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She un-friended me on facebook. I'm not friends with my wife!

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Of course, you "ruined" everything (e.g. affair), didn't you? wink

Stay strong.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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I'm sure she's not even aware of the [censored]-storm that's in the making at this point. 3 LTCs, 2 CPTs and a full bird colonel are going to want answers come Monday morning.

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she probably isn't aware.... she's mad and pissed that her little secret is coming out.... my WH definitely was....


AnnaBelle Rose

Me: 29 WH:31 DS: 22mths M: almost 6 years, together 7 1/2
I am not a mistake. - ABR
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I honestly don't see our marriage recovering from this. The level of anger and threats she's made are like nothing I've ever seen from her. Not to mention that she already seemed to have decided that she wanted a divorce.

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All you say me be true. But There is something more important then your marriage. Your self respect. This is her baring the responsibilities and consequences for her actions. When everything is said and done. There is gonna be only one person to blame for this.... The girl in the mirror.

Last edited by ouchthathurt; 04/18/10 08:03 AM.
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Good Morning Jeff,

Yes, you are doing good! You are doing what is right.
Many of here have been through this exposure process, we know how difficult it is and have had our own WS's scream and take tantrums on us.
It will subside.
Many times exposure has been all that is needed to stop an A in it's tracks.

When you are talking to WW, be careful not to get into back and forth spitting games.
She will continue to spew things that will make your blood boil, and your eyes roll.
She's not herself right now, it's like she is abducted by aliens, and that's how you should hear her words.
Change the subject, mention an enjoyable event that the two of you did, mention that you are committed to being M, believe in M ........
Focus on the goal of restoring your M.

I'm glad you have told people who can support you.

I don't know how much of MB your WW knows, it's best that she not know about this forum, yet.
In time when she is committed to restoring your M, she is welcome to get some guidance here.

I hope that you get some results soon about how to contact OM's BW.
Being the other victim, she needs to know what is going on in her life, her M.
You can direct her here to this site for support.

Keep reading the articles and threads.
Do you understand the Carrot and Stick ?

btw, how old are you Jeff?


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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I'm 25. She turns 24 next month. I've never responded to any of the angry things she's said to me from day 1. I've stayed positive, told her I understand why she feels the way she does, but I love her and want to work on the marriage. She has painted me as controlling, manipulative, monstrous, etc. But she almost always ended up saying I was a great person, she feels terrible for what she's put me through, and I deserve to be with another great person, not someone like her.

I still haven't heard back from any of her friends or family that I sent messages to. I have to wonder what she's told them about the situation.

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Prepare for her to be very angry.

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Originally Posted by believer
Prepare for her to be very angry.


Well she said she didn't want to talk to me, that I could talk to her lawyer on the phone. Then she sent me a bunch of short nasty emails. Should I assume that she's not done talking then? That she won't just clam up and try to file for divorce?

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Jeff:

When she hits bottom, she may very well run for the light. Be the light. I see words that indicate she may not be happy with herself right now. For good reason. And she may not know how to get out of the situation she finds herself in. For good reason.

Be the light she runs to. And she may.

Larry.

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Originally Posted by Jeff4187
I honestly don't see our marriage recovering from this. The level of anger and threats she's made are like nothing I've ever seen from her. Not to mention that she already seemed to have decided that she wanted a divorce.

Jeff,

Believe me. Your WW said all those things to make you give up and think that exposing to the Army would either be too late or would be the final nail in the coffin. She was afraid of you exposing and did everything she could to MANIPULATE you into not exposing because she knows it will end the affair. Granted, she might file for divorce anyway to either try and save face or punish you, but the affair will be over. You never stood a chance while the affair was ongoing, but you have a chance now.

With you being deployed, won't a divorce take a long time to go through? Won't she still have to behave like a married person in the Army while the process is underway if she does file? Either way, you have bought yourself some time. If there is no OM, she is going to want someone to meet her needs, and you might be the only person legally allowed to. Honestly, once their CO's find out and there is not contact between her and OM, her anger will blow over after a few weeks/months and you'll notice her attitude may change.

Let's just put it this way. I thought my marriage was over once I exposed, but that was over 4 years ago and I'm still married. You'd be surprised how much your WW changes once she is no longer in contact w/ OM.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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I'm sure she will threaten divorce, because they all do after exposure. She will tell you that you've gone crazy, you are controlling, you went about it the wrong way, how could you do that to OM's wife, it is none of your business, this is the straw that broke the camel's back, and my very favorite - she will never trust you again.

On the other hand, after exposure, the OM often will end the affair because it is too much trouble for him.

That is what we will hope for.

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Originally Posted by Jeff4187
Originally Posted by believer
Prepare for her to be very angry.


Well she said she didn't want to talk to me, that I could talk to her lawyer on the phone. Then she sent me a bunch of short nasty emails. Should I assume that she's not done talking then? That she won't just clam up and try to file for divorce?

She's angry and trying to bait you into a fight. When I exposed, my WW left the yellow pages open on the divorce lawyer page for me to see it. She was very passive aggressive in an attempt to "get back at me" for exposing. She's just trying to punish you for exposing. I would try to take everything she says right now with a grain of salt. She's just flailing and lashing out as she approaches bottom. Let her anger subside for a few weeks before getting drawn into much conversation with her. Don't explain why you did what you did or try and justify your actions. That's just going to make her angrier. Just say something about, "I'm sorry you feel that way." If she keeps sending nasty messages ingnore them until she sends something nicer. Don't get sucked into a back and forth nasty message war. Stay strong, calm, and collected.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Originally Posted by Jeff4187
I honestly don't see our marriage recovering from this. The level of anger and threats she's made are like nothing I've ever seen from her. Not to mention that she already seemed to have decided that she wanted a divorce.

Jeff,

Believe me. Your WW said all those things to make you give up and think that exposing to the Army would either be too late or would be the final nail in the coffin. She was afraid of you exposing and did everything she could to MANIPULATE you into not exposing because she knows it will end the affair. Granted, she might file for divorce anyway to either try and save face or punish you, but the affair will be over. You never stood a chance while the affair was ongoing, but you have a chance now.

With you being deployed, won't a divorce take a long time to go through? Won't she still have to behave like a married person in the Army while the process is underway if she does file? Either way, you have bought yourself some time. If there is no OM, she is going to want someone to meet her needs, and you might be the only person legally allowed to. Honestly, once their CO's find out and there is not contact between her and OM, her anger will blow over after a few weeks/months and you'll notice her attitude may change.

Let's just put it this way. I thought my marriage was over once I exposed, but that was over 4 years ago and I'm still married. You'd be surprised how much your WW changes once she is no longer in contact w/ OM.

Yes, she can't even serve me with divorce papers while I'm in Afghanistan, I'm legally protected from that. So I have 3 months.

So no contact with her until she calms down?

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Originally Posted by Jeff4187
Yes, she can't even serve me with divorce papers while I'm in Afghanistan, I'm legally protected from that. So I have 3 months.

So no contact with her until she calms down?

Our advice is usually to Plan A your W, but plan B your WW. So, if she contacts you in a civilized manner talking about something other than wanting to divorce you, then I would respond back to her. If she just leaves nasty messages or wants to fight, then ignore her. She'll eventually learn that she will only be able to talk to you if she does so in a respectful manner. Otherwise, she'll get ignored. As for relationship talk, try to avoid that, and just say things like, "you know where I stand, so I don't want to talk about that right now." Don't talk about the relationship until there is at least 6 weeks of verified NC w/ OM and you have made enough love bank deposits where she isn't talking about leaving anymore. Even then, tip-toe lightly and table the talk before any arguments arise. Focus more on meeting ENs and avoiding LBs.

3 months is also a good time because she will likely get through most of withdrawal before you get back, and that can be awful for the BS. I think having some friends back home keeping an eye out for your WW would be a good idea because when the affair ends, the WS usually either goes back to their BS, or finds some other OM. You want to make sure she just doesn't move on to some other OM before you get back. If not, then I think you have a pretty good chance.

Last edited by jmwc95; 04/18/10 10:14 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Even when I get back in 3 months, we don't live at the same place. She's waiting to start her branch school and I'm at my permanent duty station. She's supposed to come to live with me when she's done with school, that's been our plan for 2 years. However, that's certainly not her plan anymore. So if I go 3 months without hearing from her, and then go back home, then what? Fly out to go talk to her face to face? This situation is unique in that we haven't actually lived together in nearly 2 years, and if we don't manage to band-aid it up at least a little bit between now and say, October, we probably never will get the chance to live together.

And I have no friends where she is to "keep an eye on her." She's not accountable to anyone, that's part of the problem. Why would she leave her super happy affair for what must seem like nothing for her. Loneliness. There's no one there to support her or make her stick to NC with the OM. I think that's why she lasted 3 days after we went through a bunch of the MB stuff.

Last edited by Jeff4187; 04/18/10 10:18 AM.
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You're not experienced in the affair time line yet. The OM will most definitely throw her under the bus. This is his career and family. Your wife is not part of the equation if he risks losing it all. She is in the fog right now. It will clear. Then, if she wants a divorce it will be with a clear head.

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Is it wrong that makes me feel like "leftovers" or the "fallback guy?" Once she's rejected by him then she'll settle for me again?

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That's part of the battle you have to fight. Whether you want her again. You may not. But the first thing that must be done is the affair must be killed to find out. Frankly she doesn't deserve you. You are a major catch (or maybe a captain catch). You will have to beat the ladies away with a stick.

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