BTW, I am OK with quickies. And that's what it was to be this morning.

I guess we need to be really "in love" for us to do quickies though!

There was a great article in Maxim about foreplay and how to do it. It was so ....manly. Like it was a man talking to men about how to do it.

Do this, then do that, but not this way...that type of thing. I can tell you if you are tired, your mind on 100 things, it is very hard to respond to even GREAT technique much less technique from him that actually TURNS YOU OFF by mistake.

you have to start over so to speak and teach him how to make love to you. I will try and find that Maxim article.

Yes, the better the relationship, the more possible QUICKIES are. Along with proper timing, mind not on 100 things, not hungry or tired, etc.

What can you do so you can be sure to take care of your basic needs (like eating?)Have you figured out why you are choosing not to take care of your basic needs? This kinda reminds me of the directions they give you in an airplane when the oxygen masks fall. You are supposed to put your oxygen mask on first, and then help others with their oxygen masks.

Have you considered streamlining your schedule? We've found, for instance that it's best to toss in one load of wash daily. We also run the laundry while we are sleeping. We also have minimal clothes (about 10 days worth for each person), so we are not maintaining a lot.

I hear you about quieting your mind. I'm a mother of two young children as well. I work several jobs (full time and part time.) I have hobbies and volunteer. And, though I don't do the day to day care of my children (my husband does that), I do manage all the other mom stuff, play dates, most appointment setting, birthday parties, toy shopping, clothes shopping, etc. I also take care of most of the financial stuff in our house.

It is possible to quiet your mind, even with a full plate. Would you consider trying to do something as simple as some deep breaths to focus in the present, before SF, or any time during the day for that matter.

http://www.top99women.com/content/sex-positions-foreplay-and-sex-tips

This is not the one i was thinking of...

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/relationships/irony+intercourse/1431580/story.html

Still trying to find that one artical.

I guess if you want to improve your marriage, you will have to make some (good) adjustments in the bedroom. It is difficult and almost embarrasing but you can do it if you put a lot of effort into finding good ways to communicate what he needs to do to turn you on. It is a trick to do this (telling him and showing him how to kiss and whatever) and then "still be turned on" by him trying the new things.

Cant find that good artical.

Viewing porn where the women never need much to get excited makes a man think that this is the way sex should be. Easy, quick, and just what the man wants.

But it is not true with real women.

Bubbles is on point with this comment:




Thinking,

There are medical issues, so they'll need to be addressed asap of course...


You'll figure something out as far as showing him how you like it...It may be a little embarrassing, but it will become less embarrassing the more you do it. In our case, after 11 years of being with my H, we decided that I'd use the "post it note method" from the other night. I am a grown woman but I am just too embarrassed to look him in the face and say



This morning I was trying to think of a short way to write out my next request so I could leave it under the keyboard in the afternoon.

Anyway, I just want to say that I'm so glad you are jumping into this!

Now...if only I could get ahold of my passive aggressive self-sabotage thing...

Thinking,
I so identify with your post about the pain. I had a baby a few months ago and the pain is still excruciating. What worse is SF is one of my tippy-top needs and I've NEVER had any trouble in this area before. Disclaimer: I'm haven't yet read all of this thread so I'm hoping this isn't completely off base.

I know there are other issues that make the situation more complicated than JUST the pain but I thought I'd share some things that have helped with us.

Foreplay does help but if something gets rubbed the wrong way thats it, the pain has started and it isn't going away. Since I know what feels good and what doesn't and it's hard to communicate that, sometimes I 'handle' myself and my husband lays next to me, just touching me and whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

For us, sex is about the intimacy and connection. It is very much a mental thing so sometimes just talking erotically helps when actual stimulation is too much. Or watching each other 'handle' ourselves works really well to achieve this too (Trying not to be too TMI)

Trying to keep him from feeling rejected is also something I try to do since, like you, my body just doesn't get itself worked up like it used to. I can be turned on like crazy in my head and my body just isn't going there. This happens especially in Quickie situations. In situations like that I try to please him and then tell him he can give me mine later. I make it very obvious that I enjoy pleasing him, because I do - but I make sure as best as I know how that he knows. When I think of him sexually through the day after something like that, I'll send him a text or IM saying 'It was really hot when you did_____________' or '__________ REALLY turned me on, looking forward to getting me some later'.

Being able to talk about sex in a safe, open manner is very important. Find something like or using Chris's Post It Note method is a genius idea! Also, the right lube could really help.

As far as dealing with the hundred and one things running through your mind keeping you from getting into that mood - I've found journaling or meditating helps me put it all on a mental shelf for later so I can focus on my DH now. I'm not saying when he initiates run to write in your journal, but by doing it every day my mind is more at peace.

Thanks for all the suggestions.

The basic needs thing really struck me. I have never been able to take care of my basic needs well. The times when I've done it the best were when I lived alone. When I live with othr people, I seem to shut down. It is hard to explain, and I don't have time right now to get into it. This is where the eating disorder comes in as well.

I think it is a symptom of a greater problem.

Just like some women (and men) don't ever "learn" how to clean a house because someone always did it for them. I think the same thing about my taking care of myself. Someone always did it for me. I was over-parented. And the fact that I now have 3 children makes it very difficult to take care of myself. I feel pulled in so many directions and feel like everyone is making demands, and it's more than I can handle sometimes, so I shut down and shut everyone out. I don't want to do that anymore, but saying I don't want to and making that decision is not enough. And unfortunately this is something a bit beyond the scope of MB.

I am hoping to get help. I need to make an appointment with an IC to help with some of these things. How do you find a pro-marriage IC? I have been seeing a MC for a while (totally useless and dull) but we have stopped that. And I've had other ICs before and I really have no idea how to find one that will whack me upside the head when I need it. I do have the name of one person who is familiar with Alanon, so that's where I was going to start. But pro-marriage too? What questions do I ask?

Then there's the physical thing. It will involve outpatient procedure under general anesthesia, and probably 8 weeks or so of physical therapy.

We're talking a lot of money here that we don't have in the budget. I'll have to work it in there I guess.

Then there's the physical thing. It will involve outpatient procedure under general anesthesia, and probably 8 weeks or so of physical therapy



AUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

If only you could get your husband to quit TURNING YOU OFF toward sex, and learn some good techniques, and you did not force yourself to have painful, turned off sex......THEN DO YOU SEE.....you would not need this surgery!!!!!!!


Auuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I feel the pain of being with that APE you married!!!!!!

What he does to try to get you in bed is ABUSE!!!!!!!

I am only half kidding here, but I resolve NOT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN until you rid yourself of this husband.....I am kidding...but stilll.......aughhhhhhhhh! The pain of being with a man like that!

I would "go religious" too, if only to avoid him. I would pray I never had to have sex with him again. Or that he would change completely in the bedroom and become sensitive, loving, respectful, and sexy.

These men are NONE OF THAT!!!!

You're confused. It's not surgery., It's a procedure where they use a catheter. For most people this would not be painful. For me, with this condition, it is more painful than anything I can describe, and I have a high tolerance for pain, had three kids without drugs, have had kidney stones . . . So they put you under, blow up your bladder full of a cocktail of numbing drugs that help the bladder feel less irritated for a good long while (months).

The physical therapy is to work with the vaginal muscles that are so used to tightening. You know how they tell us to do Kegels? My pelvic floor didn't need kegels.

And the condition is not cause by bad sex. At least, not physiologically,.

I am a strong believer in the mind/body connection, and this may be my body "protecting" me. It started sometime after we began abstaining from sex before marriage, so we were engaged. Our wedding night was incredibly painful, and we were both taken by surprise because it hadn't really been an issue before.

I am sorry!!!!!


Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I know that if we do not have that kind of sex enough, GYN exams become difficult for me. That is the closest I have come to that kind of pain.

Sorry about your husband being that way. And he is a gamer besides the disrespect in the bedroom?????


AUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGJHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I did not know the whole story. I guess you have to be SUPER RELIGIOUS IN ORDER TO ACTUALLY FORCE YOURSELF TO STAY MARRIED TO SUCH A MAN!!!!!!!!

Alanon/the church/nothing will help this man change into a good marriage partner......except perhaps YOU. You will have to take the reins and make him change into a good human being who is better in bed....I dont know.

I am at a loss ...sorry i misjudged you.

Think, if I remember, one of the stories in His Needs, Her Needs was almost exactly like that.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Q&A articles about sexual incompatibility here?

Well, I'll try to catch up between now and next Tuesday and weigh in when I get time...

We have a "promise" in alanon, that we may find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. Well, I'm pretty sure I do not live with an alcoholic. But the same applies no matter what "disease" we live with, mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. When we begin to realize that we can't change other people and put the focus back on ourselves, it is then that we realize that "happiness is an inside job" and that I am responsible for my own happiness. There is a great Catholic speaker/author/lecturer who describes happiness simply as being good. Meaning, not knowing that I follow the rules perfectly, but that I do my best each day to follow my understanding of the will of God. It is when we fight the will of God with our own self-will that we end up unhappy. Anyway, I digress. My point is, I can be happy in knowing I have done my best regardless of what my husband does or does not do. I can be happy whetehr or not I am married. I can be happy whether or not I have children. I can be happy if I lose my house and my work and don't know when the next meal will come. Because that is my right. I have three rights. Life, free will, and the choice to persue goodness.