Found out about husband's affair 18 mths ago with a student in his lab. Told me she had to stay there, had maxed out her lab rotations, etc. I exposed the affair to the ethics committee and my husband was furious.

Meanwhile, she has enemies at work, and several have been harrassing her about this affair. We live near the university, I work from home, and I WAS operating on an unsecured internet connection - until she got all these harrassing emails that were tracked to MY IP! I ended up talking to the police and looking like an idiot. This was last year.

We've been trying to mend the relationship, but they were still secretly seeing each other and every now and again, he talked about leaving. Things have been better between us of late, I thought we were on the right track, be he was still seeing her. When I logged on to MB a couple of weeks ago, everyone recommended re-exposure. I was debating it when apparently, somebody ELSE exposed it yesterday.

I don't know the details - hubby was acting strangely last night and was sullen all morning before he went to work. The last thing he said to me was, "The harrassment continues. I won't be sleeping here tonight, and I'll be making other arrangements to move out." Before I could pick my jaw up off the floor, he was gone.

What do I do now? We have 3 kids, ages 12, 10, & 7.

If you have done a solid plan A then you go to Plan B.

Don't you find it funny he calls it "harrassment" when they are the ones who are doing wrong?

How did you find out he was still in the A?

Me thinks there might be an other other woman at work.

DITTO!!!!!!

I was dragging my feet with re-exposure because I don't have the finances in place for Plan B. Now it's been thrust upon me and I'm a little shaky.

I'm trying to be strong - I don't want him here if he doesn't want to be here - but OW is a piece of work and there are lots of reasons she has enemies. He is SO different when she's not around. If he spends more & more time with her - my guess is he'll move in with her - he'll be pulled over to the "dark side" forever.

Will Plan B really make him see the light - or is he lost forever?

If you can handle it, I suggest you still stay in Plan A. Why ?. Your plan A is working, plan A is forcing him to choose. WH use this excuse to continue his A. Right now he is angry and OW is playing victim. Read SAA, you don't go to plan B just because WH is moving out. Specially when you have kids ... There are more pressures now on OW and H.

How was your plan A ?.

-rh-

He was working late, I made a midnight grocery run for a couple of things, drove by his office on way home to see if he was still there, saw him getting into her car. Followed them to the side street a couple houses away from our house where they parked for @ 10 minutes before he got out & went to our house. I sat there boo-hooing for a few minutes until he called me in a panic, wondering where I was. I told him I was at the grocery store and would be home in a few minutes. Calmed myself down and went in a bit later.

I concur with redhat.

No lovebusting. If he talks to you and mentions divorce or never coming back I would

"I don't want a divorce. I want our marriage"

or

"I want you home with me and the kids. We love you."

YK?

Prepare more for B meanwhile (figure out gameplan for it)

Financially, an attorney could help you file for legal separation when B is started to keep you and the children safer.

If you go to plan B you should be ready to loose him forever. Plan B should not be taken lightly.

Plan A was actually going pretty well, given that they were still working together.

When harrassing emails started and they were traced to my IP, OW immediately used that to her advantage to drive a wedge between us, and it worked. It's been tough.

Someone suggested that there's ANOTHER OW - but actually, I suspect it's one of OW discards who's trying to push them apart, and I'M getting all the blame.

This thread has been reassuring - perhaps "a breather" WILL force the matter. Clearly he's lost respect for me since he's so quick to blame me.

Lost respect Why? Beacuse you wont allow him to continue an A ??

Blaming you for what? Why is it wrong for you to EXPOSE the A?
The A is not wrong the exposure is ???

What is happening is that the pressure of the exposure is now going to force him to make choices. He has to DECIDE to continue his A in the open in broad daylight or he has has to decide to end it.
This is where you have to be strong and not try to be on his team and enable the A. You cant save him from the consequences of his actions.Even if you were not the one who exposed the A, you need to send a message that you agree with exposure. Seems to me that you are sending the signal that you want to be on his team and not be the bad guy who is exposing what he is doing.
Every BS has to endure the wrath that exposure causes you cant hide from it but your M can survive it. It wont survive if the exposure is not complete and widespread enough to end the A.

What is happening is that the pressure of the exposure is now going to force him to make choices. He has to DECIDE to continue his A in the open in broad daylight or he has has to decide to end it.
This is where you have to be strong and not try to be on his team and enable the A. [size:17pt]You cant save him from the consequences of his actions.

You're right on all counts. I'm not a confrontational person, but he can't have it both ways. I will have to be strong. He was mad at me after the first exposure, I tried to placate him to keep him in the house, and he & OW got right back together after things died down. Now it's time to dust off my spine and put it to good use.

Thanks for the reminder!

More reasons for you to stay in Plan A for now while you get your plan B figure out (talk to lawyer, finances, write plan B letter, etc). NO LB'ng.

I am guessing WH won't pack his stuff and drag his feet to move out. Don't LB'ng. Ask him to tell the kids and don't be around when he talks to the kids. Don't coach your kids but be there if they have questions for you.

You want to let OW and WH focus on each other and not you.

-rh-

He just took an overnight kit and nothing else, like he's going away on a business trip. He won't be back today. What's LBing?

Plan B would be superb in your situation because you won't be propping up and enabling the affair anymore. If he doesn't have you propping up his affair and feeding the fantasy by helping him hide it, the affair will curl up and die fairly quickly. That�s IF it is really EXPOSED. If it is just a "little" exposed, it can carry on for a long time!! Affairs thrive on secrecy.

My suggestion would be to get an attorney so you are protected legally, file on grounds of adultery, and get spousal support and visitation set up. THEN go into a DARK Plan B. And THEN finish off any remaining exposures.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would get that if you don�t. Then check out Greg and Sue�s situation to see what happens to affairs when the WS moves out and they exposed.

WWW, only stay in Plan A for a couple more weeks. Plan A is only supposed to be for 3-4 weeks for women and then Plan B is warranted.

In about 2 weeks, the novelty of being out of the house will wear off and that will be the perfect time to SLAM the door shut.



AND

LOVE BUSTER'ng.

No judgments/disrespect, no demands and no angry outburst.

-rh-

This is the 2nd time the SAME affair has been exposed ?



HE is having an A which is destroying your M and you are trying to be his friend so he does not suffer the SHAME of being labeled a Adulterer ???

Here is a to awaken you from the DENIAL you are in. Stop being his friend who lies for him to cover his A. Start being his wife !!!!

Remember this, WFW. My FWH and his AP went underground because her BS's exposure was partial and poorly done in the hopes that she wouldn't get mad at him. It wasn't until he properly exposed that the A ended. Exposure is your best weapon. Don't apologize for it and don't be afraid to use it.