I did VALUE the fact that he made the apology even though I did not EXPECT the apology.

I agree with you in the fact that I would make my children apologize for stealing something or for hurting someone in anyway shape or form. And I do EXPECT them to apologize for it. I am not so sure I VALUE it as much though because it was something that I MADE them do or EXPECTED them to do.

I VALUED it more that my h made the apology without the EXPECTATION of it.

I am not sure what you are asking and i am not sure that i have a conflict in my response.

How would you feel if you could not apologize?

I would feel like I got my just reward. Like my punishment would be to forever carry the burden of hurting someone and not being able to make amends. Not that an apology in itself will make it right, but it would give me a chance to let someone know that they are not irrelevant.

An apology in the sense you are using seems like it is for the person who is doing the apology. To build character. And maybe it does, but an apology to me is to lessen the pain of someone who has been violated, the apologee, so to speak.

To not apologize means you still care so little for others that you don't care how your actions hurt others. Or that you are so self-centered that you can't see past your own nose to how your actions affect other peoples lives and families. And some people really don't care.

But maybe it is a process, first the actions then the feelings. I like how Mel said that when she first started apologizing she really didn't care that much, but then grew to care and want to make amends.

Some people do value the appearance of looking like a good person more than actually being a good person. Just like some people value the appearance of looking rich more than actually being rich, as in people who use credit to put in granite counter tops and marble tile floors, when they don't have the money. I used to be like that, until I realized it was way better to be rich than to look like you are rich. What changed it for me, was someone pointing it out to me. I started look at my finances and saw I owed more than I had. And when I started changing this, and saw that I was beginning to have more than I owed, it felt pretty dang good. Now it is a part of who I am.

Is that a good analogy?



OT:
Hi Mrs. W.
Mel, why yes, yes I do! I'm the facebook deactivation queen! My daughter says I don't get FB, and she is right! LOL

Faith, I did the letter apology once and couldn't mail it because I don't know where she went. It helped me at the time, of course it did nothing for her, obviously. Your sitch is different, but I think (now) for me I was really apologizing to God. I needed *me* to feel better, yes, but I also needed to really examine my actions at the time I injured someone else. I needed to really think about it and what might have meant to her and her life.

My husband apologized to me about something he did that really hurt me. I didn't believe him and said that words don't mean anything. I wanted actions.

Well, since then he has done no actions.

I probably should have just accepted his apology with grace, and maybe the actions would have followed.

God, I'm such a hypocrite. I sit here and say how important being able to apologize to someone is to me, but then when someone apologizes to me I don't trust it, or accept it.

I just realized this. I don't grant my husband the basic goodness of allowing him to apologize.

Right back atcha, Pep.

Thanks for this thread.

the trunk of my car........------> Not off to finish delivery.....

BTW, I misunderstood the intent of this thread when I posted.....sorry about that

SEE HOW EASY AN APOLOGY CAN BE?


Accepted. With cookie bonus, of course.

Ya know, growing up ( and actually still today), whenever my sister and I would get into a fight, my dad would come and talk to us. He would tell whoever started it to apologize for whatever the offense was. Then he would talk to the offendee and see if they had done anything wrong, even if they weren't the instigater. He would then tell us that we needed to apologize for our part.

Of course, *I* never liked this part. But he would tell me, "Not, you may not have started this and may have only been 10% in the wrong if this problem, but you still need to apologize for your 10%......."

He still tells us this stuff today. AND he follows his beliefs with actions......He always apologizes whenever he hurts someone.....

My Daddy is a wise man.....

Truthfully, I really can't remember but probably not. Now, as adult, he will STILL call us whenever there is discontent in the family to give us the "90/10" lecture, as we Luke to call it...... He likes to remind us the keep our side of the street clean....

Glad you like the story. I thought you might enjoy it.....


Not2fun