Well guess what,

My dramatics now and Oh God all of you thank you all so much. It is Not that I am leaving here, but this is it!

At dinner tonight with my son Char called and we all talked and guess what! Her counselor, the administrator and her psychiatrist ALL conferred today and decieded she Does Need to get out of there and move to a new home..the assisted living home. We are going there for her to look it over next Wed. I also told her totally about my feelings about her affair and also th s**t heads who are trying to be friends with her and what she said is that you are always so up tight but you do know my morales and simply asked me if we were going to start staying together when she moves. Said yes and I also told her from my heart folks honestly, that I want to make love to my wife...Her!

Just again, another Char call and she wanting to be together regarding her possible new home. (And yea guys she wanting me to stay for a full weekend and well live two days with her is best we can do)...so damn I am so excited and Yes.

Opt., Turtle, Larry, believer, maritalbliss, Melody, SisterReed, Pepper, and Many others here who have just allowed me to vent and learn and try , well this time over the last seven months has seemed so impossible, but right now I feel I am so damn lucky that I feel like dancing.

My goal now is to so polish that peom and so express my feelings to her, and to somehow paste that poem for my love on a handcrafted card that when I present that to her she will be able to look thru me me and simply see my heart.

There will be lots to do the next week - drs. appt. and also taking her out Sunday, and then the visit to hopefully her new home next Wed. that I will not be able to post for awhile, or to bother you for awhile...*s*

Lary, esp. for you , I do know people do need to give back, but right now I cannot post to welcome and even give my small amount of advice to new menbers here until I get Char settled, but if I can I will certainly in the future.

Thank you all so much,

Tom

Awesome news, Tom!!

So good to hear that, Tom. What a miracle!

Hey Tom, explain what this means. I am little slow today. Does this mean you will be living with her?

Larry

Tom,

I am happy... and worried for you. In my own experience, my expectations, hopes, and goals were often not accepted by my wife in the way in which I had set them up in my mind. Regardless of how I went about showing them. Especially when 'giving my heart'. Be careful NOT to hope to see something too specific occur. In my experience, when I opened completely and did what my counselor said would "melt the heart of 98% of the women out there" my wife simply and smuggly ignored it out of hand. Of course, you might be married to one of the 98% however, when baring my soul resulted in a smug, contemptuous glare... it can really tear you up.

All that I am saying is beware of putting too much hope and expectation into your actions. You cannot control how others received your heart... but you can still guard it... at least somewhat.

Hi Larry,

It is an assisted living facility, and that means that I can stay with her for a day and night or two periodically.

Thanks,

Tom

Hi Cant,

Thanks.

You're right. I seem to always jump way ahead of myself.

I really have a gut feeling tho that she still is one of the 98%. It's not only that tho, I just have that gut feeling as I've had thru our marriage that she is one of those sincere, moral, honest women who I am so lucky to have at this stage in my life, and that whatever has occured between us that our marriage is the most important thing to each of us.

Tom

You think there will ever be a time when she can come home with you for the rest of your life? Sorry, you may have answered this before. I did read your original thread and understand your situation.

See, I think it would be neat because your love for her is in every word you say.

Larry

What about buying a home or condo and bringing her home?

Hi InLike,

I have thought about that for so long now. But just briefly just some facts. She has maxed out on her psychiatric benefits on our insurance, so I need to keep a good reserve for her medication and and future treatment. Physically she is not in good shape and yes I am in the process of getting her treatment for her knees which prevent her from walking well, but she also has bad loss of balance which has resulted in her falling here several times both outside while walking and also in home. One time one of those falls resulted in a concussion. I have had her in physical therapy for most of the last ten years now and I have had the diagnosis from several that that cannot be corrected. I'm sorry InLike, but I have split my most recent posts under this title from my original one where I described what she went thru as a result of complications from what should have been simply thyroid gland removal in late 1990s.

I did investigate in-home care but that is so cost prohibitive.

Ater the last three years of resisting what my family has been trying to tell me about her needing secured care and my wish to keep us together I realize that is not possible now for her own welfare and safety.

Tom

Hi Larry,

In being realistic with you no there is never going to be a time when we can now live together. Char and I both deep down know this now, and we talked about it today when I was with her.

Maybe a miracle, but there are so few in this world where that really does happen on this physical earth.

DO you know what tho Larry, this is so Not breaking our marriage. I honestly believe that this forced separation has brought us closer together.

I spent a long time this past year internally really blaming her for not taking better care of herself and to presrve our being together. I now know that my son and daughter have as well.

I know now that she wants to be with me and okay despite that crap at the nursing home with that guy I simply feel she does want me and that I have to sacrafice a part of me to get over my damned pride and hurt to so want her again, which I do.

Lary, I think I might have mentioned this may be on one of my threads, but a few weeks ago I found a picture of her from our wedding day...it was taken in Jan. 1969 by my brother...and it was at the reception when she was coming down the staircase in her red dress and we were about to leave on our honeymoon trip. Well bottom line is simply that I got that little 2 x 2 photo reconfigured to an 8 x 10 now, and it turned out great. I can now look at her, way way back then, and realize that her smiling face is still with me today. And with that, I have a few more things with which to embelish my poem for Her.

I see so many on here not seeminly willing to fight for their love (i.e., their partner), but not willing to fight for the love they profess to possess.

Larry, simply thank you. I have read a lot of your posts and comments, and altho I do not know and cannot know what you are going through, it will be my pleasure, as I will describe in a separate topic, to offer my prayers for you on this Divine Mercy Sunday.

All I can say, but thank you.

Tom

All I can say is:



Larry

Well, just tired tonight. Spent most of the day today doing tax research from here on state sale tax liability for the company. Tonight am just going to fix a frozen dinner, watch a movie, and then get to sleep.

C was a little disappointed, but understanding when I called her today and had to tell her that I couldn't have her here tomorrow as I had hoped. Wed. is the appt. with the assisted living facility and then Fri. her dental appt. I can't afford to take three days off this week. I am really hopeful for her and me with the appt. Wed., but am not going off the deep end. They and us as well will have to evaluate if that is best for her. If not that place, there are a couple of other possibilities now. I am just trying to take it slow and steady, not raising unrealistic expectations, but trying to support her with any of these opportunities.

Just Learning: I got caught up today in posting to NLG. I see you did too. I got to realize that my posts were elongated versions of your more direct post. I hope for his sake he does stay and accept the advice here, but that is his choice.

Tom

Hi Opt., and all of you,

Well Opt tomorrow is the big day.

Char called me several times today to make sure we are going and we Definitely are. This is to the assisted living facility.

This may happen, in terms of her being accepted, or it may mean applying at other assisted living facilities, but the line is that she will get to a better place soon, and now I am predicting by the end of June, at the latest. She has so many people behind her now that in the long run she can't fail.

When I did call her back when I got home she was talking about me hanging the pictures she wants from here, and furniture, and also helping her furnish, and she wants to make sure I can stay with her for at least a day and night or two. She is also so happy she can have one of the cats. Of course, I have hung pictures all of our married life, so what else can I do now except to continue to hang the pictures she wants mounted..*s*.

Opt., that place where she is at now is a really bad situation because it is a behavioral health facitily. There is abuse going on there, and honestly it was a last resort for here in terms of her having to vacate here last August. I have to tell you, I after this amount of time can see where she did have that affair, and do you know what I would have too if I was there.

Opt., all I would ask tonight in my expression here is that maybe you and a few of your collegues here could just offer a prayer tonight, Not for Char, but rather for me, that I may be able to guide her to the right choice, and support her, and continue to love her, and to most of all, encourage her to strive and to come alive again.

Thanks Opt.,

Tom

Hi All,

This is not at all meant to be a diary, but I did take C to the facility today, and we are both really tired tonight. The application, tour, and long drive (it is like 45 miles from where she is now), well I am much more tired than she is.

It's a good place, and much better than where she is.

Our son came with and she was ready to put down a deposit and move in next week. We both calmed her down, but didn't at all try to dampen her enthusiasm.

Optiimism, this is mainly for you, and really I do hope you see this. This place is Supportive Living, but they have somewhat limited support for people who have memory loss or problems. When we were in the interview with the counselor, she would have kicked me in the you know what if I had mentioned anything like that, and I didn't.

Main thing, without getting on her case on her enthusiasm, my son and I have decided to talk to her counselor and her dr. extensively either this week or early next to get a total assessment. I don't thing the fire in the past is going to be a big thing at all as much as I had feared but her memory is the really big deal... i.e., Opt, she put down her age as 63 on the application...she is 64, and she asked me in the interview when she will be 65. This has been so evident for the past few years, but now we really do see it. So I am going to go back to the well on this. I have extended my search now to include about 20 more places and I will spend the next several days calling and exploring each one.

Basically, I did like this place for her and so did my son, but we are not totally convinced it is the most approprate. Of course I am going to take some real flak over this but whatever. I'll take her out to dinner and continue the search and contacts on her behalf. None of us want to have her placed in a place where she will have to relocate or move in a relatively short period of time because we did not do our research.

Anyway Opt and All, I will most likely not be posting much at all here for awhile becuase there is so much to do and so much to research.

The only other thing I can say is that she does really seem to be focused on her family now, me too included, and I have to beleive that her OM is so out now. We did not have time to grab lunch on way down so we stopped and McDonalds (which she likes) and ate there on way to take her back. She kissed me and thanked me for the McDonalds's and getting her there.

So tired, but thanks Opt and All.

One thing I am wondering tho, if I really need to post my story here anymore, because now I feel what happened was a one-time thing, and now it seems to me that this is getting to me more about us rebuilding and her finding a home than anything else.

Thanks,

Tom

Tom:

We do have an in recovery forum. Some of the same people post here and there. Others just post there and here.

I think you do need a place for validation and support.

Larry

Hi All,

I have read a couple of very recent posts here today that I wanted to comment on just briefly and how they have touched me and have caused me to go back to my own 'well' in terms of my thinking. This is not just because of my marriage, our physical separation now, C's affair, but in terms of interacting, relating, and committment.

The one is GloveOil and the other is SOL.

I have to honestly say that when I first came here I had the attitude of yes, I know we have problems, an unusual circumstance, but that no one else should be able to advise me. Because it would be a blow to my ego if anyone on God's green earth could advise ME on how I should better understand and relate to HER. Afterall, that would show me up as the dumbest, most 'nice guy', twirled around, faked out, asleep husband in the world. For the men here, I hesitated to post because it would be like I was not really good enough (again like my analogy to my favorite - the sports scene, and like everyone behind the scenes knows when one quarterback is replaced by another one). For the women here, it is like simply you don't know anything about women even after all these years. No man wants to even conceive of hearing that, well at least me in my thinking up to now. And that sort of from my past experience, puts me in the category of a 'nice safe guy'.

Why did I post and why stay. It was that some here just talked to me as one human to another.

Today I felt the force of both Glove and SOL posts and it has caused me now to pause so. I am also a member of an AA online site as well, and most of the members there are very loving and supportive as well, esp those of us who have been there for awhile now, However, I have not seen this kind of honestly and pure openness as I have now seen here.

As I have said, my situation now is not nearly as stressful or urgent as some here, but do you guys know what, you people have probably helped more other people than you realize. And, no, this credit does not go to Dr. Harley or his staff, it goes to you all.

I know you will but I hope you guys do still help out a few of the recent posters here like joswells, butterfly, and NLG. I honestly admit I still feel I don;t have that much to offer, except that is p888888s me off when someone like NLG seems so close, but doesn't totally bite.

Thanks,

Tom

Hi

C and I are doing okay.

The only factor is that I now realize that her expectation of moving to the assissted living facility is going to take longer than she expects. No one made false promises to her - it is just the process.

In talking to her counselor twice in last couple of weeks he has provided me more insight than I have had in the past. She is impatient to get out of where she is now, and I realize that. Bottom line it is not going to happen that fast - references, finance, etc. I am not dragging my feet, but she blames me for not moving her in yesterday.

Per her counselor, some good insight. Her condition causes her to get reactive to people who are close to her if they are not meeting Her schedule, and in that case to seek out people who will agree with her. In other words, transferrence. Her Psychiatrist thru the years prescribed her necessary medication, but did not believe in counseling.

We are making progress. When she tries to blame me I simply tell her the truth about what I am doing, and if she reacts I change the subject purposely. A few times I responded with just simply 'I love you Char' instead of something like "it's raining now". I admit, this is a stretch, but a couple of times she just actually took hold of me and kissed me. I believe unlike in our past, it simply diffused the whole situation.

I am going to try to move to the In Recovery forum now because that is where I feel she and I really are. I love and respect this forum, but at this point I feel like a second year NFL player - that is, no longer a rooky to take up a lot of time coaching, but now a sophmore, and still not still not qualified to give any advice to the new here.

Thank you all,

Tom

Hi Larry,

Do you know what - I completely missed your post suggesting transferring to the In Recovery forum. I knew it was there but just simply had not bothered to look at it.

Anyway, I made some posts on this forum today, and also I made an initial post to the IR forum.

Thank you Larry.

You're going to get some prayers still from me ( a few extras tonight) until you advise me to stop...*s*

I will hope and pray that you And your family (including your XW) are well and have peace together.

Best of my Regards,

Tom

Hi,

This is very hard for me tonight, but I realize that I most probably damaged my value here in terms of insulting another person here and I will simply apologize shortly.

Just as an update, I got a call back from an intermediate assisted living facility when I got home tonight, and they are very interested in seeing Char as early as this weekend. This is in between an independent living facility and a nursing home.

It is close by and just two miles away with med and walking assistance. Problem, she cannot have the cats. That seems upmost in her mind now. I told the couselor up front everything - her history of manic depression, the fire, and all, and she wants us to come in as early as we can like this weekend.

Char is cake eating now that I have read and understand more here now. She is requiring me to lay back and go her way.

Will not. This is the best for her and I have discussed this now earlier with my duaghter and son.

Tomorrow is our son's birthday and we are taking him out to dinner. We will not at all discuss this inorder to make his day happy. I will have Char here on Thurs. and then she and I will discuss.

I ended out phone call by just telling here I love her and will see her tomorrow.

Thanks,

Tom