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Originally Posted by ouchthathurt
That's part of the battle you have to fight. Whether you want her again. You may not. But the first thing that must be done is the affair must be killed to find out. Frankly she doesn't deserve you. You are a major catch (or maybe a captain catch). You will have to beat the ladies away with a stick.

My friends have been reminding me how I used to date 4 different girls 4 nights a week. But when I met my WW, I thought all that was over. She was challenging and different. Turns out she was way more challenging that I ever could have guessed. I don't want to be single again. frown

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Originally Posted by Jeff4187
Even when I get back in 3 months, we don't live at the same place. She's waiting to start her branch school and I'm at my permanent duty station. She's supposed to come to live with me when she's done with school, that's been our plan for 2 years. However, that's certainly not her plan anymore. So if I go 3 months without hearing from her, and then go back home, then what? Fly out to go talk to her face to face? This situation is unique in that we haven't actually lived together in nearly 2 years, and if we don't manage to band-aid it up at least a little bit between now and say, October, we probably never will get the chance to live together.

And I have no friends where she is to "keep an eye on her." She's not accountable to anyone, that's part of the problem. Why would she leave her super happy affair for what must seem like nothing for her. Loneliness. There's no one there to support her or make her stick to NC with the OM. I think that's why she lasted 3 days after we went through a bunch of the MB stuff.

IF your marriage is going to survive, then you can't live apart again. When your 3 months is up, I would suggest either working something out where you live together or call it quits. Your WW has shown her desire to get her needs met, and you can't possibly meet them if you don't live together. You'll have to make the decision of making changes to your plan or moving on with your life. You are only 25 and you don't have kids together, so it might just be a good idea to move on if you can't change your living arrangements. Long distance relationships for several years are just bound to fail.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Like I said, she'll be done with her training in october. So the plan was for her to come live with me then, permanently. Obviously once I'm back in the states I can visit her frequently for August and September until she's able to come live with me.

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One thing at a time Jeff. Better that you don't mention anything about the relationship, let her talk about it. Your not the one who changed. Trust me, the less you say, the faster her fog will clear. Just be the man she you were when she first met.

Last edited by ouchthathurt; 04/18/10 11:43 AM.
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Originally Posted by Jeff4187
Like I said, she'll be done with her training in october. So the plan was for her to come live with me then, permanently. Obviously once I'm back in the states I can visit her frequently for August and September until she's able to come live with me.

Okay, that's not much longer. I was thinking it was going to be a lot longer than that. That may be manageable once she gets through withdrawal from OM.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Hi Jeff,

Thanks for your service! You're getting some great advice here... stick with your guns and don't get into any relationship discussions with your W while you're deployed. Stay focused on your soldiers and your mission!

I suspect that once the various Cdr's open their e-mail tomorrow morning that several things will happen:

1 - Your W and OM will soon have an office call with at least their BN Cdr... possibly the Bde Cdr ... and in some instances, if the CG reserves the right, they might even have to talk to the CG of their installaion. I know that in Afghanistan that the CG reserves the right to prosecute Officers for misconduct... probably the same thing here in Iraq, but I haven't checked...

2 - Both Cdrs will appoint an investigating officer to conduct an Article 32 investigation based on your exposure letter.

3 - Your W and the OM will be questioned under oath. If they lie under oath, (this is what usually gets adulterers), then their career is finished. I suspect that they will most likely lie since you said that there was already an investigation... If during the course of the investigation it is determined that either one of them lied, then their careers are finished. (Do you happen to have e-mail discussions between your W and you where you are discussing the A? If so, send a copy to both Cdrs!)

4 - As a minimum, even if the investigation doesn't find any "conclusive" proof, they most likely will receive a General Officer Letter of Reprimand which will follow them around for the rest of their "career".

You are doing the right thing here... don't worry about your W's "career"... she's the one that ended her Army career... not you! Same with the OM. He knew the risks and your actions have nothing to do with the outcome of his career. (Personally, I hope he gets kicked out with 19.5 years in and zipo for a retirement!)

I have no words for a "man", much less a brother officer that would fool around with a deployed soldier's wife... He is not fit to wear the same uniform that you and other great Americans are wearing!

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

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RIF you ROCK

RIFROCKS

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Rif is right. You may decide to forgive her and reconcile at some point, but when she contacts you, And goes ballistic. Let her fume, let her rail. The whole point is, when she here's from command on this, It will be like a 100,000 watt light bulb on the affair. It is important that "someone else" confronts her on this. When she has brass holding a mirror up to her. She will see the light. Not about her staying with you, about her conduct. At some point when the hammer comes down, she will call and explode. Let her just blow. When she is finished. Tell her one thing in a very calm voice. "You have broken two of the most important vows you can make in life. The first is when you broke your marriage vow to me, the second is when you broke the faith with a fellow soldier. You are not fit to command let alone serve in the army". I hope you continue to seek advice and support from the others here. I believe it can help you heal and maybe even restore your marriage.

Last edited by ouchthathurt; 04/18/10 01:00 PM.
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Jeff,

You said
Quote
But she almost always ended up saying I was a great person, she feels terrible for what she's put me through, and I deserve to be with another great person, not someone like her.
Well, at least she got something right in all of this. smile

There is a famous saying that you really need to take on board in your mind.
Quote
The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.


Despite all of her yelling and screaming, you need to realize she is still attached to you at least a little. Exposure almost AWLWAYS brings the reaction you are seeing, and when her CO and people in the command chain get ahold of he and OM, then there really will be screaming and there should be. You are taking away crack from an addict and they don't like you messing with their addiction.

Since this happened before in OCS, I am betting the ARmy will not be very "sensitve" to their positions on this as being just friends. Further, if you have emails detailing what she has told you and said to you, keep them and make them available to the chain of command.

I would again like to suggest that you see the chaplain on your post. You will probably need a real person to talk to and talk out many things.

Hang in there, the war has just begun and this is just the first battle. Focus on yourself and your job right now.

God Bless,

JL

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Originally Posted by RIF
I suspect that once the various Cdr's open their e-mail tomorrow morning that several things will happen:

1 - Your W and OM will soon have an office call with at least their BN Cdr... possibly the Bde Cdr ... and in some instances, if the CG reserves the right, they might even have to talk to the CG of their installaion. I know that in Afghanistan that the CG reserves the right to prosecute Officers for misconduct... probably the same thing here in Iraq, but I haven't checked...

2 - Both Cdrs will appoint an investigating officer to conduct an Article 32 investigation based on your exposure letter.

3 - Your W and the OM will be questioned under oath. If they lie under oath, (this is what usually gets adulterers), then their career is finished. I suspect that they will most likely lie since you said that there was already an investigation... If during the course of the investigation it is determined that either one of them lied, then their careers are finished. (Do you happen to have e-mail discussions between your W and you where you are discussing the A? If so, send a copy to both Cdrs!)

4 - As a minimum, even if the investigation doesn't find any "conclusive" proof, they most likely will receive a General Officer Letter of Reprimand which will follow them around for the rest of their "career".
This is great info on the fallout of exposing in the army.
This is my 'what I've learned today' post, and will tuck this away for future reference.

Good luck to you Jeff, you are in very good hands here!
Take care of you, and yes, thank you for your service in the army.

And take note ...... you are in no way responsible for your WW's choice to have an A.
She decided to let someone else meet her needs, and allowed it to progress one step further, then another, and then another.....




M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Well she wrote me again, accusing me of threatening her, and being use under-handed sneaky attack-mode tactics with her family and friends. She says they have rallied to her support over all of this, and encouraged her to file for divorce immediately, and that her mother fears that I might physically harm her. (Absolutely ludicrous, I've never been a violent person in any regard. She says I told them a half-story and that once they heard what she had to say they would never be on my side.

She finished with: "At least you have made this all easier for me, cuz there is definitely no way we are going to work it out now, and I will be hard put trying to regret not being married to someone who seems to have completely jumped off the deep end of crazy. "

If there is another half to this story, I simply don't know it. I didn't lie or tell any half-truths to her family or friends.

She also sent: "I will send you those t-shirts tomorrow if you still need them. I'm doing this because you are deployed and your parents do not have access to them. Don't take this as some sort of sign that we are all going to be peachy after all of this"

I replied with: "Thank you for sending the t-shirts. I'm sorry you feel like me telling the entire truth about what I know is under-handed. I haven't lied about anything, and have tried to be fully open and honest with you and everyone else involved, for the sake of our marriage and my own integrity. "

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yeah, I heard that spew too about half-truths.... wayward spew. Don't let it get to you.


AnnaBelle Rose

Me: 29 WH:31 DS: 22mths M: almost 6 years, together 7 1/2
I am not a mistake. - ABR
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Right, and you're going to physically harm her from how many miles away?

Ludicrous of her.

This is her private A world blowing up.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by Jeff4187
Well she wrote me again, accusing me of threatening her, and being use under-handed sneaky attack-mode tactics with her family and friends. She says they have rallied to her support over all of this, and encouraged her to file for divorce immediately, and that her mother fears that I might physically harm her. (Absolutely ludicrous, I've never been a violent person in any regard. She says I told them a half-story and that once they heard what she had to say they would never be on my side.

She finished with: "At least you have made this all easier for me, cuz there is definitely no way we are going to work it out now, and I will be hard put trying to regret not being married to someone who seems to have completely jumped off the deep end of crazy. "

If there is another half to this story, I simply don't know it. I didn't lie or tell any half-truths to her family or friends.

She also sent: "I will send you those t-shirts tomorrow if you still need them. I'm doing this because you are deployed and your parents do not have access to them. Don't take this as some sort of sign that we are all going to be peachy after all of this"

I replied with: "Thank you for sending the t-shirts. I'm sorry you feel like me telling the entire truth about what I know is under-handed. I haven't lied about anything, and have tried to be fully open and honest with you and everyone else involved, for the sake of our marriage and my own integrity. "

I wouldn't even respond to her accusations. I would have left it at thank you for the shirts and completely ignored the rest. That would have left her fuming to not get any kind of rise out of you.

If you think that's bad, just wait until tomorrow. She's going to be livid.

Last edited by jmwc95; 04/18/10 08:56 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Good Morning Jeff!

Everything she said in her e-mail(s) is just smoke and mirrors... she's lashing out at you because she knows her little fantasy is about to burst.

Your reply was good. It would have been better if you'd said:

"Thanks for the T-shrits."


Again, I know it's hard, but try to stay away from ANY relationship discussions. You're not going to sway her at all by trying to reason with her. Just show her kindness and nothing more. Don't get baited into the "Yes I am" - "No you're no" discussions.

Her friend and family MAY be on her side, but for now, they are of no concern to you. Your first priority is exposing the A to their Cdrs. I suspect that your W is in severe damage control mode with her friends and family and is spinning everything in HER favor. Again, don't get into arguments or try to sway her family... they aren't the main effort here...

Later on this evening their Cdr's should be reading your e-mail and that's when the fantasy bubble is going to pop! Sit back and get ready for some more hateful e-mails... Here are a few samples that you MIGHT see:

"Well, you've done it now... my career is finished. I hope you're happy!"


"I'll never forgive you!"


"You just blew your last chance with me!"


"I can't believe that I ever loved you"

...and if she really wants to get really nasty with you, be prepared for some sexual details from her A about how "good" the OM is and how "horrible" you are, blah blah blah blah... it will only be an attempt to "hurt" you. Yes, those comments will hurt, but recognize them for what they are... a poor attempt to lash out at the person that just spoiled her "fun"...

Don't buy into any of her drivle... Like JL said, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference!

You are doing great here! I would keep snooping and see if you can expose this A to the OM's wife. OM will most likely tell his W that some nut-job is telling lies about him and now it's affecting his job (OM's motive: throw hiw W off the trail that he's been a bad boy, and make himself out to be the victim)

If you can get actual proof (remember those e-mails I asked you about) to OM's wife, I suspect that you will nail the coffin shut on the OM... Career down the tubes, and you'll have another set of "eyes" to keep OM away from your W.

I've got to head to work in a little bit. We're 1.5 hrs behind you here in Iraq so I won't have a chance to get back on until later on this evening... by then, we sould be able to see some smoke from your e-mails.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

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Her husband is in Afghanistan serving his country, while she is here carrying on an affair. Her commanders will come at her hard and fast. They can't do anything when a civilian cheats on their spouse who is serving over seas. But there will be some major smoke coming out of their ears about a brother officer being cheated on by another officer. After all these soldiers give being in a (s) hole like Afghanistan, to be betrayed by their spouses here, deserves the full weight of the UCMJ coming down on them.

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She replied with:
" like how u think that telling my people a very, small portion of our story is telling the whole truth. Like i said, i hope that works out for u. My peopleknow the whole actual truth, not the short version that u tried to 'demonize' me with, and they are all standing behind me.

But i do hope that ur decision to attack me keeps u warm at night"




I'm thinking this the part where I stop replying entirely?

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Hi Jeff - I think you should stop replying. Let her stew.

Just my opinion.


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Yes, stop replying. Did you read previous posts?

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For sure.
Don't reply to her insane criticisms and raving lunacy.
Don't talk relationship talk.

If you do interact with her, DO present your best self. Try to meet her ENs as much as you can. Avoid LBs. As furious as she is, and as addicted to OM as she is, you won't be making any deposits in her LB$... but you can be presenting yourself as an attractive spouse.

Right now she's telling herself every little thing you ever did wrong, plus she's making up a few. And she's telling herself how wonderful OM is and how you've cheated her out of "true looove".

Your job is to avoid giving her more fuel for her insane self-talk. Be an attractive spouse (meet ENs). Avoid LBs. Don't talk relationship talk.

GREAT job on exposure. Did you ever get hold of OM's wife?

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