Repost of the 15 steps.

Click me, read 15 steps then the thread

If that doesn't work this time, let me now. Do you have any problems with your browser following links?

I can always bump the thread at a convenient time.

Larry

Thanks Larry, got it....It's a bad day today....but I guess that is to be expected. Thanks for being here!

As time moves on and you recover (and learn) it will get better.

Promise

Larry

good Saturday morning all....I really don't have much to say this morning I hope you all have a good day...I may post later as my moods decide for me! LOL...I don't like this rollercoaster I am on and can't wait for it to slow down and let me off!

Sounds like you are hanging in there. Actually, it may not feel like it, but you are doing very well. After D-day I was like a zombie at work, and am surprised I didn't get fired. It took me 3 months to find MB and it was HORRIBLE until I came here.

Remember to take good care of yourself. Try to get out and exercise or go get a pedicure, or whatever makes you feel good. This stuff is very draining.

Broken- I too was a basket case at work. I work in retail, at customer service. I really need to keep my emotions in check when I am getting yelled at by someone. I didn't do so well when I was crying all of the time. I cried in the shower, in the car, in bed, at work. It was ridiculous. It made me feel better after a while though.

Hang tough. It's a long ride and I am sure that you can get there. You have the first part, a remorseful WS. That is a great start. You have found MB and that is the best chance you have to recover. You are doing marvelous.

broken,

What you need to know is that what you are feeling is NORMAL.

You aren't going crazy. The crying and mood swings are a normal reaction to what has happened in your life.

The other thing that is important to think about is that the time to make big decisions is NOT NOW.

Your mind and heart are not in the place for big life decisions. Give yourself time to do that - time to heal, to recover your sense of self and place and time. Especially the time to recover the sense of what your marriage really was at one time - and that sense of what the future could be with a committed effort between the two of you.


That kind of decision and that kind of emotional investment can't be made when you are crazy with pain and heartache.



You are right about "me" time. Include in that some time for your husband to try to help you recover. Let that option be open for him - to close that door altogether and not let him at least try to help you in your time of need might be something that you look back on and wish you had done differently.



Finally, there is one thing to know about this entire recovery process. Whether you decide to stay with your husband or to divorce and move on without him, you will STILL have to recover from the affair. The rollercoaster is not much different in terms of emotionality. The pain and heartach will remain. The questions will remain. The trail of ashes will remain.


The difference will be whether or not you emerge married or single, and that is only for you to decide.


SB

Broken,

I bumped a couple of old forgiveness threads for you.

Today I talked to WH and let him know that even with all the blasting I have given him over his "coming clean" letter that I wasn't giving up. I love him, and I told him that I love him. don't know if you all know this but a week after I found out he left for another state to start a new job. One where we were both going to be heading too. I at first decided that I wasn't going to go but I realize that I want to see him and let him hold me when I cry. I also want to hit him sometimes too and that would be better if he was close!! j/k. I am not ready to give up on my marriage...I do however have a lot of healing to do and he says that he is ready for it all. So Yeah for us...for now. I know I will be guarded for a while but we both have our eyes wide open and hopefully with all of your help we will prevail!

Why is that pepperband? I know exactly what you mean though.

Ain't that the truth!

broken5sec,

I spent some time posting to your H over the weekend. I'm trying to give him some action steps he can take. I hope some of these things have some return for you in the months to follow.

One of the hardest things for a repentant wayward is coming to grips with the depth of the destruction that they have created. This too is a process.

I would recommend that you and your H have a few days together that he answers every question that you may have. The most difficult part of the "Radical Honesty" after an affair is you not exploding and/or shutting down and ignoring H every time he answers your questions honestly.

Dr. Harley says, you should thank your spouse every time they tell you the truth, even when it hurts. My wife never thanked me, but she didn't punished me either(well she did scream a few times)! But I do "get" what the good Dr. is trying to say. If we punish our spouse when they are honest they are likely to go back to the habit of lying. If we thank our spouse, they are likely to continue the behavior we really desire, one of openness and honesty.

Schoolbus wrote you a beautiful post Saturday, I hope you'll read it again when you can.

Nah, slug him in the arm, he's a guy, he can handle it.

When BH first showed up here, he and I talked about this new job. For the future of your family, it seems to be important. He really, really worried both ways, not being with you and not moving you and your family up a notch in life. I did not get any feel that he was running and hiding or that taking the job was all about him. I got a very positive signal that he was doing it for the good of the family. Guess that puts you in top billing in his mind.

Schoolbus and Pep have done a great job helping you deal with your feelings. As time goes on, you will process and start down the road to focusing on the good things and it will get better. And yes, you need to let your husband hold you. That's coming so, calm.

Larry

And prepare yourself to hear some rather odd plans that hubby might have had during the fantasy. My WH's OW was a neighbor, two doors down. His plan was to have me move out of my home and in with my sons. Then OW would take my place and move in with him. I have a beautiful garden and the OW love gardens. Then when her husband got back from fighting in Iraq, we would all live side by side happily, and even do things together. He always insisted that the OW was so much like me that we would be one big happy family.

During an affair, their intelligence disappears for a bit.

tst - I believe that I told my WH before that I appreciated him being honest even if I didn't like it. I reminded him of this rollercoaster ride I am on and that he is just going to have to be patient. I did however write him an email today thanking him again for being honest when I ask a question.

Good to see you posting. How are things going today?

I know (believe me I know) how hard it is to have your questions answered. But please please please do not shut your H down when he answers your questions honestly. If it hurts too much ask him to stop, that you need a break, that it's all too painful. Do your utmost to control the love busters.

This is what worked for me: Rather than have my H tell me everything at once (I couldn't have survived it, and he was prone to trickle-truth), I wrote my questions down. I waited for 2 or 3 days and if they were still important, then I asked him.

A lot of questions that seemed all-consuming were insignificant to me after just a few days. Also, I learned that a lot of my burning questions were just different ways of getting at the same info.

It might help you if you write down your questions and then ask them 3 days later.

broken, I have been reading your thread and although I cannot offer advice (I am in the same boat as you and trying to get through the days) I must admit that I think it is such a positive sign that your H is on this website and trying to make it better. I know that doesn't take the pain away, but I think that he is truly sorry. As for the posters, I think you all are fantastic. You offer excellent advice and although I wish none of us had to experience what we did, I am grateful you are all here to help.