very good advice. As always, PSBU, too.

Thank you everyone here. I appreciate the comments.
As of now, I am in the house. WW continues denial etc. "I don't care what you read in a book. Telling our ten year old our issues is wrong. You did not protect him. I did nothng wrong (deny, deny)."
For those of you who have read other posts. Yes one other man is dead but some evidence indicates that there was one other.
Its interesting how WW (and I still like to think of her as wonderful and gentle because she once was and I would like to hope that she will be again some day)tells me how selfish I am to ask for one hour of her time on saturday night to go out to dinner. She really said that this morning. I know she is focused on studying but the extreme is just incredible. I held my tongue and let her vent on me this morning even though I wanted to say "for the immediate future I will be supportive of you no matter how insensitive, mean, selfish, disrespectful and calculating you are." Thought better of it. Considered a text but let that go.
I also got "I will never forgive you or get over you doing this to our son." BUT for the moment she has agreed that I can be in the house and curiously, the "rash" that was keeping her from wearing her wedding ring very often for the past few months appears to have gone away because she has been wearing it the last three days.
The couch is not very comfortable but it is better than a hotel bed....
I have made it very clear in gentle conversation that if she files that I will retire to a much lower paying form of employment (it may be time anyway) before the decree is finalized so that I do not become a slave to my high stress long hour job. And that is factual and not a bluff.
This is the toughest thing I have ever done in my adult life.
Its amazing also that I feel more closure to the 1st affair now that its obvious that there are consequences even if she wants to say "just friends" to family and blame me for her needing a friend.
I don't feel vindicated, but there is a sense that she is learning there are consequences for behavior. It was sad to find out that my ten year old son knew the 1st man who died.
I do believe the grief my ten year old expressed for hours and hours afterward may have made her for the first time recognize the trauma she has created although she wants to blame me. I guess my defenses kept me from recognizing that yelling was wrong are similar to her defenses now.
I feel very insecure right now and I think she has done a great job of defending herself with her family. Both families are telling both of us to get away from the other now (polarization). I guess its day by day now. I am honestly on the brink but because for the moment things are not over, I feel better. I just hope I can be strong enough if things go sour.
I spent two hours on homework with my ten year old last night.
That was good.
?Back to plan A now? What next?

Sleep in YOUR own bed.
If wife choses not to join you, she may use the couch.

Don't make any big announcement.
Tonight, go to bed before she does.

"Well, I'm off to dreamland. Good night."

No discussion.
No arguments.
Just go to bed.

Why are you on the couch? You've done nothing wrong. Let her sleep on the couch if she doesn't want to sleep with you. Consequences.

Also while it is good you are not lovebusting when she berates you, you don't have to take her abuse. Smile and leave the room, put on headsets, whatever. You don't want to take the chance of being goaded into LBs (which will make her feel justified in treating you badly) and it will send a clear message that while you want to recover your marriage, you are not a doormat.

Keep up the great work!

Ha, ha, Pep--great minds think alike.

You did the right thing!

Your child needed to know the truth about his own life. And he needs his only sane parent home w/ him.

The way to change your feelings of insecurity is by continuing to do the right things. Brave actions will make you feel stronger.

Moving back in your own bed is the next step.

You can't control what WW does. Or what your/her families think... so don't waste your time worrying about them.

Focus on your plan. What they choose to do won't affect it.

And seeing a doctor about getting on antidepressants is good advice!

You need to document events with a handwritten journal.
In ink.
Dated.
Complete with spelling errors.

This is NOT to journal your feelings/insecurities/etc.

It is to journal EVENTS only.
If you are going to write down part of a conversation, put it in quotation marks.

NOT ~~~> "WW was very upset."
THIS ~~~> WW said; "What are you doing in my bed?" (I was in our marital bed)
THIS ~~~> WW said; "How dare you. I hate you."



Also, document mundane events.

"Studied with (kid) for 2 hours. Did science project."

I agree, do NOT permit her to berate you.
If she begins, you hold up your hand and you say "STOP" I will not allow you to scream at me. If you can discuss differences without hostility, I will remain."

If she continues, go to a different part of the house, get a tape recorder, and begin collecting taped conversation evidence of her unwillingness to stop arguing in a hostile way.

HT, good grief, you do not need permission to stay in your own home. Nor should you be sleeping on the couch. Why in the world would you do that? Go get in your damn bed and tell her this is my bed, we are married, I love you and have no intention of going anywhere. I have done nothing wrong and won't be punished like a child.

HT, you need to buck up here and start being a leader in your family, my friend. Your family needs you to be STRONG in their greatest time of need. Right now, the leader is the emotions of a very angry, selfish tyrant. That is not helping your family and does a disservice to your boy to have to watch his dad crumble under the slightest pressure. Your reactions to her are not rational. She needs to see you in control of your emotions and with a plan in hand to save this marriage.

And no, don�t expect �gentle� from me when what you need is a smack upside the head to get a grip on yourself! Get a grip, my friend!

Definitely make an appointment w/ your doctor and get something to help you. Many betrayed spouses found that antidepressants really helped them get through this difficult time.

Please call your doctor.

HT,
You are starting to do better. Congratulations on moving back into the house and for telling your child the truth. You have begun to regain and assert your strength. Like the other posters said, your next step is to return to the marital bed. If she has a problem with it, she can sleep on the couch. Like I said, you are starting to do better, but you still have some thought processes that need to be adjusted, mainly the idea that you need her sanction to live your life as a married man should.

Remember that there are no guarantees that any of this will turn out how you want, so act in accordance with how a strong man should and do the right thing by your children. Set the right example for them on how to not accept abuse.

Have you bought yourself a digital recorder yet? You MUST MUST MUST do this. It is common for WWs to claim abuse to get you removed from the home. Protect yourself against false accusations. Read Patriot45s thread to see how it should be done.

Best wishes.

Last night I slept in my own bed with the cocker spaniel in between us. My WW is just ANGRY and the rage is clear on her face. I am at times torn between regret about my love buster behavior in the process of exposure (I should not have had to get angry to do it) and my past episodes of yelling. I can almost track those episodes to every three months. But I cannot change the past....
You are all right. There will be no guarantees ever. It is so amazing to see her wearing the wedding ring after her not wearing it very often for so many months. I would love to interpret that as some kind of commitment but it might also be that she is doing it because she knows it upset me when she did not wear it and now she is afraid of me. I do believe she is afraid of me. How much? Well, I suppose she stayed in the marriage along time before the A. Has she had enough? Who knows. For the moment I am in a much better frame of mind probably due to a doubling of my medication. The fear I had been feeling (constantly feeling threatened) is nearly all gone. What happens, happens. I did (as I so often have in our marriage) rub her feet for twenty minutes last night until she fell asleep. At least some form of human touch and something I have always enjoyed. I again worked on homework with my son last night and it was special.
I guess for the moment I just will try and give her as much space as she wants in the house. If I get served, well, worrying about it won't change that.
We had planned a ski trip starting March 6th through the 10th. I have pre-paid and I will not cancel it at this point. I have told her she really does not have to decide on that until next Friday evening. I will be prepared to quietly accept her decision not to go and just eat the money. If she does go, I won't try to do much other than play on skis with her. After the dose of antiD I have about as much interest in SF as I do in learning to speak Swahili (SP?) if you know where I am coming from. We started out as friends so I guess we could not go any lower until or if I am served.
It would be wonderful to become friends again but maybe I am just dreaming. Well, for the moment I have the strength to be gentle at home and I am throwing myself into work. I have seen a therapist every day this week and will now go to once every two or three days.
If you or your kids have ever played soccer you are familiar with the concept of Yellow Caution Cards and Red Cards. I gave my WW a set of yellow and red cards last night. I told her that if she ever wants me to leave her alone to hold up the yellow card and I will leave the room and not return for several hours. If she wants me to leave the house for a while she simply displays the red card. The idea (suggested by my own therapist) is that because I have been a college soccer referee that I will respond instantly to a visual versus verbal signal. In the past my upbringing and a lifetime of patterns had me engaging in an argument when I was verbally challenged. My soccer training should help me back away when she is angry or does not want to talk about things. This way I can hopefully avoid attempting to convince her to change which in the past has led to arguments. I cannot change her. I cannot continue to try and make the marriage work by myself. It has exhausted, frustrated and depressed me. Its all on the table now and the next step I think is hers. Thoughts?
In the meanwhile I will show respect for myself and do my best to act like a strong man. Funny what a woman can do to break down someone who once had the toughness to be a Marine. Or maybe just life events.
I hate to say it in some ways, but I am glad that I exposed my once wonderful, gentle wife who went wayward. For some reason I feel better. That is not something I will talk about with her now or perhaps ever. But it is true.
And for the first time in many months I am beginning to really focus at work. I feel a great weight off my shoulders but of course if she does file, that will be back....
Thanks everyone for the support.

hurtingturkey

Nice concept. I think preferable would have been Yellow Card = you shut up, Red Card = you leave the room (not applicable in the bedroom - think of that as inside the goal). No forcing you to leave the house or break your arrangement by holding up the Red Card whenever she wants to.

I just don't understand this at all. I mean I can understand the concept of the cards to stop potentially lovebusting behavior, but I think the required action from you should have been to end the conversation, and nothing more. For instance, yellow card means lower your voice or calm down. Red card means to stop the conversation.

You actually gave your fogged out WW a tool to kick you out of the house whenever she sees fit?

I think that though exposing is rough with having to be brave and actually do it THEN dealing with the hissing, spitting wayward dervish

it DOES help us feel better/stronger because we are not perpetuating a cruel, perverted secret and thereby being party to it.

YK?

Am I dreaming? Am I being set up? Who knows.
Last night I came home to a wife that expressed zero anger. She was asking about my day and delightedly telling me about hers. No she was not kissing me, hugging me or telling me she loved me. But there was a caring attitude that has been missing over the past year. Maybe several years. Again the wedding ring was on her finger and she spent some time with me before returning to her studying. That has not been there for a long, long time. I have been starving for that.
Absolutely starving.
I don't know what to think. I am afraid to speculate.
Can I hope that she is making a decision in favor of the marriage? Is she just settting me up for a bigger fall?
Yeah, I know, no guarantees.
Well, I know that I feel better. Situational? Maybe. Probably. But I feel much better than I have in many, many months.
But my guard remains in place, and I have to be ready to take a hit and survive.
For the moment I am allowing myself to enjoy last night's memory even if it is fleeting. I have to hold on to a little hope.

Hurtingturkey

HT,

Sounds good but don't be too optimistic. At least in my experience, she may just be up to something. Trust but verify. Continue your plan.

I really do hope it is authentic though.

I want to encourage you to do one thing that you must do. Man up, take a deep breath, and calm down.

All will be ok. No matter what happens, all will be ok. If she leaves you, you will be ok. If you divorce, you will be ok.

The number one thing that you MUST do, no matter what, is to be there for your son.

Your wife, no matter what she thinks, will can't keep your son from you. There is a lot of misperception and mis-information regarding rights as fathers.

For one thing, you could get a protective order in place that your son is not to be taken out of the marital home. Women in these situations feel they can dictate to fathers when and where they will see their children. They have no right to do this.

What you need to do is understand that short term losses mean long term gains. NOTHING prevents you from picking up your son from school, taking him home, and acting as if all was normal. She has no right to take him from his home and is in fact behaving in a way that shows she is using the child as a weapon and could backfire on her big time.

But you must be smart on this. You likewise can't be perceived as someone doing the same. Returning your son to your home is perfectly within your rights. There is no order that says otherwise.

The way to man up is to let HER understand that SHE is the one that messed up, not you. You are simply carrying on with your life. That means you will pick up your son and bring him to your house since it is your son's home. She can't accuse you of anything since you're bringing your son back to his home. So she has no case.

She'll throw a fit. She'll show up angry at the house and make a scene. This is where the tables get turned and you call the police. Use her sense of entitlement against her. If you live in a one party state for audio recording (check online) then you need to have a voice recorder for when she shows up. Catch her blaring her venom at you while you stay totally calm.

You are simply coming home and bringing your son home.

But what you need to do is counter-intuitive. Angering her means you're doing the right things.

Understand this is a message coming from a man that has had the depths of depression that you're going through. I too was on the edge.

You have a lot to live for. You may even be grateful someday that this woman is out of your life.

This card system your counselor suggested is crazy. SHE is the one who messed up! She's the one that should get the Red Card out of your house!

Why are you letting her control you?

A woman can't be with a man she can't respect. Right now you're on project doormat.

Man up. Quit letting her walk all over you.

An update. I guess I am writing because the support here helps me alot. Last night WW agreed to dinner. At least we had an hour of conversation. A little strained? Yes. But we got away togther and talked about the puppy my ten year old wants. For many years I could not even get my WW to go to dinner with me. At the moment she states her family is afraid of me (guess I have lost the support of my Mother in law now). Well, my family tells me my WW is a coniving (sp?) and heartless and selfish. I guess when the families get involved polarization is inevitable. This morning on the way to work (I am throwing myself into work to keep my mind off of things) I talked to my WW and she seems to want to keep our vacation plan to go skiing by ourselves for a few days starting next weekend. I see that as a plus. She has final exams in nursing school this week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. When my WW told me that her family is afraid because of my love buster yelling which happened last weekend when I exposed (and I have a history of yelling but this was the first time since October last year)I calmly told my WW that my family feels she is mean, selfish and coniving - taking my income and emotionally abandoning me. She wanted to know who in my family said that so I told her. All of this was done by both of us very gently. Today she will be studying all day and I will work. We ended our conversation with mutual agreement to take the ski vacation alone together. I guess we will have to see if her mother will take care of our ten year old while we are gone. My ten year old has gone out of his way to tell me how much he loves me which is touching.
I am taking antiD now and feel better. The constant fear and hyper-vigilence that I have had and the re-visiting thoughts about the A('s) is not there. My PhD support is teaching me something called cognitive behavioral therapy to help me reject the disturbing images so that I stop reliving the past issues and focus on the future.
I am being told by my PhD that a single love buster now will doom the marriage so I have to be very vigilent.
So... maybe at this point there is some hope.
Thank you all for being here for me.
hurtingturkey

HT, have you spoken to her family personally? If they feel this way, it might be in order to call them up and offer an apology for losing your temper. Let them know you are trying to save your marriage but have been devastated by your W's affair. Ask for their support and ADVICE. They might be willing to support you in that case.

Also, why not call up Steve Harley and get his help in pulling this back together?

Thank you ML
My WW asked me to apologize to her mother this morning. I told her I would but my WW suggested now was not the time. On the moment my WW will not speak with Steve H because she is so angry about the exposure (she knows that is an MB strategy). I don't believe she will agree to Steve ever in the near future. It is interesting to see her try a little bit at making the marriage surivive a little longer. I may try Steve myself.
My WW's family is a touchy issue because the original affair was with her Step Dad's best friend. When he died in January my WW's mother and step father have been caring daily for several hours the wife of the POS OM who died in January of this year. There is a lot of denial. Its very complicated by that circumstance. I am getting lots of clinical help to try and beat the PTSD from my first marriage that has helped make this situation worse. Meanwhile I am trying to re-establish my relationships with my brothers and sister to strengthen my support system. They are all more than 1,000 miles away and I don't want to exhaust them but at least they are there for me now. If everyone does not mind I will sort of document things on this board to help me with some additional support as I need that now. Walking through the hospital yesterday and today at work I have been amazed at how friendly and outgoing the staff are. I can't forget that work is part of my support system right now. At least I have done a fairly good job leading things here. Maybe I have done a few things right in my life.
Blessings

hurtingturkey

I seriously doubt she is an honest source of information or a good judge in this regard. She is angry and is doing her best to punish you, in addition to only doing what is in her best interest. Does she want you NOT to speak to them so you can't undo the spin she plied them with about her affair?

What does she want you to apologize FOR exactly? There is no need to apologize for exposing her affair.

I think you do need to speak to them to undo the lies she told them.

HT, did her family facilitate this affair? Does the wife of the POSOM know about this affair?