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Hey that is all you can do! You have to look at the actual problems and the mechanisms in order to find the best solution. At least, that is what I try and do with my relationship when it had problems. No, the solution is to follow the MB program, whether or not we fully undestand all the mechanisms. Read some of the other threads on this idea. If I focus on the problem, I stay living in the problem. If I focus on the solution, I get to start living in the solution.
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I want to find out what is your fault and what is his fault but not to blame either one of you. If you can figure out where the fault lies (accidental faults) you can see how to do the fix.
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You can focus on both the problem and the solution, whichever it is appropriate to do. You and I are saying the same thing.
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But if a wife goes back to the "pre-marriage state" of courting without sex, she's blasted for not meeting his EN for SF. Instead, she is put in the position of having to engage in SF BEFORE she is in love with her husband, in the hopes that by givng SF her husband will start meeting her EN afterwards and then fall in love with him. I have a word for that type of woman, and I certainly don't want to BE that type of woman. This is a STRONG statement. What is the word you would use???... I would think it would be WIFE...but that's me....  not2fun ps...I don't know much about your story, but there is a link out there directing me to that post of yours, which is why I commented on this.... My point is that I don't believe that sex should be marital currency. That sex should be the expression of intimacy, not simply the means of achiaving intimacy. The age old struggle of the man needing sex to feel close and the woman needing to feel close to have sex. Ideally, wqe should both be feeling close, and sex is the expression of that. It becomes particularly challenging when it is the wife who is taking the first step. I'm not saying that it can't be done, just that it becomes a challenge.
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My point is that I don't believe that sex should be marital currency. That sex should be the expression of intimacy, not simply the means of achiaving intimacy. The age old struggle of the man needing sex to feel close and the woman needing to feel close to have sex. Ideally, wqe should both be feeling close, and sex is the expression of that. It becomes particularly challenging when it is the wife who is taking the first step. I'm not saying that it can't be done, just that it becomes a challenge.
Is this the way you talk to your husband?
Last edited by Bubbles4U; 03/29/10 03:38 PM.
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My point is that I don't believe that sex should be marital currency.
That sex should be the expression of intimacy, not simply the means of achiaving intimacy.
The age old struggle of the man needing sex to feel close and the woman needing to feel close to have sex. Ideally, wqe should both be feeling close, and sex is the expression of that.
It becomes particularly challenging when it is the wife who is taking the first step. I'm not saying that it can't be done, just that it becomes a challenge.
Girl, you are just chock full of shoulds and rules. How could anyone enjoy talking to you if you talk like this?????
Last edited by Bubbles4U; 03/29/10 03:40 PM.
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Bubbles, She didn't ype her statement in bold or enlarge in her original post, I did that so she would know the exact statement I was questioning. I include the other part so others reading would know why she made that statement....did I make that clear???... 
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The point I was trying to make was that Ms. Thinking seems to think that woment who meet their H's need for sex even if they are not "in love" with their H's are some kind of bad word..... a type of woman she "wouldn't" want to be. She seems to find it insulting for a wife to have sex with her H even if she is not "in love" with him....I tend to wonder why??? To me those words should be reserved for where they belong, which isn't a wife who meets her H's need for sex...but again, that's me....  ....
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Bubbles, good call on the "shoulds." There is none so blind . . .  Thank you! I'm not sure where that leaves me. Guess it leaves me "thinkin" as the screen name suggests!
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The point I was trying to make was that Ms. Thinking seems to think that woment who meet their H's need for sex even if they are not "in love" with their H's are some kind of bad word..... a type of woman she "wouldn't" want to be. She seems to find it insulting for a wife to have sex with her H even if she is not "in love" with him....I tend to wonder why??? To me those words should be reserved for where they belong, which isn't a wife who meets her H's need for sex...but again, that's me.... .... I guess it's not that I find it insulting for a wife to have sex with her husband when she is not in love. More that it seems dishonest. I say seems. I'm open to otehr views, though I may not agree. I suppose the way I phrased that whole bit that you originally quotes was a bit over-dramatic. Could have done better
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Well it's now time to go home since I just spent the last 1/2 hour trying to read through all of this...
Let me interject this for you to think about till I can gt back here: SF is to your H as Conversation is to you. Recreational companionship is for your husband what Affection is to you. SF is NOT just physical release or just an orgasm which can be self-induced. SF is what makes him feel the things you long to feel by him having intimate conversation with you.
He SHOULD meet your ENs. And YOU should meet HIS. This is the Care portion of MB.
But what took all that out of your Love Bank to begin with was lack of the Protection of MB, that is, avoiding Love Busters.
No matter how much you put in, if you keep taking out then nothing ever fills up.
SF is the BIGGEST deposit you can make.
Conversation or Affection is how HE needs to make those deposits. He isn't intentionally refusing to meet your ENs, he is ignorant of what has to happen because the world view is that marriage is supposed to be two unhappy people sacrificing for each other in order to be miserable together.
He doesn't see the need to maintain a love relationship because he thinks love is magic and once gone it is gone forever. He doesn't make deposits because his Love Bank isn't overflowing.
Mark (leaving work to go fill my wife's Love Bank - or at least make a deposit)
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Today's discussion on the thread has left me profoundly humbled. Not2Fun, your words of wisdom on the other "sex" thread apparently got through, too. I have remorse for the damage I have done. I "think" I even have a bit of real humility, though I'm not sure, because once you say you have humility that's when you know you don't But thank you all. You are not just friends of my marriage. You are friends of my personal recovery and tools in the hand of my higher power. God bless you, and change me. Mark, I'm not sure how much mroe I need to work on the buyer renter thing. Actually, I think I need a break to let this sink in. I need a break. It's not because any of you scared me off. I just need to process a little on my own. Thank you thank you!
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Hey, dont worry,....it is a lot in one day. A lot was stirred up for you....hopefully you will discover more within yourself because of it. Blessings are not always easy...but they are good.
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A lot of men say that they need to have sex in ordrer to feel close to their spouse or partner, and only THEN are they able to meet the other EN. And women say they need to have the other EN met before feeling close enough to have sex. Outside the marital relationship, having sex to feel close would not be acceptible. Why is it acceptible within marriage? Outside of marriage I did not promise to forsake all others. If my partner is not meeting my emotional needs outside of marriage, I can tell her goodbye and leave and find someone else who is willing to meet my emotional needs. Inside of marriage I have promised to forsake all others. Now if my wife does not meet my emotional need for sexual fulfillment, I have no hope at all of having it met. That is the difference. Of course, if you think there is an escape hatch somewhere - an affair, a divorce, an annulment - then the problem might seem so urgent. But I don't believe in any of those escape hatches. I never had sex prior to my wedding night with Prisca. I fell in love with her without sex. I have never had sex with anyone else. And I will never divorce her unless she becomes sexually unfaithful. Before getting married, even though that need was not met, I had the hope that it would be met, potentially, some day. Now, if it is not met, I have no hope.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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No, he will not shave. We have gone there before and he is not comfrotable without facial hair. He will trim the gotee back really short and that is acceptable to me, but he doesn't do this very often. I don't think he really knows how to "shave" because his dad never taught him. So most of the time he is really scruffy, because to trim his beard short everyoday is something that is not a part of his sleeping late routine.
He does know that I dislike this, but I'm not going to constantly bring it up. I have made the complaint known, and he will not change it consistently. If and when you fill out an Emotional Needs Questionnaire, be sure to make note for him of this need you have for Physical Attractiveness in your spouse. For the record, my wife has the opposite need. I need to shave and trim the edges, but the beard can't go away.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Using SF to ESTABLISH intimacy is unhealthy. Really? You know this how? Withholding sex from your spouse unless they do what you want turns all your requests into selfish demands. And it's certainly not healthy, according to St. Paul... 1Corinthians 7.5 "Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control." Am I remembering correctly that you are Catholic, or do I have you confused with someone else?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The problem is that I have never loved my the man I'm married to enough to become the right person for him. I haven't even loved myself enough to become the right person for ME. And I barely love God enough to become the right person for HIM. Aren't these integrated? Doesn't God want you to become the right person for your husband, for God's sake? I know that that is my mission. My ministry is my wife. That's the calling God has given me. Sorry I'm responding to such old posts. I wound up here on a forum search. I hope my comments are helpful.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Jewish teachings also distinguish between pre-marital sex and sex between husband and wife. What is inappropriate and unhealthy for one group is desirable for the other. It has long been the tradition that sexual relations between husband and wife on Shabbat is a "double mitzvah" because it encompasses sexual relations among spouses and celebration of the Sabbath. No such honor is accorded to sex between unmarried persons, whether on Shabbat or otherwise.
When you can see it coming, duck!
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