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My husband (of 12yrs) recently came clean on an affair from months ago. It lasted 4 months....only because he is military and had to come home. He says it is the first, only, and last time. I suspected, questioned and he still lied...for 6 months. Only reason he told is I caught him emailing her. We are seperated by a few states right now....he had taken a job elswhere. We were all planning on going but the bomb was dropped 1 week prior to him leaving. my problem is that before we got married and throughout our marriage I emphasized how horrible I thought cheating was and that I didn't think I could ever forgive it.....now I am actually in the situation.I do love him.....but do I go against everything I have believed to fix this? I need help in forgiving.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
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broken, I think you can begin to find the answers you need by reading this three part series: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.htmlhttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042b_qa.htmlhttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042c_qa.htmlforgiveness will be much easier after you are convinced that your husband considers your feelings whenever he makes a decision (follows the Policy of Joint Agreement), is completely honest with you about everything (follows the Policy of Radical Honesty), and is meeting your important emotional needs. For you to be convinced, he must not only agree to these changes, but he must also demonstrate his commitment by living them for a while. Forgiveness may still require a bit of generosity on your part, but if he makes these changes, I think you'll be able to handle it. When that happens, the burden of resentment you are carrying will be lifted, and the love you have for each other will be restored.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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My husband (of 12yrs) recently came clean on an affair from months ago. It lasted 4 months....only because he is military and had to come home. He says it is the first, only, and last time. I suspected, questioned and he still lied...for 6 months. Only reason he told is I caught him emailing her. We are seperated by a few states right now....he had taken a job elswhere. We were all planning on going but the bomb was dropped 1 week prior to him leaving. my problem is that before we got married and throughout our marriage I emphasized how horrible I thought cheating was and that I didn't think I could ever forgive it.....now I am actually in the situation.I do love him.....but do I go against everything I have believed to fix this? I need help in forgiving. Welcome to MB, broken. Sorry you're here, but you're among friends. It's funny - the things we profess to believe in and what we actually end up doing are often not the same things. You'll see that here, time and time again. My FWH and I said the same thing: If either one of us screwed around, our M was over. It was our "one unforgiveable sin." Well, he did it and we're still together 14 months later. The truth is that you don't know what you're going to do til you get there. Now here you are. Time to start reading everything on this site. You'll get an eyeopener on what A's are, how they get started, how to end them, and how to heal your M. It's not about the sex, it's not about anything wrong with you. Read and learn, broken. If your goal is to learn to forgive him, you'll find help here. Questions: Who is the OW? Is she married? What are you doing now in regards to your relationship with your WH? Why haven't you joined him?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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How do you forgive your spouse after and affair?
At least it was for me.
Forgiveness does not equal forget.
Just to remind you.
You will forgive.
You will never forget.
The moment I finally crossed over into "forgiveness" happened in church.
We were saying "The Lord's Prayer".
"And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us"
If I was asking to be forgiven, I best be offering forgiveness as well.
It is a two way street.
It's a big step.
Don't beat yourself up if you can't do it right away.
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broken: Welcome to Marriage Builders, the club nobody wants to join. I am not going to restate what you have already been told. This is a place where you can vent and you can learn. Mostly learn. But that will be up to you. Your best route is to post here often and with detail. Note the way I use paragraphs. Helps us with old eyes read what you have to say and respond. What I want is to start calling you 5SEC.  Larry
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ow is not married and in another country. What I am doing in regards to my husband is staying put right now. I have 2 kids in school and they finish may 28....we planned on joining him afterwards, before I got the news.
It is funny where we find ourselves and I plan on reading alot that is on this website. My WH is actually the one who steered me here...he has posted as well. We talk alot....but I cannot let go....This has been with in the last 3 weeks. My heart still hurts like crazy, it's hard to breathe at times, I get flashes of anger and then hysterical crying fits....I am in no control and I can't stand that.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
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Thank you marcos, I plan on reading all you suggested. My WH also has been on this site...he has posted as well, not here though...he has ordered some books for us to read, hopefully that will help.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
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ow is not married and in another country. What I am doing in regards to my husband is staying put right now. I have 2 kids in school and they finish may 28....we planned on joining him afterwards, before I got the news.
It is funny where we find ourselves and I plan on reading alot that is on this website. My WH is actually the one who steered me here...he has posted as well. We talk alot....but I cannot let go....This has been with in the last 3 weeks. My heart still hurts like crazy, it's hard to breathe at times, I get flashes of anger and then hysterical crying fits....I am in no control and I can't stand that. What is your WH's posting name? What you are feeling right now is normal. You are the survivor of a terrible crime. Many compare the emotions to post traumatic stress syndrome. It's horrible, unlike anything else. But you will survive this and it will get better, hear me, 5sec? It will get better. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Should I really give that info....He had given it to me and I have read his posts. I believe he is sorry....Don't know if it is only because he was caught or not. He seems geniune but then again I believed this would never ever happen....guess I have egg on my face for that.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
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Should I really give that info....He had given it to me and I have read his posts. I believe he is sorry....Don't know if it is only because he was caught or not. He seems geniune but then again I believed this would never ever happen....guess I have egg on my face for that. We only ask so we can read his past posts as well, in order to see what kind of mindset he's got/had. No need to give it if you're not comfortable doing so.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Hi there, a lot of are faced with this question, me as well, I too believed that an affair was something I couldn't accept and forgive......
I think you have to give yourself lots of time to work through your emotions when it comes to the affair, it's like a death and there are a few stages to live through before you can make a good decision. I feel differently now then I did 4 months ago when I found out......I'm calmer now and my emotions don't just take over anymore...
There is a lot to consider, what is your husband willing to do to make things right, was the marriage in a good place or did it need some work, we have to be honest about a lot of things now.....I have learned a lot about myself in all this.
You don't need to decide this minute, take your time, figure out what you want and if you two both still want the marriage, then work at it and make it the best you can make it, use this as a jumping off point to success...
I agree with the above poster, I think forgiveness is in all of us that are generous at heart, but do we ever forget No!........There isn't a marriage out there that is perfect I guess we all have to decide what works for us and you know yourself and your husband and you in your heart know if staying together is something you two can work out........Honesty and Self searching now is the key to creating a good marriage.
good luck
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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I think it is deerhunter71. I have been reading so I don't see why he would mind.
I am thankful he found this...it's nice to hear from others who have been thru the same and how they coped. I don't feel alone but I still feel out of control.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
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Broken5, I've seen your H's posts. (Sorry, I haven't chimed in on his thread, because I've needed a break from posting here for the past few weeks.)
I hate that you are where you are. I put my own wife in such a situation starting in Oct.2008. After I got backed into a corner by events, I had to come clean to her (15 months ago today, in fact). Throughout the affair, I never had it in mind to leave my wife, but I also was content to "have my cake & eat it too" and to keep putting off doing the right thing. Until my other woman's husband found her out, I'd kept everything secret; and so you can say that I too ended it only because I finally had gotten caught.
All I can offer you for the moment is the hope that it is certainly possible that his regret is genuine, and that it can evolve into a proactive remorse where he looks to do right by you & strives, albeit imperfectly, to make your relationship better than it was before his affair.
And that has to be your mutual goal: to make your relationship better than it ever was before his affair. (Because however it was before, that wasn't good enough to keep this from happening.) This will take hard work by both of you, on a sustained basis. Even best-case, you shouldn't expect to be over things in a month or 6 months or even a year or more. As I think you already recognize, your ability to recover will be heavily contingent upon his effort in protecting you, being honest/transparent with you, and making sustained efforts to meet your emotional needs, going forward from now. It'll take him coming to grips with & acknowleging just how selfish he let himself get. (It's that selfishness that's at the root of these things ... it enables all the lies and deception and everything that goes along with this stuff.) That realization sometimes takes wayward spouses a while to come around to. At the same time, although the decision to engage in the affair was all his & although his choice to do so was inexcusable, he can't fix things all by himself without a conscious decision on your part to give him a shot at making amends to you, and without effort by you to meet whatever needs he had that he improperly sought fulfillment for outside your marriage.
My wife also thought I'd never do what I did. And, up until the time I started getting involved in my affair, I'd have told you that you were crazy if you'd even have suggested that I could potentially get involved in one. Sometimes heretofore "good men" jettison good sense and do horrible things, and there's little making sense of it.
Hang in there and keep reading here (especially the Harley material in the yellow box at the right side of the page). Most of the folks here are betrayed spouses who've suffered what you're suffering and can give you some of the best advice you'll get anywhere.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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All I can offer you for the moment is the hope that it is certainly possible that his regret is genuine, and that it can evolve into a proactive remorse where he looks to do right by you & strives, albeit imperfectly, to make your relationship better than it was before his affair. This is how I feel as well. Who I am today is not who I was then. I am more aware of my weaknesses then I ever was before it all. I can protect myself and my marriage. Its like - there was a ccrack in m foundation I couldnt see before. Now i have the contractors out (dr. harley and the bible)...I have bought the new timbers and cement and I am securing that crack and double re enforcing it. And, up until the time I started getting involved in my affair, I'd have told you that you were crazy if you'd even have suggested that I could potentially get involved in one. Sometimes heretofore "good men" jettison good sense and do horrible things, and there's little making sense of it ditto - saddly - my H was suspicious of me before I ever cheated...he had set up a video tape in the room where i chatted on the internet with men...has me on tape saying "I will never cheat on you, never never never."...Hard for him to believe me...but - saying you wont touch the fire is different once you have had to scrap off the burnt flesh...bandage it and carefully help it heal for months. Once you have been burnt and healed - well not only will you not touch the flame...but you stay as far away from the the wood, the matches, the fire place and anything else that might be flamable...Itslike...an old injury though completely healed that aches when ever you see what caused it. I am sorry your here broken5...i really wish you healing in your life and a recovered marriage.
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Here is a copy of my wife's take on forgiveness...... maybe you can gleen some helpful info from it... She was responding to a post from another member about forgiveness as well.... she posted this over two years ago. I thank you for this topic, as I understand why you posted it. I started a thread back in August during our false recovery on this very topic.
Forgiveness is an act or attitude, IMHO, that I CHOOSE. I chose to forgive my husband, I think, immediately. Or, at least, after the initial shock wore off. Why did I forgive? Because I knew I could never restore my marriage without forgiveness. I could never have what I was working so hard to fight for, if I did not forgive. Without my forgiveness, our marriage was doomed...no matter what my FWS was willing to do for me.
So, what is forgiveness and how do I know I have done it? I believe forgiveness means removing the PUNISHMENT for the offense (not to be confused with consequences). What is the punishment for infidelity? Well, my religion must come in here. The punishment for sin is death? Should my FWS receive death? Should he receive the same betrayal and abandonment I suffered? Should he be so beaten down that he no longer feels worthy of love and forgiveness?
All those things would be punishment. How do I know I have forgiven my FWS? Because I do not want him to receive the appropriate punishment for his betrayal and abandonment. Because I do not feel pleasure or justification when he is agonizing over the damage he caused to me and our children. In fact, I hurt FOR him when he is overwhelmed with his grief, guilt and shame. That is how I know I have forgiven him.
But the truth is I forgave him before he wanted it. I did not ever desire him to receive the appropriate punishment for his betrayal.
I DID want him to suffer the natural consequences, however. But not to hurt him; but because I knew that those consequences would help to restore him to God and to his family, where he belonged and needed to be.
I find it incredibly difficult to have this conversation without it centering around my spiritual faith, although I AM trying.
You see, I KNOW that I could NOT forgive this offense without God's supernatural happening inside of me. This is all way too big for me.
I NEED God to:
help me forgive
heal my wounds
restore my marriage
unite us again in body and spirit
This IS ALL supernatural. How can I remove God from this discussion????
I remember last summer being worried that I would forgive "too quickly" because I am a forgiving person. I sought God's guidance in the question of WHEN to forgive. Here is a cut and paste of my post back in August. I agree with my statement even more today. We watched THE PASSION on Easter, and it reminded me of this.
I didn�t want to forgive my husband for his infidelity before it was the �right time�. Fearing that I might too quickly forgive my husband before he is �deserving�, I prayed that God would show me when the right time would be. God immediately spoke audibly to me the verse, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." The he said it to me again a little differently: "Forgive him, SMB, for he knows not what he has done."
I felt overwhelmed as I considered Jesus� great suffering. It must have been an emotional suffering as well as a physical one. How did Jesus forgive and when? It appears to me that, Jesus, being consumed with love for those who persecuted Him, offered complete forgiveness with the hope that those same people would be restored to His Father in Heaven. He forgave immediately, in the midst of His agony, when His suffering was the greatest. He didn't wait "x" amount of months; he didn't wait to see remorse/repentance, he didn't wait for any action or words from the offender. He offered forgiveness immediately WHILE he suffered. He asked his Father to forgive them as he sacrificed himself to save them.
Today, I see this as true. FWS DIDN'T know what he had done. He could not yet comprehend what destruction he was causing...to those he loved most. And those that crusified Jesus, could not yet comprehend what their actions meant.
THAT did NOT stop Jesus from forgiving them while he was at his GREATEST suffering.
So this is the IDEAL. But we all know that forgiveness can be challenging. We may have to CHOOSE to forgive every single day. We may have days where we do not FEEL like forgiving. I think early on, some BS's have to make a daily choice to have an attitude of forgiveness, but must be patient with themselves when the triggers bring on the immense hurt or anger. Over time, forgiveness will get easier and eventually be a non-issue...as long as we are seeking to be forgiving.
But we complicate forgiveness, thinking it is more than it is. In my book, it is removing the appropriate punishment...or the desire for the appropriate punishment to be divvied out.
It is NOT:
removal of natural consequences
forgetting the offense
pretending everything is restored
refusing to process the emotions that resulted from the infidelity (hurt, anger, sorrow, grief)
trusting without reason
I know that Dr. H talks about just compensation. I think this is a great concept, which I understand better now that I have witnessed it from my FWS. He has offered a great deal of just compensation, ranging from steps to protect our marriage to a post nup agreement that gives me the cash value of his business.
But my forgiveness is NOT dependent on his just compensation. There is nothing he can do to DESERVE my forgiveness. It is there only because I CHOOSE it to be.
BUT his just compensation DOES help restore my trust in him. It does make me feel safe in our marriage again. It does rebuild the relationship that was devastated. It does demonstrate to me his commitment to be my husband forever.
My personal belief is that forgiveness is GIVEN, not earned. It is an choice the BS makes for no reason other than it is right. Without it, marriages cannot be restored. With it, all things are possible. No matter what our FWS do, without our forgiveness, our marriages are doomed.
I know I have forgiven because I do not want my FWS to receive his "just reward" for this betrayal and abandonment. To me, that's is the only thing forgiveness is about.
But forgiveness opens to door to a lot of other wonderful things...restored relationships, peace and joy.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Should I really give that info....He had given it to me and I have read his posts. I believe he is sorry....Don't know if it is only because he was caught or not. He seems geniune but then again I believed this would never ever happen....guess I have egg on my face for that. Since you have read your husband's posts, you should recognize who I am. I have posted to BH71 a bunch and intend to keep on as often as he posts and says something. I think he is worth my time. I note that Schoolbus has also posted to him and from what I have seen, she doesn't do so to waste her time either. And she is better at this advice stuff than am I. What you will learn here and from the books, is a set of emotional tools that when properly used, will last you a lifetime. Out of the rubble of your marriage, you will find ways of reaching a level of happiness you probably would have never reached otherwise. All you have to do is learn and develop and do the program. I am excited for both you and your husband. It is rare for both parties to both work on the marriage and recovery at the same time. It is usually just one working and the other either following along or acting demented as the case may be. I am proud of BH71 having the courage and the smarts to come here. Most males have a thing about relationship books and help, sorta like going to the Dentist. Not BH71, he is really getting with it. And that 5SEC is really, really a big deal. Secondly, I am proud of you showing up here and asking for help. It shall be provided Larry
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I can't be more thankful than I am now for my husband coming on here and steering me here. This is a difficult time for us. I know he is hurting as much as I am. I have gotten wonderful advise as I feel my husband has as well. You are all being more helpful than you will ever know.
I love my husband....I don't like to see him suffering, but I don't want him to forget how much he hurt me either. This is so new for me to be so out of control, I know that in time that will get better. I also know with the help of all of you that it is possible.
My husband is really trying hard and I am pretty impressed with what he has dug up already. He has alittle more "excitement" in it but I am trying, that is all I can offer right now.His intentions are definitely noticed.
BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
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BS 40
WH 38
married 1997
broken March 20, 2010 by reading an email
WH here deerhunter71
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I can't be more thankful than I am now for my husband coming on here and steering me here. This is a difficult time for us. I know he is hurting as much as I am. I have gotten wonderful advise as I feel my husband has as well. You are all being more helpful than you will ever know.
I love my husband....I don't like to see him suffering, but I don't want him to forget how much he hurt me either. This is so new for me to be so out of control, I know that in time that will get better. I also know with the help of all of you that it is possible.
My husband is really trying hard and I am pretty impressed with what he has dug up already. He has alittle more "excitement" in it but I am trying, that is all I can offer right now.His intentions are definitely noticed. you say you are thankful he steered you here, and you notice his actions. Have you let him know your thoughts? Just don't be so hard hearted. If he is trying to get in then just let him. Sooner or later you will forgive him. You don't have to forgive him immediatley. Instead work with him, soften your heart, and let yourself love him, even though he has wronged you, then you can forgive him. I assume you don't want to forgive right now because you are afraid that this could happen again. If you don't soften up a little it will happen again. Lets make up statistice here. You can have a 20% chance of making things work out if you don't soften up, and a 80% chance of making thinkgs work if you do soften up.
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For the record ... and speaking only for myself ....
I see NO EVIDENCE that you are "hard hearted".
None whatsoever.
I see evidence that you have been deeply wounded.
You will soften your heart when it is time for you to do so.
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