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WW told me that she'd already told her family and they supported her, which I find hard to believe. I've just told one of her good friends (who was shocked) and I sent her mother an email. I'm getting in contact with my command back in the states for some support in reaching out to the OM and WW's commands.

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Good job! I doubt that your wife had told her family as that almost never happens. If waywards tell their family, they put a spin on it. Good job on emailing her mother.

You need to tell her about the affair and let her know that you want to save your marriage and would appreciate any help.

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Told her sister too. She's been talking with her sister a LOT over the past few months. Her sister is getting married next month. Haven't heard anything back from the mom or sister though. Expecting some fury coming my way from my wife.

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Hi Jeff,

YOu are a young man. There things you need to really understand. I know you understand them from an Army perspective so I will put what I say in those terms. Are there consequences for a troop that messes up and hurts one of his fellow soldiers? Are their consequences for a commander that messes up and risks/endangers/leads to harm for those under him/her? IN fact aren't there consequences large and small if someone messes up while in the military?

Of course I know the answers to all of those questions, but do you? I think you do.

The OM and your W know/knew/will understand that there are consequences for doing something illegal and without morality. Do NOT protect them from those consequences. In fact, one of the MAIN tools for a betrayes spouse is EXPOSURE and allowing the WS to experience the consequences of their actions. Exposure is STRONGLY encouraged by the founder of this site and a man with years of succesful counseling of marriage where affairs have intruded.

Finally, where I went to school before commissioning, they had an honor code. It was simple it said: "Never lie, cheat or steal nor tolerate those that do." It was in place because those in positions such as yours are called to a higher standard. So is your W and so is OM. Hold them to that standard.

You are in a combat zone. You do not need nor should be focused on your W's deeds at this point. It could be deadly to you and those around you. Your W knows this, OM knows this, and so do their commanders.

Put this in the hands of their commanders for right now and focus on your job and being alert. It will do know one any good and certainly not your marriage if you are KIA.

See your Chaplain, see your JAG, and expose this affair to their commanders.

God Bless,

JL

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Well, after telling one of her good friends, her mother, her sister and her best friend... She called me repeatedly. We finally got a good connection. I got, "So loving me is you trying to ruin my life?!" "Did you really think my friends were going to take your side?" "So you want to threaten me into staying married?" "I feel like I'm done talking to you. From now on you can talk to my lawyer."

I told her I was doing this because it's the right thing, and because I love her. And that I knew she was going to be mad, but hopefully she'll get over it once the affair is destroyed.

She was furious.

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She just sent an email saying she'll be mailing me divorce papers (in Afghanistan.)

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Normal WW response. Anger then threaten you. WW can send you all the papers she wants and you do not have to sign them. This shows that they fear exposure. Hoping that their threats stop you from exposing any further.

If WW complains again that you will be ruining her career. You just say you did not do anything. You did not have an affair. You did not break regulations. You did not force WW to have an affair. WW chose to break rules that will damage her career. It was her choices and actions.

How has exposing to the military going?

You must not stop exposing. You must tell the OMW, and his parents as well.

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Talk is cheap - especially among waywards.

You need to expose OMW!!!


Me (FWH) 44
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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Normal WW response. Anger then threaten you. WW can send you all the papers she wants and you do not have to sign them. This shows that they fear exposure. Hoping that their threats stop you from exposing any further.

If WW complains again that you will be ruining her career. You just say you did not do anything. You did not have an affair. You did not break regulations. You did not force WW to have an affair. WW chose to break rules that will damage her career. It was her choices and actions.

How has exposing to the military going?

You must not stop exposing. You must tell the OMW, and his parents as well.

I'm jumping through hoops trying to contact the OMW. It's tough since I'm here in Afghanistan. I've recruited a few people in their area to help me track her down.

I've drafted the letter to their commanders, and mine. It's one letter for everyone, it outlines how the affair began, how they reacted when confronted, and presents the phone logs as proof. I doubt it's enough proof to get anyone in real trouble (that practically takes sworn statements of admission from the involved parties) but hopefully it will motivate them to seriously counsel these two.

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Also I got "[censored] you" "go to hell" and "thanks for making this decision easier for me" from my WW. I've never in my life spoken to her like that, or her to me like that.

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You are doing good! Do not warn your WW or OM!


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
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2 Children 20 and 22 years
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Originally Posted by Jeff4187
Also I got "[censored] you" "go to hell" and "thanks for making this decision easier for me" from my WW. I've never in my life spoken to her like that, or her to me like that.

And as you read from these forums - very standard WS reaction to exposure.

And as you read from these forums - angry reaction shows that exposure is working.


Me (FWH) 44
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Get those letters out ASAP. Also send them out as emails. Double delivery insures they will be recieved and taken seriously.

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It seems so crazy since only 5 days ago she was reading MB and saying how much sense it all made, we both filled out emotional needs surveys, everything seemed good, she was being rational again. Then overnight, she's saying she "can't cut him out of her life." and she "doesn't want to." And that "only guilt made her want to try with me again."

Today, after just a little exposure, she's saying "i hope your pop psychology works out for you" and "i hope your threats make you happy." All I've said is that I intend to destroy this affair, she essentially laughed at me and said I couldn't. But she's still furious.

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Do not talk to her too much right now. You cannot talk her out from affair. Act, focus to your plan, do not deviate. I have been in your shoes, my FWW was furious even for the fact that I contacted OM (not OMW)!

Just keep the exposure rolling, it has the best effect when doing it over as short time as possible.



Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
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2 Children 20 and 22 years
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Well I've already sent messages to her best friend, one of her other friends, her sister, her mother, and soon her commander. Also soon his commander, and hopefully his wife. The letters should be in the commanders' email boxes when they get to work Monday morning. Not too hard to arrange since I'm 12.5 hours ahead of them due to the time zones.

Last edited by Jeff4187; 04/18/10 05:47 AM.
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She said your threats couldn't destroy her affair. Wait till she has to pop tall in front of her commander. And is ordered not to speak to him. And the same goes for him. The army is really starting to come down on adultery. She won't be laughing Monday. Expect the standard call from her. She will be furious, then reality will set in. She has played her only card. Threatening divorce. Oops no more cards. He will not leave his wife. And most definitely throw your wife under the bus.

Last edited by ouchthathurt; 04/18/10 06:38 AM.
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Well I went over my draft letter and the phone records with my supervisor and he said it sounded good, and I had his full support. Blasted it off to all the relevant commanders across the US. I guess they'll see it Monday morning and then the circus will begin.

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Good for you. She will be taken down a peg, when her command gets in her face. Stay strong. And thank you for your service.

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I shot it off to her OCS company commander as well. I found out there was an investigation back then into their relationship. They denied everything and it was dismissed as rumor. They lied to his face. I figured he deserved to know.

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