That's pretty much what I'm doing

We have ups and downs. I better learn how to weather them WITH him, because the alternative is the weather them without his support. And that doesn't look so good. I'm very sure God has me here for a reason, and I'm going to make the most of it for both of us

Yeah, Markos, get over to Chris. She needs you, and the other guys as well.

Just wanted to write a quick update. I�ve been posting a lot about SF on some of the other threads, but thought I would check in here as well.

Things on the SF front have been improving in fits and starts. I have been making myself more available, thanks to some of the guys� posts. I truly do not want to be contributing to my husband�s �issues� by withholding SF. And while we have not by any stretch been a �sexless marriage,� I know that area could use some improvement. I�m discovering that by meeting my own need for SF, as well as his, that I am feeling closer to him, though not �in love.� I am also appreciating that while foreplay is not his strong suit, it�s not mine either. So I�m focusing on what we do well Also, I�m discovering that I am VERY afraid of intimacy right now. Physical and otherwise. However, I am pushing through the fear of being hurt (emotionally).

I am having a struggle with DJs. Both my own, and also my husband�s. I�m not really sure how to request him to stop DJing me. With an AO it is relatively simple to say, don�t speak to me in that tone of voice or don�t curse. But identifying a DJ from him is harder to do, because it seems to me that in calling him judgemental, I myself am being judgemental too!

I think it is very important that I be able to share my not-so-perfect side with my husband. I love the fact that I can �hash out� my feelings and thoughts with you all here. I REALLY want to be able to do that with my husband as well. But whenever I share with him something I am struggling with, he gets mad at me, tells me how wrong I am, etc. Instead of having some interest in my journey and compassion for whatever is bothering me. I would really like for us to be mutual witnesses for each other�s personal growth, and that includes seeing each other�s �dark side� and accepting it, while at the same time challenging each other to improve.

Am I wrong for wanting this? Is this an expectation? Is there some way in which I can address this need to my husband without getting all caught up in �shoulds� and �oughts� myself?

I haven�t had the conversation with him yet. But just thinking about it.


Also, a trend I�ve noticed. It�s kind of related to the smothering thing.

My husband tends to ask for affection or SF at times that I realistically cannot say yes, and this really bothers me, because it puts me in the position of having to reject him, and I don�t like the way that makes me feel. At the same time, to meet those needs when he requests them is something I cannot do with enthusiasm.

For example:

This morning, I lay back in bed after the kids are up and I have taken a shower. He says, �You should go down on me.� Just like that. He KNOWS that I would never do that in a million years once the kids are up and freely roaming the house! WHY WOULD HE ASK THAT????!!!??? This is a MAJOR LB for me that happens all the time. It�s a LB because of HOW he asks (it wasn�t a request, it was a �should� statement.). It�s a LB because of WHEN he asks (it�s as if he purposely WANTS to be rejected). It�s a LB because of WHAT he is asking for (He knows that I really dislike doing that, and will only do it when the mood strikes when we are well into the hot and heavy SF already.)

How should I handle this situation when it happens? Because it happens a lot, and I really don�t like the way it makes me feel. I have no idea how to set boundaries on this one.

He is SICK.

Well, maybe he just thinks he is being funny.

1. Is it funny to you?

2. What is your response when he says this stuff?

Or maybe he just doesn't have any filters, and isn't very good at expressing his feelings.

I mean, it was nice to be laying there together. He was feeling amorous. Surely there are better ways of expressing his amorous feelings. Like:

"I love the way your body feels . . . I wish we could stay like this all morning."

or

"If the kids weren't awake I would totally ravage you right now."

or

"Thank you for laying here with me. I'll be thinking about you all day at work."



Instead, I get (drum roll please):

"You should go down on me."

Huh?



OK, I'm going to assume that it is possible for me to teach him to express his amorous feelings in ways which actually DEPOSIT love units instead of DRAINING THEM!!!!! BUT HOW?????

What is your response when he says this?

When he says this for 10 years again and again, what has been your response?

How did I respond?

First, I reminded him that I'm taking the word "should" out of my vocabulary. In a lighthearted, not sarcastic, way.

So then he said, "Will you go down on me?"

And I said, "Hun, I don't understand why you tend to ask for things when you KNOW the answer will be no. It's almost as if you WANT me to reject you. And I don't want to reject you. I don't like the way it makes me feel when I reject you."

That's when he got out of bed to get ready for the day.

How have you responded in the past to this?

My gut answer is that I've gotten angry. I think sometimes I've gotten up or pulled away. Other times I have actually expressed my anger, and still other times I've tried to "stuff" it. I don't think I have ever "rewarded" his bad behavior, but I'm aware that I have blind spots, so I could be missing something.

Have you ever had a talk with him about sex......outside and apart from the bedroom?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds this "humor" if that's what it is irritating.

But really, I don't know how to discuss it with him without LBing him. That's my biggest concern. I know that the behavior is not acceptable, I just don't know how to address it without LBing him.

First, I reminded him that I'm taking the word "should" out of my vocabulary. In a lighthearted, not sarcastic, way.

So then he said, "Will you go down on me?"

And I said, "Hun, I don't understand why you tend to ask for things when you KNOW the answer will be no. It's almost as if you WANT me to reject you. And I don't want to reject you. I don't like the way it makes me feel when I reject you."

That's when he got out of bed to get ready for the day.

No wonder he hates conversations with you.

What do you mean?

I'm not sure if that is a slam or a high 5?

Did you discuss your likes and dislikes about sex........like in the morning when alone at the kitchen table...or somewhere when sex was not involved....like at a picnic with him or somewhere not emotionally charged?

He is immature and does not know how to ask for sex or turn anyone on. He turns you off.

You are on a rational, thinking level and are quite wordy and tend to turn him off....of conversation and intimacy.... with all your words and rational thoughts as you spit them out at him.

If I said all that to my husband in bed with him, he would close his ears to me (in pain) because it is way too much. Do you see?

He made a simple (very immature and a turn off however) statement. You corrected him with a long [censored] answer. Sort of like a schoolmarm or a "mother" would when explaining things to a child.