I am still posting...some days are better than others. today I am sad. I know that my WH is sorry for what he has done. I have seen it in his face and hear it in his voice. That should matter...right now it is hard. I am still in disbelief...I actually asked him who the Heck he was while he was gone because some of the stuff he tells me I just can't imagine from him. I don't know if I will ever understand what he has done or why but I am trying...I guess the hurt is all to new still....I am trying, that's all I can say.
Oh, and thanks for all the tremendous support....I am very thankful!

I am totally where you are right now. I know my H is sorry for all that has occurred. But it is hard some days more than others. I know I'm working on meeting his EN's and I need to make sure he's meeting mine.... But now that I'm suspicious, I'm having a more difficult time today than I've had.....

Anyways, I just wanted to say you're not alone.

{{{Broken5sec}}}

Might help to think of him as a junkie, who, once he got his fix, became a completely different person.

I still believe my ex was a good man who was tempted and fell. For years he was a good man, and all of the affair stuff was just so uncharacteristic for him.

Your feelings are normal. I went for months like a zombie, not able to believe the betrayal happened.

Broken-Yes, WH is nothing like H at all. He looked like him and sounded like him but he wasn't. He had been taken over by an alien. That alien may come out every once in awhile from here on out. Just remember that it is the addict alien. You are doing well and it is normal to have some sad days. Have you thought about ADs at all? I know that when/if my WH comes home, I will need some meds to help me through.

Its extremely difficult to see the person you know and love do something so disrespectful and hurtful. I never thought my H would dream of doing this. But A are addictions and they can and do happen. It often feels like a nightmare. We are here to listen anytime. I wish I started posting much sooner than now, but its better late than never.

broken,

I think that when I made the decision to stay it helped me to begin to accept what happened. It was at that point that I think I hated my H more than ever, but needed him at the same time.

I punched him hard on the leg one time - just once - on the thigh. I wasn't proud of that. I slammed my fist down in frustration over the situation and he was sitting there - it slammed him on the leg. I meant to hit his leg, and yet, I was not thinking at the same time. He told me that he actually "wanted" me to hit him, because somehow it made him feel REAL about the whole thing, that he felt he just needed to have that reality about it all. I told him it lowered me and I never wanted that.

Things were very rough, very hard for us. My H had been diagnosed with cancer at this point, and my anger level was quite high, his reality shaken, our world collapsed. We had nothing left - a shattered marriage, a shattered life in body, that cancer left an uncertain future for him and his livelihood, and then this wreckage I called an inner soul.

Then I punched him on the leg.


I was as low as I think I could have gone.


Out of that, we did rise again.

What Pep talks about is being stripped bare. Bare to each other, without any walls anymore. Because you have completely lost everything, there is no longer a need for defense. You are broken, you are alone, you are lost and have nothing...no one..and you cling only to that which you know instinctively to be the most honest and true thing in your life.


And that happens to be the person you love
who also happens to be the person who betrayed you


which takes you somewhere you have never been before.


And you and he find yourself facing one another in a new universe.


It is raw.

From those ashes, from that rawness, you start the marriage over. This time, build on THAT foundation, because this time you will see every brick, and be aware of each stone you are laying, every nail, every moment.


Fit each one correctly - because this time you will have the tools in your toolbox. This time, you both will be working with a plan, and working together.


You CAN do this.



Watch and see.


SB

wow

There is so much to learn from the posts in these threads, and I am so thankful to have the chance to benefit from reading them. Thank you all!

Schoolbus' words are so powerful and full of wisdom. They are speaking directly to my soul.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I agree Schoolbus, that is an awesome post! It really puts a positive spin on this and you definitely gave me hope!

You will come to understand that your H's actions are not understandable. Does that make any sense? You will come to a point of acceptance that it happened. This is still pretty early for you. The only thing that would help at this point would be for time to speed up, and we all know that that can't happen. I remember being where you are and desperately wishing I could sleep for 6 months to get through the worst of it unconsciously.

However, that didn't happen. And along the way I found out a lot about myself and a lot about my H. It was like the veneer on the outside of our personalities was stripped away and we were left with raw material to mold together.

I can't say the process of recovery has been nothing but terrible. H and I have reached a different level of maturity in our M, and that's great. It came at a terrible price, but it's great.

I think the best advice I can give you at this point is to be patient - with yourself, with your H and with the process. And stay open to what you're going to be learning.

MB, it certainly is difficult to be patient but I know that is what I need to be. I have also told my WH that even when I flip out and don't want to talk to him to not do anything drastic until I am in my right frame of mind. I do the same...I may freak out but then I calm myself down and talk. For me it's better that way. Hope everyone is having a good day...this might be a good one for me.

I don't understand how you can want to end something and not be able to do it. I don't understand that if you do want to end it and you are given an easy opportunity to do so that you don't do it....and I don't understand how you can care about someone yet treat them so awful....just thoughts flying thru my head again.....

I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel it would be so much easier to walk away. I even imagine a new life, new place, what I would do, etc. But in every vision, I always picture us working our way back to each other. That is the reason we are here its because we know deep down that we want our M to work.

I tell myself that my WH isn't acting like himself because some alien has taken over....but he is still there. Locked deep deep down under his cloud of lies and fog he is there.

you know, my network of friends and family is great...I am blessed. I have so much support that I sometimes feel I don't deserve it. This place here....priceless. I think I have learned so much in the last couple of weeks that my head hurts with all the information I am getting.....Thanks to all....you are helping me deal with the A alittle easier....

Have any of you ever wanted to reach out to the OW and make her hurt as much as you do? (Verbally) Is that absolutely horrible for me to feel like doing?

I did, and it didn't make a bit of difference to her. And it didn't make me feel better at all. Anyway, she is not the problem.

If the circumstances were right, hubby could have had an affair will a billy-goat if one happened to be walking by.

She was part of the problem...if she knew he was married...but I hear what you are saying....

She is part of the problem in that she is a sleaze with no morals. But there are millions of women in the world like that. She just happened to be around.

A woman who has an affair with a married man doesn't care how you feel. Better not to rut in the mud with her.

By the way, did hubby write her a no contact letter?