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- how do I express my requirement for no other men best, not as a selfish demand
probably best to avoid expressing it much, but if I have to, explain the reasons are that it is hurtful to me and the kids for her to be involved with others right now

It is NECESSARY to DEMAND there be no other man in your marriage.

You aren't going to get into an argument about it. You will just state the fact that you will not tolerate it and change the subject.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
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DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
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Personal R in works
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Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

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Originally Posted by Scotland
Quote
- how do I express my requirement for no other men best, not as a selfish demand
probably best to avoid expressing it much, but if I have to, explain the reasons are that it is hurtful to me and the kids for her to be involved with others right now

It is NECESSARY to DEMAND there be no other man in your marriage.

You aren't going to get into an argument about it. You will just state the fact that you will not tolerate it and change the subject.

Cool, thanks Scotty! I won't pussyfoot around this one. I am glad I asked.


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Originally Posted by mfoss2212
I often write down questions I have, and then try and answer them as a way to deal with things that are bothering me. Often, I am able to come up with good answers based on MB principles after some contemplation. Below are some questions and answers I am not 100% sure I have correct, appreciate your feedback:

- should I talk to family members that are close to her?
I should probably be directing my efforts to plan A efforts/ meeting ENs, improving myself as opposed to pro-actively trying to win the PR war, I should not avoid them at all, but they should not be my priority generally

- how do I express my requirement for no other men best, not as a selfish demand
probably best to avoid expressing it much, but if I have to, explain the reasons are that it is hurtful to me and the kids for her to be involved with others right now

Of course you should be working on Plan A if that's where you're at. But that doesn't preclude exposure - yes, her family needs to know. It's not a matter of winning or losing a PR war, it's a matter of rallying the forces you need to help extinguish the A.

Requiring that there be no other man is NOT a selfish demand! That's what married people pledge! That absolutely has to be a requirement for the protection of your M. Do not waffle over this! Simply state it in clear, calm language "For our M to survive we must be faithful to each other and not allow anyone else to meet our needs." This is non-negotiable.


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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Of course you should be working on Plan A if that's where you're at. But that doesn't preclude exposure - yes, her family needs to know. It's not a matter of winning or losing a PR war, it's a matter of rallying the forces you need to help extinguish the A.

Requiring that there be no other man is NOT a selfish demand! That's what married people pledge! That absolutely has to be a requirement for the protection of your M. Do not waffle over this! Simply state it in clear, calm language "For our M to survive we must be faithful to each other and not allow anyone else to meet our needs." This is non-negotiable.

I have exposed to her family, twice. The condensed version of my story starts with ILYBICBWY, me exposing and killing an EA. Then ~ 6 weeks later two ONS, which I exposed the one (I only recently found out about the other one, they were close together, and both before the second exposure). Since then, no OM. But, no agreement to not get involved with others.

It is a bit strange, because right now, AFAICT, there is no OM. However, WW will not agree to not see other people, even though she is not (to my knowledge) currently doing so. She is under a fair amount of social pressure to not do this. It is a bit odd to be sure, and I am plan A'ing while I prepare for plan B.


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For the record, just had a mostly lovely day with WW. Our first completely conflict free day in recent memory. We even made dinner together. Getting ready for tmrw, and all it may bring! smile


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GLAD to hear it. It's nice when the sun shines in a Plan A world isn't it?

Chin up and more forward.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Good for you man. Enjoy it.


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mfoss, are you still here? No word from you in about ten days or so...

What's happening in your sitch?


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Hi Fred - still here! Have not been as diligent in checking in recently, took a bit of a break from the boards and hit the books. I also booked a few days off work as well and did a stay-cation to give myself some relief from work pressure, and to make some positive steps for myself. Then, I had a bad cold for the last three / four days, so that sucked!

Where are things at? While, I am still in plan A, and heading towards plan b in May. I have really been focussing on plan a, and, I am continually surprised at how hard it is, and how much there is to it (I seem to keep finding new things to improve upon)! I do take pleasure in surprising WW with my behaviour / new habits, though, and try not to beat myself up too much over lapses.

The latest real success has been with the kids, I have been all over them, and WW is affected by that. I am surprised myself at how hard it has been for me in some ways to make time and to engage them, but there has been a lot of progress lately, and the kids are happy to hang with me and have my attention. It is very emotionally rewarding as well.

Thanks for checking in, hope you are well.


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Hello mbers,

It has been a while since I have posted, here is where things are at:

- WW is still @ home in the spare room
- there is no active OM currently
- WW maintains she still wants to move out, and has threatened legal action to get $ to support this
- my 6 month window for plan A is up
- I have been plan A'ing as best I can, but I have to say, I enjoy when WW is not around

My options are:

- continue to plan A (it is getting hard)
- Plan B, I do have some concerns about the difficulty of this, and it seems strange when there is no OM, but I suppose the point of Plan B is that it is hard
- Soft plan B (plan D) where I harness the positive personal momentum I have, and remove WW from my future, but avoid some of the difficult practical elements of a standard Plan B

I suppose the big question is, do I still want to save my M?

If yes, Plan A or Plan B. If no, soft plan B.

The trouble is, I don't really know what I want! On one hand, I think that I will come out better from this experience regardless of what happens, and I am kind of excited about moving on a reducing the stress of Plan A living, and avoiding the stress of a "real Plan B".

I feel like a waffling fence sitter, and I don't like it!

Thoughts, support, 2x4 beatings, all appreciated.


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Hi mfoss, I've thought about you several times. You seemed to have dropped off the board one day.

No more Plan A. Six months is the recommended limit. After that time, your Love Bank starts going into the red big time.

Move her out into Plan B. She's threatening legal action? Nonsense. But let her, I say. If $$ are a limiting factor to her moving out, how is she going to pay for an attorney?

Are you sure there's no OM activity? How are you checking?

If there's no OM and you've been working a stellar Plan A and she still wants to move out, then I think even more that you should consider Plan B/D. You should want a woman who will at least give saving your marriage a try.

She's already broken down the doors to your marriage. What's next? The walls?

Originally Posted by mfoss2212
reducing the stress of Plan A living, and avoiding the stress of a "real Plan B"
What does this mean? After six months of Plan A, I can't imagine how a man could be any more stressed. Plan B is about recovery. YOUR RECOVERY.

True, Plan B is designed to show the WS how good a thing they had now that it's gone, but it's even more about building a happy, healthy life for yourself. So that if the WS never comes back you've still built a good life for yourself!

The only stress I've had in Plan B comes from the accidental "breaks" in it. And even there I'm getting better. For an example, read my latest update in the Divorcing/Divorced forum.

Good to see you back. I know you'll make the right decision.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Hi Fred -

Thanks for always jumping on my situation. I have to say I felt a great deal of relief in reading your response. I have not been around as much, as I have been focussing as best I can on Plan A, and have not had a lot of questions, just the standard struggles and small victories.

I am not sure I can Plan A much longer, so I am going to Plan B. And whatever lies beyond that I look forward to in earnest!

WW can get state support for a lawyer, she has been once for a consultation. At this point, I kind of feel if I can negotiate an initial lump sum to get her out and a monthly payment for CS (we would split custody) in absence of getting lawyers involved, I will be ahead of the game in terms of stress and complexity, and set up the environment for Plan B. It sounds too easy, so I am probably being naive.

Appreciate any guidance.


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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Are you sure there's no OM activity? How are you checking?

I am checking very thoroughly, I am quite sure. I would not be surprised at all if there was another ONS tomorrow though.

I actually ran into the "catalyst" OM on the street yesterday. We had a short conversation, civil. No point in expending much time there. He has respected NC, much to WW's frustration.


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Originally Posted by mfoss2212
Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
Are you sure there's no OM activity? How are you checking?

I am checking very thoroughly, I am quite sure. I would not be surprised at all if there was another ONS tomorrow though.
???

Did I miss something?

What makes you say that?


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Originally Posted by Fred_in_VA
???

Did I miss something?

What makes you say that?

Nope, you did not miss anything, I just would not be terribly surprised.

What makes me say that is that is has happened already, and there is no reason to be shocked if it happened again. My second exposure was a ONS, and WW is clearly capable of it.


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Originally Posted by mfoss2212
What makes me say that is that is has happened already, and there is no reason to be shocked if it happened again. My second exposure was a ONS, and WW is clearly capable of it.


faint


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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