you ever had any sexual contact with OW? and I can't remember the third right now. I'm sure I messed up the exact wording but all of the questions dealt with sexual activity. None referring to whether he was in active contact with OW.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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You're not crazy.
Your WH is blame shifting. Glad to know I'm not crazy. I have been asking myself this question all day. A friend of mine said she agreed with WH that why would I want to see records from 2 years ago and just request them from the point that he was supposed to have no contact. I'm sooo tired of this drama. I have always been the person to walk away when too much drama ensued in a situation. This time I can't just walk away...
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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He needs a good 2x4, that's what he needs. I really wish I can smack him with one sometimes...
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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RW,
My best guess is that WH confided something to OW in emails from work that he doesn't want you to know about. Perhaps invovlement with someone before you were married? I don't want to speculate to much because I don't want your mind racing to fill in the blanks. It just seems pretty evident that he has something significant to hide from you or he wouldn't mind you seeing.
Mindshare
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Thanks all for your replies. I appreciate your input.
WH just sent me an email to say he won't be right home after work today. With no explanation of where he is going. When the heat is on he tends to run. He knows that I know he is hiding something.
turtlehead I will take your suggestions on shortening the letter.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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RW,
My best guess is that WH confided something to OW in emails from work that he doesn't want you to know about. Perhaps invovlement with someone before you were married? I don't want to speculate to much because I don't want your mind racing to fill in the blanks. It just seems pretty evident that he has something significant to hide from you or he wouldn't mind you seeing.
Mindshare Mindshare my thoughts exactly. I'm thinking that it's something that he shared with her that he doesn't want me to know. Believe it or not he used to be a man who valued honesty, and transparency.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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I forgot to add that WH didn't want the coaching session to interfere with his work schedule so we kept it for Friday.
I did however send Steve an email. Hopefully he will have time to respond to me.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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I did however send Steve an email. Hopefully he will have time to respond to me. Good RW. Good job. Keep your head up! You are NOT crazy! We know how you feel. Once you understand MB concepts you can see how crazy it is to 'sweep things under the rug' as so many people do when they attempt recovery. That approach won't get you back to a healthy marriage. You are smart enough to know that.
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I talked with Steve and he said that he didn't think it was a good time for me to leave yet since we had made some progress. I had already put in the application for the apartment.
Steve gave me a suggestion on now to approach WH with the subject of the emails. He did say that he thought I should go ahead and request them.
Am I being too sensitive here? I hadn't been to the grocery store and our pantry is low so I had asked WH if he wanted me to cook dinner since he was going to his coworker's house. He said no, I tried to stop by the grocery store on my way home but DS wasnso cranky I figured I'd wait until later. WH got home with food for himself only. I of course was hungry since I hadn't had dinner nor lunch today. Little thoughtless things like that irritate me to no end. It made me so upset, I'm not sure if he will ever stop being so selfish.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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I asked WH about what exactly is his concern with me seeing the emails and his response was that me reading word for word what he said to OW will not help us to move forward.
I responded to him "That's your opinion" and once again said that it WILL help me to know whether the emails will confirm what he has told me about their involvement and confirm that he ended contact with OW.
I told him that if the shoe was on the other foot I would willingly print off all of my emails and hand them over for him to read.
This was his response:
"It's not my opinion, it's real that if you see that I tell her she's attractive in emails it will not help us. It's just this simple, well not simple, actually it's hard b/c I adore DS more than anything in the world but if it goes to the point that you actually order emails and read through them, I see no reason we should even try to move forward. And as painful as it will be to do it, I'll just move out and whatever happens just happens. All those "questions" you have will not help you to forgive me or "move on" like you think they will.
And if the shoe is on the other foot, no I wouldn't want to know the details."
He still doesn't get it. I will let it go and leave it for our call with Steve on Friday.
I has still went ahead with the apartment app before I spoke with Steve. I did send in the request for the emails as Steve advised me yesterday. I guess it's good that I have the apt. so when WH finds out that I sent the request and if he wants to make good on his threat to split because of it I will have a place to go.
I'm begining to hate WH and I have lost so much respect for him that I'm wondering if this is even reparable. The fact that he doesn't want to be forthcoming with information doesn't help. I'm so hurt, angry, sad, and whatever else that I want to just crawl in a hole and die. I see my IC on Friday too btw, hopefully she can help me make sense of what has become my life.
Last edited by RedsWife; 02/23/10 11:18 AM.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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This was his response:
"It's not my opinion, it's real that if you see that I tell her she's attractive in emails it will not help us. It's just this simple, well not simple, actually it's hard b/c I adore DS more than anything in the world but if it goes to the point that you actually order emails and read through them, I see no reason we should even try to move forward. And as painful as it will be to do it, I'll just move out and whatever happens just happens. All those "questions" you have will not help you to forgive me or "move on" like you think they will.
And if the shoe is on the other foot, no I wouldn't want to know the details." If all that is in those emails is what he has already told you then how is it going to hurt you any further? You already have heard about it and been stung by that pain. Once again, it seems like WH has something else to hide. There must be something else in there he doesn't want you to read. So much so, that he is threatening to leave you if you proceed with the request. Seems like a last ditch desperate threat to try to keep you from the truth. He's also full of crapola when he says that he wouldn't want to know if the shoe was on the other foot. Easy to say when it's not your reality to live. Lack of empathy and wanting to comfort you through this is still concerning. I hope Steve can get thorugh to him soon or you will need that Plan B to preserve whatever love you have left and it sounds like that is dwindling. Sorry for your pain RW!!! We are here for you! ((((RW))))
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I responded to him "That's your opinion" Next time, try "Sorry, but I do not agree. I am the sole authority on what's best for me." I told him that if the shoe was on the other foot I've learned to never try that approach with someone in a WS-state of mind. They will just twist it to their benefit, like he did.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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I've been keeping my cool ever since I really learned what I was supposed to be doing in Plan A. I'm so upset right now that I don't think I can go home and fill this man's need for admiration or anything else. I've gotten really controlled with the AOs and better with SDs, am still learning on the DJs. I will avoid love busting but I don't think I'll be working to fill his love bank at all today.
I told WH that threatening to leave me is pretty serious business and that he will just have to take an hour off work to make the appt. Our appointment is moved to tomorrow morning. Which is good because I had already sent the letter and I want us to talk with Steve before WH finds out about it.
I'm really interested now to find out what he's hiding that he's willig to just walk away than to stay and deal with our issues.
I'm not a person who easily accepts defeat and I wonder if this is the only reason why I am fighting so hard for my marriage. I'm not sure I love him.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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I responded to him "That's your opinion" Next time, try "Sorry, but I do not agree. I am the sole authority on what's best for me." I told him that if the shoe was on the other foot I've learned to never try that approach with someone in a WS-state of mind. They will just twist it to their benefit, like he did. Thanks MiM, that's definitely a better way I could have responded to him.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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I am trying to get caught up on your thread. A lot has happened!
I am 2+yrs into R and my H just tried to gaslight me about an O&H issue and trying to talk to him about it was like banging my head on a brick wall. Each conversation w/him was a drain on my LB$ because he was just so foggy in his thinking on that issue...he needed to hear it from a third party (SH). So I agree it's a good idea to just wait to see if Steve can get through to him.
Just remember you haven't done anything wrong here. I know when you are being gaslit it can really shake your confidence and make you question yourself. The issue is actually simple, your H needs to be 100% O&H about everything and that includes the past if he wants this Recovery to happen. That's your boundary, and the advice of the Harleys, the experts here.
Your H is lucky you are giving him a chance to pull his head out of his a$$. in the words of MrW, no matter what happens with your M, you WILL make it. Hang in there....
{{{{RW}}}}}
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Thanks SusieQ. I shouldn't be surprised by anything that comes out of WH's mouth but I'm shocked that he's willing to leave over this.
I'm going to try and think about other things for the rest of the day.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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I don't know that WH would actually leave over this. It is more likely that he is trying to manipulate you by scaring you in to thinking he might. Especially since he used your DS in it as well to try to tug at your heart strings.
I think that now you HAVE to see those records. It is now something that is going to bother you until you know for sure what is in those emails. It may be that he said some horrible things about you. He may have told her that she is the only person he truly loved, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
We know that WS's lie to BS but they also lie to OP. There isn't too many OP who would go along with, "I love my wife dearly and I will never leave her, but we can still knock boots." WH may think that what he said to her will get you super pissed but he doesn't realize that you already are.
About not being able to fill the ENs right now. Try. Really TRY. It is so hard, but remember that you have done all of this work and went through all of this pain and you don't want to regret not having done everything you possibly could have.
Thinking of you.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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He's not willing to leave. He won't leave. He might if he's stubborn to the point of being stupid (which he might be, we all know someone that is), but my guess is that he is almost certainly trying to manipulate you and control you.
Think of exposure, and how the WS almost always says "That's it, I'm done. There is no way we can reconcile after what you did to me."
This sounds exactly the same to me. He knows he's about to be exposed and he's just reciting the script. Ignore him. It's all bluster and show.
Focus on your session w/Steve tomorrow and your serene Plan B just waiting for you. If all you can do is keep your LBs under control then do that. LBs are a lot more powerful than EN-meeting. You want to exit WH's life and enter your plan B as a goddess, not a hag. Sounds like PlanB can't come soon enough for you.
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Thanks Scotland and turtle, I can't even wrap my mind around why he would threaten to leave over this. He said that he's not keeping secrets and that me seeing the details will not help us move forward.
The more he fights this the more I wonder what is in those emails. i have to try and find some peace because right now I don't even have any.
Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10
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