Plan A means doing this for yourself with no expectations. That is the hardest part. Don't be clingy or needy. Don't ask him if he loves you. I didn't even tell my WH that I loved him, I just showed him. He got to the point where he really needed hear it.

You can do this.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thank you so much Say. You are hitting all of my weak points, and making me see what needs to happen. I have been so bad for being needy this past year, and I do ask him if he loves me. I have somewhat stopped doing so, but I do ask occassionally.

My H and OW constantly texted each other, so I started texting him, we would text ALL DAY long. He said it was too much and I used to push to keep texting him because it was something he did with her. I have now realized that this isn't the way to go about this. I am learning to slightly back away and give him space. I mean, how can he appreciate me fully when I am always "in his face" so to speak. (If that makes any sense!)

Is it a good idea to do the emotional needs survey alone and show it to my WH? He doesn't quite believe in this stuff, so I am not sure if by me doing that, will hurt us more in the long run. Has anyone had experience where WS wasn't completely on board in the MB ideas but came around?

My DH has never been onboard with MB. Is that the ideal situation? Absolutely not but we have gone with it and so far, it is working for us. I worked MB by myself for over a year. I filled out the EN questionaire for DH and did my best to fullfill his needs as I saw them and change my tactics according to his response. I came as close as humanly possible to eliminating my own personal LBs.

Eventually, he filled out the questionaire and read the one that I had filled out for myself. Even a one sided MB R is better than without MB. The changes in both of us are almost miraculous.

I also never tried to educate him or shoved any of it down his throat. He read Surviving an Affair early on at the suggestion of our MC and found the rest "repetitive." He has put the concepts to work in our M with very little conversation about it. That is just his personality.

God's Blessings,

Say

By the way, I do NOT recommend this approach. It is much better to gently get your WH to come on board. It will be more successful and not has hard on you. Sometimes though, it is what it is.

Don't expect him to actively participate in R until he is completely through withdrawal.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thanks again Say. Everything you say is making sense. I wish I posted on here last year when I first found out about this. I have done so many things that did more harm than good, without realizing what it was that I should be focusing on.

I am currently working on LB's and am finally realizing what mine are. Its just super frustrating when I am putting in the effort and he is just sitting there like a zombie. lol. But i know its the withdrawal, and I have faith it will go away, as long as he doesn't give in again.

How long did withdrawal last in your situation? Could you tell when it was near its ugly end? Lol

My DH had very little typical withdrawal so I am no help on that. Just keep telling yourself, "NO EXPECTATIONS!" If you do not expect him to reciprocate your attempts to fill his ENs, you will not be dissappointed. If you do these things to improve Hopeful, you will not look to him for approval. I do know that in spite of all of the similiarities, timelines can be very different.

Come here for approval and support and advice and love til you start getting it from WH. Keep a very careful eye on him. Trust but verify.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thanks again. Your input is much appreciated. Who knew this could be so hard? LOL.

It is the hardest and the most worthwhile thing that you will ever do in this life.

God's Blessings,

Say

It sounds like you are in recovery. Have you been in recovery long? God, I just want to get to that point right now. The withdrawal symptoms are such a huge Love Buster for me, and he sincerely does not try it. He actually tells me that he is doing good, and he isn't that sad. But I can sense it in his voice, his looks, what he does, etc.

Memorial day weekend will be three years since D-Day. It took eight or nine months to even get into what I would consider R. We spent months dealing with the issues brought on by the A before we could even deal with the issues that brought on the A.

Pay no attention to what he says. What he does and how he acts are the only indicator of where he is at in all of this. I don't think that I would consider withdrawal a LB. He has no control over that. The fog is thick. That is why you cannot expect him to even consider your needs at this point. Plan A is hard. R is harder.

NC is the important part right now. Until that is totally in place, he is not even thinking about you. He may slip up. Just Plan a your butt off.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thanks! I will definitely Plan A my butt off!! LOL.

Its not that withdrawal is a love buster per se, it just makes me think "will things ever get better" and "does he actually love me". I know the difference. He tells me all the time that he loves me, but its hard to forget the "I love you but not in love with you" speech. Its scary to think that R is harder, but I know it is.

Hopeful, I just skimmed back through your thread. For some reason, you decided to skip the most crucial step in Plan-A, EXPOSURE! You are just setting yourself up for a false R and that may be why some of the vets have stopped posting to you. Has your WH revealed all info that you requested about OW? Is OW married? If so, have you exposed the A to OWH? If not, can you tell me why?

I'm sorry but MB is not a menu that you pick and choose from especially if only one of you is following it. Don't be surprised if he contacts her again as long as you keep his secret. Continue to Plan A but use the stick or your chances of success are next to none.

God's Blessings,

Say

Sorry, i must have missed that post as well. Exposure did in fact take place. Family and Friends are all aware. The OW is not married, she is only 24 years of age and lives at home with her parents. Her father is abusive but her mother is aware of this. I told most of our friends and family and H told the rest. He told his family himself, his brother actually almost hit him

Okay, sorry I missed that. Maybe on another thread? Reread the Plan a stuff and proceed.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thanks, I am going to try my best.

Oh sorry i forgot to answer another question you asked. My H answered all of my questions, he never did like it, I asked some that were very detailed that I wish I could take back, but in the moment I felt I just "had to know".

As much as the truth hurts to know, sometimes it is not as bad as what your mind will imagine. That's why I had to know.

Withdrawal is a very difficult time. Try not to lovebust, even though the things he will say, if he is truthful, will be very hurtful. My wife would go on and on about how the adultering, alcoholic liar she was with was the perfect man and that he was so wonderful. It made me sick.

This period of time will seem to last forever. Most of what I have read says that the intense withdrawal lasts for about 3 weeks with lingering effects up to 6 months. Obviously, no contact is the key to completely getting through it. The fog will start to lift after a few weeks.

Thanks! I am not having an easy day right now, H is at work doing online courses on a computer he used to talk to OW. He is doing work, I can hear the course in the background and he offered to bring home the laptop so I can work my magic and search through it. (He has NO idea how to delete cookies or internet files, etc) He is being transparent, but I am so worried that this cycle will start again.

This is the 5th time he has tried to estabolish NC, however the first 2 times the A was not exposed, and this time she flipped out and contacted my FIL and BIL on facebook, so he is quite upset. I also received a call from a man claiming to be a boyfriend which my H knew nothing about.

He has a tendancy to create new email addresses to talk to her, and that is my worry. ANyone know of a program that helps you find email addresses besides www.spokeo.com?

I am really trying my hardest not to give in to my emotions right now, because that causes me to have an angry outbust and accuse. I CANNOT do that. I am keeping an close eye on him and his behavior has not changed in regards to the withdrawal. The last time he tried NC I knew when he started talking to her because his attitude changed IMMEDIATELY.

Its just such a scary situation, I brace myself for the next time I catch him with the laptop talking to her. Sorry, Just having a rough moment which will pass, but I just wanted to vent to you all instead of saying all of this to H like I did in the past. I am in plan A and I do not want to talk about this or our relationship with him right now. Its a downer and we have rehashed this stuff over and over and over.

Will he do any fun things with you? Don't forget you need to be spending 15 hours a week doing enjoyable things together.