Come to think of it, I don't think we have. Again, blind spots and selective memory could be blocking me. But generally we don't seem to talk about sex unless it is an argument about how my lack of engaging in sex is making him resentful (and HE brings this up, not me).

I have been much better lately about expressing to him the things I LIKE about his behavior. I suppose I could add sex into that as well. Because there are things that I lkike. I have also been much more sexually playful, affectionate and flirtatious with him, to let him know it is on my mind even if I can't act on it.

But I LIKE talking in bed.

I guess he doesn't.

So my talking in bed is a LB. I guess that means I should stop, huh?

Bubs, that was NOT a long-[censored] answer. I could have given him a MUCH longer lecture than I did. That was 4 concise sentences. And I didn't ramble. Usually I ramble.

Do you really think that I was "spitting" them out at him?

So basically, you are saying that we turn each other off. I crawl back in bed for some cuddle time and pillow talk and because I am a litte bit "heady" that's a turn-off to him. I get that. And he's an immature , incosiderate [censored] and that's a turn-off to me.

So how do we MB our way around that?

He probably thought he was being lighthearted with his original "should" statement, as well. Honestly, he probably thought you would find it funny, or arousing. He may be way off base, but that's probably what his thinking was.

In the same way, your lightheartedness probably dealt him a blow.


So then he got really clear and asked, in his language, "Are you willing to meet my emotional needs, or not?" You weren't, but you did give him a disrespectful judgment, so he left.


He didn't know that.

You think he should know that. (And maybe he should.)

And there's the implied "should," the should that wasn't stated in what you said, but was there judging him, nonetheless. The "should" you are trying to avoid, but didn't even know about: "He should know that when he approaches me for sex like that it's a turnoff and I'll have to either reject him or suffer in meeting his request."

I honestly don't know what the positive alternative choice for you was, here. I'm sure there was one, but I don't know what it was.

OK, it appears that conversation is a great big need for you, BUT you are using conversation in a way that TURNS HIM OFF OF IT> Therefore he cannot fill that need for you since he is constantly being TURNED OFF OF CONVERSATION by you.

SEX appears to be a great big need for him, yet the way he uses and approaches sex is a bit TURN OFF for you therefore you cannot fulfil his great big sexual needs.

Because you two accidently TURN EACH OTHER OFF (every day) with regard to your number one needs in marriage, neither one of you are able to get these needs met.

I had to read that several times. For it to sink in. I see what you are saying.

What would have been a better way for me to respond?

i agree with that analysis. Especially the part about me DJing him. Hence my original question, how do I adress his LBing behavior without DJing HIM? Because clearly, this is a major habit of mine, one in which I am completely unaware of my own blindspots. My best bet is to NOT complain because I don't know HOW to complain in a way that is constructive.

I wish I knew. Because I am honestly doing the best I can. I thought I was doing good at keeping my sentences short, stating how his behavior made me feel. I agree there was some judging and implied "shoulds."

I guess that's because this is a VERY common scenario. He is ALWAYS making sexual and non-sexual advances at times that are inappropriate or uncomfortable for me, and I think I am pretty clear with him about why I don't like it, and offer suggestions like, "don't try to hang on me when I'm doing the dishes." or "I'm not going to say "yes" to sex when the kids are awake, so please stop asking." Yes, he SHOULD know, because I have been stating it clearly for years now! And I think I have been stating it NICELY most of the time. And the response I usually get back is whining from him about how resentful he is getting. And I do literally mean whining.

1. Have sex talks outside the bedroom for a while. Make sure you dont make it into a lecture,,,outside the bedroom

2. However you respond to his immature behavior if he does it in bed, do not say much at the moment. Bring it up later.

3. Try and see it from his point of view.


I think you need to completely change your attitudes. I hear that deep inside you feel:

1. Smarter than him
2. More mature than he is
3. More spiritual than he is
4. More knowlegable than he is about "everything"
5. Cuter than him
6. More together than he is
7. More giving than him
8. More virtuous than him
9. Smarter with money than he is
10. More sophistocated than he is
11. More in command of the english launguage than he is
12. More self denial than he has
13. More thoughtful than he is
14. Eat less than (the fat) him.
15. More in control of things...than he is

I think if there is some way you could rid yourself of the above ATTITUDES, then you would know how to relate to him in a different/better way. With all these attitudes hampering you, I do not see how you can see your way clear to make the marriage better. These attitudes come out in everything you say, do, or eat (or not eat). They also affect how well you take care of yourself.

If you dont want to tackle your own attitudes right now but want to try a quick fix, try this:

Drag him into the bedroom with a box of condoms every day of the week today. ON the weekend too. Each day do a different type of sex. BJ, HJ, IC, TOYS (yes, buy some sex toys for yourself and have him use them on you)

This will CHANGE the direction of your sex life. You both will learn some things. It will (hopefully) uproot the dynamics of your sex lives and your marriage so you can have a "closer look at the bad roots" and "pull them out of the ground" thus improving the sex life and the marriage.

The attitude thing:

With all those attitudes at the root of things, I do not see how you cannot look DOWN on him or feel he is LESS than you. Feeling that way...it would be hard to be in love with him (the spouse) and also hard to relate to him enough to have great conversations with him.

Pushing him for a week of sex would be quite a change. Dress in a school marm outfit with a bun in your hair, glasses, and a whip.

I hate to admit it, but I think you have hit the nail on the head. Except for the "giving" line. I don't think I am any more giving than he is. I am willing to be willing to change my attitudes but I have no idea how. More specifically, what ACTIONS must I change?

Ouch.

I have short hair anyway.

Awareness is the first step toward any attitude changes. Work on that for a while and your actions should follow naturally.

IF you start with actions (except the wild week of sex, this could not hurt) then you might not change the underlying bad attitudes and actions will then be forced and possibly fake.

I am sorry but sometimes the attitude changes (in yourself) need to come first, .....

Get a wig

Truly I do not think you can converse with your husband without your underlying attitudes coming thru loud and clear. Then, because of your superior type attitudes toward him, he will be turned off on conversations with you.

I think that he does not want to converse with you NOT because he does not like conversation..... BUT.....in fact.... he feels (on a very deep level) these many attitudes of superiority from you that drip out in every conversation you have with him....and is so turned off and in pain by these....that he is thrown into withdrawal.

He probably does not conciously even know why he does not like to talk to you.

But any married couple where one of the two folks feels very superior over the other one....get them together trying to talk to one another and the conversation will DIE. Because it is so PAINFUL on an inner, spiritual level for the "non superior" spouse.

I think you are constantly judging him with YOUR OWN ATTITUDES and it tends to lead out and ooze out (every single day) in your words and actions toward him. You cannot hide your attitudes, no one can. Those bad attitudes have to be pulled up by the roots. And discarded. As long as they are there, your marriage will remain crappy.

You're not right.