Plan B will do neither.

Plan B is not about him.

Plan B is about protecting what little love you have left for him so that IF he ever decides to reconcile, you are still willing.

If you don't have Surviving an Affair (SAA) I highly recommend you get a copy. You can purchase it online here, or through amazon.com, or many libraries have a copy.

WH is a professor and OW is a student in lab. University policy says this is an ethics violation and to report ethics violations to the ethics committee. Did that. WH thought he would get canned, but Provost told him (at least, this is what WH said), 'Hey, you're both consenting adults. We'll look the other way so long as you don't give her preferential treatment." WTf??!

Of COURSE he gives her preferential treatment! That's why she's chasing him! She went from almost being thrown out of the program to having a red-hot career, because of my WH! Univ ENABLED it by not following their own policy!

WH was embarrassed, but exposure was only limited to top tier, Provost & dept head. WH didn't tell me what happened this time around, only that he was not staying here tonight and would "make other arrangements," but I heard from one of the grad students today that a nasty email was sent to OW and copied to everyone in the dept. OW is being ridiculed, and it's not pretty.

You might have a case to sue the university for alienation of affections depending on which state you live in. Talk to a lawyer and see if you have a case.



Good ... you need to stay in Plan A for a 'lil bit. Let them focus on that and not on you.

-rh-

We don't live in one of those states - already checked that - but I was TOTALLY TICKED that they wouldn't even follow their own rules. Grad student said today that email that was sent to OW gave a list of student policies she'd violated and that she should 'pack her bags' and expect to be forcibly ejected for the program. Given how widely that email was distributed, it should be interesting to see what they do...

Yeap ... it doesn't hurt if that email got forwarded to local news channels, whoever higher than Provost ... state governments ?, email of wives of donors to Univ ?. Make sure you have nothing to do with it .

-rh-

This is the truth.

LOL! Decided to take wannamoveforward's advice and act like a wife.

Txtd him I'd seen the email and that he was a f*king b*std! He txted right back and said of course I'd seen it, I'd WRITTEN it - it sounded the same as the other harrassing emails OW had received. Told him the only thing that sounded the same to me was the cheating husband - and did he want me to pack the rest of his stuff in boxes or suitcases?

He immediately tried the "we're just friends" routine. Not buying it, of course, but I've been smiling for an hour at how quickly losing the safety net has unsettled him....

Thanks wannamoveforward!

mmm...standing up for yourself is one thing, but you want to do it without introducing LBs into the conversation...

That was definitely an AO (angry outburst)...

You might want to notify the mods to combine your two threads.

I second this.........it better to stick to one thread so we don't have to look everywhere for the pieces to your story.....

Not2fun

Do not expect the university to do anything. My H is having a relationship with his grad student and the university has done nothing as far as I know even after I exposed to someone pretty high up. Had to go over H's Dean because he's married to a former student himself......it's such a frequent occurance that its common in universities, and the excuse "they're both consenting adults" is the typical response. Ethics rules are laughable in universities.....they're on paper but rarely enforced.

Get an attorney NOW. Make sure you and your kids are protected financially. This guy has been playing both sides of the fence for too long.....wife and kids waiting for him at home and boinking the student for some excitement on the side.

I thought you were in Plan A?
Plan A is about meeting ENs and avoiding LBs.
This was not at all Plan A.
You can have a spine and still do Plan A; Plan A does not mean you have to be a doormat. But you do have to avoid LBs, and you have to meet ENs whilst in Plan A.

. You are not being his wife ... he will run to OW and I hope OW is not skillful in comforting your WH and be his new safety net.

worse, this is how someone acts who has been subjected to abuse for YEARS.......... and it will get worse. This is why Dr Harley recommends plan A for about 3 weeks for women.

PLEASE get your ducks in a row and go into Plan B. File for separation/divorce and get yourself legally protected. GO DARK and do it soon.

Your Taker is taking over.

Yikes. Takers don't like not having things going their way. Nope. They don't.

Your Giver is the vessel of Plan A though, not your Taker.

We all are tempted to let our Takers go to town at certain junctures.

Anyway.

How was the "IP" discovered/checked out to be yours. If it was and you didn't write them, did WH? did OW? Who had access to your IP?

Try to calm down and know that there is something way fishy here and needs to be figured out and apoligize for loosing it. Even if it was a valid reaction to the situation, it won't be beneficial in any way for you to let anger roar.

I often tell myself that anger won't solve any of my issues and would just make them worse.

YK.

in MB's term ... a giver snaps.

You're right - it was an angry outburst and childish, but I wanted a response from him and got it. He tried the "we just work together" routine and I told him I wasn't buying it, that his detachment this last year proved it. In the initial stages of Plan A, he made an effort; after the harrassing emails, he pretty much stopped and talked on and off about moving out. We talked about counseling, about trying different programs, etc., but it just never happened.

Couldn't sleep 2night, drove by OW apt to see if his car was there. It wasn't. Shocked-thought he'd run right over there...

Installed home network, didn't secure router, didn't think I needed to. OW took emails straight to univ police, they got warrant & traced it to our IP. Live on busy street near Univ, someone could have been sitting in parking lot across street & used our router.

Abuse? I never thought about it that way, but you're right, he's been toying with my emotions for about 3 years now & it's gotten progressively worse. I tend to forget that when the great guy I married resurfaces every now & again, when the monster OW has turned him into recedes.

Hate the rollercoaster - one minute I think "to hell with him!" and the next I'm thinking, "yeah, we can work this out."

"but Provost told him (at least, this is what WH said), 'Hey, you're both consenting adults. We'll look the other way "

Expose the provost. Tell University pres, CC Dir of HR abd the Board. In this case expose provost's wife that he thinks it's ok to have an affair. That he does not have to follow rules at work.