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And of course he won't go to a doctor for anti-D's. Men almost never will.
So if he is happier around friends and family, try to increase that.
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No he won't go to a doctor. Its making me very angry and I just feel like walking away but I think he if he can get through this we can be on the road to recovery. I have tried explaining to him that many WS feel this way, he said that angers him to hear that he is a "textbook" case. He thinks maybe he is different from everyone else and he feels this way for a reason.
Do you think it means that its coming to the end of the withdrawal, or this is just typical of withdrawal itself?
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Posts: 152
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Should I stay away from him for the rest of the day and give him a taste of being without me for the day? Or do I try to work with him, text him that I think he's wonderful and he can get through this, etc?
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Posts: 152
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Posts: 152 |
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 152
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 152 |
He is telling me that he is trying not to give up its just not easy. I feel that he is in the EXACT same place as he was the last time NC was estabolished and he broke it. I am kind of worried right now and just feel lost.
I have just reread some articles on the MB site, especially the 3 states of marriage. Any ideas how i can pull him back?
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Posts: 152
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I would like to install a keylogger on our laptop at home but I do not know much about them. can someone fill me in?
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Posts: 152
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Posts: 152 |
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Posts: 152
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Posts: 152 |
Is it a bad idea to print off some material from this site and read it with H? We talked a little throughout the day, his mood was improving but he said not much has changed. I told him that in order for us to have fun together we need to be doing things together that ARE fun.. I am just so fed up because I am really starting to think contact may have been broken. Its really hard to stay in PLAN A when I think of the possiblity of them talking again.
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Posts: 307
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Yeah, I told my wife she was a textbook case, too. She didn't like it. I kept giving her examples of folks on here who were in worse shape than we were in hopes that it would give her hope in making the marriage work. It didn't....she always said that's them, not us.
The bottom line is that she didn't want to come here for advice because she didn't want the marriage. Having a marriage with me would mean not having freedom, or a relationship with someone else. So, coming to this site was a threat to her happiness.
As far as avoiding you hubby, my wife preferred me to be away. She could do want she wanted. I don't know the right answer - maybe it is to find something to occupy your time and not worry about what he is doing - I know that's hard though.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 307
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eBlaster is an awesome keylogger.
It costs $100 and downloads in about 5 mins.
It will email you a report everyday of EVERYTHING they do.
passwords, chats, websites, - it's good.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 307
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I would not try to force any type of recovery or committing while he is in contact with OW or in withdrawal. It won't work. Once the fog has lifted, then he can make real decisions and take real action.
My wife committed to me, but kept contacting OM, so it was all just a lie.
I am not trying to discourage you from showing your H info from this site. It might be helpful? But, I just want you to be prepared for what the likely outcome may be.
Last edited by arkhawk1; 04/16/10 07:43 PM.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 27,069
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Posts: 27,069 |
I wouldn't show him anything or try to educate him.
By all means put a keylogger on the computer. Eblaster is good.
Try telling him how happy you are that he is trying so hard. Meet his needs that he will let you meet.
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I would really like to do the questionaires. SHould I ask him if he is willing? I did tell him that was a condition of us trying again when I found out about the last email.
He doesn't even know what his needs are. Ugh..FOG!
Thanks again believer!
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 152
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 152 |
Thanks arkhawk1. I know how you feel about the lies. he has tried to break contact 5 times I think...I lost count. I made mistakes by not posting last year, so there was no exposure at first, no NC letter, no plan A, etc. Hoping to do it right this time. 
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Posts: 27,069
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Of course he doesn't know what his needs are, he's all fogged out. Try to figure out what needs OW was meeting and see if you can start meeting some of them.
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Good Point. I can think of 3 she met but what confuses me, is I didn't stop doing any of them either. SF is high need for him, and it is for me too. Until she came we did this frequently, and of course he lost interest in it with me over time. He thinks we were in a "rut" so I have been trying to do new things and he doesn't respond to it. he tells me he thinks its "fake" and weird. (SF stuff and non SF stuff)
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Posts: 27,069
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Yes, it may feel fake and weird, but keep it up. Admiration is usually a big one for men. Can you ask his help on things that he is good at and then give him admiration?
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Yeah thats a good idea. I have been trying to get him to learn to take a compliment too, whenever someone does, he always shrugs it off and says they are wrong.
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Posts: 27,069 |
If you get into the habit, maybe he will stop shrugging it off. Although that might be his personality and why he finds the online fantasy attractive.
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I think it could be his personality. That is the scary thing. He always found the online stuff appealing I think. But I will keep trying, I complimented today and he actually chuckled and said thank you so maybe that is a step in the right direction!
Me: BS 30
WH: 32
Married: 4 Yrs
Together: 14 Yrs
Dday: May 2009
FR: MANY
A: Online EA turned PA January 2009 and again May 2009
FRMLY: Hopeful30
To all WS: "Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby."
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