When he confessed to talking to her, I looked at him and said "can you honestly look at me and tell me this is not an addiction?" His response was no.

He said that he realizes this is a problem. She contacted his parents and brother on facebook, and his father read the message to him. (It was disgusting). She told him that she didn't write this message, it must have been me. He said that made him realize she was lying to him all along.

I am not sure if I should take this as a "good sign" as I know the fog takes over and clouds his thoughts.

But you could both go to Human Resources and tell them about the affair and ask that MSN messenger be blocked from his computer.

What was the message?

No, her mother called me from his phone and hung up. (this was a few weeks ago) Her mother told her that if she continues this she will not have anything else to do with her.

Her facebook account is blocked so you cannot find her under search. I do know some of her friends names so I can find them. I really worry about this girl, she is really a wacko. (seriously) She is also involved with another married man.

My worry about calling her father is that he is abusive and crazy. He could show up at our door. I also worry that this will cause contact between them again, because I know for sure she will call or text my H and I think he will be pissed. (he has no right I know)

I see what you mean about the questionaire. Good Point.

oh, do I write him a letter or do we talk about this in person? (The list of requirements)

The message was that their son is a lowlife and has been involved with her, that he ended things to be with his [censored] of a wife, that he didn't want his parents to know but f**k him...

that sort of thing.

hopeful, just so you know, there are so many screen names with "hope" "hopeful" that I can never keep their stories straight. You might want to change your name to something more unique if you want to get more help. I have posted before to people named "hopexxxx" and never post again because I can't ever tell which "hopexxxx" they are.

Anyway, one thing I would do for certain TODAY is expose the hell out of this affair. I am CONFUSED why this wasn't done earlier, because you would likely be much further along now if you had. You have some great opportunities such as her father and her facebook friends. Are there any other exposure targets? Close family or friends?

He could also jump over the moon. You have no idea how he will react. I would expose the affair to the father, CALL THE MOTHER AGAIN, and get the OW's list of facebook friends. Then send a letter to the OW's facebook friends, via email that goes something like this:

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

I will change my screenname. Thanks!

I now know that exposure is the key. Unfortunately at the time, I felt ashamed, like there was something wrong with ME. So I kept it hidden. After finding MB I realized so much, and I thought that we were heading to R, and that there was NC so I thought if I exposed then, it would lead to a disaster.

There is no one else to expose too. Our friends and family know and so does hers. She has even lost friends because of this. She is truly a vindictive person, she is even threatening to have me fired. Although I cannot see how, I never changed anything on her cell account, I just look at who she texts, etc.

LOVE the letter!

Call her father and her mother. Can you get the list of her facebook friends from someone who can see her fb?

Most importantly I would be thinking of effective ways your H can affair proof your marriage so this doesn't happen again. Obviously he cannot continue to IM the skank from work. That will have to end even if he has to find a new job.

Yes you are right, we have talked about him changing jobs. No one can see her on FB, she is like me, totally blocked out.

I will call her parents and just tell them we are trying to R and to please have her stop the threats and calls.

I changed my username so I hope that helps!

Melody- Did you council with the Drs?

much better!!


We went to the Marriage Builders weekend. In your case, I think Steve Harley would be the best solution because he can PERSUADE your H to invest in the marriage again using his plan. Your H needs motivation and Steve is the best.

thats excellent advice. I dont want to give up on him, but I think he is in such a deep fog that this may happen again. He assures me that he wants to try and he knows that it will be hard, but he doesn't know what to do to get the ball rolling.

And I don't want to pressure him or use LB's like I did in the past. Right now, I am trying to not talk about the feelings I have that he will do this again because to be honest, I don't think that will help him. Am I right?

new, you need to tell him what I told you. Write it out and tell him just what I said. The pressure NEEDS TO BE INTENSE. It is time to turn up the FIRE under his [censored].

For today, I would call the OW's mother and dad and ask for their help in stopping their daughter. REad to them the horrible email she sent to his parents. Better yet, would your MIL call them?

Secondly, I would call and get an appt with Steve Harley for yourself. He won't counsel you together anyway so you don't need your H to commit to an appt now, he just has to agree to counseling with him in the future.

And lastly, I would write out your talking points and have a discussion with your H when he gets home outlining the conditions under which you are willing to go forward.

Thanks for your advice again. I will follow. My MIL may call them she is soooo upset right now she may end up screaming! LOL

Your MIL can be a great help! She can call the OW's parents and have a chat with her son. If my son was acting so trashy, he would get my boot in his butt!

I like ML's list of requirements very much. I'd write them down and have you both sign it. That way later on he can't say "Oh, I thought you said..." and he WILL try to weasel out of some of it. It's human nature, plain and simple.

Regarding OW contacting him at work... he needs to go to HR (and you can go with him if he wants the support) and tell them of his affair and request a new phone number. Also he can request that chat programs (AOL, MSN, etc.) be blocked to his desktop.

He can put a rule on his email that automatically forwards any emails from Skanky to HR, or you, or the emails can be permanently deleted w/o him seeing them (NOT put in the wastebasket, but *deleted*).

These are all ideas for if you hit a brick wall... but I'd put the onus on HIM to come up with ways to ensure NC. Tell HIM to figure out how he's going to enforce it (and be sure he knows that willpower ain't gonna cut it) and to let you know when he's taken action to ensure she cannot contact him any more.

The thing is, you don't want to shove this down his throat and have him resent you for it. You want him to own his behavior, and to come up with ideas for how to change this dynamic. Then he'll have buy-in, and be more likely to stick with the program.

One thing I've noticed is you do a LOT of relationship talk with your H. Cut that out, yesterday! There will be plenty of time for relationship talk and mending all broken things. Right now you should be in Plan A which means expose, meet ENs, and avoid LBs. Relationship talk with a wayward is a big fat DJ. You are assuming you know what he feels. You are assuming you have the answers (MarriageBuilders) and he doesn't. You will empty out his love bank in no time flat if you keep on talking relationship talk with him. So cut it out.