We are 21 months past D-Day and like you, I could not believe that my DH of 15 years at the time was even capable of being such a deceiver. His integrity and the strength of our M was something the gave me great pride. He started his A while overseas alone when he was there a couple of months. I joined him later and he continued his A with the XOW for the next year only seeing her five times during that year when he traveled to the location she worked. To say that I was devestated would be an understatement. I actually can admit to being on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have never felt anything so horrible. It took me a long time before I even tried to forgive my DH. I went through extreme emotions and the anger I exhibited scared me and my DH like crazy. During our long M, I never disrespected my DH the way I did after D-Day.

When a M couple is living apart it is very difficult because it is so hard to meet each other's emotional needs. You can't do it. We couldn't do it being oceans apart. It took me a long time to realize that my DH is not perfect and that his loneliness and not having his family left him vulnerable. The A continued because once me and our kids moved overseas with him he was already "addicted" to the feel goods of having a woman worship the ground he walks on. The woman was a native in the third world country where we were and she literally treated my DH like a god the few times they were together. While I am inhibited when it comes to my DH, and I not shy in the bedroom and I love to pamper my DH once he was with someone who thought he was a king he found it hard to break away from the cycle. The moment I found out my DH called her in front of me, told her how much he loved me and how stupid he was and we left that country.

Realize that your DH is under a lot of pressure being away from his family. Make sure you make every effort to create a safe environmnet for your DH. I had to forgive my DH in segments. He told me the entire story of his A and I forgave him for each even seperately because forgiving all at once was too hard. The part that I had a hard time with is that we found out the the xow was sleeping with so many other guys and my DH was actually shocked to realize that she was such a wh*re. No duh sherlock!! That made me mad for a long time but I finally had to realize that he had to make her out to not be such a bad person because if she is that terrible (which she was) what does that make him in his mind.

You can rebuild a stronger M and union but it takes time and a lot of hard work. I can tell you that I thought our M was perfect before, but now our M isn't perfect but we have reached a greater level of intimacy and our M is "protected" becuase my DH and I go out of our way to protect and safeguard it.

I know you feel like you are going to die right now but trust me, it does get better. I actually laughed the other day when I thought about one of the stupid things my DH did during his A and that was a real growth spurt for me. Work hard on your M and let your DH know how much you love him even when you are hating him for what he did.

Yes, I have let him know my thoughts, he has also read this thread as I have his. Thanks for your input.

5sec,

Forgiveness, IMO, is something that cannot be rushed. It took me AGES to reach forgiveness. I don't get hurt or angry easily, but once I have been deeply hurt or angered, I usually don't ever let go of that. So it was literally months (like 2 or 2.5 years) before I felt true forgiveness enter my heart.

What you CAN do is tell DH71 what he can do to help you feel safer. Like give you his password to all his accounts, or get a cellphone that has GPS and keep it on and enabled and on his body at all times so you can see where he is, or put a keylogger on his computer so you can see where he's been surfing/chatting/emailing and what he's said. Make sure he knows you're requesting these things (or whatever is appropriate for your situation) not to punish him, but to let him know how he can make you feel safe. He is repentant, and he will want you to feel safe.

In MY case, when I felt safe I was able to relax and only after I could relax could I forgive.

I'm so glad you came here to post. Welcome to MB.

Thanks Cobol-girl, I do tell him I love him and in the same sentence I tell him how much I hate him right now. We talk everyday, 2x a day, and we email or text when we are thinking something. I think we are on the right track, I just have to get this forgiving thing dowh.

broken-I do not see you as hardened, it's more like you have a shield around your heart. You were hurt in the worst possible way.

I don't think it has been mentioned yet, but you two should probably stay off of each other's threads.

Please be patient with the forgiving. You'll get there.

okay folks, here I am at 1:00 a.m and have a rush of madness. I can't stop thinking of the act....I keep telling myself it is done and over with, focus on something I can do something about. Here is my "i just can't believe he did this" moment. uuuggghhh, I hate being out of control!

Where do I find the abbreviation list??

Go to the forum list and select notable posts. See the list down at the bottom of this page? While you are there, read longhorn and Wats posts. Keep in mind, that you have a repentant WH, an FWH

So some of what you read is past history for you.

Larry

Post on this board like crazy and talk to your DH until you run out of breath. The fact that you are staying with him after such a disgusting act shows how much you really love him. I know its hard. One of the hardest things for me was to re-gain respect for my DH. I regurgitated when I thought about him and that nast woman. She was ugly and nasty and it made me sick to my stomach for a long time. I have learned to control my thoughts (somewhat) and not get sick when I think about what he did. I know you love your DH with all your heart. No one could stay with their spouse after infidelity if they didn't love them. You are going to have some really crazy times but take care of yourself and your DH. He really needs you right now. I didn't realize for a long time that my DH needed me as much as he did until one day it was a look of desperation in his eyes that told me he loved me and needed me more than ever.

pepperband, thanks so much for your words...they really do help. I am grateful for this site and all who dedicate themselves to help others. I am sure I will be posting alot. Yes, I do love my husband and yes that makes me mad especially after the A....but that doesn't change the love I have for him, surprisingly. I know it will take time and I am starting to do things to pamper myself.

Dang, Pep.
Nailed it again. That was beautiful, and spot on.

wow Pepper, what great words...

I think everyone who's in recovery from an A (including me!) should take your words to heart...

Okay so, I have been reading things and listening to things and everything suggests that the BS usually has given reason to the A happening. I don't believe it....everyone has temptations, it is our decisions that create the problem. Right?

"While you are there, read longhorn and Wats posts"

Larry, can't find what you are talking about, can you be more specific?

You did find notable posts, right? And the abbreviations?

Larry

Keep reading. Basically, the seeds of temptation are in all of us. And a lousy marriage is no excuse for adultery. There doesn't seem to be a correlation between the quality of the marriage and the incidence of cheating.

Larry

broken,

Forgiving is something that doesn't just happen, and yet it seems like it does.

It sort of unfolds. Little by little, it creeps up on you, and then all of a sudden you realize you have forgiven. So it isn't something you will rush, or can rush, or can say to yourself, "Okay, today you need to forgive him."

There was a thread "On Forgiveness" a long time ago somewhere. Don't know if it got lost in the system crash, but we can see. Maybe bump it up for old time's sake. Lots of people contributed to that, and it was pretty good.

I've posted to your husband. So that you know, I have a little specialty in knowing people via their writing. He is honest and sincere. He regrets what he has done. He is desperate to figure out what he can do to help you get through this. His major problem is that he is a fixer, and he wants to be able to fix it all and have things be "right" as soon as .... now .... only that isn't soon enough! He is devastated at his own behavior, and that he has hurt you, and wants the marriage to be better and stronger. He does want the marriage to be rebuilt in a stronger fashion - and he wants to be the man you need him to be.


It won't happen today, though. It takes awhile, can be up to two years or more, depending on the people and the work they do.

But you can forgive, you can rebuild your marriage, and he can become the kind of husband you need him to be to support you through this.

And yes, you can post here throughout the ordeal - because for every new BW, there is a team of us who has already walked the path you are on right now.

Someday, you will be posting to a newly betrayed wife, and telling her that SHE can make it through. Believe that - because it is true.


Hang in there.

Schoolbus

Thank You schoolbus, I needed that right about now. I hung up on WH just a few minutes ago because I didn't like one of his answers. I just don't want to talk to him right now. I am angry....again.....