Honestly, if you can stay in plan A and get her through withdrawal without breaking w/ OM#1&2 and finding OM#3, you might have a shot. However, if she breaks it or just bounces to the next guy, it's really time you should kick her to the curb. Just don't talk about your relationship or D and engage her in conversation about other things. If you can get her through about another 2-3 months without another man, you might have a chance. Women rarely leave without another guy lined up. She's been looking for a guy to leave you for, but they seem to back off once they are found out and exposed.

It's almost impossible to Plan A her now. She is in such a state of withdrawal that she won't hardly talk to me. It's unfortunate because the kids recognize the fact that she doesn't even tell me goodnight. She acts so depressed and feels trapped. I don't know if that is because she is missing the other guy so much or that being married to me is so miserable.

I've been through this before but I'm still confused. Maybe she just isn't cut out for a long-term relationship.

It's only been a month. The higher the high she got from her affairs, the worse withdrawal will be. Just keep being friendly and gently trying to engage her. If one of her top ENs is conversation, she'll start talking eventually. Just make sure you are the only one she can go to. Up until the day you decide you are 100% sure you want a divorce, keep giving it 100%. If she still isn't talking after another month or two, then you might be in trouble, but it's just been one month.

If you give it your best plan A for another 3 months and she's still not talking to you or she's found another OM, I'll tell you to start drawing up the D papers that day. You were reconnecting before and then OM#2 came into the picture, and your WW decided to try and take the easy way out instead of working on your M. The high must have been very intense from that one. Now she has two affairs to get over. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and I commend you for sticking with it this far. My thought is if you've already stuck it out this far and there is NC with any OM, then it is worth trying to stick it out a little longer to see if you can start reconnecting again.

Okay, I just reread your thread a again, and I think I would try plan A for another 2 months (or until she breaks NC) to see if she starts talking again, and then I would file for legal separation and go to plan B. That should be the best plan of action if you want to save your marriage. But you need to be ever vigilant, looking out for OM 1-100.

Well, she is such a liar (even to herself) that it is hard to know what is truth. She has me feeling pretty bad that I am forcing her to stay. I'm only strongly disagreeing with her opinions. She thinks I am controlling her. I wish I could control her, then maybe she wouldnt be having affairs and lying. I can't verify totally that she has had no contact. She didn't even commit to doing it this time.

At least with OM1, he was married and as she went through withdrawal, she saw how wrong it was and that he was an alcoholic and would probably not leave his wife, so there was a reason to commit to the marriage. OM2 just got divorced so I'm not real confident now she can make the right choice.

She is really mad that I told OM2's family about her. I guess she is thinking they may be telling him not to get involved with a married woman who has 2 kids and had at least 2 affairs. Sort of ruins the idea of living happily ever after with the OM when the OM's family knows what you've done.

Thanks, Jim

Well, I was gonna give it another month or so, just to see if the withdrawal symptoms diminish. She is a very weak person so I would not doubt she broke contact. I can no longer verify since she used her work phone (they know and don't care) or go deep underground and use one of her friend's cell phones so I can't track.

I kinda feel like an idiot sticking it out this long....

Well, I found out she has been researching her own health insurance, gotten her own credit card and has divorce papers sitting in her truck. Her friends are really pushing her hard to leave me because she is unhappy.

Well crap, folks. This just keeps getting worse.
She went out of town to visit a sick friend and because she was about to have an emotional breakdown. I was suspicious.
She never made it to Little Rock. Said she checked into a hotel in a small town to "think things through" and that she would stay there for a few days to clear her head. Big red flag since she is an extreme extrovert.

I called the hotel and she wasn't registered nor were there any charges on my credit card. I confronted her and she said she used her maiden name and her "new" credit card. When I called I also asked for her maiden name as well so I knew she was lying.

She actually went to visit a friend who lives near OM2 and saw him a few times. Also said she had talked to him once from the YMCA phone a few weeks ago. I suspected but couldn't verify that.

The original title of this thread was based on broken no contact with OM1. She is such a weak person and so foggy, I knew this was happening, just could not prove it. Says she wants a divorce but isn't leaving because of kids and because I just won't let her go. She says she has nothing to give the marriage and she isn't willing to try at this point. Unfortunately, she is now expecting more out of divorce in terms of custody.

Just a lesson to anyone with a wayward that I have learned twice now. Don't assume no contact is in place without thoroughly checking EVERYTHING, especially if they stay foggy. Anyway, I'll talk more tomorrow but it looks a whole lot like Plan B, heck I may just give in to Plan D. I'm out of gas folks.

Thanks for listening.

re-expose to her family one more time, then start preparing for plan B/D. I am sorry for you.

I haven't really spoken to her since. Trying not to throw out any lovebusters, but she is dead set on divorce but not filed because of the kids and she is scared.

I read the following from Dr. Frank Pittman. It sounds a lot like what I hear from my wife. I'm not sure which is more of a problem- that she is enveloped in the fog of an emotional affair or that she may be a romantic (she loves those Notebook type chick flicks).


Dear Dr. Frank:
My husband is essentially a good man, a good provider, and a good father. But I am not in love anymore. I believe it's a mistake to stay married for the children's sake. What do you think?

Dear Not-In-Love: I don't think it is sufficient to stay married for the children's sake; parents have a responsibility to stay happily married for the children's sake.
If you are married to a good man and still don't find it easy to be happy or loving, perhaps there is something wrong with you. You could be afflicted with anything from schizophrenia to romanticism.

Most likely, you are one of those romantic women who expects a man to make her happy. Men are useful for many things, but they are not generally kept around for their entertainment value. I've known women in your predicament who brought meaning and stability to their lives through such diverse activities as square dancing, fly fishing, and organic farming.

For your children's sake, if not for your own, find the things that will make you happy without having to run frustratingly through a variety of men, each of whom is sure to let to you down.

I guess I'm just still having a hard time with this.
No contact in place for a month (I think).

Thought I'd take the kids away for Spring Break and show her what it's like to be without them for a week and to get away from her avoiding me/ignoring me. Then if nothing changed, I'd go Plan B.

Last night she just kept reiterating she has no interest in trying to make this work. Said MB probably would work if she was willing. She says that she was neglected for years and that killed something inside her and living in the house with a man she didn't love was torture.

Said she is still here because she is afraid and doesn't want to hurt the kids. I really love my kids and would do anything for them (and to spend as much time with them), guess that's why I haven't given up yet.


She has never been the type of person to finish any project so I guess marriage is just another project for her. Or, maybe I did neglect her to the point there is no going back.

I don't know...just sort of frustrated. Don't know if it is fog or if it's over.

Get her on the phone with Steve Harley.

I don't know if she'd go for that.

What would he say to her?

He usually starts with, "Wouldn't you agree that the best outcome for you and your children would be to fall in love with your husband again and stay married?" He'll then explain to her that it really is possible because he's heard from plenty of spouses that feel the same way she does, and many of them have recovered. He'll probably ask why she hasn't left, and if she isn't leaving, why not try and make the best of your current situation and see what happens.

Any thoughts on whether this is fog or if she is just done?

I firmly believe that if there is no other man meeting your WW's emotional needs, and you work to meet them while avoiding love busters, then you can recover. The key is a good plan A while keeping other men away long enough to fill up her love bank. If there is NC w/ OM and no active affair, then you can restore your marriage unless your WW is just a flawed person incapable of a real relationship.

I agree with that too. But, I don't think she does.

I am not sure, however, if she isn't "flawed" as you say. She had a horrible life prior to me.

She doesn't have to agree to that. She just has to not have other men around long enough for you to fill up her love bank. Don't ask her to work on your marriage right now. Just ask her for no OM while she is still married to you, and you'll take care of the rest for now.

Ark - I think you'll enjoy this article as much as I do. It's a wonderful article on why The Notebook is so bad.

http://www.workingauthor.com/romcoms-and-romdrams-are-ruining-our-love-lives

The problem is that she is in a major state of withdrawal with me. Is it because of no contact with OM or because she just doesn't like me anymore....I don't know.

I cant make any contributions to the love bank because she's never here and when she is she avoids me. She told me that living in this house with a man she didn't love was 'torture'.

If it was that bad, she would have moved out by now.