You know, he says that it just happened....I see it as he persued it.....

Broke:

Did you read the 15 steps that I gave you the link to?

It will explain a lot.

Larry

Yes, I was one of the posters who advised him to give you a timeline if you are comfortable with that. Many BSs prefer to see it in print as a way of making it a little less immediate and emotional. You choose if you wish to get the info that way.

5sec, my H exposed himself...oops, that didn't come out right confessed his A to our boys. Later on my eldest said to me "As strong as you are, I can't believe you didn't kick him out." I responded "The reason we're still together is because I'm that strong." You don't need to 'get' your strength back. You've still got it. You just need to process this terrible crime that was inflicted upon you, your trust, and everything you thought was your reality. And you'll get it. Don't worry about forgiving right now. That will come.

Broken-Have you read all of the info on here? How far are you into SAA? All you have to focus on right now is learning.

I also agree that it is much easier to walk away. It is a lot harder to try to recover and you have to be strong to even think about it.

You'll be surprised at all the things you used to do that no longer seem so important. And that's not always a bad thing. Right now you need to remember that you and dh are your children's reality, and you need to stay as physically and emotionally healthy as you can for yourselves. That helps them. The rest just sort of follows.

(I can send you to the 15 Steps to an Affair thing)

I don't think you ever did give me the steps...could you tell me where to find it?

That was for Larry by the way.....

5SEC

Bliss got it right.

Larry

Read the 15 Steps that Larry mentioned and read the links to the right of your screen. Affairs don't just happen. Of course he pursued it - not her, mind you, he pursued it. The hit, as H called it. He just didn't realize it because the noise in his brain drowned out the realization (the noise, of course, being "mememememememememememe")

I sit corrected.

broken5seconds,

Hi, you are right where I'm at and all the feelings you describe are mine as well. I think it just hurts so much that our husbands just aren't who we thought they were.
I never in my wildest thoughts worried about an affair....my husband is an educated man who sees this kind of destruction in his work on a regular basis.....he is a catholic who over the years has taken a strong stand against others who have engaged in an affair......
That said here I am going through all and every emotion possible I feel like my whole world has been ripped out from under me. Everything I trusted and believed in is gone.....
My husband is as well trying to fix things between us and seems remorseful and sounds like he really understands what damage he has done to our marriage and his family.
You and I are going to have to dig deep inside and find the generousity for forgiveness. We both still love our husband's and I think want it to work....
This kind of situation rips us apart on a lot of levels within ourselves but look at it as an opportunity to be better women.....
I trying to look at it this way, I've always wanted a great relationship with my husband and this might be my chance to fix what was wrong and really make it a great place to be for the rest of my life.......
I hate that a part of him belongs to someone else now. I understand no marriage is perfect and maybe if this hadn't happened it wouldn't have opened the doors for us.
I know it's tough but I've read your husband's posts as well and he sounds like he could be that man for you....

good luck

You need to read that link to Jessi

Larry

hey Larry I tried to open up the link to the 15 steps so I could read it, couldn't do it could you try sending it agin......I'm assuming in your post you think I should read it. I'm like a sponge these days.....eveything and anything I can get my hands on

broken,

If you are angry over the affair in general, well, you have a right to that. That anger will ebb and flow. Sometimes it will be there when you wake up, and be there when you go to sleep, too. Other times, it won't visit for a week or so. Sometimes, you can point to why it is triggered, and other times, well, who knows? It's the nature of our predicament.



As for the other kind of anger, when it comes as the result of discussing the "relationship" or the A:

You won't always like his answers.

He won't always like your questions.


This may sound absolutely crazy, but it isn't necessarily in the agreements, in the "liking" of answers, that we have rebuilt our marriage.

It was in the honesty of the answers. It was the honesty that really brought us together - not what I liked about what he said, but what I did with what he said, and vice-versa, that made the difference in how we recovered.


There was so much in the early days of recovery that I wanted to know from my husband. I was asking the same questions that you are asking. Why did he do this? What was wrong with me as a wife? Why couldn't he just talk to me about our problems? Was there something wrong with me as a person? Has he always felt this way, does he want a different wife, is there even one crumb of me that he wants......?????????


The devasation of "me" was in there. That alone was crushing. Add to it the devastation of what I saw, we saw, as "our relationship". Then, on top of that, the rear-view mirror effect, looking back at all the time together, what that all meant, and trying to reconcile what I knew then with what I had come to know - the AFFAIR.

Push that all forward, and wondering about the future of the marriage, "us", "me", and who knew.

To add to the mix, I had questions about the affair as a stand-alone entity; what was it about, who was "she" to my H, and what happened step-by-step in that....along with a million other questions.


Betrayed spouses have lots of shakiness under their feet that lead to what feels like no foundation at all.


Yet, to rebuild, the two of you have to begin with a few basic things. Each has to believe in the idea that the marriage CAN be recovered (with hard work). Also, you both have to understand that honesty is one of the pillars you will work with. The Harleys fill in the rest of the pillars - emotional needs, POJA, and the rest.

It is the honesty that the two of you can really work on right away. While it is very hard to hear what happened, or his criticisms, or his emotions, or any hard truth, the fact is that the truth is one major foundation you want in your marriage, as much as it may hurt.

You deserve to know the truth of your life. To try to build your life on fantasy, or a soft-sell, or a prettied-up version of the real story only does a disservice to what you and your WH are trying to accomplish. If he were to try to "protect" you by covering up the truth, it SHOULD anger you. On the other hand, if he tells you the truth about his feelings about what he thinks needs improvement in the marriage, even if you don't like what he says, that is something you should mull over and talk about.

So while what he says may anger you, evaluate it with the idea of its truthfulness. If it is the truth, work with THAT. Don't allow your emotional reaction color or cloud the hard work you are doing.

If it is exaggerated, or not the complete truth, or an outright lie - that is the time to be angry. Because not offering the truth is not working toward the recovery of the marriage, it is destructive to the relationship, and THAT should make you good and angry.




SB

every time I see your name jessie I think "They baptised jessie taylor....in cedar creek last sunday...king jesus gained a soul and satin lost his best right arm" etc....

I'm not a religious person, but being with King Jesus makes me happy.....
thanks SisterReed.....

sorry for t/j but I gotta


Among the local taverns they'll be a slack in business
'Cause Jesse's drinkin' came before the groceries and the rent
Among the local women they'll be a slack in cheatin'
'Cause Jesse won't be be steppin' out again.

They baptized Jesse Taylor in Cedar Creek last Sunday
Jesus gained a soul and Satan lost a good right arm
They all cried "Hallelujah" as Jesse's head went under
'Cause this time he went under for the Lord.

The scars on Jesse's knuckles were more than just respected
The county courthouse records tell all there is to tell
The pockets of the gamblers will soon miss Jesse's money
And the black eye of the law will soon be well.

(Chorus)

From now on Nancy Taylor can proudly speak to neighbors
Tell how much Jesse took up with little Jim
Now Jimmy's got a daddy and Jesse's got a family
And Franklin County's got a lot more man.

I can see where my name would trigger your thought, brought a smile to my face......

tough day, tough night. I can hear what everyone is saying and I know that it is possible to survive this. I need me time now...I need to know that no matter what I decide it will be good for me. I do so love my husband but right now it is hard with all this hurt to see anything past tomorrow. It is amazing to me how pin point some of you have been about my feelings. It gives me hope that I will survive and I know I will....I guess right now I am just hoping to make it thru the night. Thanks for listening everyone....you are all truely a blessing!