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TE,
Be prepared for her bad attitude and general lack of enthusiasm for anthing to do with you and marriage and family. We went on a day trip this past Saturday, and she was downright intolerable. Cranky, irritable, tired. I kept asking myself, "why do I want to be with this person?" I'm still not sure that I do. Recovery just seems so impossible. I'm so angry. So disappointed. And I just have no faith in my WW whatsoever. But I love my sons so much...
Last edited by TryingEverything; 03/08/10 11:24 PM.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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My WW called around noon, and we had a very pleasant conversation. She seemed so nice and happy�Just like old times. She said she saw my younger son and I asleep this morning in the bed downstairs and we looked "so cute."
For a moment there it seemed like the fog lifted. Maybe...
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Posts: 15,284
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TE,
When she is "intolerable" tell her so.
W "if you are going to behave in this manner I will not accept it. Stop it now. If you have nothing good to say, say nothing." And then walk away from her.
If you cannot tolerate it, then don't. It is called protecting YOUR boundaries.
JL
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Unfortunately our relationship is turning into a brother/sister or roommate type relationship.
We live together. Help each other out around the house. Watch TV and movies together. Take care of the kids together.
But there is very little physical contact. I'm afraid that if we ever do have sex again it's going to be a huge deal.
Our MC suggests we should have sex as soon as possible.
My lawyer suggests we don't because that would be seen as an act of forgiveness and ruin my case against paying alimony if we divorce.
I doubt my WW wants to have sex anyway.
Any advice?
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 267
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TE,
Patience, thats all I can recommend right now other than
VERIFY NO CONTACT, KEEP SNOOPING.
Has she written a NC letter with your approval and sent it?
God's goal for marriage: Become ONE! How? MBer methods.
Me:husband 42
wife, 40
married 1/12/1991
3 children, 1 granddaughter
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We talked last night. Told her the bar was high for reconciliation. And that the first step was a NC letter. She still hasn't decided to recommit to the marriage. Once she does, I will have her write that letter.
She also wants to finish the film project with her cousin. WW gets a lot of pressure from this woman about finishing this project that stars the OM. It could take months, maybe even years to finish. I told her I think she needs to drop the project as part of NC.
I said that if she thinks the project is more important than our marriage then she should work on it and we can divorce. WW said the project is not more important than our marriage.
This morning WW approached me and gave me a hug and kiss as I left for work.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 267
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TE,
Be sure to stay strong right now with your conditions. If she is still waywardly contacting OM then you might be better off going to plan B. Why? Because it seems she has glimpsed the repercussions of her actions and choices. Especially since she agrees the film is not worth her marriage. This is always the point in time when a BS who desperately needs some of his EN's met starts to compromise on the conditions of recovery. I did and it cost me a false recovery period or two. We may sound draconian but too many of us have done it to not warn you of it.
God's goal for marriage: Become ONE! How? MBer methods.
Me:husband 42
wife, 40
married 1/12/1991
3 children, 1 granddaughter
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BP,
Can't go to plan B as that would require moving out and I simply cannot afford to do that.
But you are right and I will not compromise on my conditions for recovery. I am prepared to divorce her at this point if she doesn't feel she can meet my conditions.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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"I said that if she thinks the project is more important than our marriage then she should work on it and we can divorce. WW said the project is not more important than our marriage."
Stick to your guns. NC.
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My conditions for recovery:
1. Write a NC letter that I approve.
2. End all contact with OM for life.
3. End work on project that involves OM.
4. Distance herself from her cousin.
Please let me know if these seem reasonable to everyone here and whether or not I should add anything. I know that ending work on the project is going to be difficult for her. Also, distancing herself from her cousin/best friend will be tough as they are like sisters.
But I'm not the one who created this mess and implicated her cousin and this project. I feel like WW is going to have to meet conditions 3 and 4 to clean up this mess.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
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5. Disclose all email passwords
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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WW and I talked to a real estate agent tonight about a short sale on our house.
Then we talked about our future. I gave her until Friday to recommit to M. It appears she has been in NC for just over 2 weeks now. And I am hoping she remains that way while we decide to reconcile or divorce. I think she understands the gravity of the situation and will not contact OM.
When I say things like, "What about the boys? They need a full-time dad." She responds, "People get divorced all the time. They'll be all right."
Uggggh.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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It appears she has been in NC for just over 2 weeks now. If that's the case, then you might be rushing things. It will take a bit longer than "two weeks" after NC before the fog clears and you can discuss things on a rational basis with your (F?)WW.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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If that's the case, then you might be rushing things. It will take a bit longer than "two weeks" after NC before the fog clears and you can discuss things on a rational basis with your (F?)WW. I know. But I'm just so worn out. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. I'm tired of not having my needs met. Maybe she's just the type that has to hit rock bottom. 
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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I'm afraid that two weeks is not enough time and you're setting yourself up to have your hopes dashed again. Focus on improving yourself and working through Plan A. In a few more weeks, when more fog has lifted, you'll be able to hold a rational conversation with her.
I'm not a complete idiot. There are parts missing.
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Okay. I'll hold tight for a few more weeks. But this limbo really is tough. Especially when I see that she is applying for jobs in NY and sends emails to her friends about how she is hopefully moving to NY in a few months with the kids once school lets out.
Last edited by TryingEverything; 03/15/10 08:19 PM.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916
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How far away is NY? Same state? Do you have a separation agreement?
Larry
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NY is 800 miles away. I do not have a separation agreement. But I have had an initial consultation and have paid the retainer.
I am supposed to schedule a follow up appt with the lawyer this week to work on the separation agreement, but I was thinking of waiting to see if WW would agree to write a NC letter.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Posts: 8,240
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Posts: 8,240 |
I believe Larry was asking you so you would think about protecting your kids from being taken far away from you. You should have something that says that your WW wouldn't be able to leave your area with your kids.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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