Broke:

See my last post.

There is something I would like to add to Dr. Harley's concepts that might help you. There are several actual types of affairs and he refuses to go into detail for his own reasons. Most folks don't need the detail I am about to give you, but I think you do.

There are guys and gals who have affairs out of entitlement. They think they can get away with it and a lot of them are serial predators who give not one hoot about their spouses.

Another type (and there are others) sorta falls into an affair more by accident than on purpose (I can send you to the 15 Steps to an Affair thing) and that type almost always has two things in common. The first is that they rebond with their family even more than they were before once the affair is dead. Secondly, they usually thought well of their affair partner AT THE TIME, because that is their nature.

I have had folks tell me they would prefer that their spouse would have had an entitlement affair, with no emotional bond. I go "Oh yea!" How soon do you think they will get an itch and do it again?

The one with empathy will almost never, ever do it again and will work real hard for redemption and recovery and often be a much better partner than before. There is way more hope and promise with the guy who has a heart than one who is heartless.

Larry

Okay so here it is, I thought that my husband could not ever do something like this, mainly because he went thru it himself when I met him. He was married young, 3years, with a WW who didn't want to stay married. That is when we met. Over the years I have seen him turn into someone with heart, morals, respect. That all went out the window this last deployment...I can't say that I can accept any responsibility for that. I don't know what happened, why he was able to do what he did, and know that it was wrong but kept doing it. Will there ever be an answer...who knows....All I know is that several times, I was home, with 2 kids, the house, full time job, and the responsibility of keeping things strait while he was gone. He has no excuse for doing what he did.....I am so angry right now I can barely stand it.....In the long run....i love him....why does this have to be so hard!!

One more thing. I want to share my personal mantra with you that I have practiced for years. I am a sinner. I don't like being a sinner, so I have adjusted and changed over the years to not be one. But I am one because the seeds are within all of us.

Any relationship I have is going to be with someone just like me, a sinner. If someone tells me they have never done something wrong, I a) know they are a liar, and b) can't imagine how I could ever live up to that level of High Minded arrogance.

I prefer a relationship with someone who has got it wrong, realized it and fixed what was wrong in themselves to preclude them ever doing it again. I like that better than a relationship with someone who has never had to challenge a mistake they made and grow accordingly. I would always worry that the one without sin would wake up one fine morning and cause me more problems than I want in my life.

It is often said on this site that the person who says they would never have an affair is the one most likely to go there.

In my view, the probability of BH having an affair in his future is somewhere between never going to happen and zero. He has been to the mountain and the mountain fell on his sorry ar^se and he wants no part of it in his future. That is a pretty good place to be. Some better than a guy who has never done it but could some day. Of course it would have been a whole lot easier for him to have learned the lesson way earlier in his life, like before your watch, but there is not reset button.

Larry

Broke:


I wish I had a magic wand. I really do. I would wave it at you two good people and make it all go away. See, I have seen so many other people here and have been where you are myself. So I know how you feel. I had a double betrayal. My closest relative, the only one left in our family besides me. He was the OM, the only one I, smart guy that I though I was, trusted to be close to my wife. I thought I knew all about affairs.

I didn't. I thought I knew all about it for any number of reasons, but I didn't. I guess I do now. I have been here off and on for five years. You see a lot in five years.

If it helps you, I have seldom seen a man so repentant as your husband. He is the poster guy for the repentant spouse. Honest.

I teased him one night because I tend to stay up late. And he posted at a very late hour. I could tell he had been sleepless and thinking. That man has realized that he loves you with all his heart and he is terrified you will throw him under the bus.

And he accepts that you may very well do that and he knows that he has nobody to blame but himself.

Keep reading and learning. I can tell you that we have couples on here now and in the past that have stronger and more loving relationships now than they did before one of them, or both of them, had an affair.

Larry

Okay, so these are just random thoughts that I am throwing out....Is there anyone out there who was betrayed and then was able to do the betraying? Knowing something is wrong and doing it anyway to me is intentional....how do you get past that?

You should be angry, he had no right to do what he did!

You are going to have times that you are in a very dark place, please remember that is normal and continue to vent here as you've just done.

Broken5sec, your H is not unique. He has done what all waywards do.... selfishly devestated the person they promised to love and to cherrish. Doesn't matter what his history was or what type of childhood he had.... He made a selfish decision to have an affair!

Yes, I got it. I am searching to find it now. It has been years since I read it. Be back later.

Larry

Ok Broke, I had help finding it.


This is a classic. Because it is not part of Dr. Harley's site plan, it doesn't get a lot of play. And Dr. Harley is not big on why, he has his flat blanket reason. It does help to read this in certain situations. It used to get a lot of play 3,4, 5 years ago. There are several of us here who can discuss it with you.

Larry

5sec,
Larry's post here is very insightful. The following two things caught my eye, and I wanted to highlight them again for you.


Larry is so right in this respect. I can only speak from my experience, but my FWH did not see the OW for what she really was until he became himself again--my very loving, devoted husband. He had severed all ties with the OW; but because he felt so guilty about the A, he did not acknowledge her attempts at seduction until several months after the A ended.


I agree wholeheartedly with this. I have felt since I first read Deerhunter's thread that he is of the same ilk as my dear FWH, whose heart breaks when he sees me sad or depressed over his A.Before you even started your thread, I felt a kinship with you (despite the difference in our ages) because of how contrite your FWH seemed to be.

I hope the best for you on this rocky journey to recovery.

GY

Depends on how good you fix the vase.

Back to Broke:

You hold the power. BH has given it away to you with his thoughtless choice. You now determine the future course of your relationship with him. You also determine your own future by what you do today and every day. And that is the important part.

Be careful. Don't just be guided by your emotions of the moment, because the moment will pass and you will be in the future. You cannot control the past and you cannot control the future. The only person you can control is yourself. And your destiny is where you want to look.

You can only control the present. And you must understand that the emotions of the present will not be the same as the emotions of the future.

Please don't fuel your current discontent by imagining that how you feel now will follow you into the future, say a year or more down the road. And don't let others lead you into obsessive thinking. Obsessive thinking is a terrible price to pay when you allow it to consume you.

This forum is about Surviving an Affair. If you choose to do the surviving, there are emotional tools here to help you, if you choose to use them.

Forgiving is one of those tools. Divorce is another. Hate forever is NOT one of the tools because hate attacks YOU, and not the cause of your emotional turmoil. Your husband has led you to a place for your PERSONAL recovery. And that is the goal, not fueling anger and emotional turmoil.

Goldenyears is down the road from where you are. She is giving you a look into the future if you choose to go a certain way.

Larry

How have many of you been able to work a full time job, raise kids and have to remember to take care of the bills during all of this.

Tough it is. Tough it was for me. I have no idea how I survived.

But I did.

Larry

You will learn over time that it wasn't about you. It was all about him. In order to meet whatever need is causing the A, a WS will turn their world upside down to justify getting their need met. They will threaten everything that is good about their world to get their fix.

Part of their brain runs like this: mememememememememe

And when the motor turns 180, it is funny (way after the fact) how the memememememememe turns to uh oh, youyouyouyouyouyou, I am toast.

Larry

I wish I could just go to sleep, wake up and this all be over. I can't even concentrate at work that much....Thanks for everyone's support....it is so much more than I ever anticipated...

Broke:

Be careful you do not become obsessive. You can get past all this as you learn the emotional tools it takes to do so, emotional tools that will serve you well as you journey through life, and not just in this situation.

Read your thread from the beginning. Focus on the recovery instead of the repetitive thoughts that bounce around in your head. There is a time for woe me and there is a time for get to work.

Larry

broken, maritalbliss is right--it WASN'T about you. It was about HIM. His vulnerabily, his lack of protecting his boundaries, his selfishness.

Of course, I didn't see that right away either. When you're doubled up, writhing in pain, all you have are questions to which NO answers are acceptable.

Like you, my H was away for an extended time (job related). Hard to meet those all-important emotional needs when you're separated by many miles. I'd like to say that was the reason we weren't meeting them, but the truth is, until we found MB (unfortunately, AFTER my FWH's A) we didn't really understand how the whole thing worked. Love banks were low...his more than mine, apparently.

All the elements of a perfect storm. By the time ours hit, he'd had time to fall out of love with me completely. Of course, I didn't KNOW this till I discovered the A.

Doesn't sound like that's true in your case. I've read your H's thread, and it's very clear he is remorseful up front. As much pain as you're in, please understand that you are very, very fortunate in that he will not be delivering more blows as you struggle to reclaim his love. THAT period can be as painful as the initial blow. Many of us can attest to that.

Still, you will have to go through your grieving, and there's no telling how long it will take. I can assure you, though, that it will take less time than it does when a spouse is not repentent and/or will not end the affair.

Read the MB materials and stay with us. You WILL get through this. (((broken5sec)))

well, my WH had taken advise to tell me about the process of his A. It goes without saying that I didn't like it. I have told him that I don't want to talk to him, that I want to think about my life, what it was like and what it can be...with or without him. You see, him being military I have had to do it all on my own while he was gone, so that isn't an issue for me. I don't beleive in staying together for the kids sake...so right now it is truely about me and what I want. This doesn't change the fact that I love him....I do....forgive is very hard for me....even knowing how remorseful he is. everyone has always told me how strong a person I am ..... I don't feel strong right now and I need to get that back. Thank you all for your posts, I will continue to turn here to vent, I appreciate all of your input and advice.....I desperately need it.

Yeah, it's kinda nice, now. FWHs brain now runs something like:
MBMBMBMBMBMBMBMBMBMB [insert my IRL name here]

It'll happen, 5sec. I promise you. Your rehabilitating WH seems like a peach. Kinda reminds me of Mr. Bliss, as a matter of fact.