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Yes, Plan B is definitely on my mind. Some folks have suggested that recently. I don't know if I am ready because I think that means the end...is that wrong? I'm still emotionally invested in this so if I am way off base, I'd appreciate some feedback. I've read that Plan B is to protect you from going crazy after fruitless efforts. I'm not near that point yet. Heck, I made it through a military academy and combat so I don't give up that easy. Firstly, YES, YES, YES to EVERYTHING that Mel just said to you, ARK! I was JUST discussing your thread with Mr. W and saying the SAME things! Then I hit "refresh" and saw that Mel confirmed my thoughts... When I read the quote from you above I immediately thought "END" to WHAT? The CRUELTY, the TORTURE, the ABUSE? What is it that you have now that you are hoping won't "end"? Certainly not a marriage in the true sense of the word, right? My next thoughts were, "REALLY, you are now to the point of comparing your marriage to the military academy and combat?" Do you not see what is wrong with that POV, Ark? I very firmly and unabashedly recommend Plan B -- Please note the perspective I am coming from - I am a FWW...And remember, "if you change nothing, nothing changes"... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I've read that Plan B is to protect you from going crazy after fruitless efforts. I'm not near that point yet. Heck, I made it through a military academy and combat so I don't give up that easy. I think you have already given up because you won't do anything to save your marriage. The plans have TWO PARTS, not just one. conflict avoiders have a tendency to grasp onto Plan A and make it a way of life. But Plan A only works in FIFTEEN PERCENT of the cases to end the affair and persuade the WS to commit to the marriage. Your wife has already had 2 affairs and is likely looking for another. What you have done is trained your wife to have unrealistic expectations of entitlement which has harmed your marriage immensely. You have been in Plan Conflict Avoidance for a very long time and it has availed you nothing. The bar has been lowered so far that your wife is just living down to your expectations. Plan A is not supposed to be a way of life for conflict avoiders, ark. It is supposed to be a very short phase that seques into Plan B. Up to 6 months for men, 3-4weeks for women. Plan B does not mean the "END", but avoiding conflict and doing nothing DOES. Ok, so by that I take it you are recommending Plan B. I do feel pretty abused now. I guess the only thing that gave me hope was that waiting out the withdrawal with Plan A worked last year to end the affair and start recovery. She just didnt commit to the recovery when temptation reared its head again. So, I DO appreciate the blunt honesty. This is a hard step since I do feel I am quitting after working so hard. But, if that is the plan, that is the plan. Now, help me with Plan B. How do I start. Do I give her an ultimatum to commit or get out. Thanks.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Now, help me with Plan B. How do I start. Do I give her an ultimatum to commit or get out. Just explain to her that you are not willing to continue the marriage under these conditions anymore because it is too painful. Ask her to move out. Tell her since she doesn't want to commit to the marriage, you feel its only right that she do the moving and let you and the boys keep the house. Start out with that, and if she won't move out, then you can file on her and try to get her out that way. But you first have to separate. Get that part done and then we can help you write a Plan B letter.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[Ok, so by that I take it you are recommending Plan B. I do feel pretty abused now. I guess the only thing that gave me hope was that waiting out the withdrawal with Plan A worked last year to end the affair and start recovery. Were you smoking crack when you wrote this? Plan A has not worked. It RARELY DOES.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Today she told me that she took her "Christian" psychologist a lot of the literature that I had (MB posts and strategies) and then told her side of the story and asked what she should do. He told her that she should divorce me and should have done it months ago. (stretching the truth maybe??).
She also told me "Do you know how close I am to putting a gun to my head?". That reminded me of something I read in one of the Harley books about how sometimes people feel this way. Plan B should begin by getting her moved out. "You want to divorce - let's try that for a while - you move out on your own without support from me so that you get a good idea that I'm not keeping you here. Maybe that Christian Minister/Counselor you saw can suggest such a place for you to go, since he's breaking the very essence of Christian marriage with his advice - I'm not keeping you here You are free to go. Perhaps get the venting part out before you talk with her. But she needs to stop using you if she's going to get divorced anyway - she needs to GO.
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Today she told me that she took her "Christian" psychologist a lot of the literature that I had (MB posts and strategies) and then told her side of the story and asked what she should do. He told her that she should divorce me and should have done it months ago. (stretching the truth maybe??). Tell her "I agree with him and feel we should move forward. When will you be moving out?"
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,
from men whose words are perverse,
13 who leave the straight paths
to walk in dark ways,
14 who delight in doing wrong
and rejoice in the perverseness of evil,
15 whose paths are crooked
and who are devious in their ways.
16 It will save you also from the adulteress,
from the wayward wife with her seductive words,
17 who has left the partner of her youth
and ignored the covenant she made before God. [a]
18 For her house leads down to death
and her paths to the spirits of the dead.
19 None who go to her return
or attain the paths of life.
20 Thus you will walk in the ways of good men
and keep to the paths of the righteous.
Porverbs 2 12-20
This is what you are exposing you and your children to, ark. "Path to the spirit of the dead."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[Ok, so by that I take it you are recommending Plan B. I do feel pretty abused now. I guess the only thing that gave me hope was that waiting out the withdrawal with Plan A worked last year to end the affair and start recovery. Were you smoking crack when you wrote this? Plan A has not worked. It RARELY DOES. Well maybe not, but something worked to move her from divorce last year to working on recovery-and I thought that went well for 5 months. But, that really doesn't matter now. I had hope that it would turn out the same this time, but hope isn't a method. More on Plan B.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,
from men whose words are perverse,
13 who leave the straight paths
to walk in dark ways,
14 who delight in doing wrong
and rejoice in the perverseness of evil,
15 whose paths are crooked
and who are devious in their ways.
16 It will save you also from the adulteress,
from the wayward wife with her seductive words,
17 who has left the partner of her youth
and ignored the covenant she made before God. [a]
18 For her house leads down to death
and her paths to the spirits of the dead.
19 None who go to her return
or attain the paths of life.
20 Thus you will walk in the ways of good men
and keep to the paths of the righteous.
Porverbs 2 12-20
This is what you are exposing you and your children to, ark. "Path to the spirit of the dead." I read that many times. It's good advice, maybe she will take it someday.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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[
I read that many times. It's good advice, maybe she will take it someday. My point is that you are going WITH HER, ark. She is leading you and your family down WITH HER. Ok, what is the ACTION PLAN?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well maybe not, but something worked to move her from divorce last year to working on recovery-and I thought that went well for 5 months. But, that really doesn't matter now. I had hope that it would turn out the same this time, but hope isn't a method.
More on Plan B. Noooooo...you would NOT want it to be the same this time - I read your signature...particularly this part: Started recovery in April - withdrawal lasted until June
Affair 2 (w/first boyfriend on Facebook) - started Sept 09 Withdrawal lasted until June - I've been a WW, Ark - I was so miserable to be around I couldn't even stand me - Only TWO short months later your wife was into another affair... The problem wasn't that "temptation reared it's ugly head" btw, the problem was that she failed to protect herself - and all of you - with extraordinary precautions - that would have kept her OUT of temptation's way... I am relieved to see you talking in terms of Plan B...That is the BEST thing you can do for your family right now... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Ok, a few questions before I go off half-cocked.
What if she talks about filing for divorce
What if she refuses to leave the kids here
Any other things I need to be prepared to answer or deal with
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 6,316
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To perhaps clarify my last post, Ark...
Saying the problem was that "temptation reared it's ugly head" and that's why she had another affair is like saying...
"Well the problem was that the cops around here don't have enough to do, and that is why she has gotten multiple DUIs."
The problem in both of the above scenarios is that the person continued to practice RISKY BEHAVIOR. See?
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Yeah, I understand MrsW. I was hoping that I could fill her love bank a little during recovery. I'm not sure she's not a "romantic" or disordered, but that doesn't matter now.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 6,316
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Ok, a few questions before I go off half-cocked.
What if she talks about filing for divorce
What if she refuses to leave the kids here
Any other things I need to be prepared to answer or deal with On the divorce one - Um, what if the sky were purple? What if it started raining gumdrops? Answer: SO WHAT? Filing for divorce doesn't mean divorced AND what has stopped her from filing in the 2 years that she's been having affairs? On the kids: You go file - and get temporary custody of the children, as well as the right to remain in the marital home... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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just asking...thought I read somewhere to try and delay divorce until the affair dies. I don't remember.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 6,316
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Yeah, I understand MrsW. I was hoping that I could fill her love bank a little during recovery. I'm not sure she's not a "romantic" or disordered, but that doesn't matter now. Ark, All waywards present as "disordered"...It's the nature of being wayward...I was nuttier than a fruitcake - being wayward very closely mimics many mental disorders - if you want my opinion, waywardness is a mental disorder unto itself - and it clears right up, as soon as someone STOPS being wayward...No meds or medical diagnosis needed... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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just asking...thought I read somewhere to try and delay divorce until the affair dies. I don't remember. I understand, Ark...But you are forgetting that filing does NOT mean divorced...You have to do whatever you have to do to protect your children... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 307
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She is a big cake eater now. So I want to try and make sure all that financial and daycare support isn't available?
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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