Good. Did he tell her never to say things like that again?



I'm sorry. That was a horrible thing for her to say.

(((callalily))) your best friend is no friend my dear. A real friend would never wish a miscarriage on you no matter the circumstances.

Everyone reacts differently to this. No body knows for sure how they would deal with it until it happens to them. The hardest thing of all is staying and fighting to recover your M. Everyone expects you to walk, destroy what is left of your family and just start over. Yes, what he did was wrong, wrong beyond explanation. But having been there, I know that the hardest road was to save my M and my family for me and for my COM. I know that I made the right decision and that the majority of the world out there flapping their gums would have walked.

My family is whole. My M is recovered and we are living our lives together with thriving happy COM. Hold your chin up, believe in what you chose to do and how you choose to do it. Don't ever let any one else's opinion make your decision for you. Use MB principles to recover. Read and read some more.

(((CL)))

Fled

Cal,

My inlaws are somewhat the same. We live 5 states away from all friends/family and only our parents and 3 close friends know about our sitch. FIL came for a visit back in Oct. while I was away and H/FIL picked up OC and lied to me about it. Before that, FIL cried and said "but this is our grandson." Oh, please, cry me a river!!!!!!! That is supposedly the last time my H saw OC and FIL/MIL asked about OC. H says IL's have not mentioned it again, but I don't believe it. I want so badly for my H to point blank tell IL's that we are NC, and NC means NC. I want him to tell them this in front of me. But I think he's just avoiding the inevitable, so we will see. H says he has never given OW's contact info to IL's, but who really knows for sure?? I wouldn't be surprised if IL's are contacting OW behind my back. But I suppose I really don't know for sure???

And, IGNORE the naysayers. Until they are in our shoes, they don't know what they will do. This is easier said than done for me, as our sitch is a total secret and I intend to keep it that way FOREVER!! We are actively trying to move and I plan on putting 2009 behind me like it never happened. Call it wrong or right, but that's my choice for now.

We are glad you are here with us. Feel free to vent, ask questions, as much as you need to!!!

Faith/Fled/Mig

Thank you ladies for your encouragement. This forum helps me out alot. I've been reading and reading and I find something that makes me feel better. I've been crying for a few days now, I'm an emotional mess! I can't seem to keep my mind from racing and obsessing. This week has felt alot like when I first found out. I keep playing everyone's reaction and what everyone said in my head and I believe I'm driving myself crazy.

I'm really scared and worried that my H will resent me for NC w OC if it proves to be his. H says it's not anything to worry about he's okay with this decision and believes it's best. Maybe I'm just replaying what everyone else thinks and says and it's making me feel guilty like I'm the selfish bad person in all of this. I don't know how to stop worrying about what other people think. I'm such a please everyone person. I guess I need to get a backbone.

Callalily

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I feel the same way. Although my H thinks it is the BEST option for us at this time and I TOTALLY AGREE. In fact, I told him I would leave if we had it any other way. I need to move on with my life. I'm sorry OC will suffer but OC will suffer anyway because OC will never have the BIO-FATHER & BIO-MOTHER in the same house. Regardless if my husband and I remain together he would not date or marry OW. It is not someone he would take home to meet his parents. I'm glad there are others that feel NC is the BEST option for us to move on....I often think about my family plans. Things I wanted to do with my unborn children and I would never want to bring this foolishness into our lives. In addition, my husband and I have young nieces and nephews that would never understand this situation. All of them have known me since birth and would never understand because all of them live in the house with their parents. It opens another subject and I'm not ready to go there. Hang in there! I'm with you....

I have totally lost it today! I don't know if this is at all worth it. H put a GPS tracker on his phone willingly for me to check his whereabouts whenever I wanted. I didn't think I would check it but I did just now and the gps didn't show him located at work. So I called his cell phone repeatedly and he finally answered after a few times and said he was in a meeting. I flipped out, he told me that I was reading the map wrong! Excuse me! I know what our city looks like and I know the streets! Come to find out there is a problem with the locator on the map and it was wrong! I'm such an idiot.

I've been feeling these past few days that it just isn't worth it and that it's over, so was I just looking for a reason to say I'm done!? H asked where did I think he was, he wasn't upset he just said that he'll prove to me that I can trust him again.

I'm just having a hard time believing any promises that come out of his mouth. I feel like I would be so much better if I could just fall out of love with him. I want the feelings of my old M back! When I adored my H and I believed he adored me. I want to be able to be intimate again without triggers. I feel like I'm totally losing it!! I want the pain to end. I want to stop crying and acting irrationally like I did this evening!

Calla~ You are SO singing my song. One of the saddest things for me is that I will never again have a "pure" marriage. I still have MANY days that I contemplate "is it worth it." HOWEVER, those days are getting farther and farther in between. I had a pretty good meltdown Sun and yesterday. This makes H really upset as he is carrying a lot of guilt, and I love bust and say things I likely shouldn't during a meltdown. But, I just can't help it. My perfect world has been totally rocked and flipped upside down!!!

Although, we are NC now, admittedly, H is not fully on board with this. He would LOVE to be a cakeeater...go pick up OC, be a dad, be one big happy family, but there is NO WAY I will stay if he insists on this. MAYBE in years down the road, no way, no how at the present time.

You will come to a point where you don't cry EVERY DAY, which I believe is a stepping stone. I still cry MOST days (esp. during my quiet time). But I have come to the realization that I will be OK.

Kudos to your H for putting a GPS tracker on his phone. I think this speaks volumes!!!

Keep posting and reading. We are here for you!!!! We know EXACTLY how you feel. ((((CALLA))))

Calla,

How far along are you? You have a little one at home, are pregnant and dealing with this. You have hormones swirling all from significant causes. Try to relax and breathe. It's okay that you didn't believe him, why should you? You are not responsible for how the GPS functions or reading it incorrectly. Let him prove to you that you can trust him. This is what he must do, by being questioned and validating. It's okay, you can walk away any time you want, but you need to take care of you right now. Whichever way is best to do that.

(((Calla)))

Fled,

I'm 8 weeks right now. I'm really trying to relax and move on and try to be happy with H again, but some days it feels like a waste of time. We'll never have that back.

I should be excited about this baby like I have been for all my other children, but I haven't been able to. I have'nt been excited and ready to tell everyone, maybe because of what was said.

Taking care of myself is something I'm going to have to learn how to do. I don't know what I like anymore. It's like I'm in this dark dark hole and I can't dig myself out. I do appreciate all the support on this forum and I really appreciate LynnG, I believe she has now left the board perm. but I would love to bombard her with some questions!

Callalily

LynnG was gone when I arrived. Ask your questions, there are archive and posts from way back. Pep is great at finding them and bumping them up for people. Search the site and read all that you can find.

Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself. This is hard enough without beating ourselves up and belittling our own faults.

Callilily,

I went back and read your thread and I applaud you for your courage. You are truly not alone in this ugly harsh reality. I to am SAA with oc drama. Please don't ever let other people who have never walked in your shoes, define you. It's easy for a person who has never experienced what we have, to spit out what they think we should or should not do. I went through this ordeal twice by two different husbands.

The ow lived acrossed the street in the next subdivision. The oc went to the same school that my neices and nephew attended (I have custody of my 2 neices and nephew), and my daughter used to teach there. Everyday I walked out my door I had to wonder if I was going to run into her. And many times I did. That was such a horrible feeling. I felt like I did something wrong. What got me through those times was this scripture from Psalms "Lord please don't let my enemies triumph over me" (paraprased)

I know how hard it is to be pregnant and dealing with your h infidelity. I too was pregnant with my 4th child and the ow was carried my h c. I gave birth in July and she gave birth in Oct. I look back now and wonder how I got through that. I think I cried everday for several years. I totally isolated myself and my children from everyone. I gained 12 pounds the whole pregnancy. In my 2nd month I began to hemorrage and was rushed to the hospital. What the doctors thought was an early pregnancy miscarriage turned out that I was carrying twins and I lost one. My beautiful baby girl was born healthy and strong, inspite of my emotional state. That baby is what helped me get through some of my darkest moments. I wish I would have found MB years ago.

What I will say to your Pastor is to read the story of Sarah and Abraham. I shared this in another thread. The baby that Hagar was carrying for ABraham was too much for Sarah, his wife, to bear. They tried having the oc around, but after some time the ow and the oc began taunting the couple's birth child Isaac. Sarah wanted her h Abraham to put the child and his mother out. Of course he didn't want to, but God instructed him to listen to his wife. So he put the child and ow out from his house.

I am not saying that anyone in this situation has to decide on nc, but if you and your h decide on nc, stand firm and know that you are doing what you think is best. Either choice is not wrong, so don't let anyone tell you you are wrong for your decision. OC are consequences of bad decisions 2 adults make.

I will try and keep up with your thread. We are here to try and help you get through a very hard time. I feel my purpose in life is to help couples get through this mess, because I've experienced enough of it. (I am writing a book and will finish it this year, prayerfully)

Stay strong and take care of that precious baby you are carrying.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I'm not sure what I want anymore. Yes, I love my H and want desperately for this M to work. I am having a hard time accepting it. I can't believe this is the mess he got into. I can't believe that this is what he did to his family, to me. How can you can you love someone and put them in the worst pain imaginable?

We're still waiting on DNA, I don't know why he's dragging his feet wth contacting a lawyer and just getting it over with. It frustrates me! I cannot reason why he would just let whatever happens happen and not be proactive. I've asked him quite a few times to contact a lawyer and he says he understands but has yet to do it.

I don't know how cs laws work in my state, I really don't know where to look. I've read the posts about separtion and protecting me and the kids and I mentioned it to him and he got extremely upset, thinking that the only reason I mentioned it was because I was going to leave him and not try to work this out. It infuriated me! We wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for him!!!

He keeps telling me to quit thinking about leaving and to quit focusing on what happens years later and if he'll resent me. He said it's a decision he wants to make and is happy with it. I just can't shake the fact that he may resent me later.

Does anyone with no C's H resent them for not having OC in their lives? What happens if 10 yrs later he wants to have C and I still dont? Do I waste 10 years of tryng to be happy to have our M fall apart anyway?

Maybe i'm just crazy and need to be put in a looney hospital, at least I feel that way. I've read and read and I keep reading. I just wish that he would put as much focus and determination that he puts in his job into us healing. It seems like he goes to work and gets to move on and forget everything while I'm at home and its constantly on my mind all the time. Its all I think about. I hold it in cause i hate to argue and fight with him when it comes up. i understand that we won't heal and it won't get better if we don't talk but it's hard to find the time to talk and when we do i end up in tears because i hate arguing with him. The 13 years we've been together we've never fought, so this is devastating to me. I long to have a friend here that I could talk to and would hug me and tell me it's gonna be okay.

Do I let the world know this is happening in my home?

I'm really trying to take care of myself and be gentle wth myself but I keep beating myself up. I feel like an idiot, I have this H that lied to me and hurt me beyond hurt. I get angry when he tells me he loves me and is sorry for his selfishness and that he needs me. Why didn't he feel that way then and not do it?

I'm a Mess!

I feel your pain when you say you couldn't sleep. This will be a regular occurence for awhile. Try and do something that you enjoy towards the evening hour before you go to bed. This may help you to sleep. Sometimes I take Melatonin, a natural sleep aid. We produce it naturally, but as we age and become stressful our bodies don't produce enough of it. But of course ask your doctor if it's ok. Also, try some chamomille tea, that helps with relaxation. I short walk before bedtime also helps.

You are not looney. You are experiencing some of the same feelings that many others in your situation have experienced and continue to experience.

It's been 29 yrs from the birth of the first oc and 10 yrs for the second one(of course by 2 different h). It is a whole lot easier now (the time is a factor). But I still have my days. I really don't think about the first time (I am so over that one), but the second one is one that my h has regular parenting responsiblities with and we experience some drama.

Continue posting as you need, this is the place to vent and reach out for support. We all love you.

Listen to Pep!!!!!

About being resented later. Yes it may happen. There are twelve million things that they can resent us for later. It has been 5 years. My FWH is more sure now than ever that this is/was the best choice for everyone, the M, the COM, and even the OC. The OC would not understand the extreme difference between the OW's household and this one. Back and forth between the two would not be in the OC's best interest. OW needs to find a good male role model that will remain in OC's life. Unfortunately, my FWH was not qualified for that position when OW decided to make him the bio-father.

Do what you need to do. Don't do what is unacceptable to you. And don't worry about what anyone else says. This is your life that you are trying to regain.

((CL))

Fled

Cala....you don't necessary need to involve a lawyer to get a DNA test. We did a private one. H swabbed OC's cheek, then his cheek, and we sent the test off. Got results within 5 days.

This is imperative that it's taken care of ASAP. It's possible OC could turn out not to be your H's. Boy, dealing with an A seems relatively simple compared to dealing with an A AND OC. Wish this would have turned out this way for me.

I completely feel your pain. I am SO MAD that this is my story. This is supposed to be someone else's story, not mine. But, it is what it is. Others on this site are proof that your M can work. Fled told me early on not to make any rash decisions. So, I chose not to. I am staying for now, trying to work through this, but can't tell what the future may hold in store. There are days I completely want to run and never look back.

Resentment? I've stated before that this is gamble I am willing to make. H should've kept his pants zipped. So if anyone holds resentment, it will be me. I am still working through forgiveness and am not close at all.

Tell everyone? We are not. Only 3 close friends and our parents know. Looking back, wish we hadn't told our parents. We only did b/c I thought (at one point) that I would leave. I CANNOT face this IF the whole world knows. So for now, we are 5 states away from any family/close friends, and this is our secret. As far as I'm concerned, it will stay that way forever. BTW, if the "world" ever finds out, I'm seriously considering joining the Peace Corp or something. I don't want to deal with the drama...so I'll just run away. Crazy? YES! But, that's how I feel currently. I don't want to face this!!!

This is a choice you will need to make based on what's best for you and your H. There is no right or wrong answer.

Migsamac - I could not agree with you more. My H and I have made the same decision. I also agree with fledthe state, because H and OW are in two totally different worlds. I still can't believe that my H slept with someone like OW. It is beyond me. I often feel that my husband may have resent me but I am learning the NC rule is the only way our marriage will work and heal. I will NEVER accept OW or OC in my life or to be apart of my FAMILY. I don't want the DRAMA and I don't want my future children to be apart of this MESS! OW and H should have thought about this before going there. In addition, OW waited 2 years to say anything. WHY should we now accept this into our life. NO SIR! We will pay the bill EVERY month but that is ABOUT it. We are moving on and looking forward to a better MARRIAGE!

Like others have said...I'm protecting myself. Our marriage would NEVER work if we had C.